Mo Cumhacht

3/23/24 11:05pm
Immediate Problem: Childcare

Almost 2(?) years ago, I moved myself, along with my now 8 yr-old son, into a shared household with my sister, brother-in-law & 3 nieces, now aged 8, 6 & 6. Well, the twins technically won’t be 6 until 3/28(?). As a combined household, we also had 3 large dogs and 2 cats. About a year ago, that multiplied into 5 cats when my sister’s un-spayed female escaped the house one night. As anyone might imagine, that was a whole lot of constant chaos in a 1900 sq ft abode.

The biggest impetus for the household merger, for me, was the help this provided for my son and, by extension, me and my mental health. If you know about my son’s struggles, then you know. Suffice to say, he is a kid that needs a little extra care and understanding. And a whole lotta patience! Not everyone and everything is for him.

This makes navigating the world more complicated and stressful for him, and everyone else in his life, who are trying their best to help him through it. He can find it hard to control his behavior. Not everyone knows how to give him grace and turn it around. Hell, even those of us in the trenches don’t know what we are doing 90% of the time. We are muddling our way through this terrain with him.

If you know my struggles, then you know. I live with a darkness inside me. I fight tooth and nail every day to navigate, and slowly illuminate, that darkness. Between myself and my son, this shit sucks…straight up. It’s fucking HARD about 70% of the time on a day to day basis. It’s hard for him. And it’s hard for me. And it’s hard for our village. Not whining, just stating hard facts.

Right now, one of the hardest things we are navigating as a village, with me at the helm, is finding childcare for summer holidays. Three months ago, I moved myself and my son and our cat and dog back into a space of our own. This completely altered our established dynamic when it came to his childcare. My sister, K, has been a stay-at-home mom since the twins were born. Towards the end of the last school year, she was hired by the school system to be my son’s shadow. She has been invaluable in my ability to maintain a full time job. Only one step above my boss, who goes above and beyond to accommodate my needs when it comes to my son.

However, the move, coupled with her job, has resulted in not having childcare for the summer holidays. K has kept him for the shorter holidays like Christmas and the upcoming Spring Break. But she has, understandably, said she needs the summer as a break. Some time to allow her space from caring for my son. His prior baby sitter, before our household merger, wouldn’t take him back, largely due to his behavior. Options are limited. I can’t afford to hire an individual.

Summer programs are a possibility, but the likelihood of it working out is slim. Again, due to his behavior. I will most likely end up missing work many times. There is also a distinct possibility he could get kicked from the program because they will not be equipped to deal with him.

I have a line on an individual that I could possibly create an affordable arrangement with. My problem here is that neither I, or my immediate village, know anything about this individual. My automatic wariness of the absolute awfulness the world has to offer makes me so incredibly reluctant to take this path. I want to give people the benefit of the doubt. And I know the average person is usually relatively decent. But, there are enough subpar specimens out there, everything in me screams it’s too big of a risk. The benefit of the doubt here could cause irreparable harm. I’m going to at least call them and speak with them.

I’ve approached my boss about an absolute last ditch option because it carries its own set of risks. Though, I have given much thought on risk mitigation and have an 80% positive feeling about it. He is not on board and we left it at “I’ll think about it, but keep looking.” And I’m not gonna lie, I’m a bit disappointed. I didn’t think the idea was that outlandish. And I really didn’t think it is that big of an ask, at least the bare minimum that I put forth for consideration.

12:02 am - Extended Problems

It hurt my feelings, the initial denial on his part. I wasn’t expecting it. I was banking on a 95% chance of success, but that 5% has kicked my ass. And I’m feeling very discouraged. And overwhelmed. And fucking sad. I’m also feeling trapped, cornered. It’s putting me on edge and tripping my fight switch. An animal, I feel feral.

I’m fucking angry. Selfishly, righteously angry. It’s a soul deep anger, so much deeper than just the base level triggers. I’m pissed at the world we are forced to adapt to. This shit should not be so godsdamned hard. To simply live, without a constant heap of unnecessary stress. Stress manufactured to keep us trapped and too fucking exhausted.

I don’t ask for handouts. I don’t expect something for nothing. I’m not scared of hard work. I bust my ass, but I’m trapped on this fucking hamster wheel, in a cage I never asked to be born into. I was made for a simpler way of life. No less difficult, but less constricting. Less disruptive to my soul.

And I’m trying. I’m trying my damnedest to climb out of this cesspit I’ve found myself drowning in. It’s ultimately my own creation. I’ve had people and circumstances aid in making it deeper and bigger, but my choice of reactions has kept me here. Though, it’s kinda hard to focus on personal growth when all my limited energy is focused on navigating work, my child and my household.

3/28/2024 8:27pm

I’m stuck in “freeze” mode right now. Feeling so overwhelmed and angry leaves me feeling scared. I’m scared to make any move at all. It feels like, if I make one wrong move, it’s going to push me over an edge I can’t come back from.

Yes, I’m strong. Yes, I’m capable. But, for fuck’s sake, I need a breather. I need to lay my burdens down, just for a moment. Give me a respite. I cry sanctuary.

I recently came face to face with a situation that acted as a mirror, showing me where my toxicity lies. Enough time has passed that the traumas no longer carry the same weight. I am now at a place that requires me to dig deeper into myself and face some hard truths.

I have conditioned thought processes and emotional responses that were developed to allow me the ability to survive. Now, I am on the other side, and I have to teach myself how to live outside of survival mode. Not everything and everyone deserves the reaction of a legitimate threat.

I was recently triggered by a customer. The way he interacted with me, the way he spoke, the way he stood, the way he dismissed me and spoke over me with words designed to accuse and blame. Everything about this man set me on edge. I reacted from my trauma and came out verbally swinging, matching his energy.

I should not have allowed him this power over me. I am reaping the consequences of that decision. It came back to bite me professionally, my office receiving a corporate complaint regarding my behavior. Cue the reluctance on my boss’s part to grant my minimal request regarding childcare. I am convinced that, had my altercation not happened, my 95% estimation would have been accurate.

Now, the entire situation I am in regarding childcare, is further complicated because of my choices. Granted, I was triggered, but it is my responsibility to move myself past that. So much of my day to day living is being done through the lens of surviving trauma.

But, I don’t just want to survive. I want to thrive. I broke, but I want to mend and flourish in spite of it. I’d like to think I’m working towards being a better person than I would have been had I not lived this life. There is so much good in me. I have so much to give. I have so much power and ability and I want to attain it.

I’ve been tiptoeing and baby stepping my way among these shadows. But it is time. Time for me to plant my feet firmly and step with surety. Time to quit doubting myself and selling myself short. I have to do better.

Accepted! 😆😆

For myself & no other:

November 30,2023

I am taking a moment to congratulate and appreciate myself. I have achieved a moment of serious growth. I am incredibly proud of myself and wish to record this, for myself & no one else.

It is no secret to anyone that I have always struggled with heavy depression. It really isn’t a shock or unexpected after the life I have lived, the things that have happened. The last ten years have been a whirlwind; chaos and tumult in its penultimate form. Life has been a seemingly neverending parade of bullshittery in disproportionate amounts. Most of it has been out of my control, but what has always been in my control has been myself, how I handle and react to events. 

There have been some not so great decisions on my part throughout these years. And I own that. But, I also own that my decision-making abilities were skewed through the lens of traumatization. Some of the decisions I have made wrought some major, irrevocable life changes. I have come to accept that there is no going back for me. The way forward now is to mold and shape myself anew, with the unwavering goal being sustainable growth in all facets of my life.

After what seemed an interminable amount of time, I am finally in a good place internally. Achieving this is, and has been, the impetus for enacting any other positive changes in my life. And this feels good, but I’m also terrified. I am scared that this is going to be a false start, like so many others. I carry anxiety over the thought that everything will come tumbling down, just like it has in the past…every time…without fail. And I am genuinely unsure if I will be able to cope with it again. I am terrified that I can’t do this, that there is something inside of me that is inherently broken and incapable of navigating in this world. I am not sure that I will survive it this time.

I am desperate. Desperate for better. Desperate for healing. Desperate for wholeness. Desperate for peace. I need this. I need to be okay. And I know there will be things that happen, stressors that cause minor chaos. I know that is just part of living. And I can handle that. The last month has demonstrated that very clearly to me, hence my taking a moment to toot my own horn. What I cannot handle is some crazy fucking monstrosity of an event to happen that is completely outlandish and unprecedented. So, I hope and I pray with all that I am that this is the moment my life finally becomes manageable and enjoyable without some crazy setback.

On to my horn, toot toot! Over the last few months, I have been desperately trying to relearn how to maintain control over the things I can in order to foster postive growth. At the same time, I have been working to accept and cope with the stressors around me that are outside the scope of my ability to exercise change. I have successfully created a personal space that is soothing. This consists of literally the one room, my bedroom. But, I have been slowly organizing and maintaining a neat and orderly environment that I can escape to when the rest of my living area is complete and utter chaos that is mostly outside my control. I have created a personal oasis and kept it consistently for months now. 

I have also enacted changes in my diet, slowly but surely so as not to overwhelm myself. I have consistently maintained this progress and grown it. I have achieved tangible results. And the last thing I have done is to slowly establish a self-care routine. I had to take it back to basics and establish a firm foundation. Setting easily achievable mini goals for finite periods of time and then compounding mini goal on top of mini goal. Now, I am solidly on the way back to my former self-care routines that created such clarity and peace of mind for me. These things have been the only large goals that I set for myself. Broad goals that were adaptable for any given moment. Goals that could withstand a setback and still maintain a forward momentum. And I have done it for months now without failing. I am so incredibly proud of the progress I have made.

November has been a period of trials and tribulations for me, set in my path to test my progress, my commitment and my fortitude. In thirty days, I have dealt with the erosion of a twenty year friendship to the point where it will basically be nonexistent. This ending is also causing extreme chaos within our shared work environment, quite abruptly, because of decisions made on their part. I very much do not appreciate this, it is like a double whammy. Not only have they burnt me on a personal level, but they are also burning me on a professional one. I am so incredibly hurt and angry with the entire situation. This is a huge deal for me to create this distance for my sanity and well-being as I am such a loyal person. It feels wrong to do this, but I really must.

My transmission died in a car that I have owned less than a year. I got the car after my prior car was totaled by a deer last Christmas. The new car is 10 years old and had only 11,000 miles when I purchased it. I did not anticipate having to put $2000 worth of transmission repairs on a credit card that I just got paid off thru a debt consolidation loan, which completely negates the purpose of the loan in the first place. And this happened 3 weeks before the family vacation my sister’s family and mine have booked for which my car was needed for transportation. And car parts are hella hard to get here, with most repairs taking 2-3 months at any shop. 

In addition, I finally found myself in a financial postion to be able to get medical insurance for the first time in my adult life this year. I have been super excited about this. I researched heavily to find a plan that met my specific needs and was accepted by my PCP & his facility. After breaking out with shingles at the age of 34 a week and a half ago, I went to the doctor to get help. In total,I have made 3 visits to my PCP since September. One was a follow-up for routine care, one was because I had a severe sinus infection & then the shingles. 

Last week, I received notice from my insurance company that all 3 of the claims from those visits were being denied because my PCP & his facility were not in-network for my plan…despite me basing my choice in plan specifically on that. I was being told that I now owed my Dr’s office $800 & it also seems as if I have now wasted over $1200 for insurance that I can’t use locally. Money which would cover the repair of my transmission, by the way. 

All of these things, coupled with the fact that my son, who is autistic, has been in meltdown mode for the last three weeks without being able to find a solution, well, it has been very stressful for me. And, these things may not be stressful to some and, honestly, if they were only happening one or two at a time, they probably wouldn’t be as bad. But, having them all happen within a couple weeks of each other and trying to juggle it all, while still working full time has been tough for me. 

My toot toot moment though? Despite all of the above mentioned stressors in such short span of time, I have managed to consistently maintain all of my goals and even progressed further. I have been able to maintain a healthier mindset for processing the stressors. Granted, I’ve also been heavily compartmentalizing in order to function, but I am also allowing myself space to unpack things as I am able.

This may seem like such a simple thing to some, but this is huge for me. So, today I am proud of myself and things are working themselves out. I got the $800 in medical bills wriiten off since it was an error on the part of the physician’s office. I do still have to figure out the insurance portion, but that is completely doable. My car is most likely going to be fixed within the next week instead of a couple months. This means I may have the car for our vacation which would make everyone’s life here so much easier. In one week, my friend will finally be a nonissue in both my personal and professional life. I do still have to unpack the hurt that I have pushed away because of this, but I will handle that once they are no longer in my face every day. 

I also have an amazing opportunity laid before me that will enable me to further preserve my peace and growth. This is something really big. It could mean a whole multitude of goodness for myself and those within my care. And all I have to do to get it is maintain what I’ve already been doing and continue to grow. And I am scared. I don’t want to fuck this up.  

Friday was an extremely triggering day for me. I recognize this. I also recognize that I need to explore the situation and my reactions so that I can get a better grasp of myself.

A man came into the office. He comes every month to make his payment that was owed the month before. He stays a month behind and has since I’ve been waiting on him. Every time he comes in, I end up being the one that gets him. And every time he comes in, he stays a little bit longer each time. He always complains about his bill, wants to talk about discounts and then shoot down his options. He always talks about his job, his lack of funds, the timing of his bill. He always wants to discuss moving his due date from the 28th to the 15th. 

Every month for at least a year now, I have had this conversation with this man. He is loud and aggressive in his tone and body language. I recognize that he may not be actively aggressive, but the way he articulates himself feels aggressive. I know this is a trigger for me and that’s a “me” problem. Prior to our interaction Friday, I recognize that I was already in a stressed state of mind and have been, off and on, for a couple weeks. So, I understand that probably contributed to the situation. 

What alerted myself and my friend to his presence was the thumping of his music out in the parking lot. We both got up to see what was going on and I recognized his car. At that moment, I got a feeling, one of those feelings. The feeling of precognition or warning, telling me something is wrong.

I told my friend that I really, really didn’t want to wait on him and explained why. And, if I’m being honest, I feel a bit hurt that, as my friend, she didn’t step up. She could have gotten him. She could have spared me everything. And she didn’t. And maybe I needed the experience to prompt this moment. But she could have. As my friend, she should have. I would have shielded her. 

From the beginning, the entire vibe was discomfiting. I am almost 100% certain that he was drunk or high on something. Another trigger when coupled with an aggressive attitude. He immediately started complaining about his bill going up. I told him I’d check and see what was going on. While I reviewed his account, he kept ranting about his finances and his bills and how it was ridiculous that he only had liability but it was so expensive. He also kept rushing my review of his account. 

I explained his rate increase and he bitched some more. He again brought up how expensive his insurance is for only having liability and not “full coverage”. I told him he has “full coverage” and listed out all of his coverages on his policy. That seemed to pacify him for a moment and then he comes up with another question to which I provided an answer. And we go back and forth like that for a few minutes. He brings up discounts, which I tried to discuss with him and he immediately shot down. 

The entire time this is going on he keeps sighing and huffing and rocking his body back in his chair. The attitude of these actions was one of leashed aggression, as if he were trying to control his words and actions. And he kept using phrases that were condescending, like “you don’t understand”, “do you understand what I’m saying” or “I don’t think you know”. Those may not be exact, but it was the attitude with which he was talking more than the actual words. 

At this point, roughly 15 minutes had gone by. We finally got around to making his payment. As he’s pulling his money out, he continues making commentary on how expensive it is and I’m taking all his money. Then he scoffs and mumbles sotto voce, with a dark tone, “You women…”

Up until that moment, I had been doing my best to keep my irritation and frustration contained. However, I was triggered by the entire interaction and I could feel my control fraying. I have a nasty temper, especially in response to fear or hurt. When I am triggered, I engage in flight, freeze or fawn behavior to some degree, if it seems it will work to eliminate the perceived threat. But my fight reflex is the most prominent for me…and the scariest.

Up until the moment he said “you women” in that disgusted, condescending tone, as if I was to blame for his shit, I had managed to maintain a civil and acquiescent tone to my voice, while avoiding all eye contact. When he said that though, I tangibly felt the slip inside me, as if the gloves were coming off. I firmed my voice, added my own aggression and looked him in his eyes. I said, “I didn’t create your bill, women did not create your bill.” And he starts trying to talk over me and stumbling over his words. I continued speaking, completely disregarding his attempts to regain control of the conversation. I said, “In fact, I’m sure if you look at the history of our financial system, you will find it was created by men for men.” And I’m not a man hater or raging modern feminist (no disparagement to anyone who identifies as such). I was just deliberately trying to provoke a response because I felt provoked by him. I wanted a reason for the actions that were running thru my mind.

He then circled back around to changing his due date. I maintained my firm tone and let go of my customer service attitude. I got real with the man. I told him that we have the same conversation every month about his bills, discounts and due dates. Every month I tell him the same thing and every month he fails to do any of the things I advise in order to accommodate his desires. He kept stumbling over his words at this point and raised his aggression to match mine. I finally told him that if he wasn’t going to listen to anything I said then there was nothing further for us to discuss. We kind of sat there for a moment, staring at each other. More words were said but I don’t remember what they were because I had started to dissociate at that point.

In these situations, I instinctively enter into a state of mind where everything else goes away except the chain of events that need to happen to eliminate the threat. The only comparison I can give for someone to understand what I’m describing is if they’ve seen the Sherlock Holmes film with Robert Downey, Jr. The way it portrays his processing of the action moments is the most similar I have ever seen to what goes on inside me. 

From there, he was in my office for about another 10 minutes complaining and talking in circles and not making any sense. I just stared at my computer screen, zoned out and unresponsive but he wouldn’t fucking get a clue and shut up and leave. I emailed my friend to help get me the fuck out the situation because I could feel my control snapping.

The stapler was sitting in front of me. I already had it all planned out. I was going to wait until he was in the middle of ranting, when he would be so self-absorbed he wouldn’t be prepared. Then I was going to casually palm the stapler, stand up as if I was walking out of my office for something and, as I rounded the desk, I was going to bring the stapler around full force into his nose. Then, while he was having his moment of shock and processing, I would continue to bash him in the head and face, until he was incapacitated. Altho, once I lost myself in that abyss, I wouldn’t be able to stop. 

In all likelihood, he wouldn’t have been prepared for that. And the shock of my attack, coupled with the pain of a broken nose, would most likely render him incapable of an instantaneous retaliation or defense. And that moment of instinctual hesitation would give me the best chance of coming out of this unharmed.That was my rationale. 

In that moment, I was terrified. I was scared I was going to snap. I did not feel safe. I know what I am capable of and I didn’t think I could control myself much longer. I was on the verge of pushing the panic button under my desk. My thought process being that, even tho a crime wasn’t being committed, pushing the button would have the cops there in short order. If the cops came, then he would leave. The threat would be eliminated and I wouldn’t be going to prison.

Right as I was at my literal breaking point, my phone chimed. I had a message. It was the Facebook messenger notification, so I knew it had to either be my friend/coworker or my sister. I picked up the phone, saw a message from my sister and then looked at the man. I told him the message was from my sister about my son and that I needed to call the school. Then I called my mom’s cell phone. She didn’t pick up, but he finally left. After 30 minutes of that hell, it was over.

I crashed. I fell apart. I felt raw and exposed. I spent a good 10-15 minutes crying, releasing the panic and the rage. I had a panic attack. I was so fucking angry. I was angry at that man. I was angry at my friend. But, most of all, I was angry with myself for not being able to control the triggered response I was having. 

I rebounded for the rest of the day. But it took a toll. I was so drained. And raw. I wanted comfort. I wanted to feel safe. Friday night and Saturday were spent recuperating. I had a pain flare up, most likely a response to the stress, and slept most of Saturday. And now, here I am.

Have I learned anything? I’m still processing the ramifications of the entire situation. I’ve grown a lot from the person I used to be. My control is better. I didn’t snap, which is an improvement. On a normal day, when presented with challenging people, I can get irritated and frustrated, but I always maintain a certain level of control. For me to be presented with that exact situation, was an anomaly, an aberration.The biggest trigger here was his resemblance to a violent person in my past. A person who did me great harm. Not only his physical appearance, but his words and his tone and his mannerisms. It was like sitting across the desk from this other man. This isn’t something that ever really happens. But I didn’t handle it well and I clearly still have some more work to do.

Must listen to the end for the full scope of Dax’s message.

I made it back home last night from a 3 day, 2 night trip to Cherokee, NC. It was a much needed, long awaited getaway with me, myself and I. For those that don’t know, Cherokee is located in the Blue Ridge Mountains. It doesn’t matter what you are doing or where you are going up there, the scenery is absolutely breathtaking. I could gladly stay and never return.

I left home at 2am Thursday morning to start the 4 hour drive. It could have been my imagination but it seemed the steeper and more winding the roads, the lighter my soul felt. I arrived in the mountains in the middle of a storm. Very apropos for those that know me. Not gonna lie, it was a bit intimidating winding the mountain roads in the dark in the middle of a torrential downpour. It was also exhilarating! Streaks of lightning illuminating the looming shadows of the mountains that you could not see otherwise, tho their presence could be felt. I felt alive and at peace in a way that I cannot describe, you just have to know.

I made it to my destination right as the sun fully rose. The rain slowed to a moderate drizzle. I spent the next 9 hours climbing up and down mountain paths in search of waterfalls. I went to Mingo Falls & Soco Falls.

I interspersed the climbing with unmeasured moments simply sitting and absorbing the beauty around me or snapping photos.

By the time I made it to my hotel to check in, I was pleasantly exhausted. I showered, ate supper and was asleep before 6pm, which is no small feat for me. I managed over 12 hours of solid, much needed rest.

I started my second day with a tour of Oconaluftee Indian Village. This is a 1/3 scale representation of Cherokee history and tradition. I found it very informative if a bit saddening. My guide did make a Lord of the Rings reference that made me fall in love with her immediately. 🥰

My body was sore in all the best ways after my first day’s adventures so I spent the rest of my second day driving up and down the mountain via the Blue Ridge Parkway. As a country girl that loves riding dirt roads and back roads, this was one step up and wholly exhilarating. 

The rest of my time was spent relaxing at the hotel and swimming in the pool. I meandered my way home yesterday. Ate lunch by a mountain stream. Arrived back home with a sense of peace and accomplishment. I washed some things clean in the mountain streams. I let go of things that had latched onto my soul in a parasitic embrace. I found joy again in being alone. I feel calmer and more capable. My temper has simmered down. My patience is more. I rediscovered what I’ve always known but needed reminding of: I’ve got this.

P.S. The spiders are still making an appearance on a daily basis. 😊

Spider.

Just the word, for me, is enough to make me uneasy.

I used to be terrified of spiders.

These days, I’m not as bad about them as I once was.

Spider.

The name invokes a dichotomous feeling of awe and trepidation.

They are beautiful and awe-inspiring.

They are also deadly and sinister.

 I have this belief, you see. If we pay attention to the natural world around us, we can receive insight into our own lives. We are nature and all of nature is connected. Woven together in an intricate design that mankind, since its’ dawn, has attempted thousands of times over to quantify. Mostly without much success these days, in my humble opinion.

 I have never followed a particular religion or spiritual belief. I find what makes sense to me and apply it. Facets of this and tenets of that. One thing that I know to be incontrovertible truth in my life, is that we need to pay attention to the animals that cross our paths. They are signs. They represent a truth about ourselves at that specific moment in time. Something important.

 I don’t just mean one special animal you identify as a spirit guide or totem. And I don’t mean just any animal on any day. It’s the ones that stand out. Maybe a particular animal is one you might see on a day to day basis, but the interaction you have with it is not the norm.

 An example of this, for me, are mantises. They are common enough in my area. Fairly elusive but not scarce enough as to be an unusual sight. When I know there is a message I need to hear, it is because of the way in which they appear to me at the time. Mantises are not the type of bug I would consider drawn to people, like a gnat or a mosquito. Usually they are not going to seek out humanity and will flee when they encounter it.

 When I feel a tickle on my ankle, look down and see a mantis crawling up my leg and reach down for it, it crawls into my hand rather than recoiling or flying away. The fact that it is on my person at all is meaningful. It then just sits with me until I coax it on to a leaf or a branch And, even then, it is reluctant to go. This is when I need to pay attention. There’s something I need to know in that moment. Some message meant to be conveyed.

 I will then read up on the mantis. It’s life and habits. I will research their symbolism in various cultures. Then I look inside myself and ask how this knowledge can be applied. Where do I need to shift and adapt in the manner of the mantis?

 Spiders are the same for me. I can assure you my reaction to a spider crawling up my leg will be nowhere near as calm as the mantis. There would be some flailing and some freaking out. Some slapping and possibly even some shrieking. I simply shudder from afar if I encounter them off my person. But there’s a lesson in that fear and revulsion.

 Here lately, spiders have been popping up in my path, quite literally. Suspended above my head when I let the dog out. Lying in wait on its’ massive web. Or trailing on a frayed strand beside me, as I frantically try to scrub the web off me that it built on my car. Or dropping down in my face as I sit in my office at work. And crawling across my ceiling as lay in bed at night…I’m ashamed to say I killed that one. 🙈🫣

 There’s a lesson here. Such a lesson. And I am struggling with it. I’m still working it out. For now, I just say I hear you and thank you. Please, don’t crawl on me.

I serve, I kneel; my cunt, it aches.

You mold, you guide; my heart, it quakes.

With every breath, I acquiesce

all that I am; you know me best.

You give yourself and help me give more

as I lay prostrate, Sir’s treasured whore.

All the thoughts dissolve; the lies, they cease.

In the shelter of you, I find peace.

You use and bruise me and dole out this sweet pain.

I find my center in the strength you contain.

I treasure this gift that you choose to bestow.

As you bind me tighter and help me to grow.

I thank you and hope what I gift in return

provides the same comfort you’ve helped me learn.