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Mo Cumhacht

Work in Progress...

"Confront the dark parts of yourself and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength."
- August Wilson
2 months ago. September 7, 2022 at 3:45 AM

5 months ago. July 3, 2022 at 6:20 PM
5 months ago. June 25, 2022 at 2:43 AM

Until very recently, I wanted so many things but knew I wouldn't be able to have them for a very long time. I was able to hide behind that knowledge rather than confronting some hard truths of fear and insecurity. It didn't matter because my hands were figuratively tied on the matter. I wasn't able to obtain my wants so I could wallow in denial and ignore. Everything has shifted so unexpectedly and I'm reeling. It's been weeks now and I can't wrap my head around it.

Abruptly, I find the biggest obstacle that stood in my way is no longer there - freedom. I now have the freedom to come and go in a way that I could not have foreseen for at least another 10 years or more. What the fuck am I supposed to do with this?! It's like the stray dog kept in a cage at the shelter and then the door opens, but it won't go out because it doesn't understand. It's been in the cage so long that the ability to step beyond is a foreign concept. It's scary and unknown whereas at least it knows what to expect in the cage. What is outside the cage? A happy home? Euthanasia?

The next biggest obstacle isn't even THAT big anymore. Still there but nowhere near as pressing. Time. I didn't have the time, namely because I didn't have the freedom. Now there is more time, more availability. Just what the fuck am I to do?! I can now devote time to pursuing the things that I want. There was no point prior due to lack of freedom. Time is of the essence....

Now, I have no choice but to admit, the only thing stopping me from reaching for what I want and reveling in it is myself. My fears. My insecurities. Me, myself and I. But oh how I want, I crave, I need...so much. I want it all...and I can have it. I only have to step.

5 months ago. June 12, 2022 at 4:13 PM

He watches...

Her hair go up into a coiffed up-do, makeup applied just so

Her dress accentuating her figure as she gets ready to go

A spritz of his favorite perfume, jewelry occupying its space.

Every action readies her,  fixes her armor in place.

No time wasted but somehow still chaotic...

Dysfunctional efficiency at its finest.

....And he watches.

The sway of her hips as she walks to the car,

Her handbag white-knuckled, he whispers "You know whose you are."

Her lips forming the words "Thank you" as he hands her into her seat.

She sits regal and proud, an unwitting queen, a delectable treat

Deep, even breaths - mentally prepping for the night.

Head bobbing to the music, singing off-key with all of her might. 

Nervousness slips away as she intertwines their hands.

In this bubble of safety there is freedom from worldly demands.

She lets it all go, remembering his commands.

....And he watches.

As she weaves her way through the throng.

Dancing here with a word, there with a touch, her nervous laughter a song.

No one can tell she feels out of her depth, but he knows.

He admires her command as she hopes nothing shows.

She is captivating, a siren - each person helplessly in thrall.

But they don't know her, not really, aren't allowed past her wall.

Only he knows the truth and provides sanctuary, a safe space from it all.

Because he watches....

8 months ago. March 15, 2022 at 10:38 PM
9 months ago. February 26, 2022 at 1:41 AM

9 months ago. February 25, 2022 at 6:00 AM

You'd think if someone blocked you that their posts would conveniently remove themselves as well. 🤔🤔 Especially if it's a person you've never spoken to nor care to have spoken to. *sigh* More's the pity....

9 months ago. February 24, 2022 at 10:48 PM

10 months ago. February 2, 2022 at 1:11 AM

"In some way, however small and secret, each of us is a little mad... Everyone is lonely at the bottom and cries to be understood; but we can never entirely understand someone else, and each of us remains part stranger even to those who love us... It is the weak who are cruel - - gentleness is to be expected only from the strong... Those who do not know fear are not really brave, for courage is the capacity to confront what can be imagined... You can understand people better if you look at them - - no matter how old or impressive they may be - - as if they are children. For most of us never mature; we simply grow taller... Happiness comes only when we push our brains and hearts to the farthest reaches of which we are capable... The purpose of life is to matter- - to count, to stand for something, to have it make some difference that we lived at all."

                                   - Leo Rosten

 

 

10 months ago. January 22, 2022 at 3:06 PM

I'm watching/helping my step-dad working in the freezing cold to repair a busted pipe. I appreciate this man to no end.

I grew up helping him do all sorts of odd jobs around the house. Anything from plumbing to roofing to building porches and fire pits. I've helped him rebuild cars, fix lawn mowers and erect metal buildings. My take away from these experiences was not only to be comfortable as a woman living alone and not relying on a man, but that these things are applicable to all facets of life. He also taught me that there are times we don't know things and asking for help is strength not weakness. He gave me tools to navigate the world as well as an actual tool box. 

He has taught me about the importance of doing a job right. I learned to take the extra moments to problem solve, measure, double-check, and make sure, when something is done, it is right the first time. The extra moments you spend doing this will most likely save you more time down the road when your half-assed attempts fall apart.

I appreciate being taught how to take the time to understand and gather what supplies and tools you need for a particular job. To take that moment ahead of time, to start a job prepared, results in time and energy saved. Yet, I  learned that even the best laid plans get derailed. And he taught me that it's okay to get frustrated but not to bury myself in it. Instead, we assess the situation and pivot to the appropriate action to correct the problem. 

I learned that sometimes we have to endure some discomfort to ensure our things are properly cared for. Leaving it to fester or worsen is not an option.

He has taught me the satisfaction you get from a job well done. Looking at something that you created from nothing or scraps, seeing something that was in disrepair being made whole thru your knowledge, skill, time and sometimes discomfort - it is immensely fulfilling. 

He imparted these life lessons throughout my childhood and it has carried over into my adult life. I don't always choose to utilize the knowledge he gave me. But, when I do, I know that the choices I am making are right and will result in amazing results at the end. To do it the right way may be harder and more time-consuming at the beginning but the end result will be an enduring one, a correct one.

Shout out to all the awesome step parents out there! Thank you to this amazing man who didn't have to be anything to me but chose to step up and be an example, not thru words but thru actions. He didn't just talk, he did.