Mo Cumhacht

He watches...

Her hair go up into a coiffed up-do, makeup applied just so

Her dress accentuating her figure as she gets ready to go

A spritz of his favorite perfume, jewelry occupying its space.

Every action readies her,  fixes her armor in place.

No time wasted but somehow still chaotic...

Dysfunctional efficiency at its finest.

....And he watches.

The sway of her hips as she walks to the car,

Her handbag white-knuckled, he whispers "You know whose you are."

Her lips forming the words "Thank you" as he hands her into her seat.

She sits regal and proud, an unwitting queen, a delectable treat

Deep, even breaths - mentally prepping for the night.

Head bobbing to the music, singing off-key with all of her might. 

Nervousness slips away as she intertwines their hands.

In this bubble of safety there is freedom from worldly demands.

She lets it all go, remembering his commands.

....And he watches.

As she weaves her way through the throng.

Dancing here with a word, there with a touch, her nervous laughter a song.

No one can tell she feels out of her depth, but he knows.

He admires her command as she hopes nothing shows.

She is captivating, a siren - each person helplessly in thrall.

But they don't know her, not really, aren't allowed past her wall.

Only he knows the truth and provides sanctuary, a safe space from it all.

Because he watches....

You'd think if someone blocked you that their posts would conveniently remove themselves as well. 🤔🤔 Especially if it's a person you've never spoken to nor care to have spoken to. *sigh* More's the pity....

"In some way, however small and secret, each of us is a little mad... Everyone is lonely at the bottom and cries to be understood; but we can never entirely understand someone else, and each of us remains part stranger even to those who love us... It is the weak who are cruel - - gentleness is to be expected only from the strong... Those who do not know fear are not really brave, for courage is the capacity to confront what can be imagined... You can understand people better if you look at them - - no matter how old or impressive they may be - - as if they are children. For most of us never mature; we simply grow taller... Happiness comes only when we push our brains and hearts to the farthest reaches of which we are capable... The purpose of life is to matter- - to count, to stand for something, to have it make some difference that we lived at all."

                                   - Leo Rosten

I'm watching/helping my step-dad working in the freezing cold to repair a busted pipe. I appreciate this man to no end.

I grew up helping him do all sorts of odd jobs around the house. Anything from plumbing to roofing to building porches and fire pits. I've helped him rebuild cars, fix lawn mowers and erect metal buildings. My take away from these experiences was not only to be comfortable as a woman living alone and not relying on a man, but that these things are applicable to all facets of life. He also taught me that there are times we don't know things and asking for help is strength not weakness. He gave me tools to navigate the world as well as an actual tool box. 

He has taught me about the importance of doing a job right. I learned to take the extra moments to problem solve, measure, double-check, and make sure, when something is done, it is right the first time. The extra moments you spend doing this will most likely save you more time down the road when your half-assed attempts fall apart.

I appreciate being taught how to take the time to understand and gather what supplies and tools you need for a particular job. To take that moment ahead of time, to start a job prepared, results in time and energy saved. Yet, I  learned that even the best laid plans get derailed. And he taught me that it's okay to get frustrated but not to bury myself in it. Instead, we assess the situation and pivot to the appropriate action to correct the problem. 

I learned that sometimes we have to endure some discomfort to ensure our things are properly cared for. Leaving it to fester or worsen is not an option.

He has taught me the satisfaction you get from a job well done. Looking at something that you created from nothing or scraps, seeing something that was in disrepair being made whole thru your knowledge, skill, time and sometimes discomfort - it is immensely fulfilling. 

He imparted these life lessons throughout my childhood and it has carried over into my adult life. I don't always choose to utilize the knowledge he gave me. But, when I do, I know that the choices I am making are right and will result in amazing results at the end. To do it the right way may be harder and more time-consuming at the beginning but the end result will be an enduring one, a correct one.

Shout out to all the awesome step parents out there! Thank you to this amazing man who didn't have to be anything to me but chose to step up and be an example, not thru words but thru actions. He didn't just talk, he did.

**First, disclaimer: This post has literally 0 to do with any person that I am aware of on this site. These are merely thoughts I have been trying to process regarding a Person in my life.**

**Second, the context in which I use  "relationship", refers to any kind of exchange between two or more persons that promotes positive feelings, such as security and enjoyment. This does not have be romantic or sexual in nature.**

Do I sometimes drop the so-called ball when it comes to communicating my needs to people? Certainly, yes. This is usually a result of: A) I forget sometimes that my moral code is not that of other people. And I do mean in what one views as respectful/disrespectful or right/wrong. What is just incontrovertible fact for me may not even be a passing thought to someone else. I seek to approach any interaction with that acceptance and understanding. And B), I am still on a journey of relearning trust in myself to discern certain boundaries, vocalize my discontent with their violation, and then act to establish the necessary boundaries to prevent me from being caught up in their energy orbit fruitlessly.

Insecurities about my true appeal and worth to people (my problems to work through) have made me develop a need for very thorough communication when it comes to any relationship, but especially one that is solely developed over cyber space. I do not feel that I am unreasonable in those needs or requests. But, the problem starts with me. I will own that. My insecurities make it hard to open myself to someone and explain my needs for a mutually productive relationship, i.e. discerning, vocalizing & creating boundaries. But, I cannot expect someone to be able to read my mind or abide by the same code I do.

What I have learned about myself, but struggle to communicate until I get pushed into it, is that I find it incredibly rude and disrespectful to fail to communicate effectively to your Persons, whom you have been conducting a regular routine of communication with, when that routine is disrupted. Or, if the reason for disruption is completely understood, but causes communication to be derailed significantly, how you can not have some kind of system by which you check in after a set period of time to at least let your Persons know that you are making it, even if it's a struggle currently?

When I go thru my bouts of withdrawing from human contact, my Persons are made aware, they understand and we have an established agreement that they will not insert themselves unnecessarily into my personal space. They WILL ask me to check in on occasion. They will send me a text. They don't come by my house and they don't call me because they respect my need for space. They DO expect that I respond within a reasonable amount of time. Over time, it has been established between my Persons and myself, that a general 24 hour period is a reasonable response time. That is what naturally ended up working. And I NEVER fail to respond.

I do that out of respect for the relationship we have established. They love me, they care about me, they want me safe, they want me sane, they worry and they have needs that I fulfill for them as they do for me. I cannot for the life of me begin to fathom a scenario in which I would not do this for my Persons. Or in other types of relationships, but applied appropriately. You're probably not going to miss work for 3 days and not call your boss unless you want to be fired. You're most likely not going to neglect to turn in 3 days worth of assignments AND miss the exam and expect to receive accolades...you might even fail the class. I doubt anyone would leave their dependent (but legally able) child home alone for 3 days without expecting regular check-ins. What makes other personal relationships any different?

Even if our interaction is solely cyber, if we have a thoroughly established communication routine (many many months or venturing into multiple years), and that routine has become understandably disrupted, the request for an occasional check-in, made with 100% acceptance of the disruption, with no shaming seems self-explanatory to me. I cannot understand how it wouldn't be reasonable and acceptable and understood. It takes mere seconds to send an emoji or a couple words, "I'm okay". And I know people see things differently. But I'm struggling with comprehending how even that can be too much to do for a person you've considered yourself to have a mutually respected relationship with.

This makes me question myself, my ability to judge (and yes, I use this term deliberately, do what you want with that) the content of my Person's character, my worth (Was I deceived? Did I deceive myself?), and how I chose to apply my energy. Just some thoughts.

I write this for myself, to process my thoughts more than any other reason. I share with the thought that maybe it will help, whether that be catharsis for myself or a light bulb for someone else, doesn't matter.

I'm going to delete this app soon ( not Cage). My phone is having storage issues and I only kept it to talk to you. I'm not abandoning you. I just don't see the point in keeping it on my phone if we aren't talking. I'm going to tell the others that I'm deleting it, too. We don't talk often but I at least want to let them know. I'll wait for a response from them for awhile & after that I'm deleting it.

I don't bear you any ill will and I sincerely hope you are doing whatever you need in order to take care of yourself. I want you to get better and feel better and I'm sending nothing but love and good vibes your way. Just thought I'd say all this in case we didn't talk again.

You've got my email address and you've got my phone number if you do wanna talk.

If I don't talk to you again, I want you to know that I am eternally grateful for your friendship and the time you spent talking with me. You will never know how much help you were to me when I've been lost in my darkness. I count you as one of my close friends after all we've shared. And that's a very small circle. I miss you. Take care of yourself.