I just put a blog post out there about a half hour ago....about a book I've written about my journey as a trauma survivor in a power exchange relationship.
It was reported by a concerned citizen *shaking head*
I'll be adding the writing to our website so anyone can see it.
~dawn
This is a class I (dawn) have been teaching for many, many years. After our first OLF (Ohio Leather Fest) at the beginning of our relationship, I knew this was something I wanted to teach. People were asking questions about it and there weren't many presenters that were willing to talk about it at the time. I had been working on my healing path. So, I decided it was going to be a class. It took a couple of years before I thought I was ready. Then, I taught it to a local group, had asked for war stories not to be shared, but of course someone decided not to follow the rules. I had a panic attack, turned my back on the audience. Dan stepped in to block me, pressed his back against mine as he took the steps to stop the person telling the details. and reached back and held my hand. I was able to get myself under control, but realized I still wasn't ready.
Another year passes while I continue to go to therapy and work on my self and my reactions. Then, it was time to present the class again. I put up big signs around the room that stated 'No War Stories Allowed'. Then, I explained that I would not be sharing my details and that I wanted no one else to share theirs. This was a workshop about tools. And that I truly believed everyone needs to shine the light on their details or their trauma, at a workshop at a kink event was not the place to do it, as I'm not good at providing aftercare. I haven't had an issue since then.
It's never a packed class, and Dan doesn't have to tag along with me anymore like he did at the beginning. But, the class has the people in it that need to hear what I have to share about my journey and the tools I've used and the tools Dan has used with me. Both submissives and Dominants can learn from what I have to share.
So, instead of the little chapter about this that I put in our Power Exchange book 10 years ago, 'Living M/s'....I've written a much larger, more thorough chapter (with 10 more years experience added to it), for our next book. No title yet for the book. Soon.
And as a gift to our $5.00+ patrons, we have wrapped it up as a 27 page e-book that you can get right now when you become a patron of us and our podcast, Erotic Awakening.
I wish each of you a healthy and healing journey.
~dawn
www.patreon.com/eroticawakening
Why present? Why write? Why podcast? Why produce events? Why spend time running The Space?
It’s been a long time since I’ve asked myself these questions. It’s something we’ve been doing since around 2004. At least that’s as far back as my notes go. It might have been a little earlier than that when we presented for NLA-Columbus. They saw how we were living Power Exchange and wanted us to talk about it. I sat on a chair and Dan stood behind me, playing with my hair as he explained how we did what we did. Both of us so nervous. But, but the time we were done, the nervousness had fallen away. Dan had had training in community theater and I had been leaders of groups through high school. And most of all he was my rock. We could do this. And we did.
Then, we saw an event in southern Indiana advertise for presenters. It was an outdoor event. A sacred sexuality event. We had been studying and practicing sacred sex for a couple of years at that point. So we put in an application. Well, one of the producers was kinky and when he learned our background, he brought us in to teach ‘Sensual Spanking’ and ‘Poly, Pagan, Bondage, Slut’. And we ran a flogging station during their barn dance. We met so many like-minded people that weekend and so many people that loved what we had to teach. Which was basically sharing our experience.
That’s when the bug hit. We were addicted to presenting and sharing our experience in the various things we were into…..power exchange, polyamory, sacred sexuality, kink….and combining them.
At this point, after almost 2 decades, we’ve taught 100’s of classes at 100’s of events. From Ft. Lauderdale to Toronto to Idaho to Arizona. And we aren’t done. The last year and a half has been on zoom. Though, it’s not as much fun as it is in person, it is what it is.
In 2010 we ran for Master/slave title. Why? We felt we had something to offer. When we were starting, we didn’t have any role models. And though we don’t consider ourselves role models per se, we like to share that power exchange is a valid relationship style. When we lost the International contest, we decided we still had something to share and wrote “Living M/s”.
That was 11 years ago. More presenting, producing Power Exchange Summit as well as Beyond the Love. Polyamory books. The Podcast of 13 years where we talk about everything.
It’s all rewarding in it’s own way. It’s not like we make money at it. It barely covers our costs of flights and hotel rooms and recording equipment and travel expenses, and editors and hotel contracts and all the costs of running an event or The Space…..….and….and….and….
Sometimes we are exhausted and feel like walking away from it all. Then, someone writes us an email of how the podcast or a book or a presentation gave them hope, or saved their relationship or ……something…….and it recharges us.
We are finally writing our 2nd Power Exchange book.
Tonight we taught a zoom class on Power Exchange and will teach 2 more tomorrow morning.
Seems we still have more to share and we hope others are finding value in it.
As the Leader in a full time/unlimited power exchange relationship, I am as responsible for my followers physical body as I want to be (or better said, as I’ve negotiated to be). In the case of dawn, that translates to avoiding injuring her (we do play in a BDSM space, so doing so in a way that causes yummy pain but not harm) or doing anything/allowing anything that may lead to harm. I am not an expert of physical bodies and dawn does a great job of paying attention to hers so in general I chose not to drive much here. I could (I have the right to) tell her to diet/eat more/sleep less/get up at 6am/walk daily or a variety of other things that I think would benefit her physically. But to be honest, a) she keeps her physical health as something she keeps in mind, b) I don’t know if that keto thing is really great or not great for her c) I don’t really want the job of being her physical trainer. If I see something clearly out of whack, I speak up.
But I am also responsible for her Mental Body. What this means to me is that she is taking care of the platform of her mental health. Now, to be clear, I am not responsible for dawn being happy (as much as I like to believe I am), but instead that she has what she needs to be in a place where happiness can flourish. And at the same time, a place where her sadness can be processed. Actions around this include telling her she can (or can not) go back to college because of the stress it would cause or (one I actually did) was prevent her from taking on some new project because she had, in my view, enough already.
With the physical body, often if something is off, we know it immediately - my foot hurts, my arm aches. With the mental, it can be more challenging to see. And sometimes we as either people hide or simply can’t see our own issues and challenges. I am no expert in mental health. The best command I gave her there was to call a counselor. Not set up eight sessions, not 'just get over' whatever was causing her discomfort (gods no), not trying to work out her issues via a scene. No. Instead, just being the solid foundation to get her to launch the work she needed to do. And, to be the person who can see her. Meaning, her own perception of herself was skewed by years of being told she was unworthy/unwanted. We talk about being the witness - just seeing what is, without attachment to it, and avoiding unskillful reactions. When dawn told me about some of the horrors she was put through, I heard her, loved her anyway, and said ‘Now go get me a cup of coffee, follower’, and that was just right.
Now, we have to understand, the language here is a bit imprecise. Does a chemical imbalance causing depression count as a Physical Body or Mental Body? Let's not get too attached to those words and instead get our followers (and our Leaders) what they need to be healthy in all aspects of their lives.
Dan
A couple nights ago during our sub chat on zoom, I offered the topic of “As a sub/slave/follower, what do you bring to the table?” I love starting off the new year with this topic and have done so for the last 10 years or so.
I like to make subs aware that they absolutely bring something to the table in a Power Exchange relationship. Many concentrate so much on what the Master/Dom/Leader provides a relationship that they forget their own skills.
Some of the items brought up last night included organization, companionship, obedience, alignment of will, extension of will, a port in the storm, among others.
These skills and offerings should be thought about when negotiating the relationship. And keep in mind that you may not know everything you bring to the table. Ask friends what they see as your strengths. Ask your Leader/Master/Dom what they see in you. And really listen.
Then, embrace what you bring. These are your strengths. This is part of the dance steps involved in your dance that is power exchange. If your Dom is smart, they will use these strengths to the advantage of the relationship.
~dawn
The year in Review
Wow….what a year. 2021 brought a lot of changes for Dan and I.
It was a weird beginning with still being in the midst of covid, the Space closed so our weekends were free, and taking care of bat’s daughter.
As it warmed up, we spent time in parks visiting friends one by one, chatting 6 feet apart. No hugs, but it was great seeing people again. Even as an introvert, I was used to seeing hundreds of people each week at the Space and at events. Dan and I are great condo covid partners, but I was missing my friends.
I spent more time on my trike and we spent time on our motorcycles.
Lots of time on zoom workshops both together and me with my energy and slave classes.
We were in a comfortable pattern, boardgames at night. Lots of reading and writing, lots of zoom workshops, etc.
Then, we took a motorcycle trip to Kentucky for my birthday and Memorial Day weekend. We visited friends and talked to them about moving into an RV. While interviewing people for the Erotic Awakening podcast, we had come across a few people that where living in RVs full-time. That really tingled Dan’s minimalist button and my adventure button. We hashed it out outloud with our friends and they were surprised when I admitted that I really thought we’d follow through with this. I’m the one that usually resists big changes. It’s hard for me to adapt.
And not only did this mean selling our condo, our cars, motorcycles and furniture…but it meant moving from campground to campground every few weeks. Lots of change every couple of weeks. It had the possibility of being anxiety producing. But, what the hell? If not now? When? Retirement? No one is guaranteed to live that long. And our bodies are already having issues as we age. I want to do the outdoorsy stuff now while I can. Triking, hiking, kayaking, walking, swimming….all the stuff!
So, within a week of having this discussion with friends in KY, we had made the decision to jump into the deep end. A few people said we should rent an RV and see if we even liked it, since we’d never been in one. Nah. We were in too much of a hurry for that. We had done some research for a couple of weeks and were out camping with a few other friends, when the trailer we wanted appeared 20 minutes away from us. We went and bought it.
A lot of people have decided to do the route of full-time RV living since covid, working from home and the housing market craze. So, finding a truck and a trailer were near impossible, especially ones that you really wanted. A lot of people were settling because everything was scarce. We were able to find exactly what we were looking for. The Universe was providing.
In one month, we had the condo on the market, the truck bought and the trailer bought. We found a campground outside of Columbus and then I went back to the condo and sold most of the stuff in it and stored my office stuff and vending stuff. Furniture sold. Both motorcycles sold. Dan’s car traded in, my car sold. Condo sold. There was no going back, at least for us.
The thought of leaving Columbus was hard. All our friends are there. Our kids and grandchild are there. Bat’s daughter is there. But, the Space was gone and Dan was working remotely. Why not now?
So, we got our vaccines and hit the road.
Now that we’ve been on the road for the last half of the year, we’ve spent a lot of time on Zoom with virtual events. I finished my Rev. Dawn ritual book and published it. We actually taught at an in-person event and visited a dungeon, run by friends of ours, in Orlando. And we’ve been having a blast!!!!
Cultivating joy and experiencing life is the name of the game!
It’s only been 6 months in the RV and we’ve spent time in Columbus twice, been to Kentucky for a month and a bit of time in Indiana, Michigan, overnights in West Virginia and North Carolina, a month in South Carolina and now time roaming around Florida.
Though, now that we are on the road, we also want to give swinging a try. We aren’t really the swinging type, we lean more towards polyamory, but why the hell not give it a try again? We love meeting people, we love being intimate with people, so let’s move forward with experiencing life. I’ve met up with someone from OKC of all places, have met a couple of times. Though it’s only been dinner and time spent on a pier over the ocean at midnight. I’ve got the dating part down, now I just need to figure out how to drag them off to a motel. ;)
And that’s 2021 in a nutshell or at least a wide overview look at it.
2022 has started off on an upbeat as well. We’ll continue to teach on zoom and present for online events. There are a couple scheduled for this year already. And we’ll continue with the podcast and are currently working on our next power exchange book. Hopefully, we’ll get the Polyamory Toolkit audio recorded this year as well. And we plan to buff up our youtube presence a bit. Our discord channel has been an amazing time with a great group of people. I love the daily conversation.
Hell, you may even see us on tik tok this year if we find the time.
At the moment, I’m sitting in the sun with the pup at my feet, listening to kids play around the RV park. We have a Leather Pride flag out our front door to welcome anyone that may recognize it, along with a pineapple flag tooting us as swingers for anyone in the know. So far, no one has spoken up about knowing what they mean. That’s the only weird part of RVing so far. We haven’t come across other kinksters.
Anyway, I’m going to put on a pair of tennis shoes and go walk on the nature path next to the river. Tonight is a zoom Power Exchange meeting with other Power Exchange friends. Then, time by the campfire.
Fear Play - the dichotomy
This is one of those types of play that is hard to describe.....but when there is a perfect storm, this really, really works for me.
I'm not sure when this started (it had to be with Dan, I'm sure)..because usually if someone scares me, it puts me into fight/flight mode. That's not a good place for me to be. I've head butted people before that thought it was funny to sneak up on me. I've punched people before that have scared me. It's an automatic reaction and something I've had to work on. (Though, I'd rather have the fight reaction to fear than the 'freeze' response which I've actually done somatic therapy for.)
Now, if Dan comes up behind me and wraps his arm around my throat or comes up and punches me...I melt. If the boyfriend does something scary, I talk my brain down from the ledge, and then it's hot.
When I've set up a scene with someone I know, and they know I like fear play.....My heart races but I melt with whatever they do. I wonder why that is?
I've given it some thought, because I can only do this with people I trust not to ultimately harm me.
If Dan wraps me in cling wrap to a suspension frame and then pushes me back and forth so that I continue to fall closer and closer to the floor, I'm super wet and scared and excited.
When he wraps his arm around my throat and pulls out the knife, I whimper in fear and pleasure.
When MD had me step backwards off a ledge (only a couple of inches) where he had to catch me. It terrified me, made me wet and after a couple of attempts, I finally was able to do it, I about orgasmed on the spot.
When MW has had me do some things during our scenes over the years, from electricity to wrestling on the mats to machetes....fear and pleasure...rarrrrrrrrr
It can be as simple as obeying someone's command, like stepping off that little ledge.
But, when I negotiate with a new person, I don't mention 'fear play'. That's because since I don't know them, I don't know that they have my safety in mind. I don't know if it's just for their pleasure which leaves my pleasure out of it. Which turns into a fear I can't work with for play purposes.
I have figured out that if I don't totally trust them...it's adrenaline that pumping. Adrenaline isn't a good thing. For me.
A couple of years ago, I had a scene with someone that was supposed to be a prisoner/prison guard scene. Instead, it turned into a fear of me falling down with shackles on scene. Not planned by either of us. And because it wasn't planned and negotiated as a fear scene, I couldn't get myself out of the adrenaline mode. Luckily the top saw what happened and was able to go with the flow and get me out of the adrenaline phase. I'd definitely play with him again and this time make sure we talk about if it turns into a fear scene and how to turn it into endorphines. Once we talk about that and how he was able to do it, I can relax into the fear.
That makes no sense, I know.
But, for me, it is a difference with adrenaline and endorphins. One makes me want to punch, the other makes me want to fuck.
The sweet spot is when I'm thinking of punching and fighting back, but can control it, because of the trust. And letting them do what they want with me....wanting to wrap my legs around them and not letting them go.
Getting to that vulnerable place of fear/trust....yep, that's the sweet spot.
~dawn
In March of 2021 we hit 20 years collared and today it's 20 years married! Hard to believe we've made it this far....and are actually looking forward to the next 20 years 😄 
Experience Junkies
Though Dan doesn’t like to use the word ‘junkie’, I’m not sure what word is more fitting.
We love to experience life and a lot of what it has to offer. Though, it’s easier for him to jump in the deep end for those experiences than it is for me. I’m more of a toe dipper. Sometimes Dan has to push me into the pool. But, he only does so because he knows I’m a great swimmer.
Because we like to experience all that we can…..we have moved a lot (in Central Ohio) over the last 22 years...We finally sold everything and are currently we are full-time RVers. We are kinky and love to try new things with new people. We are poly and love to meet new people, open to the idea that it could develop into something, though that’s not needed. It’s fun to listen to people’s stories.
We love presenting at events, meeting people, teaching, and participating. Producing events has its own adventures. Each kind we’ve produced...power exchange and polyam….has had it’s own challenges. Some of it’s the same stuff, but different communities. We've owned a small place for the kink and poly communities to meet at. We upgraded and were co-directors of The Columbus Space for years. We are writer's and podcasters, etc. etc. So much 'experience' involved in all of this.
We love to travel….we've done a lot, domestic, but we want to do so much more as we travel in the RV.
We are currently in South Carolina because we’ve never been here before. It’s been a blast. We’ve been spending time meeting some of our patrons and podcast listeners. Great people.
We love trying new hobbies…..kayaking, hiking, backpacking, triking, motorcycles…..and we go all in for the adventure. Though some things we only try once just to say we've done it.
I even have a “101 Goals in 1001 Days” bucket list to remind me of all the cool things I want to do.
So even if something is scary….I try to be courageous enough to try it. Ziplining, I jumped through my fear. Though jumping out of a plane…..not on that list. I have no interest in jumping out of a perfectly good airplane.
What’s next? I’ll be at an event this weekend…..the first in almost 2 years. I’ve set up at least one playdate, with whips. That means distance play. At his point of covid, I’m happy with that idea.
We also want to try swinging again. The idea of this adventure is exciting and scary at the same time. Again, I’m a toe dipper, but I’m going to have to learn to jump in the deep end before Dan pushes me. I want to do this. I want to meet people. I want to enjoy time with others and hear their stories, learn about their likes and dislikes, what turns them on, who they are. That doesn’t make me much of a swinger from what I hear. Though I love sex, I love experiencing the people even more. So, instead of swinging…..I’m looking for friends with benefits. That’s going to be an adventure in and of itself.
Hard to believe with us being introverts huh? Sometimes we do have to push ourselves forward, but the experiences are worth it.
Every New and Full Moon, I do a healing ritual for family, friends and anyone else that could use some healing....
New moon on Saturday means I'll be doing another healing ritual. Please let me know if you would like to be added to the healing list or if you know of someone.
~dawn