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Capricious and Caged

Musings, querulous rants, and possibly actual writings of a temperamental sub type.
1 week ago. Tue 12 Mar 2019 09:04:43 PM IST

Hindsight is 20/20. Listen to your gut instincts.

Common enough "advice" and yet I don't think we really give credence to it. 

After having witnessed some.."events" I'm fully exasperated and fatigued by people and their never ceasing drama and incessant denial of the truth. After evidence, after hours of discussion, after everything, the choice to completely ignore it.

And then, not only ignore it but propagate it! Those behaviours that they themselves complained about, they now cast on others, as if they never spoke them. As if they, in their infinite guiltlessness had not dared speak a word against. Deny that utterances were shared, not just heard; spoken by all parties one and the same! Affirmed and reaffirmed, repeated; blatant refusal that those words, held in confidence, were repeated to an outside party who had no right to the information.

Lies and deception and oh the hypocrisy of it all! 

We all took part; all confirmed our rightous belief in the negativity asserted by this individual and that it's cessation would be imminent, if people were informed. 

Yet you run to them, belief and doubt cast aside. Embraced fully in arms never meant for you, never meant to hold you and call you their own. Arms belonging to one that scorned, one that controlled, manipulated and hurt you and you run back as if it all never happened. 

Yet WE are the ones to blame? We, the few who chose to stand against, who concluded that this individual was best left to their own devices and kept out for the betterment of all? As if you had not said the SAME as did we all. 

No. You never gave up. You wanted to be the one that was steadfast, who stuck with it just so you could say you only were the one to never cast them aside. As if you never shamed the very behaviours you now claim to adore.

My heart weeps for the loss. The want to reply and to argue - to PLEAD that reason will be heard and acknowledged is ever present but as was said, you know what you're doing. 

The trust is broken. Ne'er again the bond between survivors strengthened, but disintegrated and cast as ashes to the wind. 

I hope the best for the future and that perhaps redemption is in the cards.

But "we happy few" will not be party to it. Too much energy expended on a situation best left in the past and we cannot abide or tolerate such a breach in trust. An attempt was made. It was ignored as rose colored glasses, thick as lead, were adorned in lieu of common sense.

It has been made clear our efforts were in vain..

I wish you well

And as they say, god speed.

 

 

2 weeks ago. Wed 06 Mar 2019 05:21:52 PM IST

I haven't felt well.

I've been bopping in and out of "existence" lately, trying to keep up with life's demands and there's no balance. 

I work. So not a lot of time to socialize when getting home at 8pm and I still need to eat, shower, prepare for the next day.

I feel like I've gained weight. I haven't; but I hadn't lost any either. My job is sedentary so I don't get the opportunity to get up (god forbid, they'd ask me why I was away from my desk! [They're really not that bad but you cant really just get up and walk around]).

I have some things to (in one case, nervously) look forward to. Going to Kinky Kollege with Redtailedkitty was a very VERY last minute opportunity I was presented with that I just couldnt turn down. Last 2 tickets? I got em. Fight me.

Also going to Arizona in April for vacation. I'll miss the brisk mountain air of our normal vacation spots but I hear they have mountains too; just...hot.

I know the kink community is supposed to be about acceptance, no shaming, and going to the con at my weight would be fine. I look "fine"..but I don't feel fine and I feel about as sexy as a rotten turnip. SO!..my heavy lard ass really has got to do something to lose some weight so I'm not DEAD weight. I've tried..ohh well about a hundred things and I either get lazy (yep, admitting it), bored, or I lose steam, give up, lose motivation. "What's the point, I'll never not be fat". 

But I'm gonna try. And I say the same things every time I start something new like "oh this could really work if I just 'insert some miniscule motivator here'". But ive got something in my back pocket so we'll see.

Monday, March 4th 2019-a new beginning? Maybe.

2 weeks ago. Sat 02 Mar 2019 06:06:13 AM IST

I do not believe in the Christian god but this resonates.

Hope it will for you all as well

2 months ago. Mon 21 Jan 2019 02:39:01 AM IST

Not exactly feeling 100% self esteem wise. Never have, honestly. 

Being a plain Jane is not the greatest thing in the world but I guess I shouldn't be so shallow and focus on looks..I'm a decent person, most of the time.

But it sucks when your outside doesn't match the image of you that you feel on the inside

#firstworldproblems

2 months ago. Fri 18 Jan 2019 05:11:34 AM IST

Definitely enjoy Milkwebs' content and happy to post something for the littles, bigs and in-betweens.

 

Hope you're all having a great day!

 

 

2 months ago. Sun 13 Jan 2019 06:54:50 AM IST

Excellently demonstrates a brief negotiation prior to play or a scene, during, and some aftercare (specific to her, of course). So happy to see the natural flow and spark between these two lovely women.

 

 

2 months ago. Sat 12 Jan 2019 08:37:50 AM IST

If you have the time, I highly recommend giving this a watch. Good things to remember for those in the scene a while or just starting out. Brittney and Evie are great, upstanding educators for kink and BDSM.

 

2 months ago. Sat 22 Dec 2018 11:34:45 PM IST

 Upping the ante: I see your Hu and raise you Heilung.

 

1 year ago. Sat 23 Dec 2017 06:49:49 AM IST

Drowning.

Sepia-toned, Pointilistic reproductions 

lost in tempestuous seas.

Oxygen.

Gasping, a desperate plea for another breath.

Raw throat, screams clawing from the depths

break the Silence.

Stillness.

Lifeless limbs tempest tossed,

a visage marred and broken;

carrion feast for Crows.

Agony.

Doubtful fleeting glances,

taciturn lips pressed in thin lines.

 

They never knew anyway.   

  

 

 

1 year ago. Mon 18 Dec 2017 03:44:22 AM IST

7:04 pm, CST. The urge to write something, even without a topic in mind, is overwhelming. Yet, the entire day I've been riding a swift train fueled by  anxiety that doesn't seem to have a final destination. 

My heart feels as if a jailbreak is being planned, every beat a vain attempt to burst through its ivory cage. Outside, I am vulnerable; visible to every pedestrian paying even just a lick of attention. I feel choked, tight in the chest and hyper aware of my surroundings. A heaviness has settled over me like a miasma, seeping into every fibre of my being until fatigue takes over and I slink to the sofa, collapsing. I am spent.

Days like these, while not necessarily difficult, are wearisome. 

It's truly hard to focus on being productive and "adulting". Dishes, laundry, grocery shopping..They all feel like tasks set before me by a malicious deity, intent on my destruction. Their completion lay on a pedestal at the top of a mountain comprised of doubt, despair, and self-loathing.

Today, I feel as if the anxiety has anchored into my heart and weighs me down from the core of my very being. 

It comes from nowhere, stems from nothing, but is all encompassing. 

At this juncture, it feels as if the weight of worlds rests upon my shoulders, war being waged betwixt the two. The fallout is my sanity; my livliness.

Every step is a chore; leaden feet shuffle across a carpet flattened by the wear of constant pacing. 

The clock on the wall ticks away every moment, and every moment a lifetime.

I resume staring at the cursor on the screen. It blinks at me rhythmically, mocking my inability. It feels as if the page itself has come alive and titters away at my own incompetance. The lack of characters on the screen serve as evidence enough.

I close my eyes and breathe, attempting to summon the courage to just start, type anything, ANYTHING at all..

Then a spark. An unprompted flow of words sends my fingers gliding over the keys, a steady clacking in their wake.

One more day.. One more unwelcome bout of anxiety and self-doubt overcome and I am able to set my whirring mind to the seemingly accomplishable task at hand. 

7:40 pm, CST.

Game, set, match.