1 year ago. Mon 18 Dec 2017 03:44:22 AM IST
7:04 pm, CST. The urge to write something, even without a topic in mind, is overwhelming. Yet, the entire day I've been riding a swift train fueled by anxiety that doesn't seem to have a final destination.
My heart feels as if a jailbreak is being planned, every beat a vain attempt to burst through its ivory cage. Outside, I am vulnerable; visible to every pedestrian paying even just a lick of attention. I feel choked, tight in the chest and hyper aware of my surroundings. A heaviness has settled over me like a miasma, seeping into every fibre of my being until fatigue takes over and I slink to the sofa, collapsing. I am spent.
Days like these, while not necessarily difficult, are wearisome.
It's truly hard to focus on being productive and "adulting". Dishes, laundry, grocery shopping..They all feel like tasks set before me by a malicious deity, intent on my destruction. Their completion lay on a pedestal at the top of a mountain comprised of doubt, despair, and self-loathing.
Today, I feel as if the anxiety has anchored into my heart and weighs me down from the core of my very being.
It comes from nowhere, stems from nothing, but is all encompassing.
At this juncture, it feels as if the weight of worlds rests upon my shoulders, war being waged betwixt the two. The fallout is my sanity; my livliness.
Every step is a chore; leaden feet shuffle across a carpet flattened by the wear of constant pacing.
The clock on the wall ticks away every moment, and every moment a lifetime.
I resume staring at the cursor on the screen. It blinks at me rhythmically, mocking my inability. It feels as if the page itself has come alive and titters away at my own incompetance. The lack of characters on the screen serve as evidence enough.
I close my eyes and breathe, attempting to summon the courage to just start, type anything, ANYTHING at all..
Then a spark. An unprompted flow of words sends my fingers gliding over the keys, a steady clacking in their wake.
One more day.. One more unwelcome bout of anxiety and self-doubt overcome and I am able to set my whirring mind to the seemingly accomplishable task at hand.
7:40 pm, CST.
Game, set, match.