The A Word

It's been such a long time since I've written anything. No words marring the lined surface of a page; nothing to fill the stark luminescence of an empty screen whose cursor blinks mockingly.

Today, motivation to complete my work has abandoned me, leaving only daydreams in its absence. I welcome the respite and indulge myself, if only for a little while. The calls could wait...

I scan my thighs, bare but for the faint remnants of bruises dappled across my skin. The corners of my mouth pull into a slight smile as my mind wanders, eyes still dreamily fixed on those fading violet hues.

I’d begun craving those nights, lured back again by moments that each felt more like an eternity. Moments that left my breath hitched in my throat, allowing only sharp gasps to be whispered into the silence.

...Pushed firmly against a cool wall, unable but moreover unwilling, to “free” myself.

My eyes were firmly held shut, yet I could still feel his gaze searching my face, the familiar blush now burning my cheeks. My mind, usually buzzing with unwanted activity, was silent. I was in the here and now, focused solely on the heat of his body pressed against mine. I awaited his touch eagerly, silently pleading yet willing myself somehow to have patience. As if reading my thoughts, I'm awarded with a soft caress of my cheek, still flushed with heat. I melt into his hand, convinced I'd been starved for affection for the entirety of my life; I was drowning, and his touch was the air I needed so desperately.

He pulled his hand away, almost reluctantly, leaving only longing in its wake. I felt the pressure ease from my body as he turned and slipped quietly down the hallway, into the bedroom. Still leaning against the wall, I allowed my eyelids to gently drift open as distant sounds of rummaging reached my ears. I shivered slightly, more from the bittersweet misery of anticipation than the cool air lightly rushing across my skin.

Glancing down the darkened hallway, I saw him emerge, silhouetted by the soft glow of the bedroom behind. I was only just able to make out the faint outline of an item clasped in his hand, light giving over to muted darkness as he pulled the door closed. He slowly (almost painfully so) made his way back to me, chuckling at my reluctance to remove myself from the familiarity and stability of the wall pressed against my back. He reached out and pulled me toward him, his scent somehow an invigorating mix of comfort and pleasure, titillating my senses and serving only to increase my ache for him. He placed a brief kiss on my forehead before turning me around to face the wall. Having been in this situation previously, I readied myself for a guiding nudge toward said wall but it never came. I turned my head questioningly in his direction but was met instead with his hand tangled in my hair with a firm grip, considerably limiting the small movement I'd attempted and forcing me again to face the blank wall before me.

“Don’t. Move.”, he growled into my ear.

My pulse quickened, stirred by the sound. His voice, deep and husky, a stark contrast to the smooth velvet I’d become accustomed to. He brought his arms up and over my head, lightly brushing against my skin in doing so. I trembled, unable to contain even the most minimal reactions, my body betraying me. I could hide nothing, utterly ensnared in his meticulously woven web. He chuckled again, invariably aware of how incredibly intoxicating I found his touch. A song of ice and fire were we.

“No fair...”, I muttered quietly.

Quite suddenly, my vision was obscured by darkness. Any source of light was lost as he placed what seemed to be an impregnable blindfold over my eyes, fitting it snugly to my head. I stood silent for what felt like a lifetime, my other senses heightening to account for my abrupt loss of vision.

Satisfied when I was sufficiently unable to see, he traced his fingers lightly down my arms. I gasped almost inaudibly and reflexively attempted to pull myself away from the sensation. Again, I met resistance as he immobilized me with the firm grasp of his fingers intertwined in my long hair.

“I said: ‘Don’t. Move.’”, he growled again.

I could recognize the barest hint of amusement in his tone, yet the unspoken threat of “don’t cross me” lingered in the air and stopped me short; this was not the night for impish retorts.

“Yes, Sir”, I managed to mumble through lips now seemingly unsure of how to form the words.

“I don’t think I heard you correctly. Say it again.”, the words barely above a whisper in my ear.

“Yes, Sir”, I said once more, managing to wrap my tongue successfully around the words, though they were only just audible. He seemed satisfied.

“Good girl” he said, causing that all too familiar blush to return to my cheeks. I could hear the slight smile in his voice. He trailed his fingers gently down my arms again with the barest touch; my spine stiffened, determined to do as he bade me. His nearly torturous toying with my senses ceased as he reached my hand and took it in his. A hush had fallen across the house as he led me down the carpeted hallway and paused briefly before opening the bedroom door.

“You. Are. Mine.
Tonight, I will do with you as I see fit, understood?”

“Y..y..yes, Sir”, I stammered, cursing my inability to speak, the impact of his words settling in.
“Good girl”, he said once more and ushered me past the threshold to the unknown that wait beyond...

The sound of an incoming call broke through, startling me and putting an unwanted but successful end to my girlish daydreams. I'd all but forgotten I was still supposed to be working diligently rather than engaging my mind elsewhere. Mouth dry, I took a sip of water to quench a thirst which I was not altogether sure had anything to do with physical hydration. The desperate yearning to be elsewhere nigh overwhelming, and a vague smile on my face, I sighed and dutifully answered the phone.

“Thank you for calling, how may I help you today?”

An apt song for you all.

Give it a watch. 🤐😈💖

Decided very early on this morning that I *really* wanted to carve pumpkins

But not normal carving, noooooo, not me! I have to make it as difficult as possible for myself and then beat myself up if I don't succeed at an almost impossible task ;)

This year though, I did pretty well. 

Voldemort came first and boy am I pleased with the result! Then I pushed and wanted to do another which came out okay? But the pumpkin was a little too juicy and my hands a little too tired.

Alas! They are both done and lovely and I wanted to share them with you all and prompt some carving (or etching, in my case) of your own!

Happy (almost) Halloween!

Normally I just block them. But what in the ever loving fuck did he think was going to happen?

On his profile he says he's VERY into public humiliation. 

Happy to oblige.

So Sunday last, I attended a brunch get together for the community I'm involved in, Purgatory. It was mostly regulars there with the exception of 2 new folks. We were going over our upcoming kinky picnic event and rehashing some details around it; games, food, regulations, etc.

Now, I've become rather fond of this group. We do bowling activities, regular munches, brunch munch, etc. Its a nice mix and I've really grown fairly comfortable with the regulars. I can laugh and carry on without a care in the world because I know I'm safe. 

For us in the lifestyle, its damn important for us to find a group we mesh well with and don't feel threatened by; people we know wont make overt advances or make us uncomfortable in the environment.

Unfortunately, due to the ignorance of one newcomer, the safety and familial atmosphere were briefly lost and my equilibrium cast adrift.

I'm naturally a friendly person. I do have a personal space thing that I expect to be respected but I can be very animated and playful, downright goofy, and generally a lot of fun to be around ( I think). In this space, I don't ever expect to have someone attempt to take advantage of my good nature. 

Here's me, trying to be friendly to the newbie. Its his first time at any event, ever, so trying to make them feel comfortable and welcome to a group that otherwise knows each other is kinda important. We're chatting, laughing, having a good time. He engaged in conversation with the group, talked about the picnic and how he would like to attend, everything is going well. He reengages me in conversation, asking if I liked Disney (we had mentioned something about the new Toy Story movie) and what I thought about this or that. Long story short, he'd like to add me on Fet.

Sure, no problem! Just gotta look me up on the group page, easy enough. Well, since I was a last minute attendee for the brunch munch, I wasnt on the list and he was having a hard time finding me in the group. He leaned toward me slightly so I could see his phone better (damn glare from the sun) but I couldn't see it still so he handed it to me. As I was navigating the site, in the minuscule amount of time it took me to friend me, he stroked my thigh.

He was still leaned over, looking at the phone as I was scrolling and put his hand on my thigh, caressing with his fingers. 

To say I was alarmed would be an understatement. I quietly slapped his hand twice and shook my head no at him, looking up to see if anyone had noticed. They hadn't, thankfully. I didn't want to cause a scene. I quickly was caught up in another conversation by the man next to me and was able to politely turn my attentions to him without being rude.

THIS IS NOT OKAY!

Besides the fact that there was NO consent to this action, I have problems with this. 

A. I was not, in any way, indicating that him touching me was okay. Not at all, not in the slightest, nuh UH. Though I know this, I still wondered what I had done to make him think it was okay. Had I led him on in some way? Smiled a little too brightly, laughed a little too hard? No, I really hadn't. Yes, I know this is a shitty mentality to have but trust me when I say many women think the same; we've been programmed to, but that's a topic for another time.

B. What if I'd had a Dominant there? Besides the fact that I did NOT consent to it, he would have been touching something he had no right to touch. Another persons "belonging" fondled as if it were an item on display for potential buyers. Not only that, but without permission from said Dom. No asking to see if I had one, no communication at all on the subject but apparently my thighs are open for whomever decides they'd like to have a feel. 

C. I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU!?! You have no right to even hug me goodbye if I don't want it, I met you all of 20 minutes ago. 

D. MUNCHES ARE NOT SINGLES EVENTS!! They are not free-for-all events that people go to in the hopes of finding a partner for the day or week or whatever. We're looking for community. If a potential partner pops up out of that, awesome, but that's NOT what we're there for. We're not all a bunch of swingers talking about who we're trading with for the day. Not to mention, the blatant ignoring of the RING ON MY LEFT HAND indicating my very much not single status. 

E. Most importantly, munches are supposed to be safe and secure. We get together and get to know each other for a sense of belonging. To find a community where we feel comfortable and at ease. We go to engage with people that we can grow with and learn from in a space that we know is going to be non-threatening.

As simple and small as this action was, it spoke volumes. It threatened the sanctity of the community, the bond we all had formed..What if that had been my first event, too? I would be scared, intimidated and very likely to not want to attend another out of trepidation of something similar happening elsewhere. It inhibits the ability for any community to bring in new folks when they have someone positively predatory among the ranks quietly dissuading them with unwarranted advances. 

Consent is and always will be a key aspect of BDSM. To ignore it is folly and will quickly get you ousted and blacklisted from many, if not ALL events. Word will get around. 

Dont worry folks. I didnt keep silent. I was SUPER FUCKING UNCOMFORTABLE. My poor heart leapt into my throat at his touch and it took all I could muster to not visibly recoil. Thankfully, I am close with both heads of the group and let them know what had happened. Being his first event and how little I know about him, I told her that I wasn't looking to have him banned but educated instead. I don't know how long he's even been involved in the scene and giving benefit of the doubt (maybe being too nice, I know), chose to give another chance. He has since been spoken to by not only them, but myself as well. 

Regardless of being allowed in our group or not, he needed to know that what he did was wrong. He needed to hear, from ME, how uncomfortable he made me feel. We cannot keep quiet about these things, its not an option. I made sure to mention how huge consent is, how he absolutely cannot be touching people without their permission and treating the gathering as his personal fucking playground. 

I was VERY direct. I may have upset him, but that doesnt concern me. He knows now, if he didn't before, that his behaviour is not okay and will not be tolerated in any capacity. The Heads are keeping an eye on him as well.

I'm trying to give a newbie a chance. We all fuck up. But this is his only shot to prove he wants to be part of a community,not just use it to scope out people to "fuck". 

I know it sounds a bit soft and many of you might think I'm giving him leave to do it again. 

I assure you, I am not. All eyes will be on him. I am not afraid to speak up or protect myself and will do so without hesitation. Giving him another chance is my choice, yes, and it may seem foolish to some. I have carefully thought out my actions to be fair to all involved and hopefully this will be the last mistake he makes. 

Please stay safe, folks. I know I am not the only one to have experienced something like this and we cannot allow it to continue. If it happens to you, SAY something. We cannot stop this kind of blatant nonsense if no one says anything and puts a stop to it. Going unchecked, ignorance of rules or protocol can and will endanger many people. Its our job to keep each other out of harms way, unless that harm is being gleefully consented to by all involved ;)

So keep each other well and safe. Speak out when needed and never be afraid to stop a predator in their tracks. If it doesn't stop with you, they'll do it over and over again, leaving a trail of destruction in their wake.

Remember: SSC, RACK, PRICK or whatever acronym you use are not just there for funsies. They are key to BDSM surviving in an unforgiving and judgmental world.

We are responsible for ourselves but also need to keep the safety of others at the forefront of our minds, always.

This lifestyle cannot work if we don't do all we can to preserve its integrity and ensure it lasts for generations to come. 

.

Last week's post seemed to have caused a small unintended stir. Someone decided to take a rather wholesome post and turn it into something it was never meant to be. I was blocked for defending myself against rampant stupidity. A day in the life, I guess.

Would that I had anything even remotely stirring to say this week. Even a hint of instigation to poke the bear and say, "hey, Ive got a bone to pick with you!" Why, when its needed most, is it so incredibly difficult to form sentences that are cohesive and sensible.

So.."normal" post it is, I guess.

I guess I'm worn out. In speaking to my husband earlier, I told him how I've been feeling. Down, a bit depressed, etc. His reaction was less than favourable in my emotional state so I moved away to another seat, instead of where I wanted to be.

After a long silence, he asked if he'd offended me. Of course not! Do I want to talk about it?

Well, if I knew what it was that was getting my brain in a tizzy, that would be lovely. 

I paused though, pensive for a moment, before realizing what had been gnawing at me.

"I need a challenge," I said. 

I like my job. Its stressful at times but ultimately easy. But, completely dull.

I want to be brilliant. I want to learn again. I want to feel a sense of accomplishment like I really make an impact; a difference.

I want a challenge. I'm tired of being relegated to mediocrity. 

I want to be on top of the heap, looking down at the climb that seemed impossible, and scream my delight at the top of my lungs!

Well..I guess as my father used to say.. 

"How's it feel to want?"

P.S. On a lighter note, I received wonderful gifts from a very special someone today: a cute oddball Unicorn stuffie and a lovely Alice in Wonderland tumbler (its a straw and screw on lid thing for cold drinks..idk if thats the word for it, but it is now!)

Thank you, very much, for the gifts. You were right, I absolutely love them. A bit of a "little" care package, I guess. 

I just need a name for the stuffie now. Robert? Tanzania? Rufus? Oh yes...Rufus the Unicorn.....

Suggestions?

So...Im home today. 

Had a pretty intense ramp up on the anxiety front and as much as I HATE calling in, I recognize the need for it. So topic of the day here is going to be the same.

Regardless of if you do or do not have a diagnosis for mental illness, we ALL need to be cognizant of the need for mental health days. 

Some days, you're just not up to the task and that's okay. We all need to take a step back and let the world pass us by for a short time to recoup and be on top of our game. This goes for work as well as in the lifestyle, obviously.

BDSM is heavy business. For a fair amount, if not all of us, it can be incredibly emotional and we use it as an outlet. We feel comfortable enough to let out whatever it is and embrace all of the emotions. AWL OB DEM! Hell, negotiate for a scene that lets you cry to your heart's content to get it all out there. If thats the release you need, fucking have at it! Of course, make sure your partner is aware thats what you're going for. Dont want the waterworks to happen and they have no clue, theyre startled, possibly put off cause yall need to FUCKING COMMUNICATE!!

Anyway.

So, necessity begs for action. You cannot just let things build up, rot and fester. It aint fucking healthy. So for all you macho "I dont need to show emotion types" fucking buck up and deal with it. Life is a goddamn rollercoaster and you being a stuffy asshole that refuses to face his humanity is dangerous and fucking STUPID.

We need time. Spend it how you like; go for a walk, a drive, to the gym, color, dance, whatever! Find an outlet to satisfy that call to action in your mind going "sTAHP! We need to get off the ride, Im gettin dizzy!". Take a damn day, tell work to fuck off, and enjoy your time. Really take a moment to enjoy that freshly brewed tea, coffee, fancy water, donut, muffin, idfc!

Take the time to be mindful, notice the small things and be thankful for them. 

We need a break from life. We drudge through day after day, working toward..what? We only live for so long and we're going to spend our youths working tirelessly to provide for ourselves in the future when many of us will be too old to really enjoy the hell out of it. I want to hike and swim and see beautiful things NOW so I can call up those memories when I'm too old to do it anymore and know that I spent my years in the best possible way. I dont want to go through life regretting the things I never did.

Take your time. Life passes by far too quickly and we let it go, unknowingly. 

Take the day and enjoy the rain or snow or sunshine; the way the misty morning fog rolls in and envelops all it touches in a silent shroud of wonder.

There's no better reward for toiling as we do than letting our minds heal.

Go have a great day, you fools. <3

I'm sure we're all familiar with them.

Simon Says and Mother May I.

For us here in the lifestyle, I dont think we've given them much of a thought outside of our formative years. Just silly games we played to pass the time (time that we wish we had back, in most cases).

But a silly thought struck me this morning about the games, how we play, and how they've affected us in our adult lives. How have they groomed us, specifically s types, for the tasks we face day to day?

Alright, so they're simple. Simon says: "_______", Mother may I "____", and off we go. Super easy! But it can get a little more complicated (what, these are kids games, whats so complicated about them??), and we often disregard the deeply ingrained rule of Simon says and the utter simplicity of Mother May I. Complex chain commands can throw us for a loop and get us eliminated from the game, and not asking for permission from Mother has a lasting effect.

I know, I know: "Amdis, where the fuck are you going with this, make your point!"

I got this.

My point about Simon and Mother (and we capitalize, clearly, cause they're the D types in this scenario) is that these games actually may have been more relevant to us s types than we think. As relevant as children's games can be, mind you.

But think about the premise. Simon says do a thing and you do a thing. Simon doesn't say, and...we don't! Same thing for Mother May I, only a bit of reversal here. Asking Mother and either you are allowed or you aren't. Done deal.

Placing it in the context of us lovely s types is simple from there. Sir/Daddy/Master (or whomever your D type) says to do something and we do it. If they didn't say, well, we get punished. A bit more severely than in the game, sure, but this is real life after all! As for Mother, we are asking to be allowed to do something and hope desperately for our Yes. Sometimes Mother doesn't allow it though and we all know Mother knows best.

Us lowercasers understand the command hierarchy, though sometimes I'm sure we'd rather stuff marshmallows in Daddy's mouth than actually listen to what he has to say. But we get it. We do our best to perform whatever command we're given to the best of our ability and try to listen to constructive criticism when we don't. Sometimes its a little harder when asking permission for something, you're given a no, and you don't always understand why.

So, I guess in a way, Simon and Mother were actually teaching us something way back in the playground days though we never knew it at the time.

Bear with me here, I know this is a stretch.

They taught us perseverance. The sticktoitiveness that all of us stubborn s types seem to embody so well. If you don't succeed, you try again and you get better with practice.

We were taught how to follow rules. Basically, if you don't have permission, you can't do it.( Yes, for the sake of brevity, I'm oversimplifying; get over it.) At first we get pissy and want to think they're bending the rules and they're being SO mean. Why can't we do the thing?? We WANT to do the thing, why can't we do it? [Don't do the thing, its a trap!] But we eventually come to understand a bit better how the game(s) work and use it, more often than not, to our advantage. You gotta soften them up sometimes, right? RIGHT!

We learned how to LISTEN. Not just hear what we want to hear, but actually listen. Simon says hands up, hands down. *hands go up, hands come down* You're out! Simon didn't say hands down. I'd personally argue that since it was in the same sentence it still counts, but I'm stubborn that way.

However, more than anything, I think they taught us patience. We had to learn the rules. We had to struggle a bit and go through a period of "what the fuck do you mean , I'm out! Simon said!" until we got to the end. We learned to wait our turn, even if Mother didn't approve of the steps we were taking, maybe she would allow us some big ones on the next go round. 

In the D/s respect, patience can be a huge deciding factor. Do we always understand why they don't want us to do something? No, fuck, of course not! But there ARE reasons, some of them just to reinforce the things that Simon and Mother taught us. And, as long as you're in a HEALTHY dynamic, we can usually be assured that their decisions are for the best. We don't have to trust them blindly and not question them, but we give them decision making capabilities over us for a reason and should respect the choices they make. Hell, have a conversation about it, just don't throw a tantrum cause you can't have another tub of cotton candy. 

I know its a silly, off the wall topic for this morning and half of you (on my side of the world) probably aren't awake enough to tolerate my ramblings this morning and for that I apologize. Hopefully its not as stupid a concept as it reads, but if it is.. HAHA, I stole minutes of your life you can't get back! Nyahahaaa!

In any case

Simon says: Have a good day.

Hindsight is 20/20. Listen to your gut instincts.

Common enough "advice" and yet I don't think we really give credence to it. 

After having witnessed some.."events" I'm fully exasperated and fatigued by people and their never ceasing drama and incessant denial of the truth. After evidence, after hours of discussion, after everything, the choice to completely ignore it.

And then, not only ignore it but propagate it! Those behaviours that they themselves complained about, they now cast on others, as if they never spoke them. As if they, in their infinite guiltlessness had not dared speak a word against. Deny that utterances were shared, not just heard; spoken by all parties one and the same! Affirmed and reaffirmed, repeated; blatant refusal that those words, held in confidence, were repeated to an outside party who had no right to the information.

Lies and deception and oh the hypocrisy of it all! 

We all took part; all confirmed our rightous belief in the negativity asserted by this individual and that it's cessation would be imminent, if people were informed. 

Yet you run to them, belief and doubt cast aside. Embraced fully in arms never meant for you, never meant to hold you and call you their own. Arms belonging to one that scorned, one that controlled, manipulated and hurt you and you run back as if it all never happened. 

Yet WE are the ones to blame? We, the few who chose to stand against, who concluded that this individual was best left to their own devices and kept out for the betterment of all? As if you had not said the SAME as did we all. 

No. You never gave up. You wanted to be the one that was steadfast, who stuck with it just so you could say you only were the one to never cast them aside. As if you never shamed the very behaviours you now claim to adore.

My heart weeps for the loss. The want to reply and to argue - to PLEAD that reason will be heard and acknowledged is ever present but as was said, you know what you're doing. 

The trust is broken. Ne'er again the bond between survivors strengthened, but disintegrated and cast as ashes to the wind. 

I hope the best for the future and that perhaps redemption is in the cards.

But "we happy few" will not be party to it. Too much energy expended on a situation best left in the past and we cannot abide or tolerate such a breach in trust. An attempt was made. It was ignored as rose colored glasses, thick as lead, were adorned in lieu of common sense.

It has been made clear our efforts were in vain..

I wish you well

And as they say, god speed.

I haven't felt well.

I've been bopping in and out of "existence" lately, trying to keep up with life's demands and there's no balance. 

I work. So not a lot of time to socialize when getting home at 8pm and I still need to eat, shower, prepare for the next day.

I feel like I've gained weight. I haven't; but I hadn't lost any either. My job is sedentary so I don't get the opportunity to get up (god forbid, they'd ask me why I was away from my desk! [They're really not that bad but you cant really just get up and walk around]).

I have some things to (in one case, nervously) look forward to. Going to Kinky Kollege with Redtailedkitty was a very VERY last minute opportunity I was presented with that I just couldnt turn down. Last 2 tickets? I got em. Fight me.

Also going to Arizona in April for vacation. I'll miss the brisk mountain air of our normal vacation spots but I hear they have mountains too; just...hot.

I know the kink community is supposed to be about acceptance, no shaming, and going to the con at my weight would be fine. I look "fine"..but I don't feel fine and I feel about as sexy as a rotten turnip. SO!..my heavy lard ass really has got to do something to lose some weight so I'm not DEAD weight. I've tried..ohh well about a hundred things and I either get lazy (yep, admitting it), bored, or I lose steam, give up, lose motivation. "What's the point, I'll never not be fat". 

But I'm gonna try. And I say the same things every time I start something new like "oh this could really work if I just 'insert some miniscule motivator here'". But ive got something in my back pocket so we'll see.

Monday, March 4th 2019-a new beginning? Maybe.