My Feelings on the Puppies

I don't like being a dom sometimes. I'm bad at it too. It hurts to deal with a masochist when all I want is cuddles. I can be mean during playtime but I can't always be that. I like to love sometimes. I can't be a sub either. It's so hard to think of myself as controlled. Some days, I long for wholesome, soft loving. I had a boyfriend tell me that I'm far too perverted for that. Recently, I've been so sexually active with this sub M, I feel like I'm losing the fluffy component of it. In my early stages with M, we were cute. We were wholesome. We hadn't even kissed yet. When we first set boundaries, M said they were okay with anything as long as it wasn't too lewd. I really thought I could have something nice. Over the span of a few months, M started getting more... docile? They wanted me to limit their social interactions, to hit them if I thought it'd be funny, to pinch them if they said something I didn't like. In front of everyone. I haven't kissed them passionately in around two weeks now. This is because I found out they were telling all our friends about our "make out sessions" and how I moan and grind on them. This is a lie. Rumors about me are spreading throughout campus. Saying we fucked in a classroom. Calling me a whore. No rumors about M are spreading though. It's all about me. I haven't kissed them because I don't want to give them more material to lie about. They confessed to masturbating at the memory of our kisses. Even the wholesome ones. It made me sick. They told me they masturbate to selfies of me. They sent me which ones exactly and among all the lewd ones, there was a photo of me. One that my mother thought was cute. I wanted to throw up. I hated that. It ruined that photo of me for a long time. I sent it to them because I thought it was cute, not because I was sexy. Their perverse and lewd behavior are infecting our relationship. And everyone can see that it's making me uncomfortable except for M themselves. My friends have tried to distance me from them, but they keep following me. I even talked to their exes to see if this is normal. It's not normal for M to be so obsessed with someone. I hate this. Why me? No matter how much I try to set boundaries, M just doesn't listen. M wants me to violate them entirely. I can't do that. I can't even venture out. Once, I talked about M's friend E and how refreshing he was. How I want to get closer to him. M said they weren't jealous but the next day, they started calling their friend LA "cute" and "adorable". That ticked me off so I didn't really talk to them for the rest of the day. My friends sent me a text M sent to them. Saying I got mad at M for simply hanging out with LA even though I told M I liked E more. This is entirely exhausting. M is a liar and a bullshitter. Most of the time these days, I don't even have the energy to deal with them. I feel sick at the thought of them. Everyone asks me if I love M or even like them romantically. Truth is, I don't know. I probably did at first but my love is dwindling down with every fuck up they make. I'm sorry. I don't know if I can do this even.