I learned to be quiet when it was loud,
to stay calm, hold the flame
so no one smelled the smoke.
Sheltered those who violated trust
just to keep the harmony.
Became everyone's strength,
skinned tiny knees
so they could stand.
Silent feelings got in the way.
Shutdown became a guardian,
the ultimate protector.
Killed a soul trying to save people
Who broke anyway.
Detached, watched safely from the outside.
Hid in the background,
lived invisible in the failure.
Suffered what love wasn't,
even though the lesson was real.
Found peace in danger, warmth with a point --
Breathed fear that filled air, absorbed emptiness.
Still existing within desperate vigilance,
still waiting to hit the bottom of the pit,
still building walls, standing guard.
Searching for what was lost
while the house burned.
Still waiting for permission
to walk away from the ash.
I grieve the innocence of a girl who should have been held by hands that bruised.
I sleep with the ghost of the woman that should have been.