BDSM and the lifestyle

Depression wears funky shoes...does not matter what they look like, anymore, they all hurt and bring tears to my eyes.Food fills a void. And then my reflection hurts as well. Days pass. Alone most of the time with little that asks to be done.
Care becomes a bird with no feathers that cannot fly. Hope is my shoe sole with lots of holes. Nothing matters. Nothing changes. Especially me...days come and go and will, till i die, my next horizon, the grave, how exciting. Sun rises and sets as if change cannot happen. Tick tock...tick tock...
Am i waiting for Godot? Should i pin my eyelids open or no, maybe closed. Maybe not seeing what is before would help.
And...maybe not...ah well...time heals all or, if nothing else, takes what we want and leaves us to make a legacy. i have only words to hold what has been and could never be. Something happened and joy left me.

i feel free in this venue, and well, i am now, not owned. Life has been quirky. i have been silly depressed. Many of my community are not here so i am not outing anyone. i hate drama...the writings are just my moments in notes. Today i spoke with a dear friend who is moving. And i was considering my options, where my peeps are, etc. The cost of living in most other places is much less than where i am. Time will tell for sure. It always does...

i am not keen on moving as i have many loved ones here, or within an hour's drive. i could get another degree. i have options for sure.

It's the down days, with the beating sun and the drawn shades, keeping the outside out and the inside in...the days where the tears finally grab hold and the tissues are everywhere. It's the days where one pm could be 10 am or 730pm and none would know, for i remain alone, always alone. My friends are few and far between. My heart landed on the curb and i keep waiting for someone to pick it up and hand it back, though i know better. It was stolen and now it doesn't fit in my chest anymore. So whenever i breathe the sound is like an empty drum for the beat does not even echo. The hurt is like a neon glow in the dark super ball that just bounces from surface to surface, so i can't quite steady it, or myself. It's still light outside. My watch never made it to my wrist. And luck flew like a hummingbird, out of sight. And the man i love...cannot love me. So i sit and pretend that once upon time i was happy and once upon a time i will be, again.

zamarra 

7/14/24

What to do when tears flow

And nothing is a go...

How do i stop without poking

My eyes out...and flailing about;

Sadness is my crown and shadow.

The frown in my eyes does not lie.

Happiness grew wings and flew

Telling me this angst is too true

And there is nothing left to do.

So before it is too late, let me try

And change my fate but wait:

Time took all my tools with age

And now i am just a silly old lady

Wondering when the reaper

Will come and slay the pain.

zamarra

7/14/24

So i first learned of BDSM April fool's day, 2014. And it is 10 years later....and 3 owners later and again, i am unowned and in an ideal world, seek a Master.

But ideal is just that, ideal, not real.

i was released tho He wanted to keep me and i love Him dearly yet want All of Him, and He has a primary. So...

Here i am, among many other venues, searching again. 

One man been talking to faced timed me tonight and after a month was hoping for phone sex.

i am no prude, and happily disrobe to scene.  Yet for me it's all about the connection. Sex is easy and many seem to forget and not know the mind is the biggest sex organ. 

Anyway, a slave without a Master is not really a slave, in my opinion....kinda like a Master needs property...

Ah well, i will keep on keeping on...everything takes time. i like power exchange. But even more i respect integrity and One who can act with intention and discipline in all things.

Also a sense of humor goes a long way!