The last two weeks have been a whirlwind. I started talking to someone and their partner. We went out to dinner. I got to know the Dom better and then he asks if I'd like to be their girlfriend and sub in training. I explained that I'm looking for something serious. I'm inexperienced and there is a lot I'm looking to learn.
He said perfect! I'd love to teach you. I then started talking with his partner and getting to know her better. Very quickly we became best friends. We shared books about poly and throuples and even just fantasy. We went to a play party and she held my hand whenever I felt nervous or out of place.
The Dom then started distancing himself from both of us due to some personal issues that he was dealing with. His partner broke down in panic mode. I raced over to her house and I held her as she cried and shaved. I stayed with her for 4 hours. She said some of her trauma and I shared mine.
I wasn't that nervous because she was amazing and I trusted her. I told her I haven't built that trust with her partner yet. That night her and her partner go to a concert and afterwards she talks about how we were both feeling a little bit abandoned and she explains some of my trauma to him. No details just the overview and how it might affect some kinky play and the relationship.
She told me they talked that night and she would go over with it with me the next day (at the time I had no idea what they talked about). So the next day she had to go help her parents out and she said she would text me when she got there. Eventually she said sorry she made it. At this point my stomach is twisting in knots. I'm so anxious I'm going to throw up.
She then explained what they talked about and how with my trauma they didn't feel comfortable having me with them. They didn't want to break me or cause more emotional issues. The Dom felt like he couldn't be himself in fear of doing so. I broke down. I was starting to feel safe and able to share my feelings, thoughts and then trauma and it came back to bite me in the ass.
I feel cheated that I didn't get a fair shot. That I didn't get a chance to prove myself. To have the negotiations in place for me to feel safe and gradually grow. I feel shame and angry about my trauma. I feel betrayed that they didn't both talk to me. The Dom hasn't messaged me in two days. I feel hurt that she turned on me and used my trauma against me.
These people are very prominent in the kink community. Everyone knows them. Everyone loves them. And they are great people. But because of my shame and feeling of brokenness. I will be taking an indefinite break from the kinky life/dating in general and go back into therapy. I will never ever ever have someone use my mental health against me ever again.
