Learning the Submissive Life

The last two weeks have been a whirlwind. I started talking to someone and their partner. We went out to dinner. I got to know the Dom better and then he asks if I'd like to be their girlfriend and sub in training. I explained that I'm looking for something serious. I'm inexperienced and there is a lot I'm looking to learn. 

He said perfect! I'd love to teach you. I then started talking with his partner and getting to know her better. Very quickly we became best friends. We shared books about poly and throuples and even just fantasy. We went to a play party and she held my hand whenever I felt nervous or out of place. 

The Dom then started distancing himself from both of us due to some personal issues that he was dealing with. His partner broke down in panic mode. I raced over to her house and I held her as she cried and shaved. I stayed with her for 4 hours. She said some of her trauma and I shared mine. 

I wasn't that nervous because she was amazing and I trusted her. I told her I haven't built that trust with her partner yet. That night her and her partner go to a concert and afterwards she talks about how we were both feeling a little bit abandoned and she explains some of my trauma to him. No details just the overview and how it might affect some kinky play and the relationship. 

She told me they talked that night and she would go over with it with me the next day (at the time I had no idea what they talked about). So the next day she had to go help her parents out and she said she would text me when she got there. Eventually she said sorry she made it. At this point my stomach is twisting in knots. I'm so anxious I'm going to throw up. 

She then explained what they talked about and how with my trauma they didn't feel comfortable having me with them. They didn't want to break me or cause more emotional issues. The Dom felt like he couldn't be himself in fear of doing so. I broke down. I was starting to feel safe and able to share my feelings, thoughts and then trauma and it came back to bite me in the ass. 

I feel cheated that I didn't get a fair shot. That I didn't get a chance to prove myself. To have the negotiations in place for me to feel safe and gradually grow. I feel shame and angry about my trauma. I feel betrayed that they didn't both talk to me. The Dom hasn't messaged me in two days. I feel hurt that she turned on me and used my trauma against me. 

These people are very prominent in the kink community. Everyone knows them. Everyone loves them. And they are great people. But because of my shame and feeling of brokenness. I will be taking an indefinite break from the kinky life/dating in general and go back into therapy. I will never ever ever have someone use my mental health against me ever again.

Wow it's been a hot second since I've posted but life has been happening. Some good, some not so good and right now I'm in an emotional tornado so I wrote a small poem. 

Standing on the outside looking in 

Pretty smiles and blushing cheeks

Never quite fitting in

How beautiful it all looks 

My soul aches 

But always second place 

Standing on the outside looking in

I am a strong believer in this. Not everyone will be perfect but some things you just know you deserve better. 

Example: I like older guys (30s, early 40s) because they supposedly have their life together. They are secure in their life and they have preceived confidence and experience that I can follow. When I tell you that the two 40 years olds that I talked to were flaky....

One lives in the same city as me, doesn't do anything at night and generally has the weekend mornings open but every time I suggest dinner or coffee the answer was oh we should do that. Over and over. He would never commit to a day or do anything spontaneously. I gave him 2 weeks and was decided my energy was better focused elsewhere.

A little while later another 40 year old messaged me saying we were going to the same event. I was excited as I didn't know the other people that were going. We chatted all day but when it came to the event he said his other friends bailed and he was thinking about not going. I told him we could still hang but he said if I couldn't guarantee that we would be able to play at the event he probably wouldn't go. I wasn't comfortable making guarantees for someone I hadn't met and just started talking to, so he didn't come. He kept trying to message me and I told him that I don't have time for non dependable people. 

A week later a 25 year old messaged me and immediately said let's meet at this day and time, I'm excited to meet you after talking for a bit. 

Examples that it doesn't matter their age. If they won't, someone else will. We don't settle in 2024. 

It's valentines day! There are many times where it didn't cross my mind until someone wished me a happy valentines day or someone asked what I was up to tonight. I very excitedly told them that I'm going to be in my pj's, eating ice cream, and maybe watching a rom com.

I am not a flower kinda girl so I am so excited that I don't have to worry about anyone trying to be cute and nice by buying me flowers or chocolates or having a fancy date. 

I am a little bummed that I do not get to serve anyone, no cock to suck, no body to cover in whip cream, or have a cuddle buddy, someone to laugh and enjoy life with, no one to please. 

I'm thinking this is okay though. I won't have many single valentine days left (hopefully) and I should celebrate the here and now. Cuddling with my cat, happy to be here, ice cream just feet away. 

I can't believe it was only 6 months ago that I was on here. It feels like a lifetime ago. Friends have come and gone, experiences were had, good and bad, and life definitely likes to challenge people. 

I've had more online play Doms where I tried different ways of discovering myself. I also lost those relationships but it was for the best. 

I went to a dungeon!!! And I played and got a membership!!! This is something I'm really looking forward to in 2024. 

I have gotten better at drawing my boundaries and sticking with them. I waiver sometimes but I'm doing better than I was before. 

I'm even better at communicating my needs and emotions. 

I'm also being more guarded. Aware of who I'm spending my time on and thriving on the if he won't some else will. No more begging people to hang out with me, or feel defeated when they don't follow through. Actions are going to speak louder than words this year. 

This year I'm not in a rush. I'm taking it day by day and focusing on what I can control. Instead of trying to control my life and every aspect, I'm going to lay back and let life guide me.

Today I had a date with a potential dom and my anxiety and ptsd was flaring up. He wasn't quite sure what to do and I didn't know how to calm down. We got ice cream and we sat and laughed. He's a great guy! Then we went to a park and we played a little but again my anxiety flared so we went back to my car and we chatted about what was going on.

I told him that I didn't know what to do to please him so I needed guidance. Tell me what to do, when and how to do it. And he acknowledged that he never had to do that but he'd learn. It was a great conversation about what he needed and I needed in that space. From there I discovered that I wouldn't be a good match for him. What he needed wasn't something I could give because of my trauma and things I still needed to work through. And I told him so. I apologized for being jittery and freaking out and he was so kind about the whole thing. 

I got home and I felt like a failure, broken because of how my trauma affected that moment and that potential relationship. It also allowed me to have that difficult conversation and really clear up a lot of things. So while trauma won at affecting my decisions and actions. It also told me to slow down and process what was happening in the here and now.

I'm not sure what to write about anymore. This is the longest I have been single since I was 16 and I'm completely okay with that. I just feel like I am at a standstill. I don't do hook ups or things like that as I need a connection to feel comfortable around people. I haven't had a Dom in a while. I don't know what else I can learn and discover on my own. I have been to a few parties to watch and learn but I dont feel comfortable to go up and ask for a session. I want to continue learning. 

I have done a lot online but I'm looking for more in person experiences now. There are lots of groups in the surrounding areas that have munches or parties but they are more sex parties. I want BDSM parties. I want to test my limits, try new things. I want someone around my age that has their life figured out, is confident, and knows how to say let's learn instead of no.

So the most frustrating part of where I am at is standing still. Not learning, not exploring. Just standing. 

I was told to update my blog by a friend I met on here. I wasn't aware that he was aware of this blog but whatever. I do want to update it. Recently I've noticed how much I have grown. 

Since I have joined the kink life I have become more confident about my body. I wore something I never would've imagined going out in but I was excited, confident, and encouraged. So many girls gave me compliments and said how amazing I looked. Before I joined the kink life I never orgasmed. I didn't even touch myself. I was too worried about doing it wrong or embarrassing myself even though I was alone. Now I'm excited to try new toys, to learn my body, to discover what feels good. I can now orgam 6 times in a row. There are still difficulties where I get stuck in my head but I'm getting better at getting past that. Since I've joined the kink life I have traveled to new places, met new people, and as an introvert thats the most amazing thing I could've done. I went to a party, I went to munches, I went to a bdsm club. Every memory I have of the kink life, every person I have met has been amazing and I have learned something from every one of them. I am more confident about who I am as a person. This is the most at peace I've been with myself. I'm excited to continue learning and growing and trying new things. And I don't like change. 

I've learned to stop caring what others think and to do what makes me happy. I've gotten piercings, sterilized, I'm more confident about being alone and just appreciating where I'm at and where I'm going. Because of the kink life I'm no longer terrified of sex. I no longer care if a guy sees me as attractive or hideous because I know I'm hot stuff and I have the personality to match. I will no longer dim myself so others can feel better about themselves. I will no longer beg people to be in my life. I will not keep toxic people in my life. I'm living for me. I'm discovering me...one toy, kink, friend at a time. 

My list of toys keep growing and I hope it never stops! 

Today my vegan flogger and crop arrived! Been wanting a flogger forever but couldn't find a vegan one! 

I have 2 vegan collars and leashes 

2 tails

2 plugs 

2 dildos 

2 wands 

2 vibrators 

2 clamps

1 bundle of rope 

1 pair of comfy hand cuffs 

1 pair of leg cuffs 

1 pair of vampire gloves

1 anal training kit 

1 paddle 

My wish list: 

E-stim everything 

Blindfold

Gag

Harness

Metal handcuffs 

Rabbit 

More tails! 

More collars and leashes 

Wax 

St. Andrew's cross

Spanking bench

What do you have and what is on your wish list?

I've started sending out kinky pickup lines because they make me laugh. 

Here are a few that I love: 

I’m on top of things. Would you like to be one of them?

I must be a beaver because I’m dying for your wood

If I was the judge, I’d sentence you to my bed

Do I have to sign for your package?

I have 206 bones in my body. Want to give me another one?

New finds: 

Are you a pirate? I have a booty you might want to uncover.

Wanna help me get on Santa's naughty list this year? 

My nickname is dishes, because I want you to get me wet then do me

I’m an archaeologist, and you’ve got a large bone I need to examine.

I'll add more as I find them. Do you have any favorite kinky pickup lines?