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Learning the Submissive Life

This is my journey on learning to be a good submissive girl. My feelings, thoughts, and everything in between.
4 weeks ago. February 29, 2024 at 4:50 PM

I am a strong believer in this. Not everyone will be perfect but some things you just know you deserve better. 

Example: I like older guys (30s, early 40s) because they supposedly have their life together. They are secure in their life and they have preceived confidence and experience that I can follow. When I tell you that the two 40 years olds that I talked to were flaky....

One lives in the same city as me, doesn't do anything at night and generally has the weekend mornings open but every time I suggest dinner or coffee the answer was oh we should do that. Over and over. He would never commit to a day or do anything spontaneously. I gave him 2 weeks and was decided my energy was better focused elsewhere.

 

A little while later another 40 year old messaged me saying we were going to the same event. I was excited as I didn't know the other people that were going. We chatted all day but when it came to the event he said his other friends bailed and he was thinking about not going. I told him we could still hang but he said if I couldn't guarantee that we would be able to play at the event he probably wouldn't go. I wasn't comfortable making guarantees for someone I hadn't met and just started talking to, so he didn't come. He kept trying to message me and I told him that I don't have time for non dependable people. 

 

A week later a 25 year old messaged me and immediately said let's meet at this day and time, I'm excited to meet you after talking for a bit. 

 

Examples that it doesn't matter their age. If they won't, someone else will. We don't settle in 2024. 

1 month ago. February 14, 2024 at 11:34 PM

It's valentines day! There are many times where it didn't cross my mind until someone wished me a happy valentines day or someone asked what I was up to tonight. I very excitedly told them that I'm going to be in my pj's, eating ice cream, and maybe watching a rom com.

I am not a flower kinda girl so I am so excited that I don't have to worry about anyone trying to be cute and nice by buying me flowers or chocolates or having a fancy date. 

I am a little bummed that I do not get to serve anyone, no cock to suck, no body to cover in whip cream, or have a cuddle buddy, someone to laugh and enjoy life with, no one to please. 

I'm thinking this is okay though. I won't have many single valentine days left (hopefully) and I should celebrate the here and now. Cuddling with my cat, happy to be here, ice cream just feet away. 

1 month ago. February 13, 2024 at 4:02 AM

I can't believe it was only 6 months ago that I was on here. It feels like a lifetime ago. Friends have come and gone, experiences were had, good and bad, and life definitely likes to challenge people. 

I've had more online play Doms where I tried different ways of discovering myself. I also lost those relationships but it was for the best. 

I went to a dungeon!!! And I played and got a membership!!! This is something I'm really looking forward to in 2024. 

I have gotten better at drawing my boundaries and sticking with them. I waiver sometimes but I'm doing better than I was before. 

I'm even better at communicating my needs and emotions. 

I'm also being more guarded. Aware of who I'm spending my time on and thriving on the if he won't some else will. No more begging people to hang out with me, or feel defeated when they don't follow through. Actions are going to speak louder than words this year. 

This year I'm not in a rush. I'm taking it day by day and focusing on what I can control. Instead of trying to control my life and every aspect, I'm going to lay back and let life guide me.

7 months ago. August 7, 2023 at 12:22 AM

Today I had a date with a potential dom and my anxiety and ptsd was flaring up. He wasn't quite sure what to do and I didn't know how to calm down. We got ice cream and we sat and laughed. He's a great guy! Then we went to a park and we played a little but again my anxiety flared so we went back to my car and we chatted about what was going on.

 

I told him that I didn't know what to do to please him so I needed guidance. Tell me what to do, when and how to do it. And he acknowledged that he never had to do that but he'd learn. It was a great conversation about what he needed and I needed in that space. From there I discovered that I wouldn't be a good match for him. What he needed wasn't something I could give because of my trauma and things I still needed to work through. And I told him so. I apologized for being jittery and freaking out and he was so kind about the whole thing. 

 

I got home and I felt like a failure, broken because of how my trauma affected that moment and that potential relationship. It also allowed me to have that difficult conversation and really clear up a lot of things. So while trauma won at affecting my decisions and actions. It also told me to slow down and process what was happening in the here and now.

8 months ago. July 22, 2023 at 3:32 PM

I'm not sure what to write about anymore. This is the longest I have been single since I was 16 and I'm completely okay with that. I just feel like I am at a standstill. I don't do hook ups or things like that as I need a connection to feel comfortable around people. I haven't had a Dom in a while. I don't know what else I can learn and discover on my own. I have been to a few parties to watch and learn but I dont feel comfortable to go up and ask for a session. I want to continue learning. 

 

I have done a lot online but I'm looking for more in person experiences now. There are lots of groups in the surrounding areas that have munches or parties but they are more sex parties. I want BDSM parties. I want to test my limits, try new things. I want someone around my age that has their life figured out, is confident, and knows how to say let's learn instead of no.

 

So the most frustrating part of where I am at is standing still. Not learning, not exploring. Just standing. 

11 months ago. April 11, 2023 at 1:23 AM

I was told to update my blog by a friend I met on here. I wasn't aware that he was aware of this blog but whatever. I do want to update it. Recently I've noticed how much I have grown. 

 

Since I have joined the kink life I have become more confident about my body. I wore something I never would've imagined going out in but I was excited, confident, and encouraged. So many girls gave me compliments and said how amazing I looked. Before I joined the kink life I never orgasmed. I didn't even touch myself. I was too worried about doing it wrong or embarrassing myself even though I was alone. Now I'm excited to try new toys, to learn my body, to discover what feels good. I can now orgam 6 times in a row. There are still difficulties where I get stuck in my head but I'm getting better at getting past that. Since I've joined the kink life I have traveled to new places, met new people, and as an introvert thats the most amazing thing I could've done. I went to a party, I went to munches, I went to a bdsm club. Every memory I have of the kink life, every person I have met has been amazing and I have learned something from every one of them. I am more confident about who I am as a person. This is the most at peace I've been with myself. I'm excited to continue learning and growing and trying new things. And I don't like change. 

I've learned to stop caring what others think and to do what makes me happy. I've gotten piercings, sterilized, I'm more confident about being alone and just appreciating where I'm at and where I'm going. Because of the kink life I'm no longer terrified of sex. I no longer care if a guy sees me as attractive or hideous because I know I'm hot stuff and I have the personality to match. I will no longer dim myself so others can feel better about themselves. I will no longer beg people to be in my life. I will not keep toxic people in my life. I'm living for me. I'm discovering me...one toy, kink, friend at a time. 

1 year ago. January 19, 2023 at 9:51 PM

My list of toys keep growing and I hope it never stops! 

 

Today my vegan flogger and crop arrived! Been wanting a flogger forever but couldn't find a vegan one! 

I have 2 vegan collars and leashes 

2 tails

2 plugs 

2 dildos 

2 wands 

2 vibrators 

2 clamps

1 bundle of rope 

1 pair of comfy hand cuffs 

1 pair of leg cuffs 

1 pair of vampire gloves

1 anal training kit 

1 paddle 

 

My wish list: 

 

E-stim everything 

Blindfold

Gag

Harness

Metal handcuffs 

Rabbit 

More tails! 

More collars and leashes 

Wax 

St. Andrew's cross

Spanking bench

 

What do you have and what is on your wish list?

1 year ago. November 2, 2022 at 7:07 PM

I've started sending out kinky pickup lines because they make me laugh. 

 

Here are a few that I love: 

 

I’m on top of things. Would you like to be one of them?

I must be a beaver because I’m dying for your wood

If I was the judge, I’d sentence you to my bed

Do I have to sign for your package?

I have 206 bones in my body. Want to give me another one?

 

New finds: 

 

Are you a pirate? I have a booty you might want to uncover.

Wanna help me get on Santa's naughty list this year? 

My nickname is dishes, because I want you to get me wet then do me

I’m an archaeologist, and you’ve got a large bone I need to examine.

 

I'll add more as I find them. Do you have any favorite kinky pickup lines?

1 year ago. October 30, 2022 at 1:16 AM

I love reading. It helps me put words to feelings I never understood before. A book I really resonated with this weekend is called "There is no Devil". Below are the quotes I highlighted: 

 

"I want you obsessed with me, bound to me, dependent on me. I want you to live for me, not just with me.”

I always told myself I was strong and independent, that I could take care of myself.

“What does it feel like?”“It feels like I’ll do anything for you. Jump off a bridge for you, turn myself inside out for you. It feels like madness, and I never want it to end.” Cole considers this, his dark eyes roaming over my face. “Then I must be in love,” he says. “Because that’s what I feel, too.”

I’ve never enjoyed compliments as much as Cole’s. Men have always told me I was pretty, but that’s the blandest of tributes. It says nothing about me as a person.

 

 

There are so many things that I could say about these quotes...just reading them again makes my heart ache and tears well up. I want these things. I feel these things. And some of these books bring up a good point about what is healthy? If I told my therapist that I would want to be completely consumed by someone. I'd want them to pick out my food, my clothes, not because they want to control me but because it makes them happy that I'd submit to them. To look at me and be happy that I'm gave into them...she might say that that isn't healthy. I want to live for someone. I want them to be my reason for breathing. I want to that love, that connection to drown me. That can't be healthy but i don't seem to care. 

1 year ago. October 18, 2022 at 10:30 PM

This one is rough...I found someone on Tinder who has experience in the lifestyle. We got along great. We were planning on meeting and then my BPD kicked in. I started to like him which means I got nervous. I'm not enough. He doesn't like me anymore. He just talks to me when he's bored. Of course I brought these up with him and he was kind enough to correct my thoughts but my BPD needed more reassurance. His response times became longer. Further and further apart. I stopped checking my phone waiting for a response and I knew I became too much. I worried too much, my fear of abandonment showed its ugly head. I tested him to see if he would leave. He did. We only talked for a week but I got attached. My heart hurts. He seemed like everything I wanted and I scared him away. I just need to take a minute to regroup and learn.