I remembered all these years that I endeavoured to get to know myself better, one thing comes particularly prominent. It is when my trusting of things or people laid to waste, I don’t just feel the pain of losing that thing or person, I also suffer the loss of a piece of ‘myself’ and the security of the piece that it provided. As time passed, I battled with losing more and more of ‘myself’ and yet I am still trying very hard not to lose my core self and craving for the redemption of the irredeemable, the faith of myself, my true self, to whom I know is both an angel (really? Lol) and a demon.
I signed up for Thecage / Fet a year ago with absolutely no expectations (This is probably a lie as I probably wouldn’t have signed up If I don’t have a little hope). I know my demons. But I also know I never wanted to settle for less. I know some essences have been missing in my life and I will need to find this very piece of puzzle to make my life a whole, and that is, to find a Dom that can reach all the way to my soul (not just my holes Lol), to the degree I know I can spend the rest of my life being his slave, body, mind and soul.
And I think, I have found him.
I am not being overdramatic. I know it is HIM right from the third message he sent me, and “Tenderness underpinned with cruelty”? Who would have written something exquisite like this? It set my pulse racing and I am immediately hooked. To get to know this person and be part of his world has been my ultimate desire since. We met two days later, and since then we became inseparable, and today marks our three months journey together. Countless moments and unforgettable memories exploded in my life, like many little nuclear bombs. So many tears and joys of pain, sufferings, tortures, happiness, love, and being in love. That said “If tears of love, joy, and ecstasy have not washed your cheeks, you have yet to taste life – Sadhguru” I know I am finally living my life, as I am entitled, as Sir’s slave.
Suffering to me, is far more powerfully shaped by what’s in my soul than by what’s in my body or even in my mind. I mean it’s all real, the sufferings. How could it not be real when the whip marks or breast torture bruises stayed on our body for days. But all the harsh sufferings that I experienced were shaped by my desires, cravings and deep fears, something Sir gets from day one we met, it’s like he is the real me, my true self and I finally meet my true self through him, through the sufferings he put me through, and the more I suffered, the more I meet my true self. This is highly addicted, and this is what makes our vanilla and D/S relationship lasts.
Three months, only three months, but it’s like three years, thirty years to me, like what my Sir said today, it is hard to believe all that has happened, and all that is still to come. You have made my life so much better, and you have made me a better person, to which I am eternally grateful.
Love xx