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Longer-Term D/s Considerations

Things unseen often affect relationships. This is a (perhaps infrequent) chance to look at some of them through the lens of a decade or more of online experiences with a variety of submissive partners.
3 weeks ago. January 14, 2023 at 2:14 AM

The Cage, and I suppose to a little lesser extent Fet,  seem almost over-stuffed with submissives suffering from broken parts and hearts.

How can there be so many cretins masquerading as Dominants, inflicting emotional hurts far beyond the physical markings?


Do most other Doms find themselves doing triage on broken wings and other sufferings inflicted on a prospective sub?  Makes me ashamed of my kindred "Doms"  sometimes.

The anonymity  of the internet, and that there is no place in The Cage to build a list of the worst of the worst,  makes damage control seem nigh impossible.

So, my fellow Doms, let us continue  befriending those who have been wounded in one way or another but are bravely still seeking.  They are the strong ones who will overcome!  They deserve our best efforts to help make them whole again...

No wonder so many Sub profiles carry lectures on how a Dom needs to approach them- they have been treated badly so often.

Still breaks my heart to hear of how badly some "Doms" treat women just because they feel they can abuse anyone who is submissive.

End of rant!


2 months ago. December 4, 2022 at 1:29 AM

Isn't it so easy to focus on the purely sexual between Dom and Sub?  That is true in person and even on line.


So often that misses what is essential to many/most/ almost all? subs:  exercising control.  Us Doms do well to frequently draw back a bit rom purely sexual actions and demands so we can get back to the basics of D/s, which is some form or other of Total Power Exchange.

That is, after all, the central craving of a submissive as opposed to a vanilla.  To feel the Dominant take control of her mind, setting it free to simply obey and FEEL, rather than be fretting about "doing it right" or "Am I pleasing him?"   

This doesn't take a raised voice, or implied threats, or abuse.  It just involves knowing what we require of our sub, and  calmly, consistently making it clear.

It is what she craves.

4 months ago. September 25, 2022 at 9:35 PM

How often do I read a profile which says she (I generally only look at female profiles)  wants or requires a LOCAL in person Dom.  So I go to check where she is located.....ah, "United States" ??   Wonder how many more responses would come from at least pinning down local to a single state?

Then there is the infrequent occasion when it seems there might be a spark hiding there,  so I request only a real first name or nickname after a couple of messages, since I do not do well anonymously chatting.   "I value my privacy, so no first name! If you contact me again you'll be blocked!"   Really??  Is being one of at least hundreds of Debbys from Nebraska really going to blow her cover?  And how many potential great Doms does she blow off protecting that anonymity, anyway?

On the Dom side, we are often guilty of just using that one word label -- Dom-- but think about it.  A potential sub may want anything from a sadist to the mildest kind of DaddyDom.  Since we generally know which sort of Dom we are, and what sort of subbie we hope to find, why not make sure our profile shows that aspect of us?  Yeah, might get a few less inquiries, but those we get might be better-focused prospects.

What else?  Well, if your profile on either side of the slash is more than, say, a year old and is still not filled out with either text or pix,  that pretty clearly shows you don't care enough to want any responses, or you are clueless.

No, The Cage is not a "dating site", but still -- a lot of profiles, especially from newbies,  are hoping to connect.  They might do better with some attention to basic details...And No, my own is not that perfect, either.

Hope there is some food for thought here....


8 months ago. May 16, 2022 at 11:07 PM

First there comes this growing awareness that nothing new, or good, seems to be developing during one of those inevitable lulls between real partners, or even the potential of one appearing soon.

It is initially just a sigh, and then some disappointment.  Next come creeping in those doubts, little mind-nibbling creatures eating at our self-worth.

Maybe we think about shutting up shop for a while, taking a deep breath.. A sexier picture maybe?

"Never going to happen again" might creep whispering in, the damned little devil.

Then--SHAZAM !!

In the unlikeliest way, stumbling almost by accident  suddenly together.  You just know.  Everything feels right.  The sun is back in the sky.  Anticipation flows erotically through all the arteries... 

Of course the conventional wisdom is that one must proceed slowly, carefully, vetting and probing, picking at each other's emotional scabs, being prudently careful.

Sometimes, though, that is so not going to happen!  Your gut just knows.  And you both joyously dive right in.

So, sure, be safe in your selection.


Wishing all the seekers here that SHAZAM!  moment, soon!

1 year ago. November 2, 2021 at 12:28 PM

Recently I've had to come to grips with some sub family or physical issues which have crimped our activities.

First reaction is to throw up my hands and try to bully through--you know "What do you mean, you can't serve me now?" kind of reaction.

Then reality steps in (thankfully) and that need to wrap the sub carefully in my arms and provide as much nurturing support as possible kicks in.

It can be powerfully soothing to seek to be a positive enabler of the most basics of life--reducing pain, patience with the hard spots, giving support without judgment.  Accepting that life sometimes gets in the way and helping her deal with it can add new dimension, and strength, to our relationships.  So, perhaps, a silver lining to balance a little of the hardship...just being here for you.

1 year ago. October 13, 2021 at 9:00 PM

The few of you who read my occasional posts know I tend to try for informative rather than emotional.

But I need to take a different tack today, and sing the praises of pain-loving subs.

Women  submissives, past and present ( you know who you are), have enriched my life many times over with your love of strong sensations inventively delivered.  You have rewarded me many times over with your full throated appreciation.

Recently I wrote in praise of Joyful Noises--the kind of noises made by submissives who seek and need some pain mixed with their pleasuring of their Dom.

I have come to realize such women are central to my Dominance, and central to my pleasure.  If I have not told each of them, however far in the past, or now in the present, how important each has been to my satisfaction, I am trying to do so now.  God, you've fired me with your sobs, mewls, cries, gasps and screams..

Each of you is worth several of your silent sisters!

Finally, for those subs still struggling to remain silent to deliver ladylike orgasms -- let this be a wake-up call.

There, I said it and I am happier....




1 year ago. October 9, 2021 at 2:10 PM

Over years of learning to be an inventive Dom who enjoys common objects as BDSM toys, the lowly and innocent little bobby pin has become a "go-to" fave for me.  Not quite as much a blunt instrument as clothes pins. and easier to hide in public.

Sure, the obvious is to spread one open and pinch a nipple with it.  Big deal, right?

So, to spur your thinking, here are other ways I get to enjoy focusing a sub's attention with what I like to call "my biters".

  --Have my sub clip her nipples with the loop down, points up on her nipples, and then hang some nice blingy earrings from the loops -instant burlesque      tassels!  Such fun to watch the shaking.  It's a nice icebreaker for a new sub's first "proof picture" tasking.

  --Requiring a sub to "wear" two biters clipped to her lingerie every day, and directing just where they will be worn.  Top of bra straps are irritating, front        of the pantie waistband gets attention each time she sits. Clipping the backs of her pantie legs also demands attention each time she sits...You get          the idea. And if she forgets to have them someday, a fine excuse for some funishment.

  --Even just having her drop one in each cup as she starts her workday can be a nice reminder that she is cared for.

  --Has she been bad and needs a small correction?  Clipping one to the bottom of her nose between the breathers  for even five minutes might focus           her on doing better..

  -- How many can she attach to one nipple?  Can she make  "pinwheels" of five or six  equally spaced on each nipple for a show-off selfie?

   --Upping the ante,  for attention getting pain, clipping  several bobby pins to her tender inner upper arms, or inner thighs, or the outsides of her breasts can be an amazing distraction from working toward orgasm..

  --Orgasm denial play can be helped along quite painfully by gently afixing a bobby pin to her clit, or perhaps placing several matched pairs along her           puffy lips make a real impression...

Have I sparked a new appreciation for the lowly bobby pin "biters" for either online or in person play?  They're cheap, too --a couple of bucks for a full card of them at any drugstore..  Got any other uses you want to share?




1 year ago. September 29, 2021 at 8:29 PM

There's a Forum thread on Lingerie that got me thinking about what  other aspects of scenes/ sessions stand out to make them truly memorable...

For me, erotic noise often comes right up there with sensual lingerie in putting me over the top.

I am talking about several kinds of noise--those first quiet moans, the whimpering from being edged or teased,  the frantic "Don't Stop!" as orgasm approaches, and of course the mantra of "OhGodOhgodOhgod" or some other repeated mantra as she crests and shatters.

Other kinds of noises are created by bdsm play, particularly  all sorts of impact play where the sub tries to hold out, then ratchets up through stifled gasps, to full throated cries/cursed profanities and perhaps glorious full-throated screams. Pain sluts can be especially vocal when really pushed-marvelously so!

For me, all kinds of these unplanned noises are huge triggers.  

But then there are those who do everything in their power to remain as nearly mute as possible.  Discussions between scenes quite often reveals a common, and totally understandable reason for their struggle to remain silent--They were/are mothers and had/have children at home...So sex  over several lyears was mostly a furtive affair of "Don't wake the kids!"   Breaking that code of silence can sometimes take months.

What are your favorite trigger noises ?

I'll close by offering a belated word of appreciation to any past or present sub  for all the highly individual  noises, joyful and otherwise, brought to their scenes/session --Thank You!


1 year ago. September 12, 2021 at 12:19 PM

More than a few submissives enter The Cage because a vanilla Significant Other emotionally cannot, or simply will not, become the Dominant they have come to crave to satisfy suppressed needs.  Fair enough.

Finding a totally discreet trustworthy Dom who accepts the sub's entanglement is hard.  But in many cases an even harder situation can ensue. We'll take it as a given that in ways other than sexual and emotional satisfaction, the sub loves her (or his) SO and does not want to end it.  But the new and powerful D/s relationship can soon lead to a growing second love.  This duality can eat at the sub even as her raw craving to submit threatens to destabilize her primary committed relationship.

Understanding the danger, finding the way to balance these two loves in her life, can become her thicket of emotional thorns. 

A Dom who takes on an 'attached' sub would do well to be especially sensitive to her dilemma should he sense love developing out of his dominance.  Having a marriage, or any attachment, and then being overwhelmed with loving thoughts toward a Dominant entering her life can be an emotional tsunami for her.

With an attached sub, we might ought to tread cautiously around this potential relationship terminator. 

My own track record has not been as aware as it should have been.

3 years ago. January 20, 2020 at 2:34 AM

These columns are full of the griefs of submissives who are ghosted, spurned or otherwise trashed by uncaring Doms.  We all feel for their heartbreak,

Less often written about is when a Dom loses a sub.

I my case, these losses have seemed to mostly be about  the sub developing too  strong an emotional attachment.   No, this is not to toot my own horn-- any good D/s relationship develops strong emotional ties.  It seems, though, that  some subs are not quite prepared for the depth of that emotional attachment...Especially this might be true if the sub is otherwise married, and wanting a Dom on the side for unfulfilled desires.

 Perhaps I can be slammed for messing with married subs in the first place.  I grant that.  Still, it can come as a cruel blow for a Dom to devote his attention and his cherishing to bringing along a sub with issues needing his assistance, to feel they are making progress together, only to be faced with a tearful farewell...

Maybe there is no good answer except to avoid "in a monogamous relationship" subs in the first place.   Sigh.

Still, if you are a new sub, and in one of those monogamous relationships, you might give some careful thoughts to how you will be able to handle  falling into deep lust, or more,  when you bring yourself to the Cage..  Are you going to withdraw when emotional entanglements ensue?

Doms invest a lot of thought and energy into their subs...  Cutting and running because suddenly  your emotions are involved  can really ding the Dom you are spurning....

Just a thought.  Or a variation on the "He Done Me Wrong" theme so often expressed here....