Longer-Term D/s Considerations

Mentoring is one of those "out of the spotlight" things many better Doms almost automatically undertake.

There can be valuable rewards in helping a sub overcome old wounds, some deep and damaging still.  Other kinds of mentoring might involve encouraging or supporting new education or job training,  assisting with upward moves, setting and helping goals in weight loss or better exercising.  The list is endless.

What I am suggesting is that Dominance doesn't have to be purely sexual, or purely about "controlling"  your sub by being some aloof dictator.  It can be a much broader influence on her (or his) life.  Mentoring involves becoming more aware of  discomforts, old wounds, or deficiencies felt by your sub.  Once the Dom/Domme becomes aware of those things, the focus can shift to "How can I help?" mode.  This can be as little as encouraging and offering sympathetic support.  It might involve laying out protocols which bring some improvement to your sub's emotional or physical life.  Sometimes it might even involve financial assistance.   Yes, sometimes even tough love may be required.

The point here is just that Dominants can make a real difference in a sub's life beyond what's generally discussed within our Cage.. It only takes paying more attention, and wanting to widen our influence in making our sub's  life better than when our relationship began.

Feeling you've done that for the other in your D/s relationship can be most rewarding to  any Dom who gives it attention and effort....

Sometimes things can go off the rails between a Dom/Domme and sub.  Maybe the Dom screws it up. maybe the sub reads the signals wrong.

Or even worse, maybe limits got pushed or violated.

It is worse if trust got badly bruised or even broken.  When that happens, as with a broken bone, healing can be a long term and iffy thing....

We don't talk much about when something goes wrong between a D and an s.

But maybe we should.

All us humans make mistakes, even in the closest of relationships.  They can be anything from careless, to inadvertent,  to callous or deliberate.

The hard part is the attempts at putting Humpty Dumpty back together again!

Of course, the first step back is to acknowledge doing something wrong.  For some Doms of a more arrogant persuasion, this is almost unheard of. They just want to power past the problem, or shift the blame, or refuse to discuss it.

For some subs, it can feel like unacceptable groveling.

But a successful Regrouping almost always has to start with one or both freely admitting to a mistake.

Once a mistake is owned, it becomes much easier to take the next step, which almost always required one or more apologies.

This can get sticky if resentment makes accepting an apology too hard for the other party.

Once there has been apology, and it's been accepted,  the issue is still only part way to being resolved.

Why?

The offended injured party need both reassurances about not happening again, and more important needs to feel those reassurances are for real...

Now time to heal enters the regrouping.  If a D-type has ignored a limit, especially if the s-type feels frightened, injured or really angry,  it is going to take some time to feel some trust returning.  Way more important in our fetish world, where actual physical dangers are much more in the mix of where trust is critical than between vanilla partners...

Here's another pitfall -- The one in the wrong, who has gritted out an admission of wrong, made an abject apology, and give all those reassurances, is now feeling it should be all in the rear view mirror --pedal to the metal once again.

IF not enough time has passed for the wound to heal,  there's a fair chance they collide and go off the rails all over again !

In sort, nothing is going to be easy regrouping after some damaging mistake hits a relationship...

Some profilers don't include their age, or even hints in general.  Then there are those who specify very narrow ranges of preferred ages in a partner.

Does it matter?

Just in terms of kink play and scenes, probably not so much.  Sure, there are D-types who want some young hardbody, and there are subs who are turned on by on some steely gray on the temples, but generally hot arousing play in scenes can be had over most any age range.  As long as the power dynamic is crackling, any two (or more at times)  healthy partners can fully savor D/s or BDSM consensual play.

It is in the more vanilla parts of the connection that things can unravel fast.  Take music-- every generation is raised on sightly different vibes, and sometimes a two or more decade difference can make one partner's tunes the other's pure static.  The more in person and closer to 24-7 the relationship is, the harder to resolve such things.

This musing came to me today, on 9/11, after a news person pointed out that a significant percentage of us were either not born or too young to have any memory of that horrific day. For the rest of us, it is an apocalypse in our background we all share, like Pearl Harbor Day for our ancestors or older parents.  With too great an age spread, 9/11 for a younger partner is just something read about or a disaster clip. 

So, at least for this Cage elder, having ages posted in profiles is of value more for cultural or musical reasons than for any D/s potential reasons. 

Okay, if you are of a curious mind and are itching to ask -- I do prefer mature minds, and the wide variety of more mature bodies, despite what gravity and living may have done to alter them over time!

Nearly every online D/s player has faced this major issue of trust.  To send or not to send intimate pictures, or do intimate video chatting is the issue.

This is not a small concern, as the internet is overloaded with images of nude or nearly nude women who had no idea they would be spread across a public domain along with thousands and thousands of tits, pussies and asses of  unknowing or embarrassed wives, lovers, subbies .

So it is no wonder so many subs refuse or balk or have nightmares over sending intimate images.... Sending or posting your nude body takes even more trust than permitting completely restraining bondage.   That at least can be managed by having proof documents of your partner, like a driver's license, phone number, even a passport photo to insure you know who is tying you up in a scene.

But sending requested or required intimate pictures of your body?  Almost impossible to control what 'he' might do with them.  So a massive dose of trust is necessary before hitting send.

Yes, the Cage is awash in unscrupulous sharks and packs of hyenas hoping to score nude pics from naive newbie subs signing in for the first time.  Many a newbie has responded to their demands before realizing they shouldn't have  too quickly sent nudes.

So what can be done ?

  I'm no lawyer, but I suppose some form of non-disclosure agreement might be created before sending such images.  Cumbersome.

Closer to home here, perhaps the requesting Dom could be (respectfully of course) put on notice that  the Cage staff would be notified of any violation of trust. Maybe an on going forum topic could be created to address this issue and any potential solutions.  Even so, sometimes months or years go by before the offending images wind up in the public domain.

I'm just going to post this as an ongoing real issue, particularly for those doing online D/s.  Of course those doing in person are also vulnerable. Pretty hard to prevent revealing pictures being snapped when you are bound tight and maybe blindfolded.

At its heart, this is entirely a trust issue.  Without total trust in the partner asking (or demanding!) such pictures,  just feel that big red flag and make it a hard limit unless or until until that necessary trust is created.

Still, having said all that,  can't your subbie send your heart racing and your cock stiffening, even half way around the world,  by sharing the perfection of her body?  She's simply magical !  Like most other visual Doms, I cherish every such image ever gifted me; none ever has, or ever will  escape my safekeeping.  And that is as it should everywhere be.

I saw a trailer yesterday for a new movie called "Babygirl",  starring Nicole Kidman.

The trailer shows it  most likely as a 'D/s light' plot.

Not sure when it will be released, but I can only hope these people do a better job mining their plot lines than the badly botched 50 Shades crowd...

Anyway, another Hollywood attempt to make a buck off our fetish world.  We can only hope it does a better job.

Fingers crossed!!

...Until she makes up her mind to trust you enough to submit.  

This is one of the hardest things for a Dominant person.  The ups and downs, the probing questions, those 'almost readys' followed by the pulling backs. It would be so easy to just shrug and move on...

It is almost no wonder that so many sharks are here circling the newbies hoping for a quick and easy bite, or score, or a nude flash.

But any worth his salt Dom knows that kind of conquest is empty of the real emotional connection which develops over time with a hesitant sub.  The Dom learns about her history, the hard parts of her path.  And the successes, too.  She becomes a real person worthy of admiration well before the first in person meeting.  Yes, taking it slow can be excruciatingly frustrating.  Sometimes it comes to naught as well.  Sigh.

SO, if/when a meeting and a subsequent scene takes place?  Oh Hot Damn!  Everything is so much better with a subbie partner you feel you already know, respect and desire.  All the play becomes three dimensional.  All that taking it slow time is so much more rewarding by already having clues as to how to paint the most vivid sensations she craves on her body...Her responses, too, will be more vivid for the slow-built trust she brings, her confidence  in not being hurt or damaged... Awaiting the end of Taking It Slow !

Recently I've been reminded of how exciting it is to begin feeling a potential.  Will there be sparks? Will we meet and drift apart? Or dive into an incredibly rewarding D/s experience?  All those fascinating 'What Ifs' suddenly filling the fallow spaces of the mind.

The hard part is, of course, taking things slowly enough to intrigue, without being so slow as to create boredom or a turn off.  Her shyness is a major arousal, but the hesitations are an ongoing challenge.  The potential sub faces so many more potential risks and potentially dangerous pitfalls than in vanilla dating. It takes incredible bravery to be a sub.

I'm always in awe of how delicate a balance is required for a Dom and a sub to find each other, experiencing those first magic connections...Have you felt this kind of magic, too?

….is often to better understand her own kinks.

Such a fun challenge!   There are all these vague ideas if what might excite her, but then there is no experience to flesh out what she needs.

So, she’s a distant tease with potential exciters, or calmly explains what might arouse, or give tasks to bring firsthand new experiences?

For me, it has to be giving tasks.  As each is completed, perhaps the new subbie learns more about her own desires.

Sure, there’s every chance for misunderstanding, or crossed threads.  Often she simply leaves for someone cruder or in her face demanding.

Now and then, though,  a strong enough bond to survive a real life encounter or two happens.  THEN all the mentoring and chatting make sense, and provide a powerful mutual experience…..

THAT can make all the endless back and forth here so very worthwhile!  Even across oceans…

Don’t you agree?

The Cage, sometimes seems almost over-stuffed with new submissives suffering from broken parts  from wannabe Doms wanting first bites out of the new member.

How can there be so many cretins masquerading as Dominants, inflicting emotional hurts on our newbies?

We all know that The Cage is notorious for its pool of  sharks, ever circling for unaware newbies, hoping to pressure one into nude pictures or some other unwanted introduction to "being a good submissive".

Since the staff hasn't come up with an effective tool to clean house of these low-lifes,  perhaps more of us on both sides of the slash, might try reaching out when we see an unfamiliar new profile. 

A few simple sentences of welcome, and reminders that the SUB controls who she/he responds to, and sets the limits on what is acceptable, and that taking it slow might prevent emotional injury,  might be all that's needed to prevent those broken wings.  

Reaching out like that might even keep a few more newbies here, instead of them leaving the Cage to escape  from the shark pack!  

Comments welcome...

Thanks, TKP, for a thought provoking challenge.

My three (selfish) wishes:

--To return to age 29 and do it all over again, with more emphasis on serving and giving back to our society.

--To have found my Dominant self earlier in life, and to have enjoyed D/s with many more submissives for mutual enjoyment and growth.

--To erase about 10 of the hours existing between me and my Special Sub..

And for the world?

I'd wish that OUR government would cease getting enmeshed in nearly endless and pointless foreign conflicts,  as in Vietnam, Iran and Afghanistan.  We could seriously use the 200,000 or so military folks we've had killed or maimed in those three wars. My wish is that we lose no more of our citizenry that way...ever again.  I'd trade all three of my selfish wishes to have this wish come true!

If only we DID have those wishes.....  sigh!