Longer-Term D/s Considerations

...Until she makes up her mind to trust you enough to submit.  

This is one of the hardest things for a Dominant person.  The ups and downs, the probing questions, those 'almost readys' followed by the pulling backs. It would be so easy to just shrug and move on...

It is almost no wonder that so many sharks are here circling the newbies hoping for a quick and easy bite, or score, or a nude flash.

But any worth his salt Dom knows that kind of conquest is empty of the real emotional connection which develops over time with a hesitant sub.  The Dom learns about her history, the hard parts of her path.  And the successes, too.  She becomes a real person worthy of admiration well before the first in person meeting.  Yes, taking it slow can be excruciatingly frustrating.  Sometimes it comes to naught as well.  Sigh.

SO, if/when a meeting and a subsequent scene takes place?  Oh Hot Damn!  Everything is so much better with a subbie partner you feel you already know, respect and desire.  All the play becomes three dimensional.  All that taking it slow time is so much more rewarding by already having clues as to how to paint the most vivid sensations she craves on her body...Her responses, too, will be more vivid for the slow-built trust she brings, her confidence  in not being hurt or damaged... Awaiting the end of Taking It Slow !

Recently I've been reminded of how exciting it is to begin feeling a potential.  Will there be sparks? Will we meet and drift apart? Or dive into an incredibly rewarding D/s experience?  All those fascinating 'What Ifs' suddenly filling the fallow spaces of the mind.

The hard part is, of course, taking things slowly enough to intrigue, without being so slow as to create boredom or a turn off.  Her shyness is a major arousal, but the hesitations are an ongoing challenge.  The potential sub faces so many more potential risks and potentially dangerous pitfalls than in vanilla dating. It takes incredible bravery to be a sub.

I'm always in awe of how delicate a balance is required for a Dom and a sub to find each other, experiencing those first magic connections...Have you felt this kind of magic, too?

….is often to better understand her own kinks.

Such a fun challenge!   There are all these vague ideas if what might excite her, but then there is no experience to flesh out what she needs.

So, she’s a distant tease with potential exciters, or calmly explains what might arouse, or give tasks to bring firsthand new experiences?

For me, it has to be giving tasks.  As each is completed, perhaps the new subbie learns more about her own desires.

Sure, there’s every chance for misunderstanding, or crossed threads.  Often she simply leaves for someone cruder or in her face demanding.

Now and then, though,  a strong enough bond to survive a real life encounter or two happens.  THEN all the mentoring and chatting make sense, and provide a powerful mutual experience…..

THAT can make all the endless back and forth here so very worthwhile!  Even across oceans…

Don’t you agree?

The Cage, sometimes seems almost over-stuffed with new submissives suffering from broken parts  from wannabe Doms wanting first bites out of the new member.

How can there be so many cretins masquerading as Dominants, inflicting emotional hurts on our newbies?

We all know that The Cage is notorious for its pool of  sharks, ever circling for unaware newbies, hoping to pressure one into nude pictures or some other unwanted introduction to "being a good submissive".

Since the staff hasn't come up with an effective tool to clean house of these low-lifes,  perhaps more of us on both sides of the slash, might try reaching out when we see an unfamiliar new profile. 

A few simple sentences of welcome, and reminders that the SUB controls who she/he responds to, and sets the limits on what is acceptable, and that taking it slow might prevent emotional injury,  might be all that's needed to prevent those broken wings.  

Reaching out like that might even keep a few more newbies here, instead of them leaving the Cage to escape  from the shark pack!  

Comments welcome...

Thanks, TKP, for a thought provoking challenge.

My three (selfish) wishes:

--To return to age 29 and do it all over again, with more emphasis on serving and giving back to our society.

--To have found my Dominant self earlier in life, and to have enjoyed D/s with many more submissives for mutual enjoyment and growth.

--To erase about 10 of the hours existing between me and my Special Sub..

And for the world?

I'd wish that OUR government would cease getting enmeshed in nearly endless and pointless foreign conflicts,  as in Vietnam, Iran and Afghanistan.  We could seriously use the 200,000 or so military folks we've had killed or maimed in those three wars. My wish is that we lose no more of our citizenry that way...ever again.  I'd trade all three of my selfish wishes to have this wish come true!

If only we DID have those wishes.....  sigh!

In those bdsm tests, "rope bunny" often shows up near the top,  yet a surprising number of subs seem not to actually have experienced being bound in rope.

Maybe that's partly because of  a shortage of experienced riggers, maybe partly because rope work takes more time and effort than some Doms are willing to expend.

Still,  mastering even a few basic rope restraints can do wonders for your sub, and maybe for your dynamic if it is getting too routine.

Why?

Consider that a good bit of D/s is symbolic.  Your sub allows being cuffed as a physical statement of her  (or his) wanting to pass control in a power exchange. She isn't just saying she gives her Dom control--she actually does, by accepting and being bound by restraints.

Now comes rope. 

Here it isn't just wrists and ankles being restrained -- it can be the entire body.  Yes, it takes time, but it might surprise how a sub can crave that slow build as each wrap, each knot, further and further limits ALL her mobility.   And the feeling of ropework being done to her--the intimacy of her rigger touching, adjusting, considering, all the while the sub feels more and more an object being used for his (and her) pleasure.

Ropework scares off some Doms because of its perceived artistic complexity.  What is "shibari" anyway?  All that Japanese fussiness.  And then there's suspension ropework, adding dangers of potential injury to the mix, if not done expertly.  So, for many Doms: No Thanks.

And that's a shame.

Talk to your sub. It might surprise how eager and curious she might be to experience some rope restraints.  I am certainly only a rank amateur with rope, but I can make a rope thong, or a rope bra,  or immovable rope wrist restraints, each of which my sub craves, and loves, sepecially if the rope is red and made of cotton...

Yours might be equally enthusiastic.

Many are 'seeking' here, though the odds of an actual in person connection for a first D/s scene often seem remote.

So let us assume you as a sub have connected online, found no obvious red flags, and feel you are nearly ready for your first actual "scene"  of play with this in-person Dominant stranger.

Of course there are the obvious and often discussed safety issues.  First among these is making sure your Dom/Domme knows he or she has been identified in real life.  Pictures of a current driver license often work here, or being shown quickly their latest utility bill with address, date, account number, etc.  The "quickly" can prevent any artful false substitutions).

Next is leaving an identity trail with a trusted friend for where and when you will be meeting this Dom/Domme. Can be in a sealed envelope with an instruction to open if you are not in contact by x date or time.  Failure to contact your safe person by the x ought to begin a search or contact with authorities. You need not go into details about what you expect to be doing, just that you want a backup in case...

I'll assume you feel sufficient trust has been developed to want to take this risky jump into real life.

But safety items are not my focus here.  As I contemplate my own next first meeting for a scene, I realize there are other essential  things which should be on any first meeting check list : 

* Agreed on safe word(s) ?

*Clearly discussed limits, no just relied on a profile pro-forma set of limits, but more complete explanations, including some whys and shadings?

*Gotten comfortable with a general idea of what to expect in the scene, not just what time to arrive and what to be wearing?

*If penetrative sex is likely to be involved, are you comfortable with any needed proofs ?

*Beyond limits, have you given the Dom/Domme a clear idea of what YOU hope to be included, or avoided?  For example, have you indicated what you feel about being demeaned, or what you hope to be called, or not called?  

*Have you been given a clear protocol for your arrival?  Should you "Present" in a certain way,  or maybe be silent until told to speak?  Having an idea of what is expected of you in the first few tense minutes can go away to increasing your confidence.

*Does either of you have time constraints that will impact your scene?   Not good if you need to leave by a certain time and your D type expects to take their sweet time to savor what they are doing  (or vice versa!).

* Have you understood Toys/dress/cosmetics, etc.?  Does he expect you heavily mascared because he likes seeing it run with tears?  Do you know if you are required to bring a favorite toy or two? You ought to know what to wear when you arrive, but do you know if you need to bring lingerie items, etc., as well?

                                                                       *********************

So, I hope these suggest some thoughts beyond just being safe for a first meeting, things that may improve your overall experience in your first in-person scene, which I hope will be a memorable high point on your journey!

For those of you with several first experiences, I hope you will feel free to add your thoughts on things I am sure to have missed...

Rick

(I write from a male Dom perspective, but of course the pronouns can be reversed.)

Can there be anything as downright heart thumping for a submissive at her first time approaching the door behind which she knows her new Dom awaits?

Yes, they have texted, talked, phoned, and vetted.  He SHOULD be near perfect,  or acceptable, at least be causing no harm.  But who can really be certain?

Does he know his stuff, or is he another wannabe?  Is he a secret sadist, or will he ignore agreed limits?  Will I be safe or will he hurt me in some way?  Has my slowly developed trust been misplaced?  Can I feel safe with him when I am restrained, helpless?  In short, is he one of the good guys I hope he is?

Despite your very best efforts,  there are no absolute guarantees when finally facing that door between you and HIM.

There is nothing quite like it in the easy vanilla dating world.  So, when that door opens, and he turns out to be perfect for you, sensations over the moon, well--that's hard to match in the van world as well.

To those facing a first scene, or those facing a first scene with a new Dom,  here's my strongest hope  all those first meeting butterflies  disappear at his first touch, or even his first growl --that all the buildup, the vetting, the courage it took to get this far will all exceed your wildest hopes!

I did a quick count this morning of who was online at one point.

Dominant Males -- 40

Submissive Females --10.

There were also a handful of Submissive Males, and even fewer Dominant Females and some scattered other flavors.

What is my point?

Despite all the pitfalls and wannabes,  it might be better hunting here for a female sub if she can survive the onslaught ..

But then, with the large crowd of Dom males, is it any wonder that new submissive female members often get scared near to death by the number of hungry males pouncing on them from almost hour one of their profile posting??

Nothing scientific here.  Just saying that if as a sub you feel pressured by the amount of "interest" in your inbox, the imbalance here might have something to do with it... 

Happy blogging!

Most likely a part of every real Dominant are memories of sniffing out, then stalking, then ringing the prey in ever-smaller circles.

Until the capture!

When she first senses a stalker,  she faces those fight or flight instincts.  

She hesitates.

Then come the teases, seemingly innocuous.  

She is fascinated, intrigued.  Maybe this time, this Dom ? She lallows him to draw near.

Then-reluctance, even fear, kicks in. "No, I told myself I wouldn't again...!"

She draws back,  gathering her defenses, repairing her armor.

Safe!

But next, over time,  comes her imagination.  What did he growl he was going to do to and with her?  

Why does it sound so erotically arousing? Delicious even!

Every hour the images in her head become more vivid...

Is not her submissive imagination most subs'  downfall,

And every Dom's secret weapon on the hunt?

Praise be a lively erotic imagination!