Longer-Term D/s Considerations

First there comes this growing awareness that nothing new, or good, seems to be developing during one of those inevitable lulls between real partners, or even the potential of one appearing soon.

It is initially just a sigh, and then some disappointment.  Next come creeping in those doubts, little mind-nibbling creatures eating at our self-worth.

Maybe we think about shutting up shop for a while, taking a deep breath.. A sexier picture maybe?

"Never going to happen again" might creep whispering in, the damned little devil.

Then--SHAZAM !!

In the unlikeliest way, stumbling almost by accident  suddenly together.  You just know.  Everything feels right.  The sun is back in the sky.  Anticipation flows erotically through all the arteries... 

Of course the conventional wisdom is that one must proceed slowly, carefully, vetting and probing, picking at each other's emotional scabs, being prudently careful.

Sometimes, though, that is so not going to happen!  Your gut just knows.  And you both joyously dive right in.

So, sure, be safe in your selection.

Unless...!

Wishing all the seekers here that SHAZAM!  moment, soon!

Recently I've had to come to grips with some sub family or physical issues which have crimped our activities.

First reaction is to throw up my hands and try to bully through--you know "What do you mean, you can't serve me now?" kind of reaction.

Then reality steps in (thankfully) and that need to wrap the sub carefully in my arms and provide as much nurturing support as possible kicks in.

It can be powerfully soothing to seek to be a positive enabler of the most basics of life--reducing pain, patience with the hard spots, giving support without judgment.  Accepting that life sometimes gets in the way and helping her deal with it can add new dimension, and strength, to our relationships.  So, perhaps, a silver lining to balance a little of the hardship...just being here for you.

The few of you who read my occasional posts know I tend to try for informative rather than emotional.

But I need to take a different tack today, and sing the praises of pain-loving subs.

Women  submissives, past and present ( you know who you are), have enriched my life many times over with your love of strong sensations inventively delivered.  You have rewarded me many times over with your full throated appreciation.

Recently I wrote in praise of Joyful Noises--the kind of noises made by submissives who seek and need some pain mixed with their pleasuring of their Dom.

I have come to realize such women are central to my Dominance, and central to my pleasure.  If I have not told each of them, however far in the past, or now in the present, how important each has been to my satisfaction, I am trying to do so now.  God, you've fired me with your sobs, mewls, cries, gasps and screams..

Each of you is worth several of your silent sisters!

Finally, for those subs still struggling to remain silent to deliver ladylike orgasms -- let this be a wake-up call.

There, I said it and I am happier....

Rick

Over years of learning to be an inventive Dom who enjoys common objects as BDSM toys, the lowly and innocent little bobby pin has become a "go-to" fave for me.  Not quite as much a blunt instrument as clothes pins. and easier to hide in public.

Sure, the obvious is to spread one open and pinch a nipple with it.  Big deal, right?

So, to spur your thinking, here are other ways I get to enjoy focusing a sub's attention with what I like to call "my biters".

  --Have my sub clip her nipples with the loop down, points up on her nipples, and then hang some nice blingy earrings from the loops -instant burlesque      tassels!  Such fun to watch the shaking.  It's a nice icebreaker for a new sub's first "proof picture" tasking.

  --Requiring a sub to "wear" two biters clipped to her lingerie every day, and directing just where they will be worn.  Top of bra straps are irritating, front        of the pantie waistband gets attention each time she sits. Clipping the backs of her pantie legs also demands attention each time she sits...You get          the idea. And if she forgets to have them someday, a fine excuse for some funishment.

  --Even just having her drop one in each cup as she starts her workday can be a nice reminder that she is cared for.

  --Has she been bad and needs a small correction?  Clipping one to the bottom of her nose between the breathers  for even five minutes might focus           her on doing better..

  -- How many can she attach to one nipple?  Can she make  "pinwheels" of five or six  equally spaced on each nipple for a show-off selfie?

   --Upping the ante,  for attention getting pain, clipping  several bobby pins to her tender inner upper arms, or inner thighs, or the outsides of her breasts can be an amazing distraction from working toward orgasm..

  --Orgasm denial play can be helped along quite painfully by gently afixing a bobby pin to her clit, or perhaps placing several matched pairs along her           puffy lips make a real impression...

Have I sparked a new appreciation for the lowly bobby pin "biters" for either online or in person play?  They're cheap, too --a couple of bucks for a full card of them at any drugstore..  Got any other uses you want to share?

Enjoy!

There's a Forum thread on Lingerie that got me thinking about what  other aspects of scenes/ sessions stand out to make them truly memorable...

For me, erotic noise often comes right up there with sensual lingerie in putting me over the top.

I am talking about several kinds of noise--those first quiet moans, the whimpering from being edged or teased,  the frantic "Don't Stop!" as orgasm approaches, and of course the mantra of "OhGodOhgodOhgod" or some other repeated mantra as she crests and shatters.

Other kinds of noises are created by bdsm play, particularly  all sorts of impact play where the sub tries to hold out, then ratchets up through stifled gasps, to full throated cries/cursed profanities and perhaps glorious full-throated screams. Pain sluts can be especially vocal when really pushed-marvelously so!

For me, all kinds of these unplanned noises are huge triggers.  

But then there are those who do everything in their power to remain as nearly mute as possible.  Discussions between scenes quite often reveals a common, and totally understandable reason for their struggle to remain silent--They were/are mothers and had/have children at home...So sex  over several lyears was mostly a furtive affair of "Don't wake the kids!"   Breaking that code of silence can sometimes take months.

What are your favorite trigger noises ?

I'll close by offering a belated word of appreciation to any past or present sub  for all the highly individual  noises, joyful and otherwise, brought to their scenes/session --Thank You!

More than a few submissives enter The Cage because a vanilla Significant Other emotionally cannot, or simply will not, become the Dominant they have come to crave to satisfy suppressed needs.  Fair enough.

Finding a totally discreet trustworthy Dom who accepts the sub's entanglement is hard.  But in many cases an even harder situation can ensue. We'll take it as a given that in ways other than sexual and emotional satisfaction, the sub loves her (or his) SO and does not want to end it.  But the new and powerful D/s relationship can soon lead to a growing second love.  This duality can eat at the sub even as her raw craving to submit threatens to destabilize her primary committed relationship.

Understanding the danger, finding the way to balance these two loves in her life, can become her thicket of emotional thorns. 

A Dom who takes on an 'attached' sub would do well to be especially sensitive to her dilemma should he sense love developing out of his dominance.  Having a marriage, or any attachment, and then being overwhelmed with loving thoughts toward a Dominant entering her life can be an emotional tsunami for her.

With an attached sub, we might ought to tread cautiously around this potential relationship terminator. 

My own track record has not been as aware as it should have been.

These columns are full of the griefs of submissives who are ghosted, spurned or otherwise trashed by uncaring Doms.  We all feel for their heartbreak,

Less often written about is when a Dom loses a sub.

I my case, these losses have seemed to mostly be about  the sub developing too  strong an emotional attachment.   No, this is not to toot my own horn-- any good D/s relationship develops strong emotional ties.  It seems, though, that  some subs are not quite prepared for the depth of that emotional attachment...Especially this might be true if the sub is otherwise married, and wanting a Dom on the side for unfulfilled desires.

 Perhaps I can be slammed for messing with married subs in the first place.  I grant that.  Still, it can come as a cruel blow for a Dom to devote his attention and his cherishing to bringing along a sub with issues needing his assistance, to feel they are making progress together, only to be faced with a tearful farewell...

Maybe there is no good answer except to avoid "in a monogamous relationship" subs in the first place.   Sigh.

Still, if you are a new sub, and in one of those monogamous relationships, you might give some careful thoughts to how you will be able to handle  falling into deep lust, or more,  when you bring yourself to the Cage..  Are you going to withdraw when emotional entanglements ensue?

Doms invest a lot of thought and energy into their subs...  Cutting and running because suddenly  your emotions are involved  can really ding the Dom you are spurning....

Just a thought.  Or a variation on the "He Done Me Wrong" theme so often expressed here....

  Along the way, and particularly of late,  I have been in conversations with subs/ friends/  confidants  who have been badly mistreated by various Doms, some here and some not.   To be clear, hardly ANY of these mistreatments have been physical.  Instead, they have been mental and emotional sadism. 

   What am I talking about?  Well, for starters,  the sort of slow drawing away, a kind of slow-motion ghosting is one thread.  Subs might invest months, a year even, trying to build a relationship, only to feel their Doms  drawing back --not saying so, but slowly being in contact less, or less deeply.  It is the tendency of these subs to redouble their efforts , to push to find a magic key to revitalize the relationship.   From where I sit, this almost never works, but does almost always prolong the agonized suffering of the pending rejection.  These Doms  (I have no knowledge of their side of the story)  SEEM to want it both ways --they are emotionally done with this sub, BUT might want to string her along as The Other Woman, perhaps.  Or they just are too cowardly to just tell her the truth and depart honorably.

  The there are the Doms who use silence as a weapon, coming and departing, leaving their sub totally confused, not knowing what they might have done wrong.

  A few Doms seem highly skilled at making their subs believe everything wrong is the sub's own fault.  This shreds her self-image and can cause long term emotional distress. 

  So what is my point?  Sure , there are shit-heels in the Cage, as in every other site.  Caveat emptor, and all that.  BUT....

  My point is that there seems more wreckage being created now than even a couple years back.  So much so, that doing emotional triage is now a part of many--most?--new relationships, before things can move along to exploring any power exchange.  Yet there are few threads in common play here about how best to conduct this emotional damage control on wounded birds. 

  I've been trying to assist, gently if possible, with quite a bit of it lately.  Some with subs, or potential subs, and some just with those I correspond with.  But I  wish I could feel that I was doing a better job of it....Such a widespread thing--a battlefield almost of damaged or hurt or withdrawing people.

  If we have professionals in this sort of thing here in the Cage, I would love to get a tutorial on  this whole subject....

   Thanks for reading.....

Thanks to all who responded to my recent thinking aloud about bodily exposure, and how often subs are badgered for topless or nude photos, or video connections such as on Skype earlier than one might be comfortable/.

There is a natural hesitation among many subs to give in to such demands, or certainly not too quickly.  Often with good reason.

There's a middle ground which seems to me doesn't get nearly enough air time in The Cage--

Masks.

Everything from a simple Lone Ranger eye mask to elaborate Venice ball full face masks can work here.  It is possible to engage in video sexting, or exchanging full body photo art while still maintaining anonymity.

Just wear a mask!

And if he bitches or grumbles, well  -- tough titty to him!   

At least if your pictures DO get displayed by some evil Dude on the internet, only you will recognize who it is if you were wearing a mask!

Just a thought about a little discussed option in the "To bare or not to  bare"  discussion.....

New members, new to submission and new to The Cage,  face a critical decision early on.  What about showing my body online?  Who and when can I trust enough for that?  What is expected, or 'normal'?

I am not going to pose any magic answer--there really are none beyond confirming that each individual is entitled to her own decisions, and that immediate nudity is not a community norm....

What fascinates me, though, is how totally different  each new submissive handles this issue.  Everything from sendiong nude selfies right off the bat with a pushy or demanding wannabe Dom, to weeks or months of emotional back and forth.  Some subs crave to be physically admired, shedding clothing with little reluctance. Some opt for faceless nudity  to protect identity.  Some will never be comfortable over trusting with online exposure.

Perhaps the staff might address the complexities here in their welcome package.  

For this Dom, I find that I am a visual man.  I don't want to go very far down the road with a new potential sub without at least seeing a vanilla picture. I want a real partner, not someone hiding her face...But beyond that, taking it slow seems only right.

For this Dom, body part images will eventually be part of any relationship, usually as "proof pictures"  that assignments are being done, and done properly.

Full frontal identifiable nudity ??   I never 'require'  it, or demand it.  To me, full exposure is properly her choice, always.  If, or when, it comes, I take it as a gift of real importance. To me, a sub's wanting to share fully  is a huge step in trusting,  precious beyond saying.  When it happens, it has a powerful impact on me.  But the impact is not over the specifics of her body. It is the trust she finally feels, ans wants to place in me. That is powerful stuff.

It does bother me that many new sub members are pressured hard right off the bat for nude pictures. Are we doing enough to reassure them that giving in to such demands is NOT a normal or expected response?

Your thoughts, especially those who have run the new sub member  gauntlet, would be welcome.  Thanks.