Longer-Term D/s Considerations

I am going to take a bunch of flak and crap for this post, since it runs counter to the Cage mantra of ALWAYS taking time to get to know the other person, to take it slow and talk, talk, talk  about all possibilities of some connection if, or when, or maybe.

That sounds so reasonable, how could anyone argue with it?

Except that is not how  first Connections seem to happen, at least not in my experience. Not always, or even often, but  now and then it goes like this: I scan, then go back and consider an intriguing post or profile..or maybe she does.

Then there is a short, tentative note.  A response. And  KAPOW!  Instant lightning bolts, needs nakedly exposed. the earth shifts a bit.  

Only after the OMGs! have been exchanged, only then after a clear awareness that there is the potential for an unusual connection, only then  does the 

mantra of talk, talk, talk and Getting To Know Each Other  kick in.

Now I am not a newbie member sub being constantly circled and attacked by sharks, so  perhaps I am being too cavalier  in sidestepping the  warnings about always starting with a virtual coffee shop meeting and hours of conversation.

I just want to note that some great and long-lasting D/s connections start with bombs bursting in air, bulges in pants and instantly wet panties . Safely holding back and  doing the "Getting To Know You"  minuet  is not the only way  to connect  (and maybe less often how it really happens than some would imply).

My point is not to say the common advice about calmly talking things out before any touching happens is wrong. ...  Just that sometimes we just get overwhelmed, and  yes, that can work beautifully, too.

Recently I have had to grapple with something new in my Dominant life.... subs with major medical issues.

I'm not sure I handled them as well as I might have.  I tended to be slow in realizing how much such events instantly can shut down any submissive feelings.  I compounded that by  trying to keep some whiffs of 'Domlyness'  in the dialogue, when in retrospect that was unthinking.

I realize now that just dropping  any thoughts of kink,  instead going full-bore with vanilla human sympathy and support is clearly the best path for me when confronted with events of medical necessity..They are, can be, all consuming.

We're  moving on from those brinks.  I haven't been criticized, but probably I should have been.  Still, grappling with medical issues with in a D/s relationship made me realize that medical issues need to be squarely faced with a caring heart  while everything else goes on a back burner.  Should there be a next time  (here's hoping not!)  I hope I remember sooner what I've realized,  and send the flowers and supporting  thoughts right away, and keep them coming without thought of the  D/s relationship....

I wouldn't wish medical issues on anyone...They are out there, though.

At a large gathering fairly recently, a nicely turned out theater crowd,  it crossed my mind to see if I could pick out at least one submissive woman in the crowd...some subtle or overt hint.  A collar?  A bit of bdsm jewelry?  Something in an attitude?

For the entire intermission I looked, and pondered.  Nada.  Not a single hint or clue to tell the straight from the slightly bent caught my eye or my searching mind.

No wonder, then, it is such a puzzle, how to recognize a potential kindred spirit in person, outside of munches or bdsm clubs, parties, etc.  Amazing that such deep seated needs don't often show in public.  Kept private as desired.

Then, finally, on the way out, I caught a glimpse of a thin, jeweled white dog collar being worn as an anklet.  The buckle and little D-ring was the giveaway for me...

I smiled, realizing giving clues is a matter of choice.  A choice more often seen on the West Coast than in the heartland, I expect.

Do you like coming up with and wearing clues?   Are there some I have missed, Perhaps?

There's an ongoing Forum thread about whether Online or In Person D/s is preferred.  I've posted my feeling there (online is more a necessity for some, than an either-or-choice).

Recently I was asked by a new member sub:  "So, how does online work for you. and what do you get out of it?"

Good newbie question.  Got me thinking, since after more than a decade as an online Dom, I hardly ever consider the 'how' and 'why' of it. It is my life.

The 'why' of it is easy--arousal, friendship, cherishing a sub, helping her find calm, and growth. Then seeing  initial 'play' turn into a real relationship, with real emotions, ups and downs,  lending and receiving a hand.  A sub or a Little can blossom right before your eyes, an incredible turn-on to feel trust growing, and guarded acceptance become a meaningful relationship.  This doesn't only happen in person, contrary to the opinions of some.  It is just less instantaneous, and maybe a little more difficult  in the distance world of online.

The 'how' of it?--Ah, not so easy to describe.  Every Dom's approach is different, ranging from ham-handedly boorish to almost gently considerate.  Some play manipulative, hurtful mindfuck games,  using silence and belittlement as  cudgels.  Some are too sweet, skirting the vanilla world their sub or Little seeks to escape.  Some fluctuate between these extremes, seeking balance.
Some use only bedroom scenes and sex in their Domming.  Some try to be a part of the sub's other life.  For me, it is the challenge of finding and using the most ordinary office or home and kitchen items as sexual implements.  I enjoy the full range from bobby pins to kitchen tongs, Sharpies to Scrubbies.  So the hows also can run a whole variety of actions, and be blended into the sub's other life for a meaningful relationship.

I'm still not sure how to answer the newbie question.  All I know is that I am most alive and fulfilled and whole when I am directing a Subbie or a Little in something inventive which will arouse her, bring her calm centering...Or just perhaps help her grow as a woman, contributing to her becoming her best self.

Got me wondering how other online Doms  might answer this question, if it were asked of them?

While coming to grips with, and yes, mourning, the loss of a recent sub,  I've been considering the loss of other subs over the past couple of years, and the reasons for those endings.  Some partings have been my responsibility (okay,  'fault'), and some  have been from other causes.

Each has brought to mind that online D/s relationships  might perhaps be more fragile, more prone to misunderstanding, than those in person.  At lest in person, misunderstandings might be more easily seen and addressed face to face.  Online is often missing all the visual, body language and eye contact clues which might otherwise help keep a relationship healthy.  It might take greater care from both Dom/Domme and sub.

Looking back, perhaps the most frequent, and distressing, reason for my losing a sub  was  the accidental disclosure of our relationship to a sub's in person significant other.  Carelessness in electronic communications, in other words.  Maybe we Cagers don't think often enough about this real danger area.  A mutually satisfying relationship can, and has more than once for me, ended in a POOF! when messages have been left where an SO could read them.

Saying or doing something which is misunderstood, or taken in a way not intended, has also tripped up a relationship  for me, probably my bad, through careless communicating.  Life changes also have led to loss of connection, too --moving, divorces, family medical changes, etc.  These often can't be helped, and also affect in person relationships.

So, what is my point?  Only to remind that impermanence--fragility--is an ever-lurking possibility in our online activities.  Seeking out the giving and receiving of whatever sort of satisfactions we need is something I'm learning actively savor on a daily basis. 

Things can change in a heartbeat.

Many here are absolute monogamists toward kinky relationship.  Some are even prone to become morality cops.  I'm going to set them aside for now, accepting as valid their feelings, (if not their occasional scoldings).

Others are various degrees of lenient regarding multiple arrangements.  It is this part of the population which has my attention here.

Most commonly this seems to involve a Dom who might enjoy two (or more?) subs, and quite often works to keep them apart, unaware of each other. Then there seems to be a small and generally quiet group into poly D/s of one sort or another.  I set these in my mind as opposite poles.

But what lies in between, in the shadows?

Might there be other successful arrangements where the grey zone this side of openly poly might function, and might those varietions manage to be successful?

I'm thinking of a possible triangular hookup, maybe two subs serving the same Dom/me,  not together, but in contact with each other, maybe exchanging views as friends independent of the Dominant?  What would such a dynamic be like? Would they want to gang up on their Dom,  or trade experiences in a sort of mutually supporting way?

Or might a sub, maybe one on line, want help using impact tools, or wax, or bondage, where another set of hands is essential?  Can that sort of Dom's helper (would you call him/her a 'Domlet'?) fit in to expand sensations for the sub? Or would the helper become a sort of hands on coach to either a Dom or a sub?

There are probably other permutations floating around here under the radar.  Doesn't our world offer endless fascination!

I'd enjoy hearing from anyone with experience at one of these alternate arrangements, and how it seemed to work..Thanks!

   I'm an inveterate profile reader for reasons dimly understood, but not often for any hunting/searching reasons. It is a form of voyeurism, I suppose.

  The number of profiles NOT including age, or any indication of approximate age,  always  surprises, and disappoints me.

   Of course Doms can be young and still have gained some experience, and older Doms may be off-putting to youger subs, or perhaps even more attractive for their maturity.  Same for subs, since there are Doms attracted to nubile younger bodies, and Doms who appreciate maturity of mind and form, too.

   To me, age might not matter sometimes,  but is most always a consideration. 

So, why do so many profiles, especially it seems from newbie subs of all ages, fail completely to indicate even a age bracket?

  Speaking solely as an older Dom, and more comfortable with at least fairly mature submissives,  I find it really puzzing that not only a real number, but any hint of an age bracket, is so often omited.   

   I wonder how often profiles without age get passed right over... Is he/she  too young/too old for the browser's taste?

  Why do older members so often assume they won't be desired because of their age group?  And why do the teeny weenies seem to think nobody will care about their age?

  So, dear reader, if you are 'ageless', might you reconsider your own profile? ---if not wanting to list a number, then at least something like "in my 40s" or "still in college"  will do a lot to flesh out a profile...Hell,  even "Way more mature than most"  might attract someone like me!

Thanks for reading.

Rick

I only do online Domming, and I only do it with female  subs, so this reflection is limited to that world.  Perhaps it applies to Dommes and male subs, or same sex D/s..but I have no feelings about those relationships.

So, between a male Dominant, and an online female sub, where does trust really begin?  I'm going to posit there is a single action, a tipping point,  where a Dom can actually see that trust has really happened with his sub.

No, I don't think it is when the conversation finally gets around to the Dom requiring a specific act of submission.  That back and forth can go on for weeks, months even, I think, without being 'real' submission.  Why not?  Because everyone in The Cage is masquerading.  We have Cage names, cage profiles which may or may not reflect the real person behind the words, or even the images. With being identifiable real people, it is still forms of safe play online.

There ARE elements of necessary safety in this for any submissive cautiously approaching a new  D/s relationship, especially online. In some ways this can be a world of smoke and mirrors, of shape-shifters on both sides of the divide.

So how does a Dom know, for a certainty, that he has earned real trust?   And how does a sub realize she does, in reality, trust her new Dom?

I will suggest in the majority of cases, it is this one single act.  It matters not of the Dom requires it, or if the sub offers it.

Real trust between an online sub and her Dom happens when she transmits to him her identifiable face atop her bared breasts, or her fully naked body. 

By the single act of sending a topless or naked selfie with her own face included, she has told him that she KNOWS  the internet is awash in images of women who disrobed, and then found themselves embarrassingly posted somewhere online. She is taking a huge leap in trusting him.

To accept that risk, to trust a new Dom-- isn't this the defining moment of real, actual trust?

Only a real shit would trample on that trust, seems to me.  He must know the gift he has been given, of the trust behind that first unwrapped image.  But there are real shits out there in Domland.  Still, she has made the decision.  She trusts.

I'd be curious if I am close to what goes through the mind of female online subs on proclaiming trust through an act... What was your defining act of real trust?

I like reading submissive women's profiles here and on other sites as well.  It is a sort of voyeuristic addiction for me, I suppose.

So I've noticed an odd sort of thing about the "Limits" section in  nearly all women's profiles here in The Cage which seems unusual to me.

Maybe it is just a sort of group-think thing, as newbies arrive and review existing profiles to see what is being said, and feel the need to echo the same entries....

Still, it strikes me as strange that  a very tiny fringe fetish which surely far less than one percent of Doms have any interest in at all  should be so prominently featured in almost every new sub's profile.   I'm talking about 'skat', or feces, or poop or just plain shit.

I mean, come on, is this really something that needs mentioning in almost every submissive's profile as something nearly any Dom they might meet is going to want to inflict on them?   Mightn't we all just assume that this strange fetish is such a rare thing,  and loathing it is such a normal thing,  that it need not even be said right at the outset in nearly every profile?

To my mind, the "limits" section might be better used for specific things which might be specific to that sub's  taste avoidance, like "no hairy Doms"  or  "No one under xx years",  rather than these blanket limits on things illegal or  scatalogical..

My own profile sets as "Limits" :    " Anything non-consensual, for either of us. ".   Mightn't that be enough?

There. Done venting, and back to my corner......

Once a D/s relationship has become a partnership of  for than a few weeks, months, even longer, we begin to feel we 'know' our Dom or sub.  This can lead to that comfort of expectations, of general ideas about how we will treat our sub, or be treated by our Dom.  There is a shared intimacy in those expectaions, whatever they might be.

We are  linked by shared experiences.  First can come some comfort  in 'knowing'  generally what to expect, but then the spectre of potential boredom can enter the room, as well.  Always to be guarded against.

A surpising thing happened to me recently,  tilting the balance, and reminding that we never REALLY know all there is to know about anyone.  I was given an 'intimate' and highly personal crossword puzzle to try to complete, using  what I know about its author to break the clues.  The surpise was that, with near a half year of 'knowing', I still could only manage about half the answers from the clues provided.

This exercise was a good reminder that we all, every one of us, carries unknown corners, has undisclosed past history bits, or interests, and can surprise at any time, for good or not.

All relationships, especially so the online variety, carry risks and are by their nature fragile.  Strive to know your other,  but seek to keep the excitement of learning new things at the same time. The same applies as well to scenes and sex, where introducing new sensations now and then keeps things healthy.   A reminder to keep the boredom banished....