Longer-Term D/s Considerations

More than a few submissives enter The Cage because a vanilla Significant Other emotionally cannot, or simply will not, become the Dominant they have come to crave to satisfy suppressed needs.  Fair enough.

Finding a totally discreet trustworthy Dom who accepts the sub's entanglement is hard.  But in many cases an even harder situation can ensue. We'll take it as a given that in ways other than sexual and emotional satisfaction, the sub loves her (or his) SO and does not want to end it.  But the new and powerful D/s relationship can soon lead to a growing second love.  This duality can eat at the sub even as her raw craving to submit threatens to destabilize her primary committed relationship.

Understanding the danger, finding the way to balance these two loves in her life, can become her thicket of emotional thorns. 

A Dom who takes on an 'attached' sub would do well to be especially sensitive to her dilemma should he sense love developing out of his dominance.  Having a marriage, or any attachment, and then being overwhelmed with loving thoughts toward a Dominant entering her life can be an emotional tsunami for her.

With an attached sub, we might ought to tread cautiously around this potential relationship terminator. 

My own track record has not been as aware as it should have been.

These columns are full of the griefs of submissives who are ghosted, spurned or otherwise trashed by uncaring Doms.  We all feel for their heartbreak,

Less often written about is when a Dom loses a sub.

I my case, these losses have seemed to mostly be about  the sub developing too  strong an emotional attachment.   No, this is not to toot my own horn-- any good D/s relationship develops strong emotional ties.  It seems, though, that  some subs are not quite prepared for the depth of that emotional attachment...Especially this might be true if the sub is otherwise married, and wanting a Dom on the side for unfulfilled desires.

 Perhaps I can be slammed for messing with married subs in the first place.  I grant that.  Still, it can come as a cruel blow for a Dom to devote his attention and his cherishing to bringing along a sub with issues needing his assistance, to feel they are making progress together, only to be faced with a tearful farewell...

Maybe there is no good answer except to avoid "in a monogamous relationship" subs in the first place.   Sigh.

Still, if you are a new sub, and in one of those monogamous relationships, you might give some careful thoughts to how you will be able to handle  falling into deep lust, or more,  when you bring yourself to the Cage..  Are you going to withdraw when emotional entanglements ensue?

Doms invest a lot of thought and energy into their subs...  Cutting and running because suddenly  your emotions are involved  can really ding the Dom you are spurning....

Just a thought.  Or a variation on the "He Done Me Wrong" theme so often expressed here....

  Along the way, and particularly of late,  I have been in conversations with subs/ friends/  confidants  who have been badly mistreated by various Doms, some here and some not.   To be clear, hardly ANY of these mistreatments have been physical.  Instead, they have been mental and emotional sadism. 

   What am I talking about?  Well, for starters,  the sort of slow drawing away, a kind of slow-motion ghosting is one thread.  Subs might invest months, a year even, trying to build a relationship, only to feel their Doms  drawing back --not saying so, but slowly being in contact less, or less deeply.  It is the tendency of these subs to redouble their efforts , to push to find a magic key to revitalize the relationship.   From where I sit, this almost never works, but does almost always prolong the agonized suffering of the pending rejection.  These Doms  (I have no knowledge of their side of the story)  SEEM to want it both ways --they are emotionally done with this sub, BUT might want to string her along as The Other Woman, perhaps.  Or they just are too cowardly to just tell her the truth and depart honorably.

  The there are the Doms who use silence as a weapon, coming and departing, leaving their sub totally confused, not knowing what they might have done wrong.

  A few Doms seem highly skilled at making their subs believe everything wrong is the sub's own fault.  This shreds her self-image and can cause long term emotional distress. 

  So what is my point?  Sure , there are shit-heels in the Cage, as in every other site.  Caveat emptor, and all that.  BUT....

  My point is that there seems more wreckage being created now than even a couple years back.  So much so, that doing emotional triage is now a part of many--most?--new relationships, before things can move along to exploring any power exchange.  Yet there are few threads in common play here about how best to conduct this emotional damage control on wounded birds. 

  I've been trying to assist, gently if possible, with quite a bit of it lately.  Some with subs, or potential subs, and some just with those I correspond with.  But I  wish I could feel that I was doing a better job of it....Such a widespread thing--a battlefield almost of damaged or hurt or withdrawing people.

  If we have professionals in this sort of thing here in the Cage, I would love to get a tutorial on  this whole subject....

   Thanks for reading.....

Thanks to all who responded to my recent thinking aloud about bodily exposure, and how often subs are badgered for topless or nude photos, or video connections such as on Skype earlier than one might be comfortable/.

There is a natural hesitation among many subs to give in to such demands, or certainly not too quickly.  Often with good reason.

There's a middle ground which seems to me doesn't get nearly enough air time in The Cage--

Masks.

Everything from a simple Lone Ranger eye mask to elaborate Venice ball full face masks can work here.  It is possible to engage in video sexting, or exchanging full body photo art while still maintaining anonymity.

Just wear a mask!

And if he bitches or grumbles, well  -- tough titty to him!   

At least if your pictures DO get displayed by some evil Dude on the internet, only you will recognize who it is if you were wearing a mask!

Just a thought about a little discussed option in the "To bare or not to  bare"  discussion.....

New members, new to submission and new to The Cage,  face a critical decision early on.  What about showing my body online?  Who and when can I trust enough for that?  What is expected, or 'normal'?

I am not going to pose any magic answer--there really are none beyond confirming that each individual is entitled to her own decisions, and that immediate nudity is not a community norm....

What fascinates me, though, is how totally different  each new submissive handles this issue.  Everything from sendiong nude selfies right off the bat with a pushy or demanding wannabe Dom, to weeks or months of emotional back and forth.  Some subs crave to be physically admired, shedding clothing with little reluctance. Some opt for faceless nudity  to protect identity.  Some will never be comfortable over trusting with online exposure.

Perhaps the staff might address the complexities here in their welcome package.  

For this Dom, I find that I am a visual man.  I don't want to go very far down the road with a new potential sub without at least seeing a vanilla picture. I want a real partner, not someone hiding her face...But beyond that, taking it slow seems only right.

For this Dom, body part images will eventually be part of any relationship, usually as "proof pictures"  that assignments are being done, and done properly.

Full frontal identifiable nudity ??   I never 'require'  it, or demand it.  To me, full exposure is properly her choice, always.  If, or when, it comes, I take it as a gift of real importance. To me, a sub's wanting to share fully  is a huge step in trusting,  precious beyond saying.  When it happens, it has a powerful impact on me.  But the impact is not over the specifics of her body. It is the trust she finally feels, ans wants to place in me. That is powerful stuff.

It does bother me that many new sub members are pressured hard right off the bat for nude pictures. Are we doing enough to reassure them that giving in to such demands is NOT a normal or expected response?

Your thoughts, especially those who have run the new sub member  gauntlet, would be welcome.  Thanks.

I am going to take a bunch of flak and crap for this post, since it runs counter to the Cage mantra of ALWAYS taking time to get to know the other person, to take it slow and talk, talk, talk  about all possibilities of some connection if, or when, or maybe.

That sounds so reasonable, how could anyone argue with it?

Except that is not how  first Connections seem to happen, at least not in my experience. Not always, or even often, but  now and then it goes like this: I scan, then go back and consider an intriguing post or profile..or maybe she does.

Then there is a short, tentative note.  A response. And  KAPOW!  Instant lightning bolts, needs nakedly exposed. the earth shifts a bit.  

Only after the OMGs! have been exchanged, only then after a clear awareness that there is the potential for an unusual connection, only then  does the 

mantra of talk, talk, talk and Getting To Know Each Other  kick in.

Now I am not a newbie member sub being constantly circled and attacked by sharks, so  perhaps I am being too cavalier  in sidestepping the  warnings about always starting with a virtual coffee shop meeting and hours of conversation.

I just want to note that some great and long-lasting D/s connections start with bombs bursting in air, bulges in pants and instantly wet panties . Safely holding back and  doing the "Getting To Know You"  minuet  is not the only way  to connect  (and maybe less often how it really happens than some would imply).

My point is not to say the common advice about calmly talking things out before any touching happens is wrong. ...  Just that sometimes we just get overwhelmed, and  yes, that can work beautifully, too.

Recently I have had to grapple with something new in my Dominant life.... subs with major medical issues.

I'm not sure I handled them as well as I might have.  I tended to be slow in realizing how much such events instantly can shut down any submissive feelings.  I compounded that by  trying to keep some whiffs of 'Domlyness'  in the dialogue, when in retrospect that was unthinking.

I realize now that just dropping  any thoughts of kink,  instead going full-bore with vanilla human sympathy and support is clearly the best path for me when confronted with events of medical necessity..They are, can be, all consuming.

We're  moving on from those brinks.  I haven't been criticized, but probably I should have been.  Still, grappling with medical issues with in a D/s relationship made me realize that medical issues need to be squarely faced with a caring heart  while everything else goes on a back burner.  Should there be a next time  (here's hoping not!)  I hope I remember sooner what I've realized,  and send the flowers and supporting  thoughts right away, and keep them coming without thought of the  D/s relationship....

I wouldn't wish medical issues on anyone...They are out there, though.

At a large gathering fairly recently, a nicely turned out theater crowd,  it crossed my mind to see if I could pick out at least one submissive woman in the crowd...some subtle or overt hint.  A collar?  A bit of bdsm jewelry?  Something in an attitude?

For the entire intermission I looked, and pondered.  Nada.  Not a single hint or clue to tell the straight from the slightly bent caught my eye or my searching mind.

No wonder, then, it is such a puzzle, how to recognize a potential kindred spirit in person, outside of munches or bdsm clubs, parties, etc.  Amazing that such deep seated needs don't often show in public.  Kept private as desired.

Then, finally, on the way out, I caught a glimpse of a thin, jeweled white dog collar being worn as an anklet.  The buckle and little D-ring was the giveaway for me...

I smiled, realizing giving clues is a matter of choice.  A choice more often seen on the West Coast than in the heartland, I expect.

Do you like coming up with and wearing clues?   Are there some I have missed, Perhaps?

There's an ongoing Forum thread about whether Online or In Person D/s is preferred.  I've posted my feeling there (online is more a necessity for some, than an either-or-choice).

Recently I was asked by a new member sub:  "So, how does online work for you. and what do you get out of it?"

Good newbie question.  Got me thinking, since after more than a decade as an online Dom, I hardly ever consider the 'how' and 'why' of it. It is my life.

The 'why' of it is easy--arousal, friendship, cherishing a sub, helping her find calm, and growth. Then seeing  initial 'play' turn into a real relationship, with real emotions, ups and downs,  lending and receiving a hand.  A sub or a Little can blossom right before your eyes, an incredible turn-on to feel trust growing, and guarded acceptance become a meaningful relationship.  This doesn't only happen in person, contrary to the opinions of some.  It is just less instantaneous, and maybe a little more difficult  in the distance world of online.

The 'how' of it?--Ah, not so easy to describe.  Every Dom's approach is different, ranging from ham-handedly boorish to almost gently considerate.  Some play manipulative, hurtful mindfuck games,  using silence and belittlement as  cudgels.  Some are too sweet, skirting the vanilla world their sub or Little seeks to escape.  Some fluctuate between these extremes, seeking balance.
Some use only bedroom scenes and sex in their Domming.  Some try to be a part of the sub's other life.  For me, it is the challenge of finding and using the most ordinary office or home and kitchen items as sexual implements.  I enjoy the full range from bobby pins to kitchen tongs, Sharpies to Scrubbies.  So the hows also can run a whole variety of actions, and be blended into the sub's other life for a meaningful relationship.

I'm still not sure how to answer the newbie question.  All I know is that I am most alive and fulfilled and whole when I am directing a Subbie or a Little in something inventive which will arouse her, bring her calm centering...Or just perhaps help her grow as a woman, contributing to her becoming her best self.

Got me wondering how other online Doms  might answer this question, if it were asked of them?

While coming to grips with, and yes, mourning, the loss of a recent sub,  I've been considering the loss of other subs over the past couple of years, and the reasons for those endings.  Some partings have been my responsibility (okay,  'fault'), and some  have been from other causes.

Each has brought to mind that online D/s relationships  might perhaps be more fragile, more prone to misunderstanding, than those in person.  At lest in person, misunderstandings might be more easily seen and addressed face to face.  Online is often missing all the visual, body language and eye contact clues which might otherwise help keep a relationship healthy.  It might take greater care from both Dom/Domme and sub.

Looking back, perhaps the most frequent, and distressing, reason for my losing a sub  was  the accidental disclosure of our relationship to a sub's in person significant other.  Carelessness in electronic communications, in other words.  Maybe we Cagers don't think often enough about this real danger area.  A mutually satisfying relationship can, and has more than once for me, ended in a POOF! when messages have been left where an SO could read them.

Saying or doing something which is misunderstood, or taken in a way not intended, has also tripped up a relationship  for me, probably my bad, through careless communicating.  Life changes also have led to loss of connection, too --moving, divorces, family medical changes, etc.  These often can't be helped, and also affect in person relationships.

So, what is my point?  Only to remind that impermanence--fragility--is an ever-lurking possibility in our online activities.  Seeking out the giving and receiving of whatever sort of satisfactions we need is something I'm learning actively savor on a daily basis. 

Things can change in a heartbeat.