Longer-Term D/s Considerations

Traveling in the online lane of D/s relationships  has the potential to remind us of the fragility in what we do.  By their very nature, online D/s relationships are totally voluntary on both sides,  and that voluntary coming together is actually renewed every day, even with every back and forth between Dom and sub.  Either can end it, any time, even with 'contracts' in force.

Being 'ghosted' is the cruelist form of breaking-up.  Just leaving the other partner in a relationship with no explanations, no hints--that is really unconscionable.

But there are many other break-ups, some by mutual agreement over differing expectations perhaps, or one partner feeling he/she has gotten as much out of a relationship as they can, or even over uneasy feelings of becoming too emotionally entangled.  All kinds of reasons.

Break-ups are  (unfortunately, often)  part of online D/s for many reasons.   We tend not to talk much about them, or how to do them with style,  but it is something to think about....a fact of the fragile nature of online dominance or submission.

Doing the best you can to minimize the bruises is a worthwhile goal if/when a break-up looms in your future.

I've recently had my eyes opened by a most persecptive sub on the subject of 'ownership'.   I suspect most of us Doms  like "having" our subs.....But is 'having' the same as 'owning'?  And what exactly does 'owning a sub' mean?

There is a subset of the D/s community that believes in drawing up and signing contracts, which can be elaborate and official looking, even if they have no legal standing at all.  I suppose there is comfort for both parties in such an effort, but that is not my world.

Nor does "owned" mean 'exclusive',  as many here are married and not to their D/s partners.  And Doms are notorious for wandering eyes, or having more than one sub at a time.  Subs have also been known to keep an eye out for other experiences, too.  So I have little confidence that "owned"  often means 'permanent' or 'exclusive', though in some cases that is the case.

So the questiona rises,  What do we mean by the profile tags of  "taken" or "owned"  or "protected"?   Notice I did not include "Collared", since most commonly 'being collared'is in connection with a scene.  The Dom and the sub attach the sub's collar to tell both that they are in scene, that the sub will obey the Sir, within their agreed limits, until the scene ends.  So collaring is a scene specific label.  Most subs do not wear clearly submissive collars of steel or leather, with D-rings or studs or whatever, out to their day jobs.  They are not 'in scene'.

But it all gets fuzzier with this word "owned".   The tutorial I have been led into (for my own good, I think)  has led me to a  clearer concept, at least clearer for me.  

"Owned" simply means "Cherished".  For me is is not about possession,  it is an endearment.

I'd be delighted to hear your differing takes on this  common, but perhaps ill-defined concept.

Being a longtime online-only Dom with some superb submissive women  has given me many chances to experiment with useful common household or office items as tools to bring physical sensations to a distant submissive. I thank each one for their part in this journey.

Classics of this genre are wooden spoons and rulers.

Still, there seems to be a continuing search to find ways to 'lay hands' on a sub in a strictly online relationship.  Today I will start with my smallest and most useful single Dom tool  for helping my sub to feel my presence with arousing sensations....

It is a little $1.98 card of ordinary bobby pins (hair clips in some countries)  available in any chain drug store.

Oh yes, your mind goes right to their most obvious use--a bobby pin clipped on a nipple can be more persistently ouchy than a larger clothespin.  I can simulate my teeth almost perfectly with this ordinary item.  (CAUTION--NOTHING should pinch a nipple for more than about 15-20 minutes max, to avoid any chance of circulatory damage!)

That's as far as many go in thinking about its uses.   But there is more.  A bobby pin can 'bite' almost any soft skin on a submissive body, and leave little teeth marks!  Think inner thighs, between toes and so on.

A clever Dom might require a sub to carry a couple attached to her underwear at all times, to remind.  Or just drop a few in a bra cup for the same feeling of being owned.

Or require one to be biting anywhere on her body whenever they communicate.

 All this (and more)  from the simplest little bits of bent steel....How amazing, and how much arousal to share.

For those already curious --Yes, bobby pins can be attached for more interesting sensations to labial lips, too.

For a quick and easy (for the Dom) correction, two bobby pins on the end of a sub's tongue for 10 minutes or so makkes a fair in -kind correction.  Of course, a 'proof picture' would be required to show compliance by the sub in correction mode.

I hope I've got the wheels in your head turning.  I'd welcome hearing about any other uses you like for the common bobby pin.

Rick

  More often than I care to remember, issues stemming from girlhood or early teen years have impacted a sub's ability to fully savor the range of experiences often a part of a healthy Dom/sub relationship.  For my first post  I'd like to pick at the edges of one set of those experiences --religious training and strictures --and seek some advice.

  Not every submisive is afflicted with the longer term lingering fears of what may have been drilled into them as girls, but a good number carry the harmful emotional scars of early "Good Girls Don't" insitutional training  through their lives.  These teaching, and threats of what happens to girls who 'sin' in various ways, seem to be forced to the forefront  later on in facing submissive tasks.  Perhaps staying within a vanilla life might not require re-examining such teachings,  but active submission can seem to .

  Things as basic as attitudes calling nudity, masturbation or other self-touching 'sinful acts',  can cripple full enjoyment, perhaps especially in online relationships where the Dom's hands and actions are of necessity carried out by the sub's hands. More intimate activites can be even more troubling to a sub raised in an  environment of sinful admonitions, such as perhaps in some girls' religious schools.  Yes, these can serve a limited good end to control a young girl's perhaps unwise early sexual explorings.  In later life, though, they can resurface to cripple what most in our community might consider as healthy sexual activities and satisfaction.

  I've encountered this often enough to not be surprised when, with a new partner,  these old fears of being 'bad' or of 'going to Hell' sooner or later need to be addressed together.  Often, the new sub is deliberately trying to overcome those early barriers, not realizing how deeply they are embedded.   Others are not fully aware of the subconscious barriers placed deeply in their minds.  When these issues arise, though,  it becomes the Dom's role to respect the power of those early church teachings, which might have been reinforced by parent or teen peers as well.

Working through this emotional minefield is never easy with such an emotionally scarred sub.  I hope I have helped come to a healthier place in most cases, but working alone, I'm never sure.

I'd much appreciate the reflections of subs who've faced these issues, about what was helpful to them in getting past them.

ps--

I have NO interest in discussing here any religion or its belief set or training practices--live and let live. All are entitled to whatever faith they may embrace. I only seek to better assist subs dealing with personal issues they must come to grips with as they explore in the D/s world.