Longer-Term D/s Considerations

I only do online Domming, and I only do it with female  subs, so this reflection is limited to that world.  Perhaps it applies to Dommes and male subs, or same sex D/s..but I have no feelings about those relationships.

So, between a male Dominant, and an online female sub, where does trust really begin?  I'm going to posit there is a single action, a tipping point,  where a Dom can actually see that trust has really happened with his sub.

No, I don't think it is when the conversation finally gets around to the Dom requiring a specific act of submission.  That back and forth can go on for weeks, months even, I think, without being 'real' submission.  Why not?  Because everyone in The Cage is masquerading.  We have Cage names, cage profiles which may or may not reflect the real person behind the words, or even the images. With being identifiable real people, it is still forms of safe play online.

There ARE elements of necessary safety in this for any submissive cautiously approaching a new  D/s relationship, especially online. In some ways this can be a world of smoke and mirrors, of shape-shifters on both sides of the divide.

So how does a Dom know, for a certainty, that he has earned real trust?   And how does a sub realize she does, in reality, trust her new Dom?

I will suggest in the majority of cases, it is this one single act.  It matters not of the Dom requires it, or if the sub offers it.

Real trust between an online sub and her Dom happens when she transmits to him her identifiable face atop her bared breasts, or her fully naked body. 

By the single act of sending a topless or naked selfie with her own face included, she has told him that she KNOWS  the internet is awash in images of women who disrobed, and then found themselves embarrassingly posted somewhere online. She is taking a huge leap in trusting him.

To accept that risk, to trust a new Dom-- isn't this the defining moment of real, actual trust?

Only a real shit would trample on that trust, seems to me.  He must know the gift he has been given, of the trust behind that first unwrapped image.  But there are real shits out there in Domland.  Still, she has made the decision.  She trusts.

I'd be curious if I am close to what goes through the mind of female online subs on proclaiming trust through an act... What was your defining act of real trust?

I like reading submissive women's profiles here and on other sites as well.  It is a sort of voyeuristic addiction for me, I suppose.

So I've noticed an odd sort of thing about the "Limits" section in  nearly all women's profiles here in The Cage which seems unusual to me.

Maybe it is just a sort of group-think thing, as newbies arrive and review existing profiles to see what is being said, and feel the need to echo the same entries....

Still, it strikes me as strange that  a very tiny fringe fetish which surely far less than one percent of Doms have any interest in at all  should be so prominently featured in almost every new sub's profile.   I'm talking about 'skat', or feces, or poop or just plain shit.

I mean, come on, is this really something that needs mentioning in almost every submissive's profile as something nearly any Dom they might meet is going to want to inflict on them?   Mightn't we all just assume that this strange fetish is such a rare thing,  and loathing it is such a normal thing,  that it need not even be said right at the outset in nearly every profile?

To my mind, the "limits" section might be better used for specific things which might be specific to that sub's  taste avoidance, like "no hairy Doms"  or  "No one under xx years",  rather than these blanket limits on things illegal or  scatalogical..

My own profile sets as "Limits" :    " Anything non-consensual, for either of us. ".   Mightn't that be enough?

There. Done venting, and back to my corner......

Once a D/s relationship has become a partnership of  for than a few weeks, months, even longer, we begin to feel we 'know' our Dom or sub.  This can lead to that comfort of expectations, of general ideas about how we will treat our sub, or be treated by our Dom.  There is a shared intimacy in those expectaions, whatever they might be.

We are  linked by shared experiences.  First can come some comfort  in 'knowing'  generally what to expect, but then the spectre of potential boredom can enter the room, as well.  Always to be guarded against.

A surpising thing happened to me recently,  tilting the balance, and reminding that we never REALLY know all there is to know about anyone.  I was given an 'intimate' and highly personal crossword puzzle to try to complete, using  what I know about its author to break the clues.  The surpise was that, with near a half year of 'knowing', I still could only manage about half the answers from the clues provided.

This exercise was a good reminder that we all, every one of us, carries unknown corners, has undisclosed past history bits, or interests, and can surprise at any time, for good or not.

All relationships, especially so the online variety, carry risks and are by their nature fragile.  Strive to know your other,  but seek to keep the excitement of learning new things at the same time. The same applies as well to scenes and sex, where introducing new sensations now and then keeps things healthy.   A reminder to keep the boredom banished....

Traveling in the online lane of D/s relationships  has the potential to remind us of the fragility in what we do.  By their very nature, online D/s relationships are totally voluntary on both sides,  and that voluntary coming together is actually renewed every day, even with every back and forth between Dom and sub.  Either can end it, any time, even with 'contracts' in force.

Being 'ghosted' is the cruelist form of breaking-up.  Just leaving the other partner in a relationship with no explanations, no hints--that is really unconscionable.

But there are many other break-ups, some by mutual agreement over differing expectations perhaps, or one partner feeling he/she has gotten as much out of a relationship as they can, or even over uneasy feelings of becoming too emotionally entangled.  All kinds of reasons.

Break-ups are  (unfortunately, often)  part of online D/s for many reasons.   We tend not to talk much about them, or how to do them with style,  but it is something to think about....a fact of the fragile nature of online dominance or submission.

Doing the best you can to minimize the bruises is a worthwhile goal if/when a break-up looms in your future.

I've recently had my eyes opened by a most persecptive sub on the subject of 'ownership'.   I suspect most of us Doms  like "having" our subs.....But is 'having' the same as 'owning'?  And what exactly does 'owning a sub' mean?

There is a subset of the D/s community that believes in drawing up and signing contracts, which can be elaborate and official looking, even if they have no legal standing at all.  I suppose there is comfort for both parties in such an effort, but that is not my world.

Nor does "owned" mean 'exclusive',  as many here are married and not to their D/s partners.  And Doms are notorious for wandering eyes, or having more than one sub at a time.  Subs have also been known to keep an eye out for other experiences, too.  So I have little confidence that "owned"  often means 'permanent' or 'exclusive', though in some cases that is the case.

So the questiona rises,  What do we mean by the profile tags of  "taken" or "owned"  or "protected"?   Notice I did not include "Collared", since most commonly 'being collared'is in connection with a scene.  The Dom and the sub attach the sub's collar to tell both that they are in scene, that the sub will obey the Sir, within their agreed limits, until the scene ends.  So collaring is a scene specific label.  Most subs do not wear clearly submissive collars of steel or leather, with D-rings or studs or whatever, out to their day jobs.  They are not 'in scene'.

But it all gets fuzzier with this word "owned".   The tutorial I have been led into (for my own good, I think)  has led me to a  clearer concept, at least clearer for me.  

"Owned" simply means "Cherished".  For me is is not about possession,  it is an endearment.

I'd be delighted to hear your differing takes on this  common, but perhaps ill-defined concept.

Being a longtime online-only Dom with some superb submissive women  has given me many chances to experiment with useful common household or office items as tools to bring physical sensations to a distant submissive. I thank each one for their part in this journey.

Classics of this genre are wooden spoons and rulers.

Still, there seems to be a continuing search to find ways to 'lay hands' on a sub in a strictly online relationship.  Today I will start with my smallest and most useful single Dom tool  for helping my sub to feel my presence with arousing sensations....

It is a little $1.98 card of ordinary bobby pins (hair clips in some countries)  available in any chain drug store.

Oh yes, your mind goes right to their most obvious use--a bobby pin clipped on a nipple can be more persistently ouchy than a larger clothespin.  I can simulate my teeth almost perfectly with this ordinary item.  (CAUTION--NOTHING should pinch a nipple for more than about 15-20 minutes max, to avoid any chance of circulatory damage!)

That's as far as many go in thinking about its uses.   But there is more.  A bobby pin can 'bite' almost any soft skin on a submissive body, and leave little teeth marks!  Think inner thighs, between toes and so on.

A clever Dom might require a sub to carry a couple attached to her underwear at all times, to remind.  Or just drop a few in a bra cup for the same feeling of being owned.

Or require one to be biting anywhere on her body whenever they communicate.

 All this (and more)  from the simplest little bits of bent steel....How amazing, and how much arousal to share.

For those already curious --Yes, bobby pins can be attached for more interesting sensations to labial lips, too.

For a quick and easy (for the Dom) correction, two bobby pins on the end of a sub's tongue for 10 minutes or so makkes a fair in -kind correction.  Of course, a 'proof picture' would be required to show compliance by the sub in correction mode.

I hope I've got the wheels in your head turning.  I'd welcome hearing about any other uses you like for the common bobby pin.

Rick

  More often than I care to remember, issues stemming from girlhood or early teen years have impacted a sub's ability to fully savor the range of experiences often a part of a healthy Dom/sub relationship.  For my first post  I'd like to pick at the edges of one set of those experiences --religious training and strictures --and seek some advice.

  Not every submisive is afflicted with the longer term lingering fears of what may have been drilled into them as girls, but a good number carry the harmful emotional scars of early "Good Girls Don't" insitutional training  through their lives.  These teaching, and threats of what happens to girls who 'sin' in various ways, seem to be forced to the forefront  later on in facing submissive tasks.  Perhaps staying within a vanilla life might not require re-examining such teachings,  but active submission can seem to .

  Things as basic as attitudes calling nudity, masturbation or other self-touching 'sinful acts',  can cripple full enjoyment, perhaps especially in online relationships where the Dom's hands and actions are of necessity carried out by the sub's hands. More intimate activites can be even more troubling to a sub raised in an  environment of sinful admonitions, such as perhaps in some girls' religious schools.  Yes, these can serve a limited good end to control a young girl's perhaps unwise early sexual explorings.  In later life, though, they can resurface to cripple what most in our community might consider as healthy sexual activities and satisfaction.

  I've encountered this often enough to not be surprised when, with a new partner,  these old fears of being 'bad' or of 'going to Hell' sooner or later need to be addressed together.  Often, the new sub is deliberately trying to overcome those early barriers, not realizing how deeply they are embedded.   Others are not fully aware of the subconscious barriers placed deeply in their minds.  When these issues arise, though,  it becomes the Dom's role to respect the power of those early church teachings, which might have been reinforced by parent or teen peers as well.

Working through this emotional minefield is never easy with such an emotionally scarred sub.  I hope I have helped come to a healthier place in most cases, but working alone, I'm never sure.

I'd much appreciate the reflections of subs who've faced these issues, about what was helpful to them in getting past them.

ps--

I have NO interest in discussing here any religion or its belief set or training practices--live and let live. All are entitled to whatever faith they may embrace. I only seek to better assist subs dealing with personal issues they must come to grips with as they explore in the D/s world.