Thoughts of an orphan

The Goddess is so powerful and so needed in today's world.

I have so much shit to deal with as a son of the patriarchy. So much bad karma, bad energy, resentment, shame, guilt and self loathing.some that I have put on other people, some that I have carried for decades in the secret dark places of my heart. We are talking BAGGAGE with a big B. Baggage is exhausting. No wonder I feel wiped out 

The Goddess can cleanse me of this bad energy.

I ask the Goddess to cleanse me of that bad energy.

And live again, as her joyful servant.

And so mote it be.

I feel lost today, drained of energy, our of alignment and out of sorts. 

I've just felt so tired this winter. All I want to do is crawl up onto a ball. I'm not happy. I feel like I want to be led, but there's no one leading me. Just me making all the decisions.

I'm not a strong person. I'm weak and afraid of the dark.

I am Jesus' horny brother.

As a man, my biggest source of shame is not being rich and successful. I feel like I've never advanced enough in my career or earned enough money, especially given the advantages I've enjoyed as a to straight white middle class male.

Today I was meditating and the thought came upon me:

I am ready to surrender completely to the Mother Goddess 

And I burst into tears.

Whenever I went to church and prayed for forgiveness of my sins, it was always forgiveness of sexual sin. Never anything but sex. I have never confessed anything but sex to a priest. Does the priest ever hear anything except masturbation, porn, adultery and pre marital sex, I wonder?! Does anyone ever think of sin as anything it sex?!

I remember being in church when I was about 15 and getting turned on by the ass of a girl sitting in the pew in front of me, and I thought, this is hopeless, I'm even tempted by sexual sin even as I pray...

Always masturbation and porn, it feels like those were the only sins I ever had.

Fortunately now my Goddess is the Goddess of Sex and She takes pleasure in every erection and every orgasm I ever have, for Her.

Femdom is so beautiful. Not just sexy or hot, but just deeply beautiful. I'm not talking about whips and chains and all that stuff, although of course it could include all that stuff.  For a man who is physically stronger to submit and surrender and be led by a woman who is an avatar of the Goddess... It's just so profoundly right, so in line with everything the Universe wants. I can't explain it, but I adore it.

My mother always tried to manipulate me into being what she wanted me to be, to be her emissary in the world, to carry out all her thwarted ego and ambitions, be ause she felt thwarted by her own patriarchal family. She never got to do anything so she wanted me to do it for her. But I never wanted to be her tool. So I spent my 20s running away, from her and from every other woman who I though wanted to trap and use me for her own egotistical ends... Not realising there were women who wanted to cherish me.

I am loved and desired by the Goddess.

I have been fantasising about being the live-in servant of a wealthy dominant woman. I would bring her breakfast, wash her clothes, clean her house, run errands for her. When her friends came round I would serve them drinks, be discreet when she had lovers to stay. As a reward she would let me curl up at her feet on quiet nights. As punishment for my mistakes there would be spankings. If I was really good she would let me out of my cock cage and let me pleasure myself before her. 

Idle fantasies!

My father was a very dominant, dominating alpha male. He used to shout at me and hit me and belittle and humiliate me. It took years for me to admit, standing by his graveside, that I hated him. It's true, I did hate him. I loved him in some ways and I know he loved me (although he had a funny way of showing it). But most of all I hated him, for what he did to little me.

When I grew up I had chronic problems with lack of self confidence and low self esteem. But having a father like that also meant I felt like to be a man, I had to be dom. To be sub was not manly. So I really struggled with my sub nature.

But actually it is manly to be a sub and I'm happy surrendering my sexuality and submitting  to the Goddess in all her sacred forms...

So fuck you, Dad! Fuck you.