Thoughts of an orphan

I am a son of the Patriarchy. I am white, male, straight, non-disabled, middle class. I was sent to a private school. I was expected to become a leader of men... Yet all through my twenties I drifted. I couldn't stick at a job, a relationship, a place. I wanted to be a writer but that never really worked. I felt like a flop. Yet whenever people criticised the Patriarchy, I felt honour bound to defend it, like they were criticising me.

I deeply desired and deeply resented powerful Women, and my own true nature as a submissive. Only now, slowly, by submitting to the Goddess, am I beginning to feel Whole.

Memory of long, long ago: being asked by a much more experienced and rather voracious woman whether I was top or bottom. And I said: top!

It was a lie of course. I'm a total sub. But back then, having a conversation with a woman in a bar in Manhattan, I felt I had to say I was top, that it would be "unmanly" to admit to being what I truly am. If I did that I was making myself vulnerable, laughable... 

How vulnerable and unsafe I felt! And I bet she could just sense it was a lie. I believe women always can tell 

Last night I reacquainted myself with the artwork of Sardax. I had forgotten how strange, bewitching and pleasure-giving his work can be. He has real skill as an artist and a real feeling for the Women he portrays. I also like the dense, woozy, unreal atmosphere of his pictures. They are naturalistic often, but then you get a shock. A particular favourite of mine is an Amsterdam style scene where a man is on his knees in a window, dressed in lingerie, obviously enslaved, and an attractive woman strides past, glancing in at him. Is she his wife, his tormentress, his soon-to-be owner? I love the ambiguity of it, as well as the sexual tension.

I think Sardax's Ladies are dark goddesses. I love how well he portrays Their classic beauty and glamour as They bestride, tantalise and torment Their men in stockings and stiletto heels. I love the way the men are always bound, rigid, yet simultaneously somehow melting like candles, their faces sickly with sin and submission. I love the cruel laughter of the Women as They torment and tease. Most of all I like the lingering uncertainty. Exactly what has happened, or is about to happen?. Thank you Sardax, from one subbie fan!

The old whore, religion,

The great religion, whoredom.

The divine priestess Jezebel,

The sky old fucker, Elijah.

The One True Light, Jesus

The inevitable downfall, Judas

The endless divine itch, penitence
The weekly ritual, masturbation.

The devout, inspiring sermon

The sex line whore talk,

The spray of semen,

The splash of Holy Water

The Black Mistress demands devotion

Black Madonna, pray for us.

My third sex magic ritual took place yesterday, at the time of the full moon. This time I used honey as a way of bringing forth the sweetness of sexual submission to the Goddess. When I masturbate as an act of worship, I also penetrate myself, which symbolises my need to open myself and receive the power of the Goddess and be her slave. I dab the finger that I have put inside myself with honey and taste it. It is all the sweeter. As I come for the Goddess I repeat my request to unite sex and spirit, sex and spirit. I also ask the Goddess to bring women into my life who will help me build the connection.

For the rest of the day I feel vulnerable, opened up, supersensitive to the Goddess around me.

I am going to rest now from these rituals.

I did another ritual today.  I try to stimulate all the senses, so have something to taste, smell, hear, as well as touching myself. I also use a visual stimulus of someone who for me embodies the Goddess. I mastubate in a circle of candlelight dedicated to the Goddess.  When I come, I am coming for Goddess and my intention is still to unite my spirit and my sex, my soul and my dick, in the Oneness of the Goddess. And then I cum and it's pretty f***ing powerful!!!

I kinda wonder if I should video myself doing this?

So I recently found out about sex magic and was very intrigued to try it. I have been struggling of late with th e mismatch I have between my sexual desires and my religious beliefs, to say nothing about my relationship which is important to me even though it's pretty damn barren fright now... So long story short I did a migical ritual today which involved bringing myself to orgasm while expressing the intention to bring my sexuality and my spirituality together. To end the conflict. To create unity. I don't know quite who my goddess is or where she is, yet, but I am working on it. The Goddess is  inside me. The Goddess is the universe. The goddess is a huge mother who will succour and support me.

Anyhow it was a big experience for me!

Anyone else have any experience with this? 

She comes to me as I lie waiting, eager, trembling, kisses me on the forehead and opens her blouse for me. The nipples are sweet and salty and wobble in my mouth, and then I latch on and suck down the warm, sweet milk, that is intoxicating and calming like wine, and she strokes my head and then rests her hand, gently cupping, on my cock until I am hard and then she wanks me slowly, so slowly as I suckle down the milk and rest my head in her lap...

Sometimes she lets me cum and othertimes she leaves me squirming with thwarted desire, or else orders that I worship her, toe to crotch, with my eager slavish tongue...

Like I say an idle fantasy...

Is there a connection between kink and spirituality? This desire we submissives have to surrender to Someone Greater? This desire to be taken over by something bigger? Can we expect miracles?!

Organised religion has (to me) elements of beauty but I feel it stifles my sexual energy. It demands I am either chaste (something which I have NEVER been able to do however hard I have tried) or be in a lifelong monogamous vanilla relationship, (which again I cannot do).

In the past I have signed up to someone else's sexual agenda because I have been so needy of their affirmation or just horny, or just ignorant of the options. God this makes me feel mad!

I am looking for a Mother but also a Goddess, someone who can be all powerful over me, give me what I want and need, protect me, and be loved totally and unconditionally by me. To be worshipped by me as my True Goddess. That is what I want!