Emma's Heart

I find myself feeling frustrated. I've had 3 dynamics in my life, all ended sooner than I expected them too. The grief was dealt with, yet I'm left with this question...

How do I change? 

When no definitive reason is given to me by one date wonders, other than "it won't work", I often wonder what I did wrong. Was it not putting out because he bought dinner? Was it because I refuse to give up my safe words? 

Honestly, I'll never know. 

I'll never know if there is some significant flaw I should correct, because nothing was shared. Communication just...stops. 

I know no one is obligated to give me a reason. I've done the same, but I try to explain the why. I'll never know because of the ghosting. 

It sends me spiraling into the why. If I just knew why...but I won't. 

I don't harass them or chase them for answers. I just fade into the background, when it took courage to step out of the shadows in the first place. That kind of courage doesn't come easily for me. 

I will have to reflect more. Learn more. Be more. 

Or not. 

Will I even know if I changed enough? 

I may never know.

✨🦋

I haven't been feeling myself today. 

I decided to head into the peace of nature. It's been awhile, several months at least. 

It was nice, heard the birds, the turtles swimming, frogs speaking, the sky reflecting off the water. 

A foliage tree cover which kept me cool. 

I walked a little over a mile. It's a start. It got my heart pumping. 

I felt peace. I felt welcomed home. 

There's just something magical about nature. I even found a heart rock. That is magical as well. 

It was a good day. 

My brain doesn't always want to shut down. 

It shifts. It picks up on things and I try so hard to not let it get to me. 

When things feel different, I have to take deep breaths to not hit panic or concerned mode. It's a struggle of epic depth for me. 

There are days I don't feel strong, but I feel lost. That is for me to figure out. It's my issue.

I'll always notice when something is off. 

I'll always notice the shifts around me. 

Sometimes, I feel that those shifts are telling me something but I'm not sure what. 

I'll just continue doing what I need to. It will ease for me soon enough. 

Flow with the shifts..

Today the package finally arrived.

58 years of life reduced to some childhood pictures, pictures of the kids when they were young, his wedding bands from our ended marriage, some books, his glasses, and car keys, and his mug.

All that is physically left of him, along with our memories.

My youngest son put on his dad's silver chain. He wore that chain since the day I met him 24 years ago. My son began to cry, sob..all I could do was to just hold him, and cry with him.

Some of his family hinted at helping us go back to Massachusetts but I'm not sure I want to. Mortality is becoming more real for them. For us.

Today will be a soft day for my heart. I dreaded this day, yet I will make it a positive.

His memory is a blessing. Always.

✨🦋

It will happen when it's meant to. 

My person will find me, and I will find him. 

He will see me for who I am, and appreciate all of me. 

He won't rush, and will cherish and respect me.

I will find him and cherish him.

I'll learn all about him and can't wait to spend time with him. 

It will be an exciting journey together. 

I will appreciate all of him. 

I won't rush, and I will cherish and respect him.

Time and patience matter. 

✨🦋

I was here several years ago and left for personal reasons. 

I decided to come back to see what changed and start over. A lot has happened since I was here last. Some good, some challenging. 

It's nice to be back and to be writing again. Art and literature have been a means to healing for me. I'm grateful for that. 

I have found a profound peace in my time away, and it's a blessing. 

I look forward to reading your blogs, and writing more in my own. 

Be amazing. 

✨🦋

Good morning my sweet self...

You are strong.

You are amazing.

You are beautiful. 

You are special.

You are precious in every way.

You have a generous heart...

Now love yourself.

Give yourself grace.

Keep smiling.

Keep that gratitude in your heart.

Keep no grudges.

Be happy for each person you meet.

Appreciate the blessings.

Grow from your lessons.

Be amazing for when your Dominant comes for you. 

Let everyone know how special they are.

Have a day as amazing as you are.

Love,

Me.

He was a part of my life for a long time. Father of my children. He is not gone from them yet, but today we did not get good news. 

My plans were thrown into uncertainty, and I want to scream into the void,  a black pit where the sound, as loud as it is to me, will not be heard to those around me.

Life is a gift and very precious. I cherish it. I have sons who are very confused and hurting today, and many decisions to make. 

I am strong, as always, but inside, I am literally collapsing. 

Cherish all your memories, if you can. Every memory becomes a beautiful blessing. Its all in how you choose to look at it. 

Perhaps I returned too soon. Perhaps I did not. I am not surprised at the life test. I should come with a warning label. 

Be blessed. Be love. Be kind. Be present. Just be your authentic, amazing self. 

Much love.

I am always stronger than I think, for I have survived everything so far. 

I just want to be truly free from that which holds me back. 

My fear, at times, of being truly me.

She fell.

Fallen angels do that.

Wings ablaze with the pain

Only she knew.

The moments

Now gone,

Because they were meant only

To be a beautiful lesson 

For her rising.

She no longer looks for those

From the past.

She no longer sees herself

As the unloved.

She is wanted by one

Who will find her one day,

And hold her tight 

As she is a Phoenix rising

Into the true submissive

She was always meant to be.