I made a stupid video last night and couldn't sleep, so I rewatched this film. I'm almost done with it, and then I'm going to try to catch up on some sleep. I relate heavily to the head factory engineer female who was a single mom. The whole story. And this Georgian Goga guy is sort of my ideal mate too. He's not pretentious, he can kick some ass, he protects women, is spontaneous and creative. Also, he can cook and is well-read and good with his hands. I'm not looking for my hilarious Gruzini Gosha, but if it's meant to be, that mf will find me. I'm done being a pick me for guys and it goes against my nature anyway.
In terms of the dollification, I am able to afford some extensions and a haircut right now, and then I have to give it a rest and focus on making money and fitness. Self-care does not come natural to me anymore, but I was better with it before I got into that terrible relationship. I had to make a lot of crazy ass sacrifices to build this small business that sustains me and my daughter now. I'm not mega successful, but I don't plan on stopping at all. When I was growing this business, I had three crappy outfits and couldn't afford a lot things I needed unless it happened to be at dollar tree. I do still sleep in the living room just like this woman in the film, but I have an office now. I used to skip meals. I love vegetables, but noodles were cheaper so I ate those. I couldn't afford the dentist. I have some minor medical conditions that I couldn't get proper treatment for. My car was always fucked up and a lot of times out of commission. I had two pairs of shoes. I still haven't been on a vacation since my twenties. I couldn't afford makeup or skincare or any of that. I did what I had to do to give my kid a proper life. I used to have to move constantly because I didn't have good enough credit to rent a permanent place. And the 600 dollar an hour lawyer fees for years because my ex was trying to fuck with me by filing several lawsuits to break me down psychologically for leverage. And losing my close family members at the same time and just focusing on protecting my mom and my daughter because I didn't want them to get mentally fucked up.
I still have no idea how I'm going to be happy in the silicon valley because it's very hard for me to afford the life I want. I am an academic and an intellectual woman who just wanted to be a homemaker. I really wish I could live somewhere else, but I can't until my kid turns 18. I had to become a whole small business person to become independent from my abusive ex. There were no accommodations made for neurodivergent professionals who didn't fit into office life, so I had to go harder and figure out another way. I'm so grateful for covid because society finally realized we don't have to be in these oppressive offices in order to create value. So I feel that there is way more opportunity in the world now and the future is brighter for autistic folk.
Tomorrow my job is to make a schedule for myself, goals, and a couple of lists. These are not things that I'm good at. I'm an INTP, lol. I don't want to give up on becoming a doll, so I'm not going to. It's just going to take better planning and more patience, not to mention way more time. I plan on making this year the best year of my life.
Here's the first part of the film if you are interested. The whole thing and many other soviet-era films are on youtube for free. I highly recommend them.
