Oh darlings, don’t you just hate it when you have to disavow the ignorant of their dearly cherished misconceptions?
Who the hell do I think I’m kidding, you all know I live for these moments!
Now come in close, it’s story time with Lady Kat! Everyone get comfy, this one has three absolute characters.
First we have a charming young person, politely doing their job and minding their business like any normal human being. Dressed appropriately for their job, nothing out of the normal range, wouldn’t have been mentioned if not for me.
We’ve mentioned before that Lady Kat here is hard of hearing. So when my father offered to take me to lunch while we were running our errands, when we got to the restaurant the server was wearing a mask. This isn’t mandatory but a lot of people in my area who work good service or at the schools tend to still wear them. Well this young person was rather soft spoken, and I asked them to just speak up as I’ve not had even my usual poor hearing in a week.
They couldn’t do that, and my father piped up that I can read lips if that helped. They nodded and pulled off their mask. This is where the other two players in todays performance enter.
We shall call them, Busybody and Combover. Busybody was the type of woman who still wears enough hairspray daily to account for the hole in the ozone layer and has a “Live Laugh Love” decoration in at least three rooms of her home. Combover obviously married her out of some demented obligation before they finished college and looks at young women just a bit too long when Busybody isn’t looking. Both have serious issues with facial piercings as we shall soon witness.
The server had both a septum piercing as well as a labret. I also have a labret piercing. This becomes a feature of our tale.
Approximately 32 seconds after they removed their mask to speak to me, Busybody begins spluttering about “unprofessional” and other bullshit. Combover begins snapping, actually snapping, at the server.
The kid turns bright red and tries to signal them they’d be with them in a moment, as we’d just started to order.
Cue more snapping and hugging. My father started to get anxious. He knows me you see?
I put in my order for the salad on special, a lovely Caesar with grilled salmon, fantastic really. Then stood and turned to the couple who were haranguing the server.
Now I’m not a purposefully antagonistic person, but some things set me off and the full force of my personality comes out. My father knows that look, and usually he takes steps to avoid the blast radius.
Today he motioned the server away, and the poor kid scurried over afraid another tirade was waiting for them at our table. Dad just smiled at them kindly and told them to enjoy the show.
I waved the older lady at the front of the restaurant over, knowing exactly who she is. You see that’s the benefit of having such a social family, that enjoys dining out, so the managers and owners of these small family restaurants we love so much? We recognize all of them. And wouldn’t you know it, they know us too.
As Combover starts blustering at me, loud enough for not only me to hear, but the rest of the restaurant, the owner makes her way over. The look on her face as thunderous as my mood.
I informed Busybody that being rude is not in-fact their right as a customer, and the hairspray hoarder looked aghast I’d spoken to her over her ill mannered companion. He started trying to speak over me, poor dear, and seemed surprised when I ignored him entirely only increasing my volume speaking to his dining partner.
This went on for the three or so minutes until the owner got to us, her knees are what they used to be and I honestly think she was enjoying the show. The server was looking between the rude couple and me and their boss, my father was resigned this was happening.
Finally Busybody can’t take the volume, or perhaps was embarrassed, and asks me why I’m ignoring the lout with her.
“Because men who behave so ignorantly out in public don’t have anything to say I care to listen to”
By this time the owner was with us, greeting me and my father with a smile that blew the wind right out of Combover’s sails.
He still had the audacity to demand the server remove their jewelry at work, calling it unprofessional and claiming I was being antagonistic and rude as well and be made to leave.
To her credit she didn’t laugh out loud. I did, the server sniggered, even Dad let out a chuckle.
The server is the owner’s grandchild. She paid for the piercings. The chances she’d enforce such a moronic idea is laughable. Busybody was already embarrassed, Combover seemed to think I’d still be possible to remove.
Nope.
I’ve done multiple watercolors for not only their restaurant, but my last portrait was of the same grandchild for their grandparents forty-fifth anniversary. I was commissioned by their eldest daughter, who went to school with my mother. Don’t you just love small towns?
