Sun’s Disposition on This & Future Days

So I’m laying on my bed late at night thinking, as I normally tend to do when I forget to take my meds, of the type of submissive I am, and what I would like to grow towards. What kind of dom would be my goldilocks that fits me “just right” in order for me to achieve this?

Looking up various types to give myself a refresher, I do a little self analysis. I can’t have full-time TPE nor can I do a full on 24/7  submissiveness simply because I still have my own responsibilities to contend with like working, trying to build a business, and being supportive of my daughter, who is going into college.

Is there even a name for a type of submissive that matches the following as well as above? So as soon as you come into the home, go out with your dom, and submissive to the requests that your dom makes except within the negotiated areas?

I like the idea of having a nurturing and encouraging daddy dom (I would be a middle to possibly on the young side of teen, basically between 10 and 15-ish), because I tend to  act very youthful. I like self-improvement, and rules and structure that come with to balance it. Even with all the crazy that’s happened in my life, I still have a lot that I’m very innocent and naïve about especially sexually. I’ve even read in several places that age play, to an extent, can be therapeutic. Throw in a little sensualist dom because it’s nice to have all of your senses played with. A dash of classic dom, and finish with a little primal dom. Take what is yours! Waaalaaaa

Lol I don’t think I’ll ever get the “just right” but I’m hoping to get at least close. Am I getting my hopes up too high?

Further, is it true that when you are a submissive that a major part is about you giving pleasure anytime he wants it, but you are not really on the receiving end? I have read this a few times that it is often done, and it concerned me a little.

Oh yes, I definitely wouldn’t mind doing things to please my dom, but I don’t want to become celibate in the meantime. For me, it is not a well rounded dynamic with only one sided sexual pleasure.

Also, I just wanna put it out there that I am clawing my way back to get right side up again. I’m a strong girl, so I know I’ll eventually get there.

Having a really rough time of it the last few days. Trying to set myself straight. 

My therapist asked me if I notice that I start putting space between my heart and partners too soon, so I can hurt a little less when the split actually happens?  What I’ve had to do throughout my life to stay sane. Once I see they no longer notice me, or what I have given up for them. When they are disgusted and will not accept every part of me just  the favorable parts. When I have worked my hardest, but it’s obvious they will eventually leave once I’m no longer of use.

Life is hard, no one can deny that.

Trying to be fair in a world that’s overwhelmingly not fair. Trying to build people up as they tear you down. Trying to build yourself up while you are constantly breaking yourself down. Telling yourself that you are enough for the right person, but you stop believing at times because you only see and hear actions of the people around you who re-enforce that negative emotion. Is it no wonder the darkness wins time and again?

Being alone in the world when you just want to fit somewhere, to be that puzzle piece that fits perfectly with someone let alone within your own skin. Trying to be optimistic in a world that is constantly drowning you with pessimism and negativity. How does your psyche combat the loneliness that you feel even when you have people all around you?

I don’t know…

How do you stave off depression when you’re lost, without a map, and there’s no one to guide you back? You have been here before, and you’ve gotten back time and time again.  The climb out of that deep crag almost mind numbingly shreds and scars you with each step up.  How is it that your mind blanks every time you fall into that abyss again? Why can’t you remember those damn footholds so you can rise up quicker and easier than before?
I don’t know…

I’ve learned that being hurt repeatedly gets old real fast. How do you get someone to love you in spite of your past? How do you get someone to love you, even if you grow into a slightly new person in the future? How do you get someone to accept you as you are in the present? Maybe it’s when you love yourself, but what happens when you have doubts about yourself?

I don’t know…

While I look up at my ceiling, thoughts wriggle in and out of my brain and my heart is heavy. I’m thankful for the good things in my life. While I wasn’t at the time, I am thankful of the lessons that I learned through abuse of one kind or another. I try really hard to look at things and people in a positive light.

The sun rises each day just as your pain will ebb eventually.  I’ve learned as a people pleaser, and an empathic chameleon, not all people are going to like or accept me no matter how many times I say yes to their needed favors. Not all people will appreciate me knowing how they feel before they’re ready to admit how they feel to themselves. Not all people will appreciate me for just being the sweet, silly, OCD, emotional overflowing bucket of me. I want to be cared for and loved just because I am who I am, taboo interests and all. When I show loyalty, I want loyalty in return. When I show trust, love, and honesty, is it too much to ask in return?

When I was working at an vendor event, I was helping a lady choose what type of product she wanted. And when we got to talking about things like we do around the house and just in life in general. We both found that we are kind of what they call “Jack of all trades”. We knew a little bit about fixing or rigging a ton of stuff. Then she called it. “You used to be poor didn’t you?“  she shocked me simply because she was right.

I wasn’t just poor, I was dirt poor. My family lived in the ghetto since I was around 6-7 yrs. Growing up poor, there were several times where we didn’t have electricity, or our heating bill wasn’t paid. We couldn’t really pay for somebody to come fix something, so we had to figure it out ourselves. nowadays, that doesn’t seem like it would be as hard because we have Google and YouTube, but growing up in the 80s and 90s we couldn’t do that.

Is there anyone out there that is a “jack of all trades” that was not poor? Maybe you know how to change the oil in your car, hooking up a waterline or installing an electrical socket. There was a whole lot of reverse engineering and having to put screws and pieces all in the order that you took them out.

My thought process was if you had money , you would just pay for the professionals to do it. You don’t ask for a janitor to make a rocket ship.

I learned many things, one being, that I am very claustrophobic.  I was the only small person in the house so guess who was sent in under the house to fix a leaking pipe? Mwah. It was one of the worst experiences I swear. I did finally get to the leaking pipe and fixed it, but I got stuck. They had to get some other kids to link in and drag me out. By the time I got out, I almost fainted due to hyperventilation and crying. I never ever went under the house again, even under the threat of punishment.

Do you guys have anything like that? Situations you had to learn because you were poor not just because you were interested in it. Were there certain things that your family, even though you were well-off, still did yourselves?

Contracts?

Is this something that only a hardcore kinkster would bring up, maybe someone in the middle? Is there no rhyme or reason to those who want contracts and those who will not?

When I initially started my journey into BDSM, a lot of the research that I looked into spoke of contracts. These contracts seem to help protect both/multiple parties to make sure that rules and limits are respected, no one is slandered, or outed.

For instance, there will be legal recourse if a partner that decides they want to mess up their ex-partner’s life by outing him/her/they to important business partners. It could also set into standard how a master may allow slave to keep a certain % of their check or even hard limits.

This seems like it would be really useful tool that people in kink would want to take advantage of. Right? But I rarely hear anything about it, why?

Is this similar to back in the day when asking if somebody had a condom was seen as prudish because “God forbid I can  just pull out 😓”

Like you want to ask for a contract, but you don’t want to be the one to seem “prudish” for doing so? Is this something that should be expected when people get a little closer to being within a relationship? Online relationships included?

So, what’s the deal with contracts, and why don’t I see/hear anyone really talking about them?

My experiences on here are important memories and lessons for me to keep close. You may have thought you had a great hand, then you sigh deeply, because you remember you don’t know how to play cards yet. When you finally learn how to, you are givin a hand that sucks ass and makes you cry. It’s a big fat reminder that you can’t always win with the hand you been dealt. Have to try, and try, and try (could go on, but I’m sure you get the point) again and hope eventually for a better hand.

I will try hard to find a better match, THE BEST EVER gosh dang it! I got really lucky, sorta, and then lost it in sunny fashion my first time out into the BDSM puddle (cue car/the word “relationship”  explosion in the background that is 10 times bigger than it should be). I’m sure it’ll take another bazillion tries to get someone who will match me even better, so gotta keep my chin up.

So funny, I heard a different version of “life is a bitch, and then you die”. I guess when you’re out there, trying to find the right guy, especially in bdsm, and all the bad jerk guys are coming around just hurting you and tearing you down, she says “life’s a bitch, and then you turn into one”.

Lol I love it, but hoping I don’t get that far off the ledge.Bitch me is an unpleasant me, and I really dislike being within that emotional turmoil.

Also, I feel stupid when I have looked at a profile, and I didn’t notice any red flags, so I tend to blame myself when things go south real fast.

Are you guys able to name some things that you know, or maybe you’ve seen some things repeatedly and you just know how it’s gonna go? What to stay away from?  What do you guys feel about out of the country partners?

I remember back in college we were talking about the Aztecs. One of the coolest things, that was not to cool for the person who did it, was bloodletting. I guess this is only done by people that held clout. Instead of fighting and killing someone like the lowly ppl did, these people would take a vine, with orange, pierce their tongue, and run the vine through that hole in their tongue. 

Seriously, how did they come up with that? Where do rituals come from?
“Well we always did it this way?”  Or

“we are going to make some laws, and your going to shut up because I make it laws.” 

I won’t be doing these everyday but for now, your stuck readin mwhahahahaha.

Hey guys, today, I’m feeling a bit thankful.

i want to explain why you should be learning and growing, by using my own reflections as an example. why? In my droves of experience (maybe a drove or -2), I have to remind myself often that i don’t know everything,  and that’s true for everyone, so just cut people some slack and communicate.

I read a man’s profile, and he was explaining exactly what a dominant man should be like. He gave examples of what to look for in a good one, and what to look for in one that is looking for the wrong things.

it opened my eyes, big time.  As far as I could tell, it was legit based on the research I have done. It was just the way it was written that made it click for me. I’m thankful for this gentleman’s profile.

While reading what a dominant man should be, in a backwards kinda way, I realized that I needed improvement on myself. I mean, I always feel the need to improve myself that’s part of who I am, but now I realize which area I should work on.  

The little things that I want upfront from a possible Dom could appear as too eager just as it would appear with a Dom doing similar things. On the other hand a good man may take his time before even handing out any type of order because it’s about trust before expectations.

I do wonder if a real dominant will consider a sub who wants tiny tasks right away, or do they see a sub being too eager, too needy, too troublesome, or just plain exhausting? To push farther though, does this mean that this particular Dom wouldn’t be able to handle me in real life?

I can always admit I’m wrong, not in the middle of an argument sometimes, but that’s besides the point. I am here to say I think I was going about things the wrong way.

Admittedly I may be eager for the information. This does not mean that I want to jump straight into a full-on collared relationship right then and there. Yes, I do want a serious relationship, yes, I do want long-term and mostly 24/7, so if I see someone that is just looking for a plaything, I ignore it because it has no chance of going anywhere.

I just need to know where I stand, if we made it somewhere, would the Dom be able to handle me in the future. Are there future plans for the right one (which may not be me). I think this way about most things not just relationships.

For example, if I make these brownies that I know are delicious, knowing myself, would I share or would I eat them all? (then I go through the process of what happens in each situation.) well, if I chose to eat them all, that’s a gazillion calories, and I may earn myself a stomach ache. If I choose to share them, I won’t get as much as I want, but I may be making others happy and eating only a million calories.

I could ask many more questions but I’ll save you some brain cells. 

Unfortunately, I am not a fly by the seat of my pants kind of gal even if I do want some adventure and to try new things. I need a solid bridge to bungee jump from if I don’t want to break my neck. I need to have details and organized at that. I try to be super efficient in many things that I do because honestly that’s just who I am.

Further, sometimes I just need clear boundaries that are set forth, because otherwise, I don’t know any better. I can’t play the game if I don’t know the rules. Boundaries like only text once a day, or if i ask a question, maybe it should be formatted a certain way. See? Nothing big, but is it the same as being too needy?

I want to be a good sub for a good Dom. How do I do that? I find someone who can help. 

hook me up with any feedback please? 

In thought today on past fails and a hurt that stood out that nearly broke my heart. I wrote a poem, let me know what you think. I lost someone I thought cared for me… he waited a several months online with me, we were talking a lot. Then one time in irl. He did what he needed to do and ghosted. Happens way too much especially in bdsm. These things effect how we see our future. 

I was in a dark place then, and I was so unsure if I was going to make it out the other side.

I’m sharing because some of you may be in the same boat, and I want you to know that I made it to the other side of that horrible time and my color is no longer bleeding. You can do it too.

The sound of rain patters on the ledge occasionally catching my toes in its playful dance with the wind.

The wind gently pulls at the hem of my dress, and kisses my skin with chilly, but soft lips. I sit five stories up listening to the world with loneliness as my only friend.

I see dark blue grey skies contrasted by the countless lights of the city and its' people. Do they still believe in love and fate? Do they still believe there is goodness is this world?

The cars splash in puddles as they zoom on by, owners oblivious to everything, only worried of being late.

I wonder if they see the world in black and white, or in shades of color?

Color represents a life filled with love, curiosity, laughter, reflection, and the will to be brave and follow the decisions of the heart. The will not to settle and to always keep trying.

Striving to look at the glass as half full. Striving to show faith because God has a plan. Striving to live.

Black and white represents the rut of routine, which is not bad in itself, but when one decides they do not deserve better; vision darkens and color bleeds.

A life in which the heart is locked up; the courage to face the pain of rejection overwhelms the possibility of happiness and laughter; vision darkens and color bleeds.

Smothering negative emotions that leads to either a lack of feeling anything at all, or feeling the burn of every emotion magnified; vision darkens and color bleeds.

At this particular moment I'm fighting for the color I have obtained, but as time passes, I weaken; my vision darkens and the color bleeds.

I will continue to fight, but this is no easy task. It's a daily struggle to keep my vision from darkening. To keep seeing the glass as half full. To keep my heart beating.

I try to believe the world is in color. I just need to try harder. Right?

I try to believe love and happiness is a possibility for me. The right one is out there. Right?

I try to stay curious and brave. I will not build my towers any higher. I will not allow my soul to be dragged down to the pits of cynicism and negativity. Right?

I am trying, but my vision darkens and the color bleeds.

Depending on the day I’m having, my thoughts will point to good day, meh day, or thumbs down douchbagery day. I’ve put out my feelings, and then I change them with no one the wiser. I change it often when emotion hits me.

Then I thought 💡I should create a blog? The blog from newbie sun, expressing all the little things in her heart, but obviously with anonymous people, so here I am. Lol no perfect grammar needed, YES! I write how I talk. 

Dude, apparently big beards are in. I wish I liked them. I like them trimmed up short. What is it about the beards that gives them a round in the rotation of popular? What gives the clean shaven get their day in the sun? It’s kind of like style of clothes, what gave certain designs the permanent position in the rotation? We mere humans may never know, but in case, if you do, drop the tea. Do you have a favorite?