There are voids everywhere.
We amble amidst the voids daily. We work within them. We navigate around them. We plan the activities in our lives in order to avoid them.
There are voids of emotion, voids of financial means, voids of attention, and voids of accomplishments, and health, and so many others. For the darker among us, there are voids of self-worth and self-respect. There are voids with a continual absence of love or those with a perpetual presence of emptiness. For the truly unfortunate, there are voids of discipline, leading them to an unironic emptiness filled with addiction and self-harm.
If we are lucky, our voids are nothing more than tiny swirling eddies of social inconveniences. If we are misfortunate, then we find ourselves living directly within the voids - our voices unable to reach the outer edges and with no hands reaching in to help. When my mother was dying of cancer, she said that there are voids like black holes right in front of each of us, sucking everything into it, and that we never sense them until the end, when only then do we realize the futility of all our life's choices.
There is an abnormality about me: I switch.
This in itself is not abnormal. But for me, I have been switching in the void for decades and I have become a contorted and pathetic version of that which should have made me more universal and more desirable to many.
My kindliness and respectful demeanor, my comely looks, along with my diminutive stature of 5' 6" has left me in an unwanted void when it comes to my affinity to dominate and control submissive women. And my avoidance of lifestyle events makes me equally undesirable to many women. To compensate, I have introduced aspects of BDSM into each and every one of my vanilla relationships. But since none of my partners have ever been into this lifestyle, my actions have always eroded, corrupted, and destroyed these otherwise healthy and wholesome relationships. So now, I pretend that my dominant desires don't exist as I coo and cuddle with my lover... all the while swimming in the void behind my eyelids, when the lights are out, and she has fallen asleep.
The other abnormality about me is that I have lived for decades with deep submissive and subservient desires but have yet to actually serve anyone, besides an occasional meetup or fetish escort when I become too desperate to resist the urges. To this day, I remain without instruction, un-tapped, un-exploited, and un-collared... always seeking someone to train and own me, yet having to learn this lifestyle completely by myself, alone with myself, learning to safely self-rig, self-punish, and serve as both a master and a slave to myself.
Despite the lack of an owner and the lack of training, I often find myself obedient to online strangers, immediately falling into third person slave speak on command, exploiting and debasing myself for the pleasure of others, and maintaining daily salutations and honorifics to unknown online women whenever they ask, without ever meeting them.
I am not normal because I have been reduced to humility and subservience not through training... but instead through the absence of anyone wanting me.
I have been switching in the void for what seems like an eternity.