My Castle Vault

Full moon has had it's way with me.  

i have not felt this vivid and colourful in a very long time.

i have not felt this strong, beautiful and confident in a very long time.

i have not felt this comfortable in my own submissive nature; in the vulnerability, and raw emotional .... need of it.

Needs.

i am not ashamed of needing.

That is a huge deal.

Today, i feel like i can strut around naked and not give a damn about what anyone thinks.

Because i know where those who's thoughts matter stand.

Needs.

Intensity.

Skin.

Hands.

Words.

Raw, unfiltered, unfettered in the best ways.

Wrap me up in it, let it envelop me entirely.

Let me drown in You.

Let me let it all go.

Oblivion.

Silence.

Peace.

You.

So, today was a self-care day.  i was feeling off-centered and so the focus was on self, and not on stressors. 

Nails and hair, were the self-care tasks for today.

For the first time in a long time, i took really genuine serious time to do my nails.  Generally i rush through them to get them done enough to suffice.  Not today.  Today it was on my task list. 

my first thought:  "They have to be perfect."

This is something i struggle with.  So, i took a deep mental breath, and repeated something that i have been doing for a little while now.

"It does not have to be perfect in result, what it has to be--is done to the best of my ability with the energy, focus, and time that i have to devote to it."

i devoted my time and focus, and the result is happy making.

Holy hell.  It's been a year now!  How this year has changed my life... I am so much better of a person for all of the connections I have made here, and the things that I have learned.  So, I raise a glass to the connections that I have made, and pour a little out for the ones that have come and gone.  Thank all of you for being supportive, and sassy, and making this a lovely place to be.  <3!

Paraphrase from a viral video i came across:  I don't want anymore: Autistic Burnout and Functional Freeze

Growing up I was taught in order to get the things that I wanted, I had to do things that I did not want to do.  So much time spent on doing things that I did not want to do, to get the things that I did want.  Now, I don't want anything.  Wanting means I have to do things that I don't want to do.  I know what I don't want... that is easy.  I don't know what I want anymore.  Every path I take seems to be littered with shit I don't wanna do, and I can't find what I want anymore.

The intensity in which i identified with this clip when i had come across it, punched me in the gut so hard it physically took my breath away.  i am so exhausted with forcing myself to do all of the shit that brings me sadness, and pain, and frustration, and depression, and all the shitty feelings.... for what?  Like, i can't see the point right now.  The payoff doesn't come near the ick that i would have to invest, because i can't want something reasonable anymore.  i can have super unrealistic fantasies that aren't humanly possible... but to set a realistic goal, or want or desire?  i'm fucking burned out.  Gas tank has been on e for years, and i done burnt up the last of the fumes; and i don't have the first clue how to refill it.  You know why? Cause i don't want to.  Cause i don't want to do all the bullshit miserable crap that is required for wanting anything.

i'm hormonal, and i don't know where else to fucking vent.  Maybe this is temporary, but it feels like the opposite, the few times i brave the energy to want something... those are the times that feel like temporary insanity.  Usually when i rant like this i do some research and put some rationale and logic to the drivel.  i just needed to purge this shit out into the world.  So, sorry, and thank you for reading.  Maybe when i feel less angry? Frustrated? What is the emotion that is energized hopeless?  i don't know, feelings are stupid and hard.  i don't want them either to be fair.  

I have a picture for you lovely girly-pops to consider. 

This ‘scene’ is a full day affair.  I am not writing this out as a story, I want your imaginations to fill in the blanks where necessary. 

We meet up for breakfast, dressed in casual clothes, comfy and chill.  Food and coffee (or caffeine delivery system of choice).  I order your food for you (though we already discussed what you do and do not like for all of your meals), and we chitchat while I shift from zombie mode to something more human.  

Next is pedicures (if that is a cool thing with you, otherwise you can let me fuss over you and caress your hand and fawn on you while I get my pedicure) 
After the pedicure, we drive up to the cabin.  It’s a simple thing, a large common area (with a fireplace, which is lit cause it’s chilly in the fall), small kitchenette, large bathroom and a sleeping room. 

I lead you into the bathroom, and start the bathwater; while the tub is filling, I take the time to undress you slowly, for the bath I am going to give you once the water is ready for you.  I touch and caress your skin gently after each clothing article is removed too, my media deserves the affection and attention.  Full bath treatment follows.  Hair washed, scalp massaged, body cleansed and smoothed.  Afterwards, rubbed down and lotion applied. 

You relaxed yet?  I hope so.   

After all of that prep-work is done, you get wrapped up in a soft fluffy towel and set down on a comfy bean-bag sofa while I tend to your hair.  I might curl it, straighten it, braids, pigtails... Whatever fits the image of the art I intend to turn you into.   

Do you like to be talked to during my artistic workings? 
Do you want less talk and more tunes?  
Or maybe not talked to, but talked at? 

Lunch is likely next.  Something neat and easily fed to you, we cannot be messy before the make-up phase you know. 

Then make-up!  Proper facial care first of course, because that is very important for a good work of art.  I like a softer look most of the time, but a good goth or sparkle-pop look is fun too.  Whatever I am feeling at the moment, but you just have to sit there and let me make you my work of art.  (And tell me when you need a sips, cause gotta keep my girly-pop hydrated) 

Clothing, or maybe not clothing?  Jewelry too.  All curated just for you and this night.  I take my time fussing over all of the little details. 

Last thing is to pose my work of art.   Photos are awesome, but optional.  I stare at your beauty and heap loads of praise and affection on how good you have sat for me, posed for me, how lovely you wear my work. 

Poses change, in the common area, in the sleeping area.  Standing in front of the fireplace with the fire crackling behind you...  Possibilities are many. 

We share dinner.  I might feed you that meal too.  

The process in reverse then:  I undress you again.  Gently take your make-up off.  Manage your hair into something that would be comfy to sleep in.  Comfy clothes.  Hot cocoa/tea (snacks of course), and a movie to cuddle to.