My Castle Vault

[For context, this was written in mid October, and I needed it to sit for a little while.]

You really are a right bastard. 

Tonight's sunset made me cry.

Rude Radio, memories, and the anger at the things i can't actually share.  Today was raw and messy, and i fucking hate that.  You have made me cry more times than any other man has; and you never got to see or feel that.  You never got to hold me in your lap like that.  We missed our future.  We missed our future because of decisions you made unilaterally.  I'm high and easily unfocused tonight, but I needed to say fuck you.  For the first time I was actually mad AT you instead of mad at the world or elsewhere I decided to place the blame. 

This is going to sit in my drafts for a little while, like the last one.  

In my world, the phrase “Where did November go?”  has been repeated a lot. 

I lost it.

November got lost to the world inside my head, because reality was just too hard; too harsh; and too much.  I did a lot of crying, yelling, and hiding from everyone and every thing.

I did a lot of healing.

I got obsessed with some new music.

I still work at the Park, but now I am in a little apartment instead of a dorm room.  I have a sofa and a TV… and a stove/oven! I can cook real food again.

I’m not quite ready to people publicly yet.  I still have lost myself; not quite sure who I am right now, and that … that’s dangerous; raw and vulnerable in a way that is painful and open to manipulation and abuse.

I miss my people though, and even if I am unable to check in… I do think about yous.

<3 ^.^

~~Savage~~

I always refused to close my inbox, as i was always one to say, “hey, my door is open, i want to help.”  

I am so disappointed in the amount of messages i have gotten this week with varying degrees of “you need a Dom now right?”  (There are not a lot, but ffs, even one is too many after something like this)

For a little while, i think i am closing it up.  I just can’t deal with these dipsticks right now.

We have walked this path before.  

Knowing that, does not lessen the pain.

Understanding though, at least makes the pain bearable.

Knowing that, does not lessen the fear.

Echoes of the past collide with dreams of a future.

‘A’ future I say now, not ‘the’ future.

I thought I knew where the future was going.

I forgot what kind of force the Hurricane can wrought.

The eye moved suddenly, there was little warning.

We all did the best we could to protect ourselves.

We’ll sort it all out when the waves stop crashing against us.

The storm will pass us by, we have weathered it before.