My Castle Vault

“She may not have said it perfectly, but she didn’t just make up the damage”

 

I was scrolling my feeds like I generally do while I am consuming my morning person potion. (Monster Ultra), and came across a skit with two dudes talking about how dude 1’s wife finally flipped shit when she got done being nice about being treated like crap.  The quote above is from dude 2, who if I was more awake, might actually think is a therapist.  (Eh, might not be relevant, but I have not finished my person potion yet)

I want to showcase this quote though, for everyone and anyone that has been in this position, where you have been trying softly to communicate the damage someone is doing to you, and you just can’t anymore, and you snap.

Later, when the initial rage cools, and the other person is vilifying your reaction.. shift the comment.

”Look, I might not have said it perfectly, that’s on me, but that doesn’t negate the damage you have done, and are doing to me.”

 

It’s hard sometimes to get someone to see the damage they are doing.

You are worth the effort, your peace is worth fighting for, even if that fight is to escape what is causing conflict.

Brave or stupid, imma open my mailbox up for a bit. 

Ask me anything, don’t be rude or gross!

send your question to my inbox, or hop into chat and ask to DM me there!

If anyone tells you that you don't need limits, FUCKING RUN!

That is the biggest red flag someone can fucking tell you.

I crawled out of my cave to reiterate this.

When I see that shit it makes me angry for the newbies that don't know better.  It makes me not only angry but TERRIFIED.

I was used like this.  I know what it does, and it pains me that this shit still flies.

I'm angry and I am worried.

Please, please, please don't let someone convince you, that your safety doesn't fucking matter.

[For context, this was written in mid October, and I needed it to sit for a little while.]

You really are a right bastard. 

Tonight's sunset made me cry.

Rude Radio, memories, and the anger at the things i can't actually share.  Today was raw and messy, and i fucking hate that.  You have made me cry more times than any other man has; and you never got to see or feel that.  You never got to hold me in your lap like that.  We missed our future.  We missed our future because of decisions you made unilaterally.  I'm high and easily unfocused tonight, but I needed to say fuck you.  For the first time I was actually mad AT you instead of mad at the world or elsewhere I decided to place the blame. 

This is going to sit in my drafts for a little while, like the last one.  

In my world, the phrase “Where did November go?”  has been repeated a lot. 

I lost it.

November got lost to the world inside my head, because reality was just too hard; too harsh; and too much.  I did a lot of crying, yelling, and hiding from everyone and every thing.

I did a lot of healing.

I got obsessed with some new music.

I still work at the Park, but now I am in a little apartment instead of a dorm room.  I have a sofa and a TV… and a stove/oven! I can cook real food again.

I’m not quite ready to people publicly yet.  I still have lost myself; not quite sure who I am right now, and that … that’s dangerous; raw and vulnerable in a way that is painful and open to manipulation and abuse.

I miss my people though, and even if I am unable to check in… I do think about yous.

<3 ^.^

~~Savage~~

I always refused to close my inbox, as i was always one to say, “hey, my door is open, i want to help.”  

I am so disappointed in the amount of messages i have gotten this week with varying degrees of “you need a Dom now right?”  (There are not a lot, but ffs, even one is too many after something like this)

For a little while, i think i am closing it up.  I just can’t deal with these dipsticks right now.