My Castle Vault

Paraphrase from a viral video i came across:  I don't want anymore: Autistic Burnout and Functional Freeze

Growing up I was taught in order to get the things that I wanted, I had to do things that I did not want to do.  So much time spent on doing things that I did not want to do, to get the things that I did want.  Now, I don't want anything.  Wanting means I have to do things that I don't want to do.  I know what I don't want... that is easy.  I don't know what I want anymore.  Every path I take seems to be littered with shit I don't wanna do, and I can't find what I want anymore.

The intensity in which i identified with this clip when i had come across it, punched me in the gut so hard it physically took my breath away.  i am so exhausted with forcing myself to do all of the shit that brings me sadness, and pain, and frustration, and depression, and all the shitty feelings.... for what?  Like, i can't see the point right now.  The payoff doesn't come near the ick that i would have to invest, because i can't want something reasonable anymore.  i can have super unrealistic fantasies that aren't humanly possible... but to set a realistic goal, or want or desire?  i'm fucking burned out.  Gas tank has been on e for years, and i done burnt up the last of the fumes; and i don't have the first clue how to refill it.  You know why? Cause i don't want to.  Cause i don't want to do all the bullshit miserable crap that is required for wanting anything.

i'm hormonal, and i don't know where else to fucking vent.  Maybe this is temporary, but it feels like the opposite, the few times i brave the energy to want something... those are the times that feel like temporary insanity.  Usually when i rant like this i do some research and put some rationale and logic to the drivel.  i just needed to purge this shit out into the world.  So, sorry, and thank you for reading.  Maybe when i feel less angry? Frustrated? What is the emotion that is energized hopeless?  i don't know, feelings are stupid and hard.  i don't want them either to be fair.  

I have a picture for you lovely girly-pops to consider. 

This ‘scene’ is a full day affair.  I am not writing this out as a story, I want your imaginations to fill in the blanks where necessary. 

We meet up for breakfast, dressed in casual clothes, comfy and chill.  Food and coffee (or caffeine delivery system of choice).  I order your food for you (though we already discussed what you do and do not like for all of your meals), and we chitchat while I shift from zombie mode to something more human.  

Next is pedicures (if that is a cool thing with you, otherwise you can let me fuss over you and caress your hand and fawn on you while I get my pedicure) 
After the pedicure, we drive up to the cabin.  It’s a simple thing, a large common area (with a fireplace, which is lit cause it’s chilly in the fall), small kitchenette, large bathroom and a sleeping room. 

I lead you into the bathroom, and start the bathwater; while the tub is filling, I take the time to undress you slowly, for the bath I am going to give you once the water is ready for you.  I touch and caress your skin gently after each clothing article is removed too, my media deserves the affection and attention.  Full bath treatment follows.  Hair washed, scalp massaged, body cleansed and smoothed.  Afterwards, rubbed down and lotion applied. 

You relaxed yet?  I hope so.   

After all of that prep-work is done, you get wrapped up in a soft fluffy towel and set down on a comfy bean-bag sofa while I tend to your hair.  I might curl it, straighten it, braids, pigtails... Whatever fits the image of the art I intend to turn you into.   

Do you like to be talked to during my artistic workings? 
Do you want less talk and more tunes?  
Or maybe not talked to, but talked at? 

Lunch is likely next.  Something neat and easily fed to you, we cannot be messy before the make-up phase you know. 

Then make-up!  Proper facial care first of course, because that is very important for a good work of art.  I like a softer look most of the time, but a good goth or sparkle-pop look is fun too.  Whatever I am feeling at the moment, but you just have to sit there and let me make you my work of art.  (And tell me when you need a sips, cause gotta keep my girly-pop hydrated) 

Clothing, or maybe not clothing?  Jewelry too.  All curated just for you and this night.  I take my time fussing over all of the little details. 

Last thing is to pose my work of art.   Photos are awesome, but optional.  I stare at your beauty and heap loads of praise and affection on how good you have sat for me, posed for me, how lovely you wear my work. 

Poses change, in the common area, in the sleeping area.  Standing in front of the fireplace with the fire crackling behind you...  Possibilities are many. 

We share dinner.  I might feed you that meal too.  

The process in reverse then:  I undress you again.  Gently take your make-up off.  Manage your hair into something that would be comfy to sleep in.  Comfy clothes.  Hot cocoa/tea (snacks of course), and a movie to cuddle to. 

Challenge, write a silly poem containing the words huff and enough

Why are you in such a huff?

Was my joke just not enough?

"What do you call an empty can

of Cheese Whiz- Cheese Was!"  C'mon man

That really is funny as shit.

That joke shoulda been a hit!