Give It A Name, Take All the Blame

I am a drummer.

I fancy myself a pretty good one. I get calls to do a majority of the gigs in my region. 

Last year, I spent 6 months filling in for a cover band (March to October really) and they lost their new drummer, who took over for me, so I could focus on my own stuff.

Well I get the call last week, “Hey, new guy quit, we’ve got these dates we need filled, can you do them?” I was able to do all but 2.

As I was on the drums the last couple days, cause I’ve been snowed in, refreshing myself on the tunes, cause it’s been a few months since I’ve played any of them , there are 40 something songs, and I’ve slept since then, I began to think about all the music I’ve learned throughout the years, that I’ve enjoyed. All the places I’ve been BECAUSE of music.

I’ve played Talledega on a race weekend, and met a lot of the drivers. Big name drivers who stood in the crowd amongst us, and listened to the band perform. Sturgis (that was wild) where we had to literally pack up after our set and get back home cause we had double booked the weekend, and had a festival 10 hours away the next day.

I love my life. I’m just so ready to truly find someone to enjoy it, and all the adventures that come with it, with me.

Who here is old enough to remember when jingles were good? I am. They just made sense. Meow mix had cats “meowing” a melody. I find my self randomly singing it sometimes. And I haven’t heard it in probably 10 years. Why? Well it was catchy. It stuck in my subconscious.

On a different note, the world is full of what ifs. (Cue my horrible ADHD. SQUIRREL!!!!)

Schrödinger's cat (see, bring it back full circle)

Schrödinger's cat is a thought experiment, sometimes described as a paradox, of quantum superposition. In the thought experiment, a hypothetical cat may be considered simultaneously both alive and dead, while it is unobserved in a closed box, as a result of its fate being linked to a random subatomic event that may or may not occur.

What might have been. If you never take a chance, you never know just what might happen. I challenge us all in 2024, take that chance. 

I recently had someone tell me they live in (and enjoy) organized chaos. Just the thought gave me anxiety. I am SO structured in my everyday life. I am a creature of habit. I’m up at 445, I am work at 6, I leave at 4, I shower as SOON as I get home and I’m in bed by 9 and start it all over again.

”Organized chaos” is such an oxy moron. The definition of chaos is “complete disorder and confusion”

Maybe my structured life makes me less attractive as a dominant to some submissives. Maybe I’m “boring” because I don’t allow a little “organized chaos” in my life. But when something has worked for me for 10 years, it kinda sticks 

Our senses tell us a lot.

Smell can save you from eating something that has spoiled.

Sight can keep you from walking into danger

Touch can’t stop you from harming your physical body

Taste, don’t get me started on taste……

Hearing…. Alarms alert us to danger

These senses are also important in scenes.

Sight…. To watch her arch her back and squirm as my fingers run from her neck to her cleavage to her belly to her clit

Smell….. the musk of her skin, the smell of the room we are in

Touch….. to allow her to feel my skin as I walk around her, admiring her submission 

hearing….. hearing the various tools makes contact with her flesh, hearing the moans, the screams, both pleasure and pain, hearing juices flowing and lubricating

Taste….. once again, taste…..

I’ve found out in 34 years on this earth (really 30. Cause what do you know prior to age 4, truly) everyone has desires. Some are different than others. I desire to have someone in my life to have power/control over. Others might just want a brand new vehicle every year, or a Million dollar house. Material things, eh?

That desire, my desire, was put on the back burner for a bit, mostly because I had been burned by someone I trusted. Someone who gave me a semblance of control in her life.

“But remember that forgiveness too is a power. To beg for it is a power, and to withhold or bestow it is a power, perhaps the greatest.
Maybe none of this is about control. Maybe it isn't really about who can own whom, who can do what to whom and get away with it, even as far as death. Maybe it isn't about who can sit and who has to kneel or stand or lie down, legs spread open. Maybe it's about who can do what to whom and be forgiven for it. Never tell me it amounts to the same thing.”

An excerpt from ‘The Handmaids Tale’

I remember reading this book for a class, yes, a grade, and reading that paragraph in the book, and my mind going to many, many different places. This was back when Dialup internet was a thing, really the ONLY thing, and I had a brick Nokia phone. I did find out that it was required reading in most states after 1985, but was banned in a lot of schools because of the “sexual content.” (Go figure, eh?)

But, rambling aside, what always stood out to me, still to this day, “Forgiveness is a power.”

So I bestow forgiveness on her, and I move on with my life, and my journey to become someone worthy of the submissive woman I am in search for.

Growing up, my Mamaw always said, “Enjoy being younger while you can. The older you get, the faster time goes.”

I laughed at that. How can time go by faster? Time is a set unit of measurement.

But now, as I am in my 34th year on this earth, I realize how right she was. This “year” has seemed to fly by. It feels like only 6 weeks ago, it was May-June. Days honestly seem to last 8 hours.

Time is precious. Spend what time you can with the people you care about, because apparently, time is short.

A couple weeks ago, I had a scare.

I had a couple skin colored bumps pop up around my sack. (TMI? Oh well, this is my blog)

So I had a DOT physical scheduled for my job, so I figured I’d ask the doc about it. I gotta drop my drawers for him anyway, might as well.

He said, “It’s not what you think, it’s skin tags. Does anyone in your family have skin tags?”

My late uncle did. Now, I’m not sure if he had them “there” (we weren’t THAT close) but I knew he had them.

Why do I tell this story? For one, so you, the reader can get a chuckle. But two, sometimes things (even people) aren’t what (or who) they seem. We can all create these false narratives about ourselves, it’s the social media effect. We show people what we want them to see, but all the other stuff, well, we hold that deep down inside.

Lets normalize talking about what’s bothering us, instead of hiding behind what makes our lives look perfect. 

Sports are a huge part of my life. 

I played baseball growing up, had a scholarship to a local Community College, one that produced quite a few current MLB players.

I tore my Achilles my junior year of high school, and never played baseball again. I don’t tell that story for pity. I tell it because sometimes life has a way of making you pivot.

You find “that person” and you feel like, this could go the distance. Cake (the band) wrote “He’s going the distance, he’s going for speed, she’s all alone in her time of need.” Sometimes we make sacrifices for people we care about. Even if it’s not what WE want, or even what THEY want. 

If you have your person, support them. In everything they do. Don’t expect them to fail. Because then you have set them up for failure. Instead, believe in them, no matter what. And if they fail, pick them up. No “I told you so” or “well I knew that wouldn’t work”

Love each other. Sometimes you’re all they have.

I thought I found the one.

She was wild, she was beautiful, amazing body, and all I ever wanted. So I thought.

Then I found out she was also “his” one.

So I took a break. A break from finding “her”

A break from finding what I want, nay, what I NEED.

Maybe she’ll show up. Whether it’s a month from now or a year from now, I’ll be here.

Until then.