I have always liked the idea of a contract, though I haven't had one yet. I like the idea of stated rules, which BDSM has plenty of. I like terms and definitions. I like community for when I need to ask more questions without feeling judged. I always have more questions, just wait for it. There is a structure to a BDSM dynamic that just makes me…nestle into it. Or at least, the thought of it.
I like being told what to do. It takes the guesswork out of it for me, and just allows me to experience the moment. I don’t use elaborate safe words. Red works for me. Short, simple, immediate. I will tell you if I don’t like something. Also, immediately.
A common misconception is that because autistic people struggle with socializing, we can’t communicate effectively. Which, if you’re here reading this and don’t know much about autism, it means you’re probably grimacing at that thought or thinking red flag. Let me assure you, due to the very fact you are reading this, that we can communicate. Communication is an acquired skill for anyone, and we can be good at it, just like anyone else.
Being the one to initiate a conversation can be incredibly difficult, if not impossible, for some of us. It’s not that we’re just afraid of it. We have had so many bad experiences with socialization that the mere thought of being the first person to start a convo can make us back off. Socialization can be a straight minefield for us…because processing lags and missed social cues. We tend to miss non-verbal cues, like what facial expressions or body language is telling us. We tend to have trouble reading between the lines and need things to be laid out in a straightforward way for our best comprehension.
If there is one thing about autism I want you to know, from me, about me, personally, is that sometimes it takes me a moment to process events, but that does not at all mean I’m incompetent. I am a damn loving person and good sub, and I deserve patience. I have found that these behavioral patterns of mine flair during specific times, almost as if the behaviors are symptoms.
I know some people really hate to describe what they go through as “symptoms”, but it helps me be able to contextualize things and make them more manageable. (My therapist calls these behaviors ‘manager me’ lol)
I personally love texting and talking to people online. In person, I’m expected to carry on the conversation without missing a beat. Sometimes I can do that. Sometimes I’m in the right mind space and I don’t have anything tripping me up when I’m trying to communicate. Or, when I just feel confident with all my quirks.
But when I’m overwhelmed? Processing slows wayyyy down, and it’s exhausting.
Let’s take last week for example. Last week happened in a blur. I was dysregulated more than not most of the week. While I am insanely proud of myself for finishing my degree, last week was finals. Last week was my last week for my BA. I had A. All the work that was due, and B. I completed college and the feels that came with that!
I also had three life decisions to make last week. Decisions that were triggering and difficult to work through, all while still being a single mom working full time and going to school full time. And despite some of the outcomes with individuals, I’m really freaking proud of myself for getting through all of it. Ten years ago I wouldn’t have known what to do to keep going. I would have just been in the fetal position in bed under my covers.
Being overwhelmed or overstimulated or both at the same time can make talking (or breathing!) impossible for me. I just need some time to regulate myself (time can vary depending on the situation). I’m going to do my very best to communicate clearly with you, but if you expect me to have perfect communication with you all the time, if you can’t understand my brain does not work like yours, then it isn’t a healthy relationship for me. I am not helpless, and I can be held accountable, but I can’t fit in your box. I never will.
That’s okay with me, I’m done trying to. I can’t look at every misunderstanding as a failure because that’s unfair to me and everyone like me.
We may also find that we have a really hard time looking at things from the perspective of others. Things are usually viewed through our own lenses, as putting ourselves in the shoes of another is also an acquired skill for us (as it is most people) and for some of us, it can be hard to master. Abstract concepts can take us a moment to understand and process, and I’ve been known to ask someone to rephrase themselves because the context of their words just doesn’t make sense to me.
I cannot state enough that we operate as our best selves under complete transparency and straightforwardness. The more direct, the better. A lot of us have a ton of difficulty trying to figure out motivations. We aren't naive. We REALLY have difficulty comprehending the motivations of others. This can lead to a lot of misunderstandings, and it can be very disheartening and detrimental to our social lives. Or even attempting to have one. More about connection in another part, though.
I like to plan as much as I can (though with the right mindset and partner, I can do spontaneous) and if that means rehearsing a conversation before I have it, I will hyper-focusing on it for three hours to get it just right and think of every possible thing the other person can say to me and plan how I’ll react in each of those scenarios and try to think how to react if other people were around, too, and what’s acceptable and what’s the right level of reaction and…
It is exhausting.
I don’t want to do that constantly in my dynamic. Power exchange is freedom to me, because it provides a structured relationship where I know what to expect, and I don’t have to mask. I can just be me. I’m encouraged to be me. It’s a red flag if I’m not me.
There is nothing more freeing for me than being intimate with my partner and them taking control. For a little while, I can let go of the need to figure out what to do with myself. It can just be quiet in my mind instead of the constant running monologue I have going on.
Usually about the very same topics you’re tired of hearing of (because hyper focus).
I also gravitate toward BDSM simply because it’s fun and it turns me on, same as the next kinkster. I have found that it helps me be the best version of myself for everyone I know, including myself. I have also found that I will never be able to do a vanilla relationship again…which is okay with me.
I've learned to communicate my needs and wants and feelings because of therapy and... BDSM. And for someone who NEEDS examples when trying to understand concepts, BDSM certainly and thankfully supplies a ton of definitions and examples for my sense of security.
