Reminder: Autism traits will look different depending on gender, age, and cognitive abilities. The following refers to having level 1 autism (also known as high-functioning or Aspergers to some). This is my take, from an autistic woman’s perspective, using my own experience and materials I’ve read.
Sometimes, I get dizzy in stores. The lights get brighter, and I get tunnel vision. I see what’s in front of me but there seems to be too much to focus on. I may hear people talking around me, but I can’t quite make out their words with the sounds of carts rolling, the beeping over the intercom, music cutting in and out from the speakers above. Everything is just so damn shiny and feels weird and I can’t think. I am truly frozen, for no reason at all.
It wasn’t until recently I realized when this happens when I am on the path to a meltdown. As an adult with coping skills, a long with my growth mindset, I pride myself on being able to recognize when this is happening now. It takes time to see our patterns and recognize behavior for what they are (root causes).
Learning how to manage and sometimes even prevent meltdowns and shutdowns takes a lot of inner work. It takes a lot of learning and practice, and patience with ourselves. I may never be able to completely stop them because they come from those processing delays. Before you picture me rolling around on the ground flailing around, let’s talk about what meltdowns and shutdowns are.
Meltdowns
When you think of meltdowns, you probably don’t think that well-functioning, successful adults have them. You think of tantrums for not getting their own way and manipulation, and negative behavior. You sure as hell don’t want a Dom or sub who displays this type of behavior. That’s not what true autistic meltdowns or shutdowns are, but they can happen to the best of us and can be difficult, so they are important to know about. Plus, we assume you care enough about us to want to know how we live. (If not...this isn't for you lol). Neither are displays of childish or attention-seeking behavior. Let me repeat that: Neither are displays of childish or attention-seeking behavior.
Both are intense responses to an overwhelming situation. It is an involuntary reaction due to sensory processing issues. Neither happens all of the time, but any meltdown or shutdown is a stressful experience for everyone involved. The triggers are, but are not limited to, social situations, large decisions, sleep deprivation, large cognitive processes (especially more than one at a time, which is often what life is like), and a build-up of stress over days, weeks, or months.
Meltdowns look different from person to person, and each situation seems to vary in intensity. Some people, regardless of cognitive ability, experience them more often than others. They can often be caused by anxiety or fear and our flight/fight/freeze response kicking in.
MRI brain scans (nerdy me is showing) show that in Neurotypical brains, the prefrontal cortex (the part of our brain that regulates emotions) lights up when having an emotional reaction or processing an emotional response. In autistic people, our prefrontal cortex lights up…less. Meaning, it should be coming online in a greater capacity when we need it to, but it doesn’t always.
Some personal examples of what they look like for me: Panic attacks, the feeling that I want to crawl out of my skin, feeling irritated or frustrated intensely, or crying hysterically without being able to stop.
They aren’t fun. We don’t want to have them. They are exhausting and sometimes leave us feeling ashamed for feeling what we do. Yes, it is up to us personally to each figure out coping strategies and what works for us, but let’s be realistic. Life is unpredictable and bad shit happens, so we’ll never entirely have control enough to prevent them 100%. No person alive can control every situation.
Shutdowns
Shutdowns are different than meltdowns, a bit more alarming, and often considered a “freeze” response. In my experience, both are often a build-up until a limit is reached. That limit varies like everyone else's depending on what’s happening in that moment, what the day has been like, and just our current mindsets at that moment.
It’s important to note that both shutdowns and meltdowns can happen in one instance, and it’s common for a shutdown to follow an intense meltdown.
The length of shutdown varies widely. I read an analogy where it referred to shutdown as an overheated computer that just shuts down. I agree somewhat, but I want to add that it does shutdown, but then it restarts and just sits there, silently, sometimes showing a progress bar, sometimes just blank.
Shutdowns can look like a temporary loss of skill, too. That sounds pretty intense, and I can assure you it feels pretty intense. To just completely forget how to do something and you can’t remember it no matter how hard you try. I have gone from analyzing research studies to being unable to pronounce words accurately at all in a single day because of something--usually stressful--that happened and caused processing delays. They are temporary, though, a typical shutdown episode, meaning so is the loss of skills. We don’t have to relearn them. We just get ourselves back after we’ve regulated.
It’s incredibly frustrating being unable to speak, sometimes daily. Shutdowns can lead to selective mutism, which isn’t someone giving you the intentional silent treatment. I can’t tell you how many times in the past I needed to have serious conversations but the moment overwhelmed me so badly that I couldn’t say anything even though I wanted to, for often an extended period of time. A lot of times it was face-to-face interactions and I just lost the ability to speak.
How to support your autistic partner
It’s incredibly important to discuss with your partner how they would like you to support them while they are calm. Trying to ask them in the middle of a panic attack what you can do won’t be helpful. They likely won’t know and having a conversation with them at that moment will make things worse.
Example: I promise when I’m having a meltdown, I do not, under any circumstances, want to be around people. I do not want to be touched or talked to. I do not want any more stimulation than what is already happening because what is already happening is too much. I need some varying amount of alone time to regulate myself. Alone time can be difficult for long periods as a single mother, so I know the next best thing is to limit my surroundings. If I’m spending time with my child, there aren’t a million other things going on, to the best of my control.
It’s hard to give advice other than talk to your partner about this one because we’re all so different and need different things depending on the situation. Support your partner as they figure out their triggers or what they need, their journey in therapy, pushing them when applicable, and comforting them when needed. It’s up to them to make sure they are happy and healthy, but a support system is a necessity for true wellness.
Having a healthy dynamic despite shutdowns or meltdowns
BDSM has been shown to decrease anxiety in people, and not just because of its sexual nature. BDSM isn’t all about sex. We all also personally know that orgasms decrease stress and anxiety, but the other aspects of the lifestyle can help so much in daily life. Studies show participating in BDSM increases wellness, helps us live in the moment, and again, reduces anxiety and stress overall.
Self-regulation is the key to getting back to self and managing stress better. You can read and try different self-soothing techniques by yourself/with a loved one, or you can seek out the help of a trained professional. It’s important to practice the techniques when you’re calm and practice them often, especially honing in on them when you begin to feel stressed. Practice will make them a habit, and you adjust according to your specific needs. Learning how to self-regulate and self-soothe is game-changing.
I found it helpful to start a log of perceived triggers and self-regulation techniques I was trying. I can also say CBT was/is extremely helpful. There are worksheets that can guide you through processes and understanding yourself, but I do really recommend a trained professional, for the times you feel like you’re going crazy and they can point out it’s a totally natural feeling (because a majority feel it).
You want to support your partner while they work to be their best and healthiest selves. Your partner is capable of being everything you ever dreamed of and more even if he or she is autistic. You may find yourself admiring them because of their autistic traits, (aka just known as part of who we are, like my ability to connect dots in ways others can’t or more quickly).
Life changes can make us more vulnerable to meltdowns/shutdowns, so it’s important we’re taking extra good care of ourselves during these times. For me, especially during those times, having someone who is so intertwined with me mentally, a Dom who is intelligent and emotionally aware, who has worked hard with me to create a safe space for us both in our dynamic, makes that extra stress of having extreme reactions easier to bear. We’re all just better with help than doing it alone, in general, in life.
BDSM helps me manage the stress in a way that really works for me, and that is a very, very, very large reason why I could never do a vanilla relationship again. I need the calmness a D/s relationship provides me at the end of the day to rely on. To maintain a basic level of calmness. Even if I’m not in a dynamic, I know I’m going to fall in love again one day, and I know this has to be a large part of it.
My shutdowns don’t happen as often anymore, not since all the work I’ve done in therapy. I can manage my potential meltdowns with calm experience, sometimes stopping them before they’ve really started. I can spot triggers more easily, though I’m still taken off guard by small things that do a large number on me. I’m still learning to tell the signs of an impending stress-related shutdown, but I know irritability is a big sign for me. I’ve learned to limit what’s coming at me and ask for help when needed.
