Releasing What’s Inside

I’ve never written a blog before. Giving it a shot.
2 hours ago. Wed 19 Sep 2018 01:25:53 PM IDT

My heart...it’s this thing that...

Pretends to be strong...

Does everything for the sake of others...

Always put everyone first...

Doesn’t know how to be selfish...

Gives without expecting anything in return...

Looks for the good in everyone...

Believes there’s always a silver lining...

Loves with all its love...

Beats for all it loves...

Smiles when it is loved.

But...

It’s been hurt...

It’s been used...

It’s been lied to...

It’s been betrayed...

It’s been abused...

It’s been taken advantage of.

Promises have been made but broken...

Words have been spoken but were lies...

Hope has been given but then crushed.

And...

Through it all...

It kept believing...

It kept hoping...

It kept forgiving...

It kept loving...

It got a bit cracked but not broken. 

But...now...

It’s lost...

It’s hurting...

It’s in pain...

It’s crying...

It’s broken...

It's trying to hold on...

It feels incomplete...

Most of all...it’s so weak. 

😢💔😢💔😢💔😢💔

6 days ago. Thu 13 Sep 2018 04:16:44 AM IDT

It’s been quite a while since I’ve shared my thoughts, emotions, and feelings. I’ve started a few times and then end up deleting it. For many reasons. Fear is the main one. But I will fear no more. 

I started this journey at the beginning of the year. I have had the opportunity to meet all kinds of people. I’ve been lucky enough to have made a true friend. A friendship I cherish and appreciate very much. She is someone special to me. You know who you are...I love you lots!! Thank you so very much for being YOU! 😘💖💗

I was also fortunate to have met someone whom I love and adore. He is who I have given myself to completely. I can’t fathom a future or life without Him. When we finally had our weekend together...well...my love for Him only got deeper and stronger. We’ve made it through distance. We’ve made it through misunderstandings. We’ve made it through haters. We’ve made it through time. But...can we make it through this?? My heart and soul want to believe we can make it through anything. 

However, my confidence grows weaker with each passing day. My mental and emotional pain and suffering is amounting to such a level like none I’ve ever experienced in my life. I am feeling defeated and utterly helpless. I ask myself...how much more of this can I take?? But I don’t have an answer because I don’t know. I just know that this is destroying me! I’m going crazy! 

As I wait for Him to react...I am pray that I can make it. All the love He made me feel has somehow been replaced with coldness and non-emotional responses. He tells me He still loves me...He still wants me...He doesn’t want me to leave Him. He tells me many things. But what He shows me...how He treats me...is so completely opposite. It’s driving me insane! Does He care? He says He does. But does nothing to make it better. Is He enjoying this? He says He isn’t. But doesn’t do anything to fix things. Is He punishing me? No is His answer. But still He does nothing. 

I have told Him in many different ways how He is making me feel. He knows what I’m going through. I have tried to make Him understand that His treatment is tearing down. He knows. He knows everything I’m feeling and thinking. I have apologized for all I’ve ever said or done wrong. I have assured Him of my complete submission to Him. I have bared my soul to Him. I have hidden nothing from Him. 

So, I don’t know what else I can do. I don’t know that there is anything else I can do. He has all the power. It is all up to Him now. Will He love me or leave me?? I pray He will love me!!

This has been the hardest blog I’ve ever written. The most painful and tearful. I share with you a piece of my soul. Thank you to all who taken the time to read my words. I hope all of you have a wonderful morning or afternoon or evening (depending on where you live). 

XOXO, 

Missub

3 weeks ago. Thu 23 Aug 2018 06:01:29 AM IDT

It’s here!! It’s finally here!! I am Yours and Yours alone!! 💜💞🧡💓💛💗💚💖💙💕❤️

4 months ago. Tue 15 May 2018 11:15:45 PM IDT

My mind...haven’t been able to put together a coherent sentence!! 

4 months ago. Sun 29 Apr 2018 06:39:57 AM IDT

Every other weekend is a bitter/sweet time for me. When that Friday comes around, I am filled with joy for Master because He gets to spend time with His son. I also get a bit anxious as I know His time is for His son and we’ll have limited communication. He started sending me pictures of His time with His son to me a couple of weeks ago. I’ve appreciated and cherished every picture. But this weekend has been different. This weekend has been a fabulously joyous weekend!! 

Friday night, Master called me before He read a bedtime story to “Little Leo” (His son). He put me on speaker, introduced me to Little Leo, and included me in this special bedtime moment. I listened intensely as Master read The Cat In The Hat and giggled to myself at all the curious questions and comments Little Leo made. When story time was over, we all said good night and ended our call. I was so overjoyed and filled by emotions that I broke down and cried. Tears of happiness! That one action meant so much more to me than I’d ever expect. My heart was elated!! 

Today I woke up with such a huge smile. A smile filled with joy and love! I chatted with Master a bit throughout the day and I distracted myself with my family. The day didn’t seem to drag as it usually does on weekends like this for me. As I lay in bed, I receive a message from Master asking if I’d like to join them for story time tonight as well. As I am about to respond, “Only if it’s okay with Little Leo”...Master tells me he asked if I was going to join again. My heart leaped so high from joy that I thought it was going to come out of my chest!!! 

I was once again included in story time. This time, when Master called, I got to talk to Little Leo and answer questions he had for me. I felt nervous but so happy. Little Leo and I got to hear Master read Green Eggs and Ham. He giggled so much. His laughter made my heart smile. I definitely have to say that he enjoyed this story much more than The Cat In The Hat. As he asked Master to read it one more time (which He did but only half the book). I am currently in a state of bliss!

My mind is racing with such great thoughts. Master has given me a glimpse of what I have to look forward to. I honestly cannot wait to actually be there physically during story time. To be able to kiss Little Leo good night, and tuck him in, is a precious gift for me. 

Thank you to all that have taken the time to read my words. Your thoughts and comments are always welcomed and appreciated. Have a good night and sweet dreams! ✨?

XOXO,

Missub ??

4 months ago. Wed 25 Apr 2018 06:17:15 AM IDT

As I lay on my bed, I find myself thinking about that first “Welcome” message I received from you. I remember being so defeated by all I had been through that I was ready to give up on myself. My journey was only just beginning and I had been knocked down more than ever. 

I stared at your message and read it several times. I’d close it and go back to it. I’d start to delete your message but something always stopped me. I decided to read your profile. It scared the crap out of me! I wanted to get out of your profile but something told me to keep reading. 

By the time I was done reading...I was still scared shitless...but my heart was awoken. It smiled a kind of smile it had never smiled before. While I argued with my heart, my hands were already typing away. You responded and my heart started beating faster. I remember thinking I must’ve gone crazy for writing back to you. But my hands had a mind of their own. 

Actually, my mind controlled my hands, words, and actions. I’d only notice AFTER my message was sent that I continued responding to you. How was this possible? Well, while my heart was distracting me, my mind took over. For the first time in my life they were both working together! My heart and my mind...a team!! Both in sync! Both wanting the same thing! Both knowing from the very moment they read your words what I refused to believe...????

 

Thank you to all that took the time to read my words. Your words are always welcomed and appreciated. 

 

XOXO,

Missub ??

 

 

4 months ago. Tue 24 Apr 2018 09:57:01 PM IDT

You are...

my sorrow and my bliss...

my punishment and my reward...

my torment and my comfort...

my weakness and my strength...

my anxiety and my calmness...

my curse and my blessing...

my fear and my hope...

my tears and my laughter.

You are everything wrong and everything right.

You are who I've dreamed of, desired, wanted...

Most of all...You are all I will ever need!!

 

I love you, Master! ??❤

4 months ago. Sat 21 Apr 2018 08:53:44 PM IDT

Our community can be such a loving and supportive place. But it can also be mean and cruel. The beauty of our world is that there is a flavor for every palette. Dom, Domme, Sadist, Master, Mistress or dollification (which I just recently learned about)...submissive, slave, masochist, switch, or other. We are all beautiful in our own unique way. Why must we put each other down and criticize/insult that which we don’t know? We get enough of that from the outside world. I found this and never thought I’d ever have the need to use it in here...

 

 

I apologize in advance if someone takes offense. Definitely not my intention. It’s just hurtful to see how we can put each other down instead of giving each other support. Let’s respect each other, please. 

 

As always, thank you to all those who have taken the time to read my words. Opinions, thoughts, and comments are always welcome. I hope you all have a wonderful day! 

 

XOXO, 

Missub ??

 

5 months ago. Wed 18 Apr 2018 11:08:21 PM IDT

A complex and incomplete puzzle…

From the moment I was born…

Is who I’ve always been.

 

Searching for my missing piece…

Waiting for He who completes me…

But always remaining unseen.

 

I’ve searched high and low…

Looked left and right…

And always falling in between.

 

I’ve settled for half…

Sometimes settled for less…

Believing my search is just obscene.

 

Wanting their love and acceptance…

Desiring their attention and praise…

But they just wanted to demean.

 

Their mental and emotional abuse…

Their lies, deceit and insults…

Only seemed to give them more adrenaline.

 

My mind was always a train wreck…

My heart was always in distress…

It made them feel better; it was their medicine.

 

Accepting their behavior and abuse…

Believing it was always deserved…

Well, that was my deadly sin.

 

I’ve since voiced my dreams and desires…

I’ve prayed for the missing piece to my puzzle…

Hoping a higher power will finally intervene.

 

Sharing a bit of the turmoil that lives inside of me. Thank you to all who have taken the time to read my words. Comments, thoughts, and advice are always appreciated and welcomed. I hope everyone has a fantastic day!

 

XOXO,

Missub

 

5 months ago. Tue 17 Apr 2018 12:04:22 AM IDT

One week down....

Too many more to go.

 

One day feels like a week. 

This past week felt like a month.

 

How am I to survive the next couple of (actual) months?? How am I to keep my anxiety from surfacing?? How do I keep my need to see Him under control?? How do I keep my mind from going crazy until I can finally feel His touch??

 

I wish I could close my eyes, open them, and see that our weekend is finally here. But that's not possible. I must find a way to distract my mind from being so impatient. The problem with that is...well...no matter what I do, He is always in my thoughts. I thought this past weekend would be a bit distracting for me (as I went out of town to see family). I was wrong.

 

The entire time I kept wishing He was there with me. I imagined Him looking for my hand whenever we went out somewhere. I pictured Him laughing and talking and joking and just having a great time with my family. Those are just SOME of the thoughts I had all weekend long. 

 

I was so desperate to at least hear His voice but He was also with family. I did try my hardest to enjoy myself but I failed time after time. The more everyone seemed to have fun…the less I enjoyed myself…and the more my anxiety got agitated. Though I do have to admit that my nerves calmed down a bit when He sent me two beautiful pictures. I did use them to help me when I’d feel a panic attack trying to surface. Master managed to calm me down yet again.

 

How does He always manage to calm me down? How does He always know what to say and what to do? How can He be so strong to ease all my pains? He is the most wonderful Master any girl could ever dream of. I am the luckiest slave!

 

I love you more and more with each passing day, Master!!  ?❤️