The Culture that has been here all the time

When looking for something fails, it cranks up my anxiety. I can't seem to shake it today. My cat and dog tried, but to no avail. When anxiety flares up at this level, and nothing seems to quench it, it generates the stark picture of a lonely life. A comforting embrace would go a long way, but it is missing, and it's something I can not buy.

A wise black woman I knew a half-century ago often counseled me on my way of thinking. Her simple question was so thought-provoking that I have never forgotten her words, "What does what you are thinking (or believing) have to do with that?" Sometimes she paraphrased it to fit a situation. How she became an impromptu counselor, I do not recall.

The situation was when I was in an emotionally dark place, and the information I had available to me was scarce and often inaccurate, so my mind, being so intensely active, filled all the blanks, and as many of you know from my blog, that is not good because I chose to see things in a negative light.

The missing solution then and now is the same: a warm, comforting embrace. Since I communicate most effectively with human touch, offering and receiving, and I am living in what may be the darkest cave of my life. If only I had just one candle offered to me. images pixabay

Is experimenting with your kikiness a work in progress, or is it a closed door?

An intense lover, I had a relationship about 43 years ago. One day, she suddenly spoke up to me and said, "You sure are kinky." At that time, I hadn't given that any thought. Being with her was an adventure in many things; she had a wild imagination. I should have said, " Wow, you sure are kinky too".

Moving on, I met and married my late wife, who was a natural sub and kinky without ever saying it. I noted her responses and love-making behavior, and forty years later, realized she was kinky. Sometimes I laugh  about a memory, like when she said, "Why are men so touchy with anul play?"

From sex education on street corners, free love, and relationships, it has been a long and winding road. Now, with all this knowledge and openness, I am parked at a dead end, and this is the worst thing that has ever happened to me. pixabay images

So life is morphing in several ways that will make it unrecognizable to many people.

The digital age, with computers and cell phones, was quite a transformation. Now, AI is altering all human activities, and we are probably not fully aware of it. You must have some awareness, of course, unless you live in a sand dune, that is. Oh, quantum computing is about to begin, maybe space colonization, too.

Since I am able to return to my alter egos, I must adjust: My music is already available worldwide, and I used to have a website for my artwork, but let it fade. Now is the right time to reestablish myself as an artist through my artwork using the online platform. I will examine the best way for me and develop a plan soon.

You (if you are a regular blog reader) know me better than anyone has in recent months. I know I am putting behind the hard emotional period caring for my late wife, but I have limited talent in defeating my loneliness and the absence of a loving companion. In this respect, I am a fish on the beach, thrashing around in futility.

A muse can be many things to many people, but what she will be is a she for me, and her beauty shall not be skin deep or fleeting. Blindfolded lovers would soon find out how much real chemistry existed between them when they made love. The inner adventure of life will resonate as they age together; in this case, age is truly only a number. I mentioned Edward Hooper and Josephine Nivison (an artist ) for more than one reason. She was his long-term model and muse, but when I read their story, she also became the dominant administrator in the relationship, to the point that she sacrificed her own art. The country song "I want to be Loved Like that" ¹ applies to her in my eyes. They had a typical husband and wife relationship without perfection, so I am not fantasizing, just hoping I will yet find my muse like her.

Edward Hopper - Wikipedia

Since I have been painting artworks sporadically for almost 60 years, I have a collection that could use some administrative work. Van Gogh's sister-in-law did it after his demise. and Hooper's wife during their long marriage. I prefer a woman, as I am kinky, and I still am a heterosexual man. I was introduced to BDSM when I needed a helper when I cared for my wife (not a nurse), the woman who was to provide me with a domestic kinky sub never followed through, and she fooled me out of money. Now it is the time I could use more help, because as I am getting older. I do have things to offer her the potential in return for her service. It is always symbiosis in the real world.
We should be compatible and affectionate to each other, and live a life working together for each other's benefit. I have a house with a manageable mortgage and a paid-off car, food, and utilities.
If I do find the right sub, we would not be lonesome travelers in a messy, unpredictable world any longer.

I visited one of my VA doctors yesterday, and the visit went well. She is my new psychiatrist and isn't as warm as my last one, who was recently forced into retirement. All is status quo, no changes in meds. I asked if there was a pill to alleviate loneliness. She blew it off as if I were an AI robotic human.

Now that I have allowed the artist in me to live once more, I have reawakened so much. The complex mindset, as I love experimenting with different mediums and subjects. Photos are good to the degree they don't move and are consistent and varied (beyond what I have in front of me). But photos lack one important feature: I can't touch and feel the subject.

In my early days, I mostly painted landscapes, seascapes, and abstract ideas. One art teacher explained portrait painting as he did it. He collected photos, made sketches of the actual person in front of him, and explained his thoughts as he planned the final product. His work sold for a price I can only dream of.

Yes, I will experiment, focus on different subjects, try different mediums, but I fear I may never have a companion, a lover, to feel and know intimately again. Now that I am free to paint nudes, ¹ nothing would be better than painting a lover I can embrace and love. Paint her image in different ways and settings. Pixabay images

1 My wife was a sub and sexually free in our bedroom, but chose a religion that frowned on nude paintings. I followed her to church and complied with her attitude, but I knew we both truly didn't see art in a sinful light.

If I were to lose all my senses, I would see, hear, feel, taste, and smell the world through you, my love.

We All Should Know Ourselves:

"Know thyself" (gnothi seauton) is an ancient Greek aphorism, famously inscribed at the Temple of Apollo at Delphi, urging individuals to understand their limitations, motivations, and true nature. It signifies the importance of internal reflection over surface observation, encompassing self-examination of passions, weaknesses, and recognizing oneself as a mortal rather than a god.

I was lost for about eight years to myself because I devoted all my focus and energy to caring for my wife during her cognitive decline. Now, on a storm-tossed sea, seeking refuge, I suddenly discover the answer has been within me all along. The shore I landed on was where I thrive creatively. I am back where I know how to live. I have immersed myself in my creative artwork.

Whether it was a song or a painting, I became one with the endeavour. The beautiful thing about this? My late wife knew it was my happy place.

Instead of sadness, I feel inspired. Like many artists, I have periods: some produce fine work, some fail, but I always learn from the effort.

Now? I suddenly realise Edward Hopper's work speaks volumes to me; maybe I will emulate his work, and it will become my "Edward Hopper" period.

I long for a muse more knowing that he had a longtime companion who helped him defeat his demons. Whether alone or with a companion, I shall venture forth. My little house is rapidly becoming my artist's studio LOL.

Hotel-by-a-Railroad-Edward-Hopper-1952

Public domain photograph of hotel lobby, free to use, no copyright restrictions image - Picryl description

Gathering my paintings and artwork that I haven't sold, maybe I will find a venue to display them, even the flea market outside of town on the main highway, when I am ready. Some of the new projects will be ready during the summer too.

Something to feel positive about in a sad time after my wife's passing.