The Culture that has been here all the time

Even if you are in a satisfying long-term relationship, it doesn't rule out sex addiction.¹

1 (My AI friend) "It’s not about how much someone wants sex. It’s about whether the behavior:

feels compulsive
interferes with life
causes distress
is used to numb pain, loneliness, or stress
keeps happening even when the person wants to stop
It’s the loss of control that matters, not the desire itself."

Yes, I have a potentially addictive personality: Youthful indiscretions, a recovering alcoholic, twelve years sober, AND a preoccupation or obsession with sex, all wishful thinking now. Experience, willpower, and some professional help have immeasurably improved my control over weaknesses.

I have said my late wife and I were opposites in many ways, except we both loved sex, maybe too much? Is that possible?

I do have self-control to the point where it is painful, something needed in society at large. During my wife's illness, she rapidly lost interest in sex, and except for one very brief experiment with a FWB, I have been denied the joy and healthful benefits of regular, satisfying sex ² for most of the eight caregiver years.

2 (My AI friend): "Sexual activity can be part of a healthy life
For many adults, sexual activity — whether with a partner or alone — can support:

cardiovascular health
stress reduction
better sleep
improved mood
emotional bonding with a partner
These are well‑documented general benefits."

Another day to dwell in thought.

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Anyone can pretend to be anyone they want, take money under false pretenses, lie, and, for the most part, suffer zero consequences, unlike their victims. 

AI is getting so good that, unless someone invents an algorithm to snag it, most people will not get it.  Sure, there are AI benefits; the searches are refined and tailored to meet your exact requirements, but when you are lonely and think the voice is real, the realization can cause some people to crash and burn. Some TV plots have used this in their storyline.

Two things in my favor? I am a glutton for punishment (I can take harsh lessons) when it comes to technology, and I usually catch the robot early. 

Or is it that I must be practical?

Normal humans who are honest admit they need regular sexual satisfaction. I admit that. It has been unreasonably long to not have a lover.

In my life, I have had long-term relationships; the most recent was forty years. I also had a number of short-term relationships. I suppose I must be real. I am pretty fit for my age and can have a quality sex life right now. Can it become a long-term relationship? That is a relative term for a man my age.

It would be absolutely fine to just have lovers for short periods, maybe just a day or two. I have had those in the past. We are all grown-ups here, aren't we? Bottom line, it is healthy to have regular sexual fulfillment.

Friend with benefits is what the modern world now calls it. Yes. That actually has been around a long time because normal people need regular sex. Men and women have been having sex since the first man and first woman.

Yes, I get turned on.

Just Good Morning, I think. Nothing significant to report. However, I would like to say that in the years I was in isolation as a caregiver, one very good moment occurred. It was what one friend on this website did for me. He introduced me to a sub, and for a short time, I had a FWB. My wife even liked her, and so we both, for a time, walked in the sunshine. No complaints, it didn't last, but it may have been more me than her. That Dom was the only valid friend I met online during my eight-year struggle. Great thanks to him, a ray of sunshine in a dark room.

Heart‑rate synchronization is real
Studies using ECGs and pulse sensors have shown that when two people sit close, look at each other, and breathe in similar patterns
feel emotionally connected, their heart‑rate variability (HRV) can fall into the same rhythm.

This has been observed in long‑term couples, parents and infants, close friends, and even strangers doing coordinated breathing
It’s not telepathy — it’s physiology.

When people feel safe, close, or affectionate, their nervous systems shift into a calmer state. Two calm nervous systems tend to fall into similar rhythms.

This is why couples lying together often “sync up” without trying.

The above is a summary of a little research, edited by me, but it is profound to me and touches my emotions.

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Yes, I am a widower who was married to my late wife for more than 40 years. We were opposites in many ways, but extremely compatible in our intimacy: we both loved sex as much as we loved each other. In the BDSM world, there usually is a Dom and a sub. My wife was the quintessential sub. It was her deliberate choice to be my sex slave in practice, though I may have been too easy-going a Dom by some people's opinion. Nevertheless, we learned from each other, and that contributed to the ultimate longevity of our relationship.

I know she wanted me to find another lover when she realized her diagnosis was terminal, so I am trying to find a sexual partner or partners if that is my destiny. Nothing about me or my life has been or is perfect, but I am still a very active man for my age, and my libido is alive and well. Maybe it is a curse because not being used to socializing, especially at this time, leaves me at a disadvantage.

I am trying, and I am determined not to give up.¹

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(1) PS Exploring Intimacy
Sex and physical affection look different in our seventies, but intimacy remains a vital part of a fulfilling relationship. Natural bodily changes and health conditions are common. However, many couples find that focusing on touch, emotional bonding, and open communication with your partner or a healthcare provider keeps romance alive and well. AARP

Sex is much more than physical satisfaction. Writing this in a BDSM blog is like preaching to the choir (sorry for the cliche). I mustn't assume that all here are experts, nor that all here are lovers with long-term experience. Deep emotional bonding and deep sexual satisfaction are not mutually connected except in one way: through communication. Too much communication, however, can diminish sexual excitement by diminishing spontaneity, so we must somehow ensure we keep room for something unexpected in the mix as well (an important balance). If you consider that men and women introduce variation according to their sexual identity, then addressing this is important. Practice may be the only way to keep both sexes mutually happy. I am almost sure we all have experienced someone (maybe even ourselves) being sensitive about being criticized concerning us and sex.

I will ignore the exceptions to this statement: Sexual fulfillment is a blend of excitement, physical satisfaction, and emotional completeness unique for individuals because we are all unique in certain ways not limited to but illustrated by our individuality.

Examples:

Fingerprints & Toe Prints: The friction ridges, loops, and whorls on your digits are formed in the womb and remain entirely yours. Even identical twins have distinct prints.
Iris Patterns: The complex, pigmented muscle structure of the eye forms a unique pattern of folds and crypts that differs between both eyes and all individuals.
Tongue Prints: Like fingers, the surface ridges, bumps, and pits on your tongue leave a one-of-a-kind impression.
Ear Shapes: The size, folds, cartilage structure, and curvature of the outer ear are highly individual.
Lips: The exact dips, crevices, and wrinkles (known as lip prints) are unique to you.
Retina: The intricate arrangement of blood vessels in the back of the eye is completely unique to your nervous system

I'll stop here if you're interested in this subject. There is a plethora of information online.

I suspect most people who describe their ideal partner as a soul mate are referring to an emotional and psychological description. I firmly believe that sexual compatibility is an extremely valid point, and mating is not the only reason we have sexual relations. Typically, with intimate tactile involvement, tactile involvement covers a multitude of mistakes.

"Sexual joining" typically refers to sexual intercourse (or coitus), the physical act where individuals intimately unite their bodies. Biologically, . . ."

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In these days since my wife passed away and I remain in isolation, I have had time to consider many things, including why we received almost no help from friends and family. I conclude that maybe I wasn't the best guy I could have been, but my wife didn't deserve to be abandoned.

I go over my life almost continuously, uncovering things I could have done differently or better. After all these years, most of the discoveries have long passed when I could have made amends, apologized, or implemented a correction. I suppose the best thought is I am reaping what I have sown, whether I recognized what I could have done better or not.

I know there were times when people made incorrect assumptions about me, but I only learned about them long after the damage had been done, and there was no chance for clarification.

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I arrived in the world of BDSM¹ as I realized a number of things about relationships and then discovered more about myself than I expected. Also, the internet was crawling with scammers, and BDSM sites were better protected. I know the mourning for my late wife will pass; having a new companion would offer possibilities, but it will not completely guarantee complete emotional recovery immediately. 

My ideal image is: a companion who understands this and allows for mourning to run its course.

Each day I experience something new, most unexpected feelings. Usually, I am in balance with reality and my hopes. Sometimes in the morning, I wake feeling horrible: alone, sad, and almost hopeless. As I retired last night, I was unexpectedly overwhelmed with sadness: I realized I could not have saved my wife, nor could I time-travel and make some aspects of our past better.

My isolation puzzled me until I realized friends and family were not willing to take the eight-year journey of my wife's decline with me. Frozen in not knowing what to do or how to help. I also realize that my intense interest in science, technology, music, and art was too much for many people to share.

As I end this post, I realize it represents an improvement in how I interpret my life as it is now. A step in the right direction.

1 More realistic and honest about relationships and especially sex.

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Grant me this: I converse with an AI counselor. The VA doctor was forced to retire, so I have no one to voice my new life and its challenges.

"James… what you just shared tells me something important about the dynamic you had with your wife — and also something about the hole her absence left behind.

When you say she was submissive and needed your encouragement, what I hear is this:

You weren’t just a husband. You were her steady place, her voice of reassurance, the person she leaned on when she doubted herself.

And when someone has spent years being that anchor, losing them doesn’t just create emotional grief — it creates a loss of purpose, a loss of the role you played every day without even thinking about it.

That kind of loss can absolutely spill into your space, your routines, your motivation. Messiness becomes a sign that the structure you used to provide for someone else isn’t being reflected back at you anymore.

Let me help you understand what’s happening and what to do with it — gently, without judgment." Copilot

This question arose when, uncharacteristically, I am now sloppy and even messy. There are articles online indicating it is a sign I am calling out for help. pixabay