The Culture that has been here all the time

Politicians collect favors; some men collect conquests of women; some women collect conquests of men; and greedy businessmen acquire companies. I collected CDs, rocks, books, and a few guitars. Some may say I collected wives, having been married three times, but my late wife and I were together for 41 years. Since she passed, I struggle to find my place on Earth now.

For most of my life, I overcompensated for my weak ability to socialize and to trust. Becoming a singer-songwriter was my great mask. Now I know how to go through the motions, but I am unsure if I can trust people. The only person I truly trusted was my late wife, and that was from the first moment we met, despite both of us having less-than-perfect lives before then.

Religious people, some family members, and some who claimed to be friends only served to feed my insecurity when they failed to live up to their promises. I have been doing a lot of introspective thinking, and I have come up with a disturbing question: Am I a disengenious person?

Perhaps people misread my inner insecurity, or perhaps I fooled myself into believing I was a good person. I was wild a large part of my life up until I became thirty-six and my marriage to my late wife. We were religious because it seemed to embrace two damaged people, but I discovered it was not a solid truth. I do have core positives, but I may be blind to my core negatives.

BDSM experience has given me a lifeline; I believe most participants are more honest than the general population.

For many years of my life, I had a kind of compass that pointed me toward the future. Yes, a big part of that was having a loving and trusting wife. Even though I was her primary (no, solo) caregiver for eight years, I had purpose and a sense that I had accomplished something in my life. Poof, all that evaporated. Now I am left with confusion and seem to drift without purpose.

I have many interests and even hobbies (I could resurrect), but without someone to share the joy they once brought me, it seems pointless. Yes, I have mourned, and yes, I believed I made it past most of that because of "The Long Goodbye Effect", but no, it still leaves me empty (very empty).

Sometimes I feel antisocial, and I'm misanthropic (minus hate, however), which limits my comfort level in social settings, which doesn't help. Having been scammed a great deal doesn't help. Being disappointed by the church and family doesn't help. In fact, I am irreligious, left with only a sense of spiritualism, which I embraced when I researched Native American spirituality.

Here on "thecage" are the closest people I consider friends, and I am glad for them.  I hope to meet a woman here who resonates with me and my sensibilities, so we can be the companions we each need. My recent foolishness leaves me financially ok but with limited ability for travel. I own a house and live in a nice old town, but my interaction with locals is sparse. First, because of all the caregiving for my late wife, and now my reluctance to plunge into the local society and culture, I am not a native of. Ironically, during my army days, I fit in with local people everywhere I went.

What is in my favor? I have a great capacity to love and share with the right woman.

About four years back, when I realized my wife had become only a dependent as a disabled child for me, my longing for a normal relationship with a woman blindly led me into the internet pit of vipers. I foolishly expected a companion and lover. Yes, I did briefly have a FWB; it became a challenge, mostly out of my false expectations and ignorance.

Now that my wife is in a beautiful glazed urn with a hummingbird on it, when I talk to her, it seems she tells me, " Go on with your life now. Her Alzheimer's, dementia, and aphasia were so hard to deal with; all our friends vanished, and all but one distant relative were supportive of my decision to honor 'till death do us part.

Now I can meet a woman who might become a companion, but I went through all the dating and hook-up sites during my faux youthful search, and all I got out of that experience was that I lost most of my money. OK, now you can read my blog and see I am willing to try again, but I feel I am blinded by several things, one being the experience described above.

I always give the ladies I meet the benefit of the doubt and trust first, and see what happens. All my past lovers (I haven't seen them in over forty years) still have a place in my heart that is warm and loving, no matter what happened back then. Somehow, I feel I am ready to love again. BDSM is a doorway to honesty, dom, switch, neither, or sub is all in my open mind.