The Culture that has been here all the time

... A feminine woman seems gentile (my wife grew up with three brothers watch out when she got mad); feminine mannerisms and gestures are pleasing and counter my awkward almost clumsy ways; a feminine woman sees the world differently and alerts me to something I missed like I am getting angry; a sub female does her work without complaint (my wife); I feel wonderful when she holds and kisses me; when we are on the same page having sex IS MAKING LOVE.

She often fights nice when she fights with you unless you are a fool and a brute. If you love her she loves you back more, and nothing about you is so negative that it will destroy that love unless you are a fool and abuse her. 

Find a way to love her, she may appreciate the little things but now and then surprise her with a special gift or a special night. Sometimes shut up and hold her. Tell her what she already knows that you, need, want, and love her don't assume she knows and it is never said too much.

She may be hard to find or nearby you should learn to read the signs of her interest.

Sometimes she may find you.

Be honest and true in every kind of relationship but especially a monogamous one.

I have never been in a relationship where negative thinking, anger, and Jealousy did not occur at some point (we all are human). Sometimes it was due to ignorance a misunderstanding or a deliberate act as a reprisal because your partner assumed something and so you are off on a wild ride.

My mistress of 7 years (in the 70s) assumed a new singer in my band was getting my attention and I was either having an affair or close to beginning one with her. It was nowhere close to the truth the singer was the mistress of my lead guitarist. How did she get it so wrong? It was my band I was the lead singer I had many people want to get into the band and often expressed eagerness to do anything for an opportunity. My mistress and I never talked much on an intimate level and she was good at hiding negative things. She was hurt, angry, and jealous all based on bad information. Eventually, it came to light when her best friend told me what she was thinking. I was able to end the problem by convincing her of the truth: I had no interest in the woman for several reasons that I will leave out here. In our subculture things can arise and surprise us before we know what is going on. Here is an excellent excerpt from real real-life story:

"Sooooo I am a newbie to BDSM and casual play/sex and while I've had a small handful of good experiences so far, I'm a little worried of my own green-eyed monster rearing its head. Main reason I ask: I met someone recently who I enjoy play/sex with, and since he is unattached and very affectionate towards me (and I find him very attractive) I'm starting to get date-y feelings toward him. He compliments me in a date-y way, too, i've spent the night, and he has once (on our 2nd of 2 play dates) suggested we hang out in a non-play setting too, but I'm not sure what to make of this or if I'm reading into it. I'm afraid to bring up any deeper discussion because I feel... uptight? demanding? like I'll freak him out by being not-casual? if I do." FROM Ask Meta FilterHow to manage feelings in BDSM/casual sex relaionships?
October 4, 2009 4:55 PM

The cure for misunderstandings or even defusing an unintended intrusion of emotions toward another here is talking about it before it starts a fire. 

You are going about your daily routine and suddenly you are face-to-face with a member of the opposite sex. You both stare at each other for what seems like an eternity. Each excuses themself and turns to walk away. They freeze as if a bolt of lightning hits both of them. They move closer and try to speak but talk over each other. Quickly they conclude that they like each other and find a place to sit and talk.

What just happened? Was it love at first sight? Was it Friendship at first sight? Was it lust at first sight? A combination of all of these? 

One may say chemistry. True it is. What are you going to do about it?

Friendship is easy: Talk, meet, date, and share. It can grow into whatever both of you want it to.

Lust: In today's culture so many people without inhibitions and you are both free to consummate a sexual relationship.

Love: I don't believe in LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT. Love buds and then grows by the actions of each in the relationship (even possible with more than two in a relationship): Love isn't rock, it needs to be fed and cared for; trust increases; the desire to please your lover increases; communication on every level increases. Love can last a lifetime but sadly often it is truncated by some intrusion or internal failure: ESV Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins."  You don't have to be a Christian to understand this verse do you?

We should have been taught starting with birth to make our way in life. Even though we are individuals and have so many options and variables to choose from we must. Without guidance, on how to gather, assess, and prioritize we are like fish flopping around on the beach. This is true about everyone and to what degree we will assert ourselves is inherent in our personality (I not going to debate nature versus nurture). Ok, let us assume you are accurate in your self-evaluation have made choices, and are acting on them.

You have a dominant characteristic therefore you seek to find a suitable submissive to enter into a relationship: It is up to you to arrive at an accurate a clear agenda to achieve that goal. Embark on a journey intended to enlighten yourself and equip you to live accordingly.

You have a submissive characteristic therefore you seek to find a suitable dominant person to enter into a relationship: It is up to you to arrive at an accurate a clear agenda to achieve that goal. Embark on a journey intended to enlighten yourself and equip you to live accordingly.

Consequences: If you are anything like me you do some things in an orderly and coherent way but there are times you will plunge willy-nilly into something learning many lessons some "the hard way". It is then you dust yourself off and start all over again making the necessary adjustments.

Dom meets Sub: Introduced by a third party, accidentally, from an ad you placed or however it occurred.

Step one: Talk to each other candidly. Then take time to think it over.

Step two: Together develop a plan of action with goals.

Step three: Run a test experiment (if that is part of your plan)

Step four: Go

I am looking for a submissive woman to be with me. She will be my helper and comforter and we should be able to satisfy each other not only emotionally but sexually. She will not replace my wife who is seriously ill. She will not be a nurse for my wife (her help with things in our home will allow me to better care for my wife). I will offer my home and care for her and if it goes well I will offer my love.

How many shades of grey are there? "....... in real life, the human eye can distinguish more than 500 shades of grey."The 101 Shades Of Grey: How Many Different Shades Are You?  Frank BiFormer Staff Feb 17, 2015

Relationships in the BDSM world are probably nearly of an infinite variety but I will focus on Master/Slave and Dom/Sub in this post.

If a Master spells out everything a slave must comply with that would seem to be the goalpost on one end of the field and if the Master is liberal and allows much discretionary latitude this could be the goalpost on the other end of the field. How many yards in between and how variable the relationships are (or could be) is decided and implemented by the Master and the Slave. If we slide over to Dom and Sub the variables could increase by many factors.

I a new Dom do not fully grasp the situation since I have no experience, then I meet and enter into a relationship with a sub in a similar position. Is there a book of ironclad protocols, not really. We observe others ask questions and find blogs, magazines, and books and discover a mutually agreeable starting point (it could be a lot of work if you care to make it so) but I did some of that and just have decided to plunge right in and as mentioned in a previous post a work in progress where Dom and Sub learn from each other. So what is the glue here?

Is it lust, love, friendship a partnership all of that and more? All or in part may be enough to have a nice beginning. The degree of glue is up to you as to how strong you want the bond. Permanent all-weather type? Temporary holding power? A sticky but loose that it barely holds type?

If the main purpose of M/S is freedom from convention then steer clear of convention and go with what you want the relationship to be. Keep in mind if you get what you ask for and you don't like it change it or chalk it up to experience and move on taking what you have learned into the next relationship.  

Some how I omitted trust thanks to SnowMinx{owned}sub female I include it as glue (I should have known that what an omission)

I wonder how many people sought to find the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Maybe real gold by panning in a stream. Or the BIG WIN in PowerBall? First I suggest you clearly define exactly what gaining riches means and whether is it the answer to everything for you.

Me? Having a lot of something means you also have a lot of responsibility. Keeping it may be a big distraction and a destroyer of pure joy. Let's consider your sex partner. After experiencing many lovers do you know what works best for you? If you meet up with that person does it last? You realize every kind of relationship is a mutual agreement and requires give and take by each participant.  Contentment?

Contentment isn't settling for something it is appreciating what you have and enjoying it as much as possible. My worst experiences? The old cliche' that the grass is always greener in the other pasture. I do not know perfect anything in this world. Love does cover imperfection but even love is an action word. However you define it, work on it so it is a success for both lovers.

Dear Every One,

I am not one for rash conclusions so this simply is a reflection of my experience as it is currently.

The Subculture BDSM and especially for me M/S presents a vast arrangement of individuals from extremely experienced to just interested yet one thing is clear there is no bachelor's Degree in how and what to do and many of us are groping in the dark. That is the epitome of freedom and liberty. Freedom to experiment test out what you are drawn to and what the aversions are and Liberty to enjoy your uniqueness without negatively affecting another.  In many technical schools I attended and graduated as well as College so often the term arose "But this is how it is in the real world." Or how it is done etc..  How many ways are there to feed your Parakeet, then consider how many ways there are to go on an adventure. Hmmm. Humans have things in common and so do subcultures that is how we identify one another but there is no conformity to the non-conformist without risking violating the very principle the title suggests. Back to us and in particular Master Slave or Dominant one and Submissive one.

If you don't know something interact and take notes to teach each other to test the limits (have a safety code word please). Two main areas of interest serving as a sub and the aspect of Pleasure Slave (Not my words I borrowed them from the book with the same name). If the dom has a procedure for housework and the sub is comfortable with it go for it. The realm of erotica has to be "a work in progress" in the best use of my brain and experience. It will evolve as it should, please Dom and Sub, and blossom as it grows if it becomes stagnant it isn't any different than the millions of coupes out there who say, "My significant other doesn't excite me anymore." I need a new spouse. Then time goes by and the whole thing repeats. Do Doms and Subs run their course also yes? Many times, but in the auspices I have observed this is governed with less or no formal contract. Pack up your tent and then move to the next oasis is perfectly fine unless there is "Palimony".

The definitions of heterosexual, bi, gay monogamous, polygamous, and so on only apply when both Dom and Sum agree on the term that describes their relationship. If I get my chance I may call it a visiting kissing cousin, or our experiment, or our purely romantic Love, whatever, (my ill but living wife has complicated things because while her disease has made her asexual, I honor my commitment to take care of her and no woman I came close to enjoying as a friend with benefits so far accepts this condition).

Write your own story but make it exciting and refreshingly creative and please keep out jealousy and reprisal. I still have a love for all my exes two wives and several Lovers I have room for more but scammers need not apply.

Some years ago whenever I drove somewhere I always noticed the homes and houses that seemed to be owned by affluent people: more affluent than me. Then as time went by I realized I had to retool my vision and look at the houses owned by people less fortunate than I and that led me to consider what about the people who are invisible to me?  That was an epiphany: I recognized the world was populated by people of all levels of affluence or even impoverished. Now that was interesting since I grew up poor working from an early age lived in all kinds of neighborhoods, So what does that have to do with my thoughts on this site?

Having been made aware of the M/S culture and related lifestyles I look all around me and wonder what is happening behind closed doors. The Pedophiles make the evening news the violent type do too but the ordinary keep to themselves in BDSM hiding in planesite. Part of my military experience, my artistic side, and my incomplete liberal arts training alert me to being more observant. It harkens back to my Hippie days in the counter-culture: Take a closer look around yourself friend you will be surprised at what you may find.

On Friday my wife and I will have our 39th wedding anniversary. In her mind, It probably will not register since she has Alzheimer's/Dementia/Aphasia. Looking back she was a perfect submissive woman but I knew nothing about that back then. When we had a bump we went for marriage counseling and I was told she just wanted me to love her. I thought I was doing all the right things. Now I know better and the little bit of cognitive ability she has is her core personality (doctors told me that will be the last part of her brain to die) and she responds accordingly in every way except she doesn't want sex anymore and hasn't for more than three years.

Excerpts from ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 0990544141 ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-0990544142 Page 7 and 8  The Way of the Pleasure Slave Paperback – June 29, 2019 by Andrew James (Author)

I would have been a better husband if I were a Master Dom back then

I was going through months of caregiving stress without a companion for affection, comfort, or sex for more than three years. I had visited a post where the woman wrote something to the effect that she would teach a class in M/S; I sent a message indicating I would be interested. I went about my tragic history of being scammed at least nine times willing to pay a woman to help me take care of my wife or at least take me off the "this man is seriously horney list." I engaged in one failed attempt to have an FWB after another. It was at that time I noticed I kept getting emails from Priscilla a dominatrix. Finally, after several months of this, I replied who are you?

She told me we briefly met on a friend seekers site and indicated I was interested in learning about a Master-Slave relationship so she told me how to register and when I could have a place in her next class; she added this is a way for you to solve two problems: 1) help caring for my wife and home 22) someone to care for me and my needs. She told me I could have two slaves with you anytime.

Slaves? Really? What kind of slaves? She said they are highly trained. Stay away from ordinary dating sites "they might ruin you." Ruin me? So that was the start of quite an enlightenment. I have an AA in Physics and an assortment of liberal arts studies so including social anthropology would enable me to take that and my seventy-six years of life to quickly grasp what I was taught and see human life from an entirely different perspective from the Western Judio Christian culture I was raised in a taught was the only truth. 

A bell went off in my head and it harkened back to my Hippie days and the upheaval that society went through in the Sixties. From Hippie to Soldier of the Month bent on "Debauchery: Extreme indulgence in bodily pleasures and especially sexual pleasures: behavior involving sex, drugs, alcohol, etc. that is often considered immoral. … he was glad when others joined them, men and women; and they had more drink and spent the night in wild rioting and debauchery." (Only a little exaggerated) And then, and then, 50 years of conformity to social "norms mostly" Until family and friends abandoned me to the lone task of care for my lovely wife of 39 years (early onset) Alzheimer's/Dementia/Apashia more than 3 years doing it alone but with health and mental support from The Veterans Administration.