I appreciate readers and a couple of friends, but I think it is in my best interest to stop blogging and focus on meeting people in person, no matter how difficult it is for me. I better visit my guru on a mountain top for a time. pixabay photo
I can't recall ever having as many healthcare appointments in one week as I had this past week. I am glad it is the weekend, as I used to be glad when I worked. Interacting with the staff at my healthcare facilities is cheerful, and I can put on a facade of doing well even when I am not.
My cat was right next to me but did not roust me or hurry me up, so he must be very intelligent, aware that I wanted to sleep an extra fifteen minutes. I pet him, he purred, and head bumped my chin. My Terrier was snoring lightly, so I let her sleep and went down to feed the cat.
What is my agenda today: Perform a cursory scan of news on the internet. Work on some art. Watch another refresher chess game study. Practice guitar and sing several old songs (I haven't worked on my songs for some time now). Select a documentary to watch and a program from the BBC for later.
Haven't had much of an appetite lately, prefer snacks, fast and light. Besides, my dining room and table are currently dominated by artwork and art materials.
The change back to cooler temperatures and a cloudy sky seems to paint a sense of sadness on me this morning, inside and out. (Pixabay image)
I visited one of my VA doctors yesterday, and the visit went well. She is my new psychiatrist and isn't as warm as my last one, who was recently forced into retirement. All is status quo, no changes in meds. I asked if there was a pill to alleviate loneliness. She blew it off as if I were an AI robotic human.
Cut the head of some insects, and they still function for a time. Cut a worm in two, and the halves squirm and usually morph into two new worms.
The only reason I put forth these examples is to illustrate my current sense of being. The life force is struggling to reassert itself. Reinvent itself. Find a new identity: This is a good development, though my life is fraught with isolation and loneliness. I hope it will pass.
pixabayBefore my wife passed, there were at least five years without intimacy (dementia). I sought a sub to be my FWB, had one briefly, but the overwhelming reality? I came to accept that the scammers were so good at convincing me that I was handsome, interesting, and desirable that I must have fallen into their traps without realizing it. All too often.
Now I don't know what to believe; even the praises that I cared for my wife for eight years out of forty-one seem disingenuous.
If I am such a "good man," why am I alone? Simple answer? People lie.
Back in the 90's, we considered another legal path because a bankruptcy lawyer made a mistake that cost us more money. We met with an older lawyer, and when we were in his office, his young wife and two small children stopped by. He was old enough to be their grandfather. So, what is the distinction between why he had a young wife and why I can't even find a companion in my age group?
It isn't money; it is security for the young woman; this lawyer's ability to provide a decent future for his young family. Yes, it was a practical decision.
I have enough tangible things, still active and still able to offer love, but apparently that is not enough. The one factor that could have helped, in my opinion, was being at least 10 years younger.
And so the curse one of my family members put on me seems destined to be valid: She said, " I hope you die alone with no one around to notice."
ADDENDUM: Yes, I dealt with depression all my life, and in 2022, my doctors finally diagnosed something I knew all along: I AM BIPOLAR. When I was actually able to interact with a psychiatrist, not just a psychologist or GP, I got real meds that work for me. She helped me cope with my wife dying slowly, and now, though I am sad, I can deal with it better between the meds and Cognitive Self-Therapy. Why does my family have a negative view of me? Most likely, the untreated bipolar illness. Too bad it came so late in my life. My late wife also had complex mental issues, and maybe it was the glue that held us together for forty-one years. NO, I AM NOT GIVING UP. I SEE A FLICKERING LIGHT AT THE FAR END OF THE CAVE. I have my interests, my cat and dog, art, and my music that I have reignited.
Most of you know I was my wife's only caregiver for eight years before she passed away, and that I was part of a caregiver group. Th group helped me in many ways, but especially by giving me permission to mourn gradually through the years. Yes, the long goodbye process helps, but it is not perfect: I have very challenging moments of sadness, and I wonder if they will ever fade away.
