The Culture that has been here all the time

No, not the death of my wife last month after an eight-year battle with dementia, but how it has affected me.

I have decided that what life I have left, I will live it alone. No, I still function well for my age; it's just that I do not want the drama and risks of another close relationship. The eight years I cared for my wife during her battle taught me much. Most of our family didn't help me, and the help I did get from anyone wasn't great. The exception was the three months Hospice supported me in the end.

I barely take care of the house and even myself; I just lack motivation. Sometimes love motivated me through life in ways I did not recognize, and now just the memories of the time of love aren't enough to energize me.

Jim

PS, I just had the loneliest Valentine's Day in my whole life.

There are many ways to view one's existence: The easiest way is to rely entirely on external factors. The most challenging approach is to strive for complete self-reliance. Exploring new possibilities can be a challenge, exhausting, and has unintended consequences.

Here are some seemingly innocent sayings: a) The devil made me do it, b) I was just following orders, c) It is the way it is done, d) That is the way I was taught. e) Everybody does it like that, g) I don't know what made me do it, h) It seems right to me, i) it is logical, j) It is what I believe . . .

Do you think about your life, or do you live it as it is without question?

Some people think I am a wise old man (at least the few I interact with). One reason is that when they learn that my wife and I have been together over forty years, and for several years I have been her only caregiver, it has grown more of a challenge each day. I don't think she recognizes me as her husband anymore, only as someone who is taking care of her.

What most people are unaware of is the details of a long-term relationship, including the challenges, successes, and failures that come along the way.

Seventy years of observation and experience lead me to these conclusions: 1. Love is easy 2. Trust is not easy. 3. Sex drive is always present, filled with temptations, needs, and tensions. NOTE: I believe that people in the BDSM community do better with sexual tensions because of the prevailing honesty of most participants.

Men and women inherently do not trust each other for good reason(s). If they fall in love and navigate the danger zones when trust is an issue or subconscious issue, they emerge with a better understanding of each other and develop a road to a better future.

It requires commitment, practice, and effective communication with one another.  Ancient wisdom still indicates it is best to have a mate and not be alone. (it is not good to be alone in effect I my reality is all me iam not made to be this way). 

What would be fun for me? I believe there are many nice things I can do, especially if I have the chance to leave the house: shop at a fresh produce stand, eat lunch out, take a ride and look at nature, including farms, walk my dog, and tend to my garden. Yet, while these are enjoyable, I cannot say they are fun-filled activities.

Having a lover would enhance all of the above, but if I had a lover once more, we could have lots of fun, enjoying sex and our kinks. Maybe someday I will once more.

image public domain

I can not estimate how many people are in the sex trade or related industries, but the government estimates about 30,000,000 worldwide, and it is at least a one billion dollar cash flow. 

If humans were realistic, there could be a widespread legal enterprise, and all involved would profit. Stocks, safety, health, and, with a proper age structure, taxes, and other benefits, such as collective health, would be a plus.

I admit, as a young man before I got married and while in the service, just as Paul Simon's lyrics in "The Boxer" say, "There were times when I was so lonesome I took some comfort there."

If it were to come up for a vote? I vote yes. pixabay image

I scan and read the news and feature articles each morning on several online sources, almost every morning (if not every morning), one or more of my beliefs are shattered. This famous hero, that movie star, a long-held belief, what was taught or what you were told was either wrong or not factual.

A big one for me? Old age is filled with "Golden Years"—everything from sickness, financial challenges, emotional strife, to fractured families.

Where are the grandchildren to enjoy and teach. Can I take a cruise with my wife, who has been stricken with dementia? 

It seems I've outlived just about all my family and most of my friends.

It seems to me that young people (at least during this era) shun older people.

Depending on which statistic you believe, 90% of your life is over: I am closer to the end than the beginning, I have heard it said.

The Irony with me? I still function well and move about fine; I have so much to share, so many stories to tell: My wife does not comprehend, and my Cat and Dog seem to say, "Yeah, yeah, we heard all that before, where is our food. pixabay

In 2017, my wife was diagnosed with dementia. In time, her symptoms increased. There was a period when she would break things or throw them. She wreaked havoc on our jewelry and rings. I removed my wedding ring at that time, and after several years, I still feel it is on my ring finger, though it has not been there for quite a while.. We have been married 40+ years now. pixabay

I understand all too well how difficult it is to trust someone on the internet: I have been lied to, scammed, and stolen from. I can't give up on finding a like-minded woman about 60 + or - to continue to explore BDSM. I still have my libido, and my partner is void of sexual function. 

If you want to explore BDSM together, I would be happy. I peruse the so-called dating sites for senior citizens and see plenty of older women supposedly seeking a sexual relationship. Here in eastern central PA, I have not connected with any woman who claims she is searching for a man to experiment with sex. 

Well, I am here waiting. pixabay

If you have true friends and family who visit, be sure to keep them close. All the people I seem to meet online are scammers, and they got me (I give up). It apparently is safer to be alone, even if the person you are with and caring for has been destroyed by dementia with aphasia and memory loss. pixabay

I caught 25 scammers by: 1. Discovering a lie, 2—misuse of language like syntax and idioms, 3. Trace an IP from email headers 4. Investigate name, address, and phone number (I used Intelius at this time, but there are others). 5 Google face recognition (free version). 6 inconguent narrative. 7 Use of brokers and requesting only a particular crypto. 8 Wiring money is untraceable but reveals much about you.

For instance, A Woman claimed to be in England with a passport; she was actually in Africa with a forged one. I sent several sums to the Philippines for a woman who claimed to live five miles away from me. An email supposedly from the mieast was traced to an empty building in California. Several women who told me they were local had phone numbers owned by people in other states.

I was suckered into an old inheritance scam  I found in a book in the library about scams, swindles and frauds. The information is out there; all you need is to be careful and approach a situation logically.

I hope you will not learn the hard way, as I have. "There's a sucker born every minute" is a quotation often associated with PT Barnum, an American showman of the mid-19th century. pixabay