The Culture that has been here all the time

I was disappointed with my religious community experience when the vast majority of Christian friends vanished when I needed help caring for my wife. Then my children and stepchildren were worse than absent; they blamed me for all the world's ills.

Reflecting on the whole experience, I have come to understand much about human behavior and the motivation driving it. I forgive, but overall, I will not allow myself to rely on 99% of these people again. Lesson learned.

My view on God is based on science (I majored in physics in college), not tradition or ideology. I never was angry with whomever God is.

Now for the important news: There is a UCC¹ church one and a half blocks from my back door, and I hear the bell when it rings often.

I went to the service yesterday and was pleased with the experience.

I walked despite a bad hip and weak heart, and that is something I need (walking); it is beneficial for me.

What is important about the church? It is liberal in its thinking, and that suits me greatly.

Bottom line: I plugged into a social environment and abandoned my isolation.

1 The United Church of Christ (UCC) is a mainline Protestant denomination formed in 1957 through the merger of several Congregational, Christian, Evangelical, and Reformed traditions. Known for its progressive stance, the UCC strongly advocates for social justice and is famously open and affirming to all, including the LGBTQ+ community.

In the past, when immigration was not a bad word, many of us were here because our families came to America for a better life. I am not going to itemize why that isn't so anymore and insult my past family whose names are listed on the Ellis Island register. Or point out how they worked in mines and quarries that ultimately cost them their lives. Instead, I am about to lament because I can't order a bride from somewhere in the current climate or my financial picture, either. I have a cousin who imported brides from Poland about twenty years ago, but he can't do that anymore. In fact, both of my grandmothers may have been brought here for my grandfathers around 1900. 

In the 1980s, a coworker successfully imported a bride from South America, had at least one child, and appeared to be happy. I lost touch years ago.

Today: " . . .

6. James, here’s the honest bottom line
Yes, it’s viable — but only if you treat it as international dating, not “ordering” a partner.

You’ve talked before about wanting companionship, warmth, and connection. Those things are absolutely possible, but they come from relationship building, not a service.

If you’re considering this because you’re lonely or wanting a fresh start, that’s human — but you deserve something real, not something risky."

I have several more things not in my favor: I lack Adequate finances for travel abroad, my age, and the current political climate.

Pixabay

Something propels all of us in some way. No, not a vehicle, more like a dream, a hope, or a vision. This energy is in us, whether we feel it directly or not. I have often wondered what my subconscious mind is up to. Why? because I see I have done something, gone somewhere, or acted in a way I hadn't expected. Let me illustrate with an example or two.

You who read my blog regularly know I reenergized my artist alter ego, what you can not know besides my engaging in working on paintings is that I started upgrading materials, even though I had plenty to work with. This action revealed two things to me: art materials draw my attention to that technologically, and items become my treasure. The whole experience is my joy because it engages my mind and my actions.

Let me take you back some months when my wife was still living, and I was her only caregiver. I was under stress, in need of help, and filled with a type of loneliness. I knew surfing the internet was risky, but it seemed to be my only option for alternatives and solutions. The benign way to describe it was that I was taken advantage of, and I believe I allowed it. Yet it met none of my needs except one: I had someone to communicate with, even if they were bogus.

So here I am this morning thinking about all this, and I am doing it without the luxury of a trusted partner, companion, or lover. I hope my subconscious mind gives me a clue as to where we are going.

pixabay dot com

OK, I wallowed in feeling life has hit a dead end long enough it is time to turn a page . . . no, start a new book. I hope the new book will begin with a new loving relationship and start making new memories. There is no one here but me and if a woman wants to do the same thing we can do it together.  

That is why I remain on this website after all, is it not?

pixabay image.

Yes, maybe coffee is part of it. But I have been the focus of doctors all my life because I have a dual challenge ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) + Bipolar, and to make things worse, the profession seems to keep changing the definition and how to treat it. Throw in bouts of clinical depression and borderline personality, and voilà, many, I am sure, have written papers on me. Yes, at times my life has been a nightmare, punctuated with good things like scholarships and achievement awards, dean's list, and honor society.  Most of all, creativity was when I could keep my focus on my work. Enough good things to outshine my inner torment. How do I cope? I will write about that later.

My first two wives, whom I loved, were riding my storms and did little to alter my course. Some humor now and then, like when my second mother-in-law asked, "Are you going to play one of your improvised fugues today?" LOL

My late wife number three had issues, and I believe she understood me best. She was my island of refuge in a dark, storm-tossed sea. Think of all the metaphors I lost when she passed away. Meds have stabilized me now for almost five years, but the other ingredient: desire to hold it all together, is waning.

Like many celebrities with similar issues, I turned my challenges into creativity and achievement; the world compliments me without seeing my inner struggles. And so I have resumed my focus as an artist using science and organizational skills to advance my renewed agenda.

Muse, where are you?

pixabay

Being alone with my memories is more of a curse because I lived through so many romantic relationships, and my heart aches from missing all of those times and lovers. Yes, they were wonderful and so romantic, like living in a novel or movie. Now? Emptiness and no loving touch to start each day. I fear I will live out what time I have left like this. 

Maybe it was all a dream, and I thought it was real?

I still love and miss her after all these years; my heart longs for her still as I think about her. This song describes that time perfectly:

         Gordon Lightfoot's song says it best: Softly

Softly she comes,
Whispers the breeze with her passing.
In secret love she is laughing.
Softly she comes in the night.

Softly she sighs,
Sweetly she lies, never sleeping.
Her fragrant soul in my keeping,
Softly she comes in the night.

Down the darkened hall,
I hear her footsteps on my stairs,
And she is in my arms once more.

Softly she goes,
Her shining lips in the shadows
Whisper goodbye at my window.
Softly she goes in the dawn.
Softly she goes in the dawn.

This song brings tears to my eyes my wife and I both liked it. My band covered it.

[Verse 1]
We walked the loneliest mile
We smiled without any style
We kiss altogether wrong
No intention
We lied about each other's drinks
We lived without each other thinking
What anyone would do
Without me and you

[Chorus]
It's like I told you
Only the lonely can play

[Verse 2]
So hold on, here we go

Hold on to nothin' we know
I feel so lonely way up here
You mention the time we were together
So long ago, well I don't remember
All I know is that it makes me feel good now

[Chorus]
It's like I told you
Only the lonely can play
Only the lonely
Only the lonely can play

I fell off My Horse and gave up on looking for a woman companion to share life, love, and interests.

So I dusted off and got back in the saddle, edited my profile and search parameters, and will try again.

Highlights? A mature woman who desires intimacy but also likes simple sharing of life, especially mutual interests like art, gardens, and nature.

Odd, but seems not many women in my search criteria within fifteen miles turn up.

pixabay images.

I have found hundreds of watercolor and pastel paintings, and I didn't even think I had that many. Looks like I did well with skies and landscapes, and there was a learning curve when it came to painting people. The long gap from then up until now indicates I must reawaken some of the skills I had, even as I am determined to learn and apply new technical knowledge in artwork.

It would be fun to team up with a woman who was herself an artist, and we could critique and encourage each other.

My late wife was very self-critical. She refused to sing and was reluctant to try any arts and crafts despite all my encouragement.

Old hands require more concentration and drawing aids. The aids were OK with some (if not many) of the old masters, so I will use what I need to keep working on my art.

Famous Masters used it too:

The most important thing an artist can do? Keep working.

PS: to catalog all my work will take a long time, and I will need a helper.