You know when someone complains about people around them but in the short space of time that you spend with said person, you feel what everyone else is talking about? If the person is not listening to the people around them, is it worth pointing out that the criticisms are true?
There are many common beliefs that I never thought I would subscribe to, one being that "If more than one person is telling you the same thing, maybe there is some truth to the feedback". There is so much shame associated with the idea of being flawed, but not all flaws are necessarily bad. I also strongly believe that people deserve empathy but there's a difference between empathy and the savior complex. How does one find a balance and the ability to discern? I have been collecting thoughts on these questions.
A person without self-awareness is exhausting when they constantly place themselves in a position of victimhood. I have never believed in the concept of the perpetual victim before, I have always felt like this concept was dismissive of people's struggles. I still believe that the concept of the perpetual victim is sometimes weaponized against vulnerable people but sometimes pointing it out is warranted.
When you are actively harming people around you or harming yourself with self-destructive tendencies, your behavior should become a cause for concern.
Are you misplacing your anger on people who didn't consent to receive your anger and who have less power than you? Are you taking advantage of your authority over those who are vulnerable?
Are you possibly single because you do not listen to your potential partner and would rather try to manipulate a relationship to your benefit? Are you incapable of taking no for an answer?
Are you constantly stirring unnecessary drama?
Are you really difficult to love or are you a bottomless pit that cannot be satiated with all the attention and love in the world? Are you overwhelming?
Are you an avoidant person who doesn't allow others to get to know you and hence cannot form proper connections?
Are you superficial and measure the respect that people deserve based on your ability to be sexually attracted to them or how they fit societal standards of a "respectable person"?
Are people telling you that there is an elephant in the room that is your harmful behavior and you are adamantly denying that there is an elephant in the room? How do you improve if you are choosing to wear blindfolds of pride? If you choose to close your ears with the fingers of shame? If you block out the advice with words of ignorance?
Obviously, the idea that one is a perpetual victim does not apply to someone who has a marginalized identity and is constantly being discriminated against. Discrimination is a real thing and the struggles of a person being discriminated against are very much valid.
There are many reasons why you may not be getting along with others. You might not be everyone's cup of tea but rather coffee. It is still your responsibility to find out why you are repeating harmful cycles.
There are times when you might find yourself in a space or situation that you do not fit in or may be harmful to you. The pressure from that harmful space may bring out the worst in you. You may feel like a cat in a corner that pounces when feeling threatened. Even though your reactions may be valid, it is still your responsibility to get yourself out of that situation or speak up to seek support. The pressures of society are not worth your sanity.
The best advice that my former therapist has ever given me was to "go where you are celebrated'. This should be common sense but when you are taught that you are worth less, you believe that less is what you deserve. You end up knocking on doors that are shut especially for you and no one gives you the code or you try to learn elaborate rituals to enter certain doors. You won't need to struggle for the right doors to open for you. You shouldn't have to beg people to love and want you.
Self-awareness is still important to help you find the right people to surround yourself with, even when you accept that you aren't everyone's cup of tea. You need to know your needs, to be able to communicate your needs, to help others can accommodate and support you. You need to know what makes you feel loved, to allow people can give you that love. You need to know your vices, so you can reach out for support and help when needed.
I used to constantly feel like a cat in a corner because I stayed in situations that were not healthy for me. I thought I was hopeless and evil until I found people who didn't bring out the worst in me, who listened to me and validated me but could still widen my worldview and tell me when I made a mistake. I felt safe. On the other hand, I still had to do a lot of work to make sure that I was a safe person to be around and was not draining the people around me by being an insatiable bottomless pit begging for love from those who cannot give it to me.
I never thought I would be a person who says "No one will save you but yourself", but I don't mean it in the individualistic tone that is often used. I believe that even when there are saviors, which you will meet many, you still need to know yourself enough to know the issues that you need the most help to fix and what methods work well for you.
If you are in the position of being the support system, you cannot help someone who is unwilling to do the work or is incapable of seeing what they need to change.
No human can be entirely harmless but a true test of a person's character is not only how they treat the people they like but rather how they treat everyone especially those who are vulnerable, their ability to own up to mistakes then find solutions, and the ability to be self-introspective.
