One thing that has been haunting me, as a submissive, was when someone tried to use their past hurtful experiences to guilt me for leaving them. The whole situation baffled me because I tried to be as transparent as possible, from the beginning. I was also a very new sub when I first connected with them, I met them on my very first day on the Cage. I was aware that I was not suitable for a long-term dynamic because I didn't know what I was doing and I was still figuring out what I wanted, I knew I would make mistakes. I was clear that I was not looking for anything long-term because I wasn't even planning on staying on this platform for more than a month but when I decided to stay, I was very confused for a while.
I did feel guilty because I felt like I was abrupt with the ending and that maybe I was not communicating properly. I spoke about the situation with friends that I made on this platform and I tried to apologize to the person multiple times. I haven't spoken to them in months but it still weighed heavy on my heart. I didn't mean to hurt someone and that is why I was honest from the beginning.
I am now feeling pissed off because I realize how manipulative it was. Being faced with a similar situation recently, I realized that would never place the burden of my trauma on another person to influence their actions or guilt them for any reason. I almost did though, I recently almost made my trauma someone else's burden but I immediately came to my senses. We have to admit that forcing someone to do something that they don't want to a recipe for disaster.
In my previous dynamic, I had a disagreement with my Dom about something that was extremely triggering to me. It felt like the feather on the camel's back because I was having a bad week. As I found myself begging for him to validate my emotions in a way that made me feel safe. I realized that it was futile. Communication is something that I emphasized on multiple occasions and I also spoke about past traumatic experiences to help them understand why it was important to me. When I realized that it didn't matter, I had a moment where I asked myself why was I not good enough to be heard and cared for in a way that I deserved. Then I came to a moment of clarity that you cannot force someone to care about you.
This is such big progress for me because a past version of me would remain in love with potential and would guilt herself into staying while ignoring her own needs (a selfish self-sacrifice). A past version of me would have let resentment build and let it create a lot of hatred in the relationship, which would be more painful for both of us. It doesn't feel good. That I let go and made peace with the situation is probably why I could move on quickly without any intense emotions. Heck, past me would have been damaging her heart further with a real heartache (I get real chest pains when I am heartbroken).
I think there is a difference between leaning on someone for support and being manipulative. I had extensive conversations in my previous dynamic about how clear communication is extremely important to me and I thought I was heard. When I found myself beginning to beg to be heard and seen, I realized that it was not about the situation anymore but something deeper. I realized that if I had the slightest bit of self-respect, I wouldn't force someone to want me.
Those feelings that come from unmet needs, like the feeling of rejection, being unlovable, and being abandoned, are inevitable in situations like this but I have been constantly reminding myself that my self-worth is not dependent on things or people external to me. Those things or people may enhance my life when I do have them and I will grieve when I lose them, however, overstaying where I am not supposed to is not worth it.
I once said that communication doesn't work when you don't have the same values as the person that you're trying to connect to. My only frame of reference for this was my best friend but I had been yearning to experience the feeling with a Dom. However, I have always been scared of forcing a man to act outside of their conditioned way of communicating. I am extremely sensitive and when I don't have the same communication style as a person or they don't want to talk to me, I experience physical discomfort when forcing a conversation.
I am finally experiencing what healthy communication is in my current dynamic. It feels so natural, I don't have to overcompensate in any way and I don't have the feeling of impending doom. I am getting everything that I used to beg others for, every little thing that I want, and the best part is that I didn't have to ask my current Dom to speak to me or treat me in a specific way, we are just similar people. Neither did I have to trauma dump to get this.
It's very difficult to communicate with someone who wants things their way or the highway or someone who just can't be honest with themselves. I used to think that I was asking too much, that I was a volatile and horrible person until I got the communication that I have always wanted. It's the most mature experience that I have ever had. I am the calm and understanding woman that I've always known I am because I am treated like a person. I don't feel like I have to force understanding, there is no unnecessary defensive behavior when I express discomfort, and my feelings are acknowledged.
He treats me with kindness and respect, he shows how much he wants me but he doesn't suffocate me. He cares about my mind and my worldview. However, though we are both into esoterics/spirituality/witchcraft, we disagree on schools of thought (that has been our biggest argument but we made up). The best part is that he is transparent but shares just enough for me to feel like I am getting to know him and that I am part of his life. He still maintains anonymity though (that is important). I don't have to wonder about anything and he is always fully present and engaged in the conversation when we chat. But, he still puts me in my place when I don't follow instructions, lol.
Begging someone to stay with you out of pity is an indication of a deeper issue and a person needs to introspect. I hope anyone who finds themselves in this situation will realize that they deserve better. It's a recipe for a super toxic situation to force someone to do something that they don't want. My understanding of the basis of submission within BDSM is enthusiastic consent, that the sub needs to want to and feel safe enough to give their power away. Right?
There's so much more that I want to say but I am holding myself back. I am questioning how those two situations would translate into real-life (offline) situations and the potential for real harm in one way or another.
