My whole country is searching for a missing pair of shoes on TikTok. I have never seen my country this united in trying to solve an internal problem. They're usually this united when they are bullying people from other countries. (Yes, I am distancing myself because I am not a bully).
Here is what happened, a woman posted a video of herself questioning her husband on a Gucci receipt she found in his car. This receipt was for a woman's shoe and it cost R18 300 ( around $1000). In South Africa, that's the equivalent of an average salary in a job that requires a degree. He looked like a guilty puppy: an awkward smile, looking down and avoiding eye contact.
She asked him, "George, where is the shoe? I don't have the shoe". Then she posted a follow-up video of herself searching the boot of his car.
The whole country is now asking "George, where is the shoe?", even brands like NetflixSA and Nandos are joining in the "interrogation". As a country, we never take anything seriously, especially a good cheating scandal. We even started calling our president "Cupcake", after we found out that that's the pet name his mistress calls him. With the George scandal, influencers are being monitored by the people and some are taking advantage of the situation by posting unboxing videos of Gucci shoes. Content creators are going into full investigations, finding the exact style of the shoes so we know what we are searching for. I've heard jokes about taking a day off work to find the shoes. There are content creators appealing to the "Judas" of the alleged mistress's friend group to release the messages of their group chats. There are official brand billboards and adverts also searching for the shoe.
As much as I am laughing at all of this, I am also having flashbacks of the extraordinary lengths the women around me would discuss going to keep their husbands from cheating. I remember one of my uncles deleting WhatsApp because "It causes problems." This was after I witnessed my step-sister and my mother come together to delete any suspicious contacts on my stepfather's phone. I've also heard women speak about how they would rather do their own housework despite working full-time than have a domestic worker who might steal their husbands.
I've heard these stories my entire life but they weren't enough to put disdain in me for cis het monogamy. I'm not saying that queer people don't have issues of their own, but as a cis het person, I find cis het relationships to be hell. I was in an abusive relationship in my early 20s and from the first week that we were together, he went through my phone, would pick fights, and made me delete men from my WhatsApp. I refused to let go of my male best friend, I needed to put my foot down somewhere. This man hated my female friends too. I didn't go clubbing or anything like that (not that it matters) but I only saw my friends once in a while for an art event, for a hike or to explore the city and he would throw tantrums afterward.
My ex was such a hypocrite because he was texting his ex and he had a female best friend. I never hated his female bestie, I adored her and her boyfriend. I understand how much time, effort, and experience goes into cultivating a long-term friendship. When it was his birthday, I supported her business. When I wanted to do something special for him, I would plan with her. He kept his money with her and she stole his money. I felt a sense of joy, those were the consequences of his actions. I still adored her. We once, unknowingly, dated the same guy way before we officially met and we bonded over that. When the country had raids "searching for illegal immigrants", even though she had her papers, I still checked up on her along with all my foreign friends and boyfriend who was at work that day.
To this day I still have anxiety over a man controlling me to the point of suffocating me. When that relationship ended (because he verbally attacked my FEMALE best friend), I had moved into a high-control spiritual community that was centered around celibacy to the point of separation of the sexes. There wasn't any real separation though, men and women still had to work together to keep the place together. It was just a lot of misogyny in the sermons and decision-making. There was also a lot of fighting amongst us. At some point, I was the scapegoat and got into trouble for having male friends (I was friends with EVERYONE who needed a friend). I was so rebellious though, no one was going to tell me what to do. It was a good decision because when I experienced dark times, both men and women were there for me, and none of the people who judged me.
I never really thought about polygamy until I found out that the West African businessman that I was in a situationship with was married. I don't know why I was determined to become the second wife when he claimed that I could be anything I wanted to him. It was stupid of me because I was "out of sight and out of mind" when he left my country, every single time. When I spoke to my friends about it, they were horrified. "How do you think the wife would feel?" Years later, I realized that it was a good thing that I hated babies enough that I never let this man put one in me and that our relationship never progressed because I found out that he and his wife assaulted his affair partner who was begging for child support.
Polygamous marriages are legal in my country but it is not socially accepted because it is still very patriarchal. According to tradition, the first wife is supposed to consent to the second wife but in many cases, the consent is given reluctantly, through coercion, or under duress. It is not consent if it is not enthusiastic. Also, only men are allowed to have multiple wives under customary law. Our government was considering introducing a law allowing women to have more than one husband but there was a lot of controversy.
There are women who believe that women who accept a polygamous marriage have no self-respect. I write a lot about how much I hate these blanket statements. I once saw a post on a social media platform that shared these sentiments and there were women in the comment section giving valid reasons why they would like a polygamous marriage. Reasons such as sharing the responsibility of child-rearing, lessening the burden of wifely duties such as cleaning and taking care of the in-laws, and taking turns to please the husband. Another interesting trend is that there are women who prefer to be mistresses because it's a more exciting position and has way fewer responsibilities than being a wife (good for them).
A part of me wants to question why cheating is a thing when ethical polyamory is a possibility but then I remember that it isn't socially acceptable and it's not always actually ethical. On the other hand, I understand the turmoil of a spouse being asked to be polyamorous when they are set on spending their life as monogamous. As a woman, there's so much pressure on you to make sure that your husband is happy, when he wants another partner the first question that must run through her head is "Why am I not enough? Am I not performing my duties well?". It essentially feels like you're being replaced without being replaced. I imagine that it would be the same for a man too.
This is why I am wary of married men, even those in open relationships or separated men. Was the relationship open with enthusiastic consent? Is the open relationship something that is done to spice up the relationship or is it an escape? You can hear the difference in how someone speaks about their spouse, if they are mentioned at all. Are you in a culture or community where women are allowed to have some sexual freedom? Is she also allowed to find a partner? If there is some anxiety, how are you encouraging and comforting her? Are you genuinely okay with her dating other people, especially when you're separated? We've all heard the stories of a spouse asking the other to open their marriage but then they become envious when their spouse gets more attention than them.
Modern polyamory does exist in my country in more progressive corners: with the youth, in art spaces, in Queer spaces, in BDSM spaces, etc. They get spoken about negatively but I think the world would be much better if people were just honest with themselves. It's so much better than the "traditional" way of doing things, where the woman knows her husband is cheating and just allows it because "All men cheat" but she has to be loyal otherwise the consequences for her are harsher, possibly life-threatening. I am also tired of hearing people place themselves into a sickening anxiety over loyalty, whether it is fear that you might get into trouble for speaking to the gender that you are attracted to or being afraid that your spouse is about to replace you or "make a fool out of you".
I used to think that I was a jealous person but I just wanted transparency and fairness. I was recently in a polycule dynamic and I realized that I'm happy being with one person but I don't mind them being with other people, I just want to know that the other people exist. I don't have the energy to please more than one person. At the same time, I don't believe that one person can fill all of your needs. What if I do want to explore more in the future? Most importantly, I want to be safe enough to not get into trouble for ridiculous reasons. I feel comfortable in my desires now and I've learned how to have better and clearer conversations on polyamory in any relationship.
I wish more people could build relationships based on their preferences instead of what is expected of them by everyone else. I wish more people were comfortable enough to be honest with themselves about their preferences. I also wish more cis het relationships were conducive to change and growth.
