My mother is fine. They let her off on a warning and her abuser did not get bail today but will go into another hearing. The whole process was intense and stressful. There was so much miscommunication and getting money for the lawyer was exhausting because we had a series of unfortunate events but it was eventually sorted. The court is just a 10-15 minute walk from my house and that helped so much. We were at the court since morning and we only left in the afternoon. It was also a very hot day, we were so exhausted.
My mother and the abuser were locked up in the same building and appeared at the same time in court but they kept her at a slight distance. It was so surreal to see him again. It's still weird watching someone that I grew up around ruin their life in this way. It makes no sense. You would never hear me verbally say that though, when my mother and grandmother were shocked that things ended up this way, I reminded my mother that this man has been telling her who he is for the past 20 years. I still think about how much of a lifestyle change prison is. Consequences though.
A few months ago I said that I wanted to move out from home by December and that is not happening. Besides the fact that my life is not together, a part of me is scared of leaving my grandmother. I am trying to move nearby. There's an area in my city that I dream of living in. I feel about this place the way Marylin Monroe speaks of Brooklyn. I thought that I would retire there one day but I recently decided that I want to settle there. It's just a 10-minute drive from my family home and down the road from my mother's work. I don't want to be accessible though.
It's on a hill, so depending on where you are in the area, you can see the ocean. Right now, I can only smell it on a humid day and I am surrounded by industrial buildings. The house I'm looking at doesn't have ocean views but the other house I dream of has ocean and city views. They've been on the market for years because the street is a little dodgy and the houses have weird architecture. I love the quirkiness though. They are perfect for one person. I visualise my life in those houses every day.
My grandmother is very independent and my mother is selective of what she cares about. If something breaks in her house, my grandmother goes on as if nothing is wrong. When I lived in another city, I would visit and my grandmother's living room bulbs would not be working and she would sit in the dark to watch her TV. Even if she told my mom, my mom would forget. My mother is also getting old and it's scary. My best friend and I talk about our fears of looking after our aged mothers one day as eldest/only daughters with mommy issues. When I was in my early 20s, I did not hesitate to get away but now I do fear being too far.
As much as I was angry at my mother, I am also very proud of her. She's been going to therapy for the past few months, now she has a psychiatrist and a social worker. The gravity of the situation is slowly sinking in. I never thought that I would see the day that she takes her mental health seriously. I was also a bit sceptical of her intentions and commitment at first. I've been begging her to go to therapy for the past 5 years. Though the last time we had a big conversation about this, I was deflecting because I had a crisis and I was in big trouble, she had to help me get out of the trouble. I understand when she is mean to me right now to deflect, I still don't accept it though. I think our relationship is getting better though.
One thing is for sure though, shame is NOT going to help me get through the fear that I am feeling. Shame is a very limiting and destructive feeling. Shaming oneself into change does not work. Shame is suppression instead of actually dealing with your feelings. Also, it's my home. One is supposed to feel safe at home. It baffles me when people are so fixated on that part of my life that they totally ignore anything else that I say. Most of the time, it's important to listen to how a person wants to be helped, instead of working from a saviour complex.
I don't understand how I say the I am concerned about my family's well-being and the solution is "be independent". That doesn't solve the problem that there are two very stubborn and independent women who are ageing, money is not a problem for them to look after themselves but I don't trust them to make good decisions and have the right priorities. Also, the world is terrifying and constantly changing. I do have to move eventually though, I can't be here forever. For the most part, I do feel ready to finally move on with my life and I feel a hope that I have never felt before.
As exhausting as it is and as much as I complain, I will never regret being there for my family. That's what my family does.
Once I leave home though, I am not moving back. I'm planning my life to avoid the chaos of my 20s and accommodate my brain. Autistic people struggle to hold down jobs, are often in employment that they are overqualified for and are often paid less.
Funny enough, when I sought to confirm my diagnosis, the student therapist that I was seeing was also fixated on me becoming "independent'. She gave me the journal article with these stats and then totally ignored them. I sent videos and journals explaining how I was feeling and she completely ignored those too. I was in such bad shape that I was struggling to eat and I was so anxious that I was paranoid. At some point, I even quit therapy and only returned when her supervisor had an opening to do the assessment.
My independence was dependent on my diagnosis. I don't want to get into another job that burns me out in 6 months (autistic burnouts are dangerous) and I don't want to get into another toxic relationship. I don't want to have a crisis after a crisis. I don't want to hit rock bottom again. I can avoid those things when I know my brain and can communicate my needs better. I am a completely different person than I was 5 years ago. I feel a peace that I never thought that I would ever feel.
Tomorrow is finally pizza day. I plan my day around food, lol. Having PCOS (which is a genetic hormonal disorder caused by insulin resistance), I have to think deeply about what is nutritious, keeps me full for long periods of time and will also stimulate my taste buds and brain. I also find cooking to be meditative, it's where I get my best ideas and I make sense of my work. I can't always make elaborate things though, I eat the same thing most days to avoid decision paralysis. I get excited when I have the energy to be creative.