Rambling blog...
Started out barefoot and on the streets at 17. Now 34 with my own house.
I say that to myself every morning in the mirror. To remind me to remain focused, humble, and flexible. I remember lessons past and achievements earned. Those who doubted, cursed, undermined, and attacked me throughout the years. And the lessons I had to teach before I got to fully learn, but luckily turned out ok for everyone involved. It is no shaming factor to admit one's luck. Be just as proud of your ability to survive as you are in your opportunities to succeed.
Walking through my house barefoot. Enjoying the warmth of hardwood floors beneath my feet. I slide my feet through the grooves, proud that I spent a decent amount of time smoothing the floors of splinters and splits.
This morning, I started counting all the things that I'm grateful for. And the hard-lined truths about why I'm missing certain things in my approach to BDSM and searching for new partners. The first thing that I am thankful for is the snow falling this morning. It keeps ringing in my mind how long I spent in the desert and many of the things in regular life that I missed out on. The second thing that I'm thankful for is the time skip. Seeing potential love interests change throughout the years has helped my personal perspective in judging and evaluating new people and interactions. Yes, COVID is helping....but not helping at the same time. The third thing I'm thankful for is awareness. In my romantic life, Mari will always hold the championship title. She was the first woman to ever ask me if I had food allergies and what gifts I hated getting on my birthday. She was too in-depth for me as a young soldier with a death wish. But now that I'm semi-retired, smoking a grandpa pipe and making hand ground coffee, I wish this version of me could take a shot at all Mari was offering. I'm thankful I have that experience to depend on when remembering those who were there for me, those who comforted and provided for me in my times of need.
Speaking of awareness, the aforementioned "components", of myself as a person and what I have to offer as a life partner, though vital, do not dictate who is the best option for me based on what phase I'm going through in life. To me, that means I was distracted by the pursuit of a stable station, under the impression that this alone would ensure my best case scenario for other parts of my life. Including BDSM. This approach helped me mature faster than my peers, but also accelerated the eventual breakdown process of relationships. Especially relationships where I kept an end time in mind. Not a healthy habit.
In my younger pursuits, while meeting new partners, a guilty pleasure of mine was the comparison. Knowing that I was better than my formers. Learning my own shortcomings in the process. But, if I'm honest, I also learned to hide flaws better than fix them. This was not helped by the realization that I was coming across women with more and more drastic dating backstories. Soon to be divorcees dealing with the struggles of discrete casual dating....seems to be a common scene. In BDSM, we work on breaking down barriers, b
From what I have seen, the American Dream is filled with traps that many don't recover from. I believe that many people turn to things like BDSM as more of an escape than a path to a better self. This is a distinction was something I was rarely if ever, concerned with when I was a younger dom. I regret I am only now identifying this need from years of its absence. And the potential setbacks that accompany such lacking accounts.
