Digressive ramblings, erotic tales and everything in-between.

I work in retail in a managerial role. I have always enjoyed conversation and people in general, but I need my time and space alone to unwind, recharge and relax. Since mid-March, I haven’t been able to fully recharge. My days off are now spent with no private tine and dreading going to work the next day. I’m not that kind of person, but this has all turned me so cynical.

With that said, times like this make me want to surrender even more. I’m submissive through and through, but in times like this my masochist really craves to come out and play. I want pain more than ever and I’m not talking just enough to turn me on. I want deep bruises that turn me on even a week later as they ache. I want tears streaming down my face. I want fear. I want what a lot of people would consider torture. I want to be able to let go and surrender and only be able to feel physically, not emotionally. I want that space where the only thoughts are in that moment or nothing at all.

I think a part of me wants pain as a punishment for becoming so cynical and letting outside sources change me. Deep down I’m still the same big-hearted person, but I’ve become snippy with customers and that just isn’t me *at all*. I need an attitude adjustment. I need some sense inflicted into me. I also need a beer and a good nights sleep. And on that note, it’s off to bed for me. 

I’ve always felt so relaxed in the water. Floating, swimming, diving - it always made me feel weightless and free. Focused on my breath and free of the woes of the world in that moment. I was always the shy, quiet kid that never did anything to act out or show off for fear of being watched. In the pool was a whole different story. Once I choked down my conscience walking to the pool or lake, I didn’t care once I was in the water.

Even now that I’m a grown woman with a job, bills and all the stress that comes with it, water still gives me that free feeling. I’m not even that fond of summer, but being able to swim is the one thing I look forward to every year and still one of the most sure times I absolutely love every inch of my perfectly flawed and still beautiful body. So, in the words of Modest Mouse, “We’ll all float on, alright”.

Better late than never, right?

I had seen this challenge posted by SensualSubGirl a few days ago and thought it was a very inspiring, but I wasn’t quite ready to personally participate. I thought about it yesterday and more so today and realized that I always support body positivity and self-love, but I haven’t ever really done anything myself in solidarity. This picture shows my most self-conscious part of me. My stomach. I used to self-tie loosely so the rope wouldn’t sink into my skin/fluff, but in learning how to tie, I learned that if the rope isn’t tied tight enough, the tie won’t hold. One day I decided I didn’t care anymore and tied tighter. I still have my days where my rope makes me feel sexy, yet insecure. In participating in this challenge, I hope it inches me toward loving all my curves and helps someone else see that their body is beautiful, too.

I was a single mother experiencing a very depressed and lonely part of my life. I had always enjoyed rough sex but none of my partners had been very adventurous. At that point in my life I had never even heard of BDSM or anything else kinky for that matter.

Then I met him.

We met on okcupid. We talked for a few weeks and then he asked me on a date. He worked the night shift mostly and rarely had a day off where he was actually free. I knew if I ever wanted to see him my only chance would be to accommodate his schedule. I choked down my anxiety and decided to meet with him.

We hit it off immediately.

We had dinner and afterward, when we were about to go our separate ways, he asked if he could give me a hug. I was so innocent back then and have always loved hugs so I said sure!

He hugged me and picked me up and in the process he whispered “Oh, the things I would do to you in my bedroom.” At first I was in shock, but like I said, it was a very lonely part of my life so I decided to take a chance. He had me follow him back to his apartment, which looking back now was SO stupid of me but you only live once, right?

After we arrived we went up to his apartment. After unlocking the door he held it open as I entered and that small gesture simply blew my mind.

We walked inside, he sat down on the couch, turned on the TV and very sternly told me to sit in his lap. I was so shocked I didn’t know what to do except do as he said.

For about 30 minutes we just cuddled. He rubbed my back, my hands and my feet while we watched a movie. Then, he started massaging my legs, slowly working his way up the insides of my thighs. He told me, in his own words, that he wanted to fuck me senseless and make me cum on his cock. Sensing my trepidation, he told me to relax and if I ever wanted to stop or if anything hurt too badly I should use the safe-word “pumpernickel.” He picked me up damsel-style, carried me to his bedroom, stood me up and told me to strip.

He said that I had exactly 5 minutes to get completely nude and lay down on his bed; my head on his pillows, my arms above my head and my legs spread wide.

I did as he instructed and after the 5 minutes was up, he returned and sat down beside me and told me that I was not to move or I’d be flogged. He rubbed my entire body down with lube. He then told me to stand up with arms behind my back and legs spread wide while slowing turning around so he could examine his work. He took off his clothes, laid on his bed and told me to ride his cock. I was so turned on that I needed to cum almost immediately. He was able to sense this and made me stop. He told me I could not cum unless he gave permission and that the only way he would give it was if he was inside me. He told me resume and soon after I asked for permission to cum.

He granted my request.

I came so hard I was shaking.

After I had recovered a bit he told me to get on my hands and knees with my feet hanging off the edge of his bed and my ass up in the air.

I FUCKING love doggy style so I was excited to say the least.

I absolutely wasn’t prepared for what happened next. He shoved his cock in my ass, grabbed my hips and began fucking my hole with no lube except what was left from when he rubbed me down earlier.

I had never done anal before so let’s just say that it HURT. But what had started as unbearable pain ended up being the most mind blowing orgasm I’d ever had. He pulled out and came on my back not long after. He then told me to clean up everything. Afterward, without so much as a minute of talk, he basically pushed me out the front door.

Every time I visited thereafter it was pretty much the same except he added things like the tying of my wrists to my ankles or using toys on me or fingering me until I squirted multiple times.

My first experience with BDSM never had a name or rules; just orders and really kinky sex. I’ve been hooked ever since!

and thank you to Soullesscorpse for your superior proofreading skills ;)