I work in retail in a managerial role. I have always enjoyed conversation and people in general, but I need my time and space alone to unwind, recharge and relax. Since mid-March, I haven’t been able to fully recharge. My days off are now spent with no private tine and dreading going to work the next day. I’m not that kind of person, but this has all turned me so cynical.
With that said, times like this make me want to surrender even more. I’m submissive through and through, but in times like this my masochist really craves to come out and play. I want pain more than ever and I’m not talking just enough to turn me on. I want deep bruises that turn me on even a week later as they ache. I want tears streaming down my face. I want fear. I want what a lot of people would consider torture. I want to be able to let go and surrender and only be able to feel physically, not emotionally. I want that space where the only thoughts are in that moment or nothing at all.
I think a part of me wants pain as a punishment for becoming so cynical and letting outside sources change me. Deep down I’m still the same big-hearted person, but I’ve become snippy with customers and that just isn’t me *at all*. I need an attitude adjustment. I need some sense inflicted into me. I also need a beer and a good nights sleep. And on that note, it’s off to bed for me.
