Under The Whip

When are you most aware of being an owned submissive?

So there are so many instances where this feeling and awareness comes into play. It happens ALL the time. Naturally it is ALWAYS when my Masters get that very masculine stern tone. I am certain that the majority of submissives get that feeling when their owners do that.

However what I want to talk about is the moment that happened to me today. I have so many rules to follow and I love each and every moment of them. I am only allowed to eat what my Masters approve of. I have to be grateful for the food they give me.

On top of it I have to ask to eat my food when it is given to me. I have ways to ask in different settings. So yes even a way to do so in a vanilla setting that no one will ever recognize or know about. If I am not having a salad before my entree then I must also wait for them to take the first bite.

However I do not think anyone knows the struggle for me personally and my Masters having to have a slave who suffers with ARFID. Let me just tell you what that is like for me.

If the food smells bad...Nope
If the food is the wrong color...Nope
If the food touches each other...Nope
If the food tastes weird...Nope
If the food has an odd texture...Nope
I never feel hungry
I forget to eat all together
Don't ask me what I want...I dont want to eat.

The list goes on and on and let me tell you it is the most frustrating. Sometimes trying to get me to eat ends up with me sitting here frustrated and crying because I physically get sick. If I put something into my mouth that is bothered by one of the mentioned things at the top my body tells me spit it out or you will be forced to vomit.

I know it is really frustrating to my Masters. Not that this happens. They are so caring and understanding. I know they have told me the get frustrated only because they want to fix it for me and they just cant. I love them so much and I know it is not their fault.

There are moments I go through eating the same things over and over again for months at a time. Then I get so sick of it I cannot have it ever again, A year and half of French Toast with Yogurt and Fresh Fruit for breakfast. Now those fruits taste like dirt to me and the bread if far far far too sweet and weird tasting to the point I cannot even eat a sandwich.

So that leads me to today. The awareness that I am an owned submissive.

After my morning routine was started. It was time for breakfast. I was waiting for the typical conversation of what might sound interesting enough for me to eat. Nope, not today. Today I was handed a bowl of life cereal. I smiled and asked permission to eat it. I was able to eat it and this time I was able to even drink the small bit of left over milk which normally I cant.

It sparked such a happy feeling in the pit of my slave belly. The fire burned a bit brighter today and I was grateful and appreciative. It makes it so much easier sometimes to actually eat when the choice is taken away from me. Though that doesnt work ALL of the time.

I felt taken care of, loved, cherished and fully owned. My Master didnt even voice a command. He handed me the bowl in a silent order that I was to eat it. Taking that control from me as I have begged them to do makes not only my eating disorder so much easier to handle, but it grounds me even more. Sets my day up to be full of gooey emotions and feelings.

In a way I feel how he handled this morning was a reward to me. Odd as that sounds.

I dont know most might think I am silly for feeling this way but I do not care. My journey is my own and this small thing he did has lit my submissive heart on fire and has made my day warmer and now I know ALL day I will feel so loved, safe, protected, cherished and fully owned.

I love my Masters so much. Thank you for doing the one thing I asked so much for. Thank you for taking the control.

"To cede control to another is not weakness; it's a calculated risk, a dance of trust and vulnerability." Rope_aficionado

This quote right here is everything. When I hear people that are submissive or desiring to go and become a slave to someone but they dont even put themselves out there. They refuse to open up, be transparent and show the darkest part of their souls becuase they are "scared" to even share who they really are.

When you arent giving it all you have. When you arent risking yourself to be opened up and hurt becuase it will happen. Then you arent even trying. People dont even want to put the work into making a relationship work anymore. Whether it is a romantic relationship, BDSM relationship,, or even friendship. I shouldnt have to pull information out of you and I shouldnt have to feel it is all one sided.

Dont sit there and tell me you want ot be a slave. You want a dominant to own you. To have full life control over all of your actions and then turn around and not even give someone a chance. It takes a leap of faith that this person wont hurt you. It is a risk because likely you wont find your forever dom for a long time. However if you never step outside of your comfort zone and open up and take a shot into the dark you arent going to find one either.

Life is mess and brutal and lonely. Why do you keep building up brick by brick around you when all you are craving is to have that one connection with that one person who you should be sharing your soul with. I have been hurt a lot in m dynamic/relationship. I get hurt, I get angrry, I get upset, and disappointed. It is hard to see dominants as humans sometimes,, but that is what they are, and they make mistakes just as we do.

I would never be where I am today without taking a risk. Without trusting the two dominants in my life to care for me and not hurt me. i would rather work on my dynamic and relationship with them through the hurt and the pain. I will never be that person who has ten men in my back pocket that I can run to when I dont get my way. I value the people I choose to be in my life. I take the risk to push through the hurt and pain when someone makes a mistake.

I cry just like anyone else does, but I choose happiness. I choose to push through my fear and insecurities to rip open who I am down to the very core of my being and share that with the two people who I have chosen to rule my life. Not doing this would make me completely lonely and then what? What or who would control me then? My Fears would. My insecurities would. The people who caused me so much pain and trauma in the past would still control me.

I refuse to let that happen. I will always take the risk of being hurt over living in the shadows with a lonely miserable life controlled by my fear!!!

How about you?

I was talking with some Masters and a few slaves today in discord. We got onto the topic of rap music and they were discussing their favorite artists in that genre. I do not often listen to rap it just isn't for me.

However there is one artist I do listen to. He goes by the name of Dax. I first found his music on TikTok with this song:

I wanted to share it with all the men in this group because it had broken my heart when I first heard it. I still cry every time I do hear it and I was sharing this song with people today.

Between my Master growing up in a world where they are screaming across the media that men should just unalive themselves because of their so called "male toxicity". To being told that real men don't show emotion, don't cry, and aren't really a man if you aren't working yourself to death to provide for your family.

To my brothers who served in the military, and one brother serving three tours in Iraq and Afghanistan. He suffers everyday with his mental health and no one out there understanding what he went through. To have to live in todays world where a man is literally not worth anything.

To all the men in here. To the struggles you are all going through. The fight you have to have today to defend your right to be who you are.

I hate that you all have to continue to endure the abuse this world throws at you.

Just know you are never alone. There are people out there that do cherish all of you. That you are loved and understood and truly respected. Not all of us believe this worlds narrative. We will stand beside you and lift you up and do our best to help you get back the respect and love you are owed.

Thank you for existing. For your wisdom and guidance. For holding on even when you feel like you shouldn't. You are needed, and wanted in this world.

How does music connect you to the world around?

The sound of the beat, the melody, and even the lyrics moves my soul. It causes me to feel something deeply intense. I have always had a love for music. It transforms my thoughts and tears me from the realm I am in and transports me to a better place emotionally. When I am jamming out, singing, and just vibing I am calmer, happier, and stress free. Music also allows me the opportunity to process much of my thoughts.
--------------------

Do you have a theme song?

Oh I have several theme songs. It depends on my mood. Plus I am sure the Ash system plays a HUGE role in what my tastes in music are.

Thinking about when we play with our partner, or fantasize about doing so – is
there a playlist in mind?

Yes I have been creating a playlist for years now. whenever I find something that is arousing to me, or kinky related etc. I add it to the list. The list mostly also consists of songs that make me feel sexy and submissive.
--------------------

Do you have specific music you love to play to? What are they? Why do you
think they connect you to the moment?

Like I said before I have an ENTIRE playlist. I call it my Master Songs. They are songs that make me think about my Masters. Make me want to serve them, please them. They in turn make me feel safe and submissive and completely aroused and sexy. To some they likely wouldnt even see a song as submissive, but for me the lyrics are definitely there for me. Here are just a couple from that list.

“Do not be like servants who serve their masters expecting to receive a reward; be rather like servants who serve their master
unconditionally, with no thought of reward.”
– Antigonus of Sokho

I struggle with this so much. I am obedient and I enjoy performing acts of service for my Masters. However I struggle so much with the reward system. I definitely appreciate when I am rewarded. However it is hard for me to even see if I am rewarded.

I must admit that I do become depressed over time if I dont get rewarded at all. Now that being said my service and submission is not transactional. I am not out here doing the things I do for my Masters in hope and expectation of receiving a reward. Just over time not even a good girl can become depressing.

If I do not know that I have pleased my Masters then I am going to beat myself of and become depressed over time.

So as I reflect on rewards in my dynamic I understand that I have had to constantly shift my thinking and looking at rewards in a more humble and submissive way. Most think oh I was given a gift, or they spent X amount of dollars on me to make me happy for pleasing them.

I as a person have never cared much for money.

So when I perform an act of service which can be actual tasks, or just me listening and engaging in a deep conversation with my Masters. It can be just me helping out one of the Masters or Mistresses that are my Masters friends. It could be as simple as waking them up on time for work without them even asking. Just things like this. What sort of rewards have I been granted?

- Good Girl!
- We are so proud of you!
- Dancing around silly with me to celebrate a small achievement.
- Head pats.
- I get a Gorean Bina from a Master when I help him.
- Sometimes a Tasta. (Which is a piece of candy for those not familiar with Gor)
- Bubbles for my bath.
- My favorite meal cooked.
- Movie night where I get to choose.
- Daddy draws me a picture.
- Butt Pats/Spankies
- Sometimes a song they sing recorded for me.
- Cartoon time.
- They do a writing challenge for me.
- They help me with a task.
- They do a task meant for me that I was meant to do but said for - me to just relax.
- Buy me a present sometimes

To be fair the list could likely go on. I can definitely see anything they do for me as a reward. It really is how the way you look at something. Still sometimes when I am really depressed it can be difficult to recognize a reward. Sometimes they have to tell me it is a reward for me to be aware of it. As much as I would like to know that their smile is reward enough my Masters have to actually use their voices because I am blind.

Still I do like what LunaKM said. As I resonate with it just as much. I went from being a service slave to an obedient slave. So with that I appreciate it the most when my obedience is rewarded instead of my acts of service.

"I’m not service oriented. I’m obedience oriented." LunaKM

"Spend about 5 minutes thinking about the advice you have received from others about life in general, living as a submissive or searching for a Dominant. How has it helped you grow and why does that advice keep coming back to you?" - Submissive Advent Calendar, LunaKM
"There is no wrong or right way to do BDSM as long as it is consensual." My Mentor, Sir Seven

"Needs are not negotiable." My Mentor, Sir Seven

"A submissive and slave can say no, and have safe words." My Mentor, Sir Seven

"Just because I am angry with you does not stop me from being your dominant. Just because you are angry with me does not stop you from being my submissive. Therefore you can be angry with me from your knees." My Master, Damon

"It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone." Rose Kennedy

“Only a life lived in the service to others is worth living.”-Albert Einstein

"Never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game" Babe Ruth

“Don't let your past dictate who you are, but let it be part of who you will become” Nick Portokalos, From My Big Fat Greek Wedding.

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Plato's - The Allegory Cave

Anne Desclos - The Story of O

John Lange aka John Norman - Gor Series

Now granted there are so much more I could have listed. I was limited to five minutes. So many creators on youtube, podcasts, and even people within therapy that have guided and helped me. Let along all of my personal experiences over the years.

Some of this was sound advice and others were lessons I had to learn the hard way. Still BDSM and D/s is a journey well worth traveling. Nothing ever good is ever had by taking the safe paths. You have to risk being hurt and heart broken to find true happiness. It was hard to get where I am, but I am proud of my journey.

Learn to love and accept yourself. All the good and the bad.

"There are moments in our lives when we can lose sight of why we are submitting, or we can’t grasp that warm glow of submission like we used to." - Submissive Advent Calendar, LunaKM by the Submissive Guide.

A token that represents my submission can be so many things. I have a keychain of a wolf because I definitely resonate with being a wolf in spirit and it has my slave name, Ava etched into it. However I didnt actually make that. I custom ordered it.

I dont have beads or safety pins on hand to create with, and goodness I was pulling out the paints and canvases currently to pain something amazing to hang on my wall that is so personal. People would never understand.

So to the drawing board. Literally. I created a beautiful card, the size of a playing card. I need the card to be black because I am blind and black is one color I can actually see. The gold represents the richness of my submission. How passionate I am to serve and please my Masters. The willingness I come to them and the love and devotion. It is deep and rich with need and love completely. The filigree design is because I am an artist and I love to be creative in my submissive acts.

The purple represents the House of Koch. It is the color of choice since one Masters favorite color is Red, and the others is Blue, and when you combine them together clearly purple is made. The heart is my submissive heart, in purple because my heart, body, mind, and soul belongs to my Masters.

The bunny ears. Well I am Bunny Bites, but I am my Masters rope bunny. Their cute, happity, hippity, hoppity little rabbit. It resonates so much with me and I absolutely love it. The gold chains completely wrapped around them because I am locked in bondage and servitude to my Masters.

Forever and always, in love and chains.

The image can be found here 

"Nor dare I question with my jealous thought
Where you may be, or your affairs suppose,
But, like a sad slave, stay and think of naught" Sonnet 57, Shakespeare

So for todays submissive advent calendar activity. We had to read this sonnet and really think upon it. How does this sonnet make us feel?

Of course it is always beautiful to me to see the words from history written from past authors and poets. The love of the servant, the devoted slave can be intercepted in so many different ways. Was it the love of a citizen to their sovereign? A loving wife to her husband? A loyal and obedient religious servant to their God?

Honestly I like this sonnet. I chose the lines above for my first Advent activity because I think jealousy plays a massive role in D/s. Especially in my own personal dynamic.

To me the way it reads is that I should never allow a jealous thought to cross my mind. That it doesnt matter where my Masters go, or what they are doing. I have NOTHING to be jealous over.

Do not be the sad slave, Ava. For the sad slave is miserable. The sad slave is lonely. The sad slave sees only the negative. The sad slave sees and feels only jealousy, and hatred.

For a long time I was jealous. Especially when we became a poly relationship/dynamic. I thought I was in fact losing my Master Damon, but why did I think this way?

Honestly I should have looked at it in a positive light. I wasnt losing anything or anyone. In fact I was gaining another Master. Another play partner. Another confidant. I gained another loving protector. I gained a partner to help my Master with the stress he deals with. I gained a friend and a man who was offering guidance.

I do believe jealousy emotions just masks fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of the changes coming around the corner. Fear of the loss of something or someone you hold so dear. Jealousy makes us human, and it can be humbling. It can also be the cause for destruction.

Do I still have moments of jealousy? Absolutely. However this little snippet from the sonnet will stick with me now. I can use it as a mantra. A reminder that I have nothing to be jealous of.

I have nothing to question my Masters on when I am feeling this way. To act in fear, to question, to doubt because I am behaving as a sad jealous slave is harmful to me, and to them. It would make me doubt them. It would make me question the character of them.

What right do I have to do that?

I chose them just as much as they chose me. Perhaps these jealous thoughts are not based on fear for anything of them, but instead of myself. Perhaps they spread like a wildfire in my own thoughts because of my insecurities? Moreso they spread because I do not trust myself fully.

What kind of slave would I be to lash out in my emotions like this. Unwarranted because they went to the grocery store? Unwarranted because they wanted to go do something without me. It doesnt make me any less theirs. It doesnt make them love me any less. It doesnt make them not choose me as their beautiful obedient slave girl.

William knew what he was writing. Jealousy is a killer. I will remember these words and hold them so close to my heart.

When jealousy rears its ugly head again. I will hold these words close. I have no desire to question my Masters because of my jealousy. I have No desire to be that sad slave alone in misery.

I will celebrate the joy and love I have for my Masters. I make this vow to myself today.

I do not approve or understand why there are city names that are the same in other states of the USA. 

Now I feel like an asshole. 

Me talking a Master/Daddy Dom from Kansas City. Who is a good friend now and is single needing a submissive/little. 

Me talking to my little friend who lives in Kansas City, and wants a Daddy Dom and possible TPE relationship. 

Me Introducing them together....

Me just now finding out one lives in KC, Missouri, and the other in KC, Kansas. 

I am so upset...Granted LDR that start online can move to real life and move closer etc, but I feel like such a jerk...

Transgender Remembrances Day

There was a woman once who was a passing happy moment in my life. She was perky, innocent at heart, funny, kind and caring. I did not get a chance to really get to know her.

I knew she was Transgender.
I knew she was a little
I knew she loved pink
I knew she enjoyed coloring and stuffies
I knew she loved seafood
I was happy to celebrate a birthday with her
I was happy I got to color with her
I was so happy I got to see her hug the stuffy that my Daddy and I got her

We fell out of touch after she and our roommate parted ways. They just werent a match. During this time I went blind, and I couldnt text for a long time after surgeries and she never called. So it was hard.

A year and half later after I could see what little I can see now, I am out getting fast food at Burger King with my Daddy and my Mr Big. We are sitting waiting for our number to be called, when there was a commotion. Someone arguing with the people at the register.

Daddy was shocked and said, "Thats *instert a name because I wont for reasons* and he got up to go chase her down to talk to her but he didnt get to her in time and she had drove off.

My Mr Big went to get our food when it was time and heard the people behind the counter laughing and talking so much hate about her. Making fun of her, bullying her when she wasnt there, etc.

It really upset us. Naturally given the people we are, we of course said something and filed a complaint about it. Though I doubt anything ever came of it.

You can believe whatever you want to believe but treating someone with common courtesy and respect is mandatory. Period!!!

Anyways...

Two weeks later we learned that she opted to exit this world. I always wondered if that incident was what made her decide to do such a thing? That is maybe one of those people were just a little kinder she might have chosen that she was worth saving.

That she had a reason to live for.

Depression is a terrifying illness. It claims so many beautiful people each year. It claims so many beautiful people in the Trans Community. It breaks my heart.

It doesnt take much to be kind to someone. To give them a smile, or a kind word. You dont have to agree with them. You dont have to understand someone. You dont have to walk in their shoes, but for one second. Just one, showing kindness can save a life. Showing respect to someone can save a life.

I may not always understand someone, believe what they believe in, support things they support. I will however show you kindness, be an ear for you to vent to, a shoulder you can cry on, and do my best to offer unbiased advice if you ask for it.

I may not always agree and I definitely dont support agendas, but I support beautiful, kind people who want to be loved and accepted for just being who they are.

For my beautiful friend, fleeting as it was. In her memory, and for all those just like her that felt hopeless, lost and unloved.

I will never forget you.