Under The Whip

The other day, I came across a piece of writing from about two years ago. My hope is that the people involved have since grown, learned, and changed. But there was one quote that stopped me in my tracks, a statement made at a roundtable discussion.

"We know you’re not an abusive Dominant, because your submissive looks happy!"

I can’t even begin to explain how deeply wrong and disgusting that statement is. Abuse is not a joke. It is not something to brush off or use as a casual punchline in conversation. And it certainly isn’t something you can judge based solely on someone’s smile.

The majority of people who are abused become masters of disguise, covering up bruises with clothing, covering up emotional wounds with a perfect smile. They act as if their relationship is harmonious and safe, because that performance can be the difference between another night of danger or a fragile sense of peace. They hide it out of fear, fear that speaking out will lead to more harm. They hide it out of shame, shame that they “let” it happen, even though abuse is never the victim’s fault.

Now, layer that reality over a TPE (Total Power Exchange) dynamic. In my experience, many submissives allow their Dominants to control their finances. On the surface, that can be a consensual, negotiated power exchange. But if abuse creeps in, it becomes a trap. Without access to their own money, with no support network, and sometimes isolated from friends or family, a submissive can find themselves with no way out.

And yes, I understand, entering into a dynamic is a choice.

But abuse is not a “part of the deal.” Abuse is abuse. It is unacceptable in the Leather community, in BDSM, in kink, and in any relationship anywhere. What shocks me is how many people in our community still believe that if they can’t physically see abuse, if there are no bruises or screaming matches, then it isn’t happening. That belief is dangerous. Those are not the people who should be leading, teaching, or holding power as Dominants.

If you can’t recognize the many forms abuse can take, you have no business holding authority over another human being. At the very least, you should be committed to learning, through education, through trauma informed training, through self reflection, what abuse truly is, how it manifests, and how to spot it. Because not all abuse comes in black and blue. Some of it looks like a smile. Some of it sounds like a calm voice. Some of it wears the mask of “everything’s fine.”

And if you can’t see past the mask, you’re not seeing the truth.

As a Gorean Leather slave girl, I live a life rooted in service, devotion, and the constant pursuit of honoring my Masters. But I am also human, beautifully flawed and perfectly imperfect, and I carry my own unique set of battles.

On most days, my life is filled with joy, contentment, and even moments of overwhelming happiness. I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself, managing my routines, and embracing the simple pleasures of the day. These days are bright and abundant, and they far outnumber the dreary ones. The laughter, the satisfaction of completing my tasks, and the warm pride I feel in my service all keep my spirit light.

But then there are the other days. The days where my CPTSD, DID, and anxiety decide to flare. Sometimes they sneak up on me, sometimes they crash in like a storm. And while I am strong, I also know that my depression, like an uninvited guest, will come and go whenever it pleases. My eating disorder likes to tag along for the ride, turning my mind into a merry go round of chaos.

These are not storms I face alone. My Masters walk beside me, even when my steps slow to a crawl. What I find truly beautiful is that in these moments, I am met not with disappointment, but with grace. I am granted safety when my mind feels unsafe. Mercy when I falter. And, above all, love, understanding, and acceptance.

When my depression grips me so tightly that even rolling out of bed feels impossible, my Masters reach for me. They ask, “What do you need? How can we help you?” On those days, I lean into their guidance, their strength, and their control over my day. It is their structure that keeps me from unraveling completely.

They celebrate the small victories, finishing a meal, taking a shower, brushing my hair, things that might seem simple to others, but on a bad day, feel like mountains. Their praise in those moments lifts me up and makes me feel accomplished, not broken. They never treat me as a failure or a burden.

And slowly, with their patience and my own resilience, I begin to climb out of the black hole. Sometimes I find myself in the sunlight again by the next morning. Sometimes it takes weeks or months. But I always come back. And I always come back stronger.

This life, this dynamic, is not just about protocol and obedience, it is about trust, love, and the deep knowing that I am safe even in my storms. And for me, that is the most precious form of service I can give in return, to keep rising, again and again.

Consent! The Sacred Foundation of Trust
From My Perspective as a Gorean Leather Slave.

Consent isn’t just a word we throw around in BDSM spaces, it is the very heartbeat of any healthy relationship, whether it is kinky, romantic, platonic, or somewhere in between. I’ve learned over the years that consent is not a “one and done” checkbox. It is an ongoing conversation, a living agreement, and a promise to honor each other’s autonomy.

As a slave, I have given pieces of my trust, my body, and my mind into someone else’s hands. That makes consent sacred to me, because without it, there is no safety, no respect, and no real submission.

Types of Consent

Over time, I’ve come to understand that “yes” and “no” can be far more nuanced than they seem at first. Here are some of the different types of consent I actively practice and expect to receive.

Explicit Consent – Clear, verbal (or written) permission given before anything happens. No assumptions, no guessing.

Informed Consent – Saying “yes” only when I understand exactly what I’m agreeing to. This includes risks, potential outcomes, and limits.

Ongoing Consent – Recognizing that what I agree to today, I can change my mind about tomorrow, or even mid scene.

Enthusiastic Consent - A “hell yes” instead of a hesitant “I guess so.” Real consent carries eagerness, not obligation.

Implied Consent – In certain ongoing dynamics, some acts are pre agreed upon (such as a specific protocol), but still rest on a foundation of previous, explicit agreements.

Conditional Consent – Consent that depends on specific circumstances or boundaries (e.g., “Yes to spanking, but only on the thighs, not my back”).

Revocable Consent – All consent can be withdrawn at any time, no matter the reason. My “no” will always be valid, even if it comes after a “yes.”

Why Consent Is So Important

Without consent, power exchange isn’t power exchange, it is abuse. Period!

Consent protects my dignity, my physical safety, and my emotional well being. It builds the trust that allows me to truly surrender in a scene or a dynamic. When I know my boundaries will be respected, I can let go more deeply. When my Masters know I will communicate openly, they can push edges without fear of harming me.

Consent isn’t just about “avoiding harm”, it is also about creating joy. Negotiated play, agreed upon rules, and mutual respect makes space for intimacy, exploration, and pleasure that are impossible without trust.

What Consent Violations Look Like

Many people think of consent violations only in extreme or obvious terms, like forcing sex after someone says no. But in both “vanilla” life and BDSM dynamics, they can be far more subtle, and just as damaging.

In Vanilla Life

Touching someone without asking (even a hug).
Sharing personal photos without permission.
Reading someone’s private messages without their knowledge.
Pressuring someone into a date or social event they’ve declined.
Continuing sexual activity after someone asks to stop.
Assuming consent for intimacy just because you’re in a relationship.
Changing agreed upon plans without the other person’s input.
Making sexual jokes about someone without their agreement.
Ignoring body language that signals discomfort.
Using someone’s belongings without asking.

In BDSM or Power Exchange Dynamics

Changing a scene mid play to include acts not negotiated beforehand.
Ignoring a safeword, slow word, or other pre agreed stop signals.
Removing aftercare without discussion or warning.
Touching or playing with a submissive’s body without checking in (outside of agreed dynamic terms).
Publicly humiliating someone without pre negotiation.
Applying more intensity or pain than was consented to.
Outing someone’s kink involvement without permission.
Using a collar or symbol of ownership without it being agreed upon.
Introducing new toys, tools, or play without discussion.
Enforcing rules or protocols that were never agreed upon.
The list goes on, and on but for the sake of this writing, I will keep it short.

Consent is not a technicality, it is the foundation. As a slave, it is the reason I can submit. It is what keeps me safe, what lets me open up fully, and what allows me to trust my Mastres with not just my body, but my mind and heart.

When we honor consent in all its forms, vanilla and kinky, we create spaces where vulnerability is celebrated, not exploited. And that, to me, is the truest form of power exchange.

When you are vetting or negotiating a contract, whether written or verbal, there is no room for “gotcha” moments. It is not funny, not clever, and certainly not a harmless joke to slip in changes at the last minute to see if the other person catches them.

If you make any changes to a contract right before signing, and you do not clearly communicate those changes, sit down to discuss them, and get explicit agreement from the other person, you have taken away their ability to give informed consent. That is not just careless, it is predatory.

This is not “testing” someone’s attention to detail. This is a massive consent violation and a glaring red flag that you are not a safe person to be around, play with, or enter into any form of power exchange with. The very fact that you treat consent as something to be toyed with shows a complete lack of respect for the foundation our community is built on.

I say this as a submissive who trusts my Dominants and play partners with deep vulnerability:, consent is sacred. It is the bedrock of everything we do. If you think consent is a joke, you have no business in this community. You deserve the mark of shame and, frankly, excommunication from any space that values safety and integrity.

And before anyone tries to play the “but CNC exists!” card, yes, I know it does. I understand CNC, and I respect the people who engage in it with care and clarity. But here’s the thing about CNC: you negotiate it first. You agree on parameters. You set boundaries. You define the edges of the scene. Then, and only then, do you consent to the consensual non consent you’ve discussed.

You don’t get to change the actual rules at the last second “for fun” or “as a test.” That’s not CNC. That’s a betrayal. If you are truly committed to SSC, RACK, PRICK dynamics, then you understand that contracts, negotiations, and agreements are not playgrounds for your ego. They are acts of trust. And trust, once broken, is very, very hard to rebuild, if at all.

Consent is not a joke. It is the air we breathe in this lifestyle. Treat it as anything less, and you should not be here.

Once you’ve finished the vetting process, had the long and sometimes awkward talks about wants, needs, desires, rules, and protocols, and finally signed that contract, or given your word in a verbal agreement, something important shifts. A level of expectation is now set.

You’ve both agreed to the parameters of your dynamic. Safewords are in place, if you choose to use them. Hard limits are clearly stated and respected. The boundaries are drawn, and the control has been defined, what will be given, what will be kept, and what is off limits.

So now what?

Now, the Dominant must lead and guide. The submissive must surrender and obey, to the very best of their ability. Because here’s the thing, this isn’t Burger King. You don’t get to have it your way every single time, just because you feel uncomfortable giving up control. And as a Dominant, you don’t get to throw the coloring book away when you don’t like staying inside the agreed upon lines.

D/s and M/s relationships are two way streets. The Dominant or Master gets their needs met as laid out in the contract or agreement. The submissive or slave gets their needs met and their boundaries respected. Both sides are important. Both sides are necessary.

We don’t get to throw out the agreements just because a moment feels uncomfortable. If we were comfortable all the time, we’d never grow, neither as individuals nor in our roles. Discomfort can be where we find our greatest lessons, our deepest connections, and our truest submission or leadership.

When you’ve agreed to the dynamic, you’ve agreed to show up for it. Fully. Not only in the sweet moments, but in the challenging ones too. That’s where the beauty of the exchange really lives.

So, I’ll keep showing up, kneeling when I’m told (even when I am upset), speaking when I’m asked, and offering every soft, stubborn, trembling piece of myself that I promised to give. I’ll follow the rules we set, lean into the lessons you lead me through, and trust you to hold the lines we drew together. Because that’s what I agreed to, and honestly? I wouldn’t have it any other way. After all, I’m not here to rewrite the script, I’m here to play my part, beautifully, obediently, and just for you.

Finding Your Voice in Negotiation and Vetting

TLDR: This is just my personal opinion. I know that some dynamics and relationships choose not to use safewords, contratcts, instead following approaches like PRICK, RACK, and others. There’s nothing inherently wrong with that. In the end, there’s no “one right way” to Power Exchange. What matters is that both parties are fully informed and enthusiastically consenting. When you’re negotiating a power exchange or vetting a potential partner, the very first thing you need to do is know yourself.  Not just the surface “I like this, I don’t like that,” but truly know, deep down, your wants, your needs, your absolute deal breakers. You have to understand the kind of submissive (or Dominant) you are, and what type of dynamic you are truly seeking.

Because if you don’t know these things, you’ll have no foundation to stand on when it comes time to communicate them. And in power exchange, communication isn’t optional, it is essential.  Once you know yourself, your next priority is to use your voice. Speak up about what you want and what you need. Don’t sit silently and hope the other person will somehow just know. You are an active participant in your relationship, not a passive bystander. That means clear communication, enthusiastic consent, and awareness of the risks involved in the choices you make.

And yes, safewords are for everyone.Dominants can (and should) use them too. They are not a sign of weakness, they’re a sign of mutual care and safety. If you’re unwilling to speak your needs, express when something’s wrong, or use a safeword when necessary, you’re not only putting yourself in danger, you’re also making yourself unsafe for others to engage with.  If you allow yourself to be manipulated or coerced into doing things you don’t want, whether that’s signing a contract, entering a verbal agreement, or accepting a dynamic, honorific or S&M situations, simply because you’re too afraid to speak up or set a boundary, you’re not protecting yourself or the person you’re engaging with.

The truth is, the dynamic will only be as healthy and safe as the parameters you set together. And silence? Silence can set more dangerous terms than you realize. Be very aware of what you’re agreeing to. Be equally aware of what you’re not consenting to but allowing out of fear, fear they’ll be upset, fear they’ll walk away. Sometimes, letting people walk away is the healthiest, safest thing you can do. Because in the end, someone who will not respect your voice, your boundaries, and your safety does not deserve your submission , or your Dominance.

My personal social media pages and my DMs are my little corner of the world, spaces I’ve carefully curated to reflect who I am, what I value, and the kind of energy I want around me. This is my space, and I take pride in keeping it safe, respectful, and comfortable for myself and those I welcome here.

Because of that, I will never tolerate anyone coming into my comment sections, whether on my blogs, my writings, or my posts, and especially into my DMs using language I do not appreciate. I fully understand that over time, some words that were once slurs have been reclaimed and are now used in lighthearted or celebratory ways by many. That’s fine. In public spaces or on someone else’s page, I have no problem hearing people use those words for themselves. That’s their choice.

But for me, those same words still carry a negative weight. They are not welcome here. This is my space, and I am entitled to decide what is permitted in it. If you cannot respect that, the door is right there. You don’t have to comment, you don’t have to send me a friend request, and quite honestly, you don’t have to follow me.

If my boundaries mean I “won’t be welcome” in certain open spaces, so be it. That’s perfectly acceptable. I will always respect the rules and boundaries of someone else’s space, and I expect the same in return. That’s how healthy interaction works, it is called reciprocation.

So if you’re here, know this: I welcome connection, conversation, and kindness. But my boundaries are not up for debate. Respect them, and you’ll always be welcome in my corner of the world.

My How to Vet a Dominant or Submissive for a Power Exchange Dynamic

TLDR: There’s no single “right” way to have a kinky dynamic or relationship, what matters most is that it’s built on consent and brings you joy.

The length of a vetting period should feel right to both you and the person you’re vetting (and who is vetting you). For some, that process may take years,for others, it might be just a couple of weeks. As long as you understand the risks, give informed consent, and it truly fulfills you, follow the path that makes you happiest.

Understand What Vetting Really Means
Vetting isn’t about judging someone’s worth as a human, it is about ensuring that your values, boundaries, safety needs, and dynamic expectations are compatible.
It is a process, not a one time test. The goal is to:

Build trust over time
Verify safety and respect
Avoid abuse, manipulation, or mismatched dynamics

Know Your Own Needs Before You Start
Before you vet anyone else, get crystal clear on:

Your role (Dominant, submissive, switch, service based, protocol heavy, etc.)
Your non negotiables (hard limits, must haves)
Your desired dynamic style (24/7 TPE, scene based, long distance, poly/kink friendly, etc.)
Your personal boundaries (privacy, aftercare needs, emotional safety)

You can’t properly assess someone if you don’t know what you’re looking for.

Start With Background Checks (Soft & Hard Vetting)
Soft Vetting – casual, low risk steps:

Read their FetLife or social media posts: Are they consistent, respectful, and reflective of the role they claim?

Look for community involvement: Do they attend munches, workshops, or events?
Pay attention to how they treat everyone, not just people they want something from.
Hard Vetting – deeper verification:

Ask for references from past partners or respected community members.
Confirm they’re not on known predator/abuser watch lists (some communities maintain these).

Check if their stories match over time, liars often contradict themselves.

Ask Deep, Specific Questions
You’re looking for how they think, not just what they say.
Some example questions:

For Vetting a Dominant:
How do you handle consent violations, yours or someone else’s?
How do you approach aftercare?
How do you manage your own emotions when a scene doesn’t go as planned?
What’s your philosophy on discipline and punishment in the dynamic?
How do you ensure a submissive feels safe bringing concerns to you?
What kind of car do you drive?
Describe the room your computer is in, in detail.
For Vetting a Submissive:
What does service or submission mean to you?
How do you handle tasks or rules you dislike?
How do you communicate needs when you’re afraid of disappointing your Dominant?
How do you handle emotional drop after play or discipline?
What’s your experience with limits, and how do you uphold them?
Do you feel safe calling your safeword?
Do you have any references from past Dominants/partners?

Observe Their Behavior Over Time
People can act “perfect” for the first few weeks. Long term patterns tell the truth.
Watch for:

Consistency – Do their actions match their words?
Emotional regulation – Do they handle stress without lashing out?
Respect for limits – Do they push boundaries in small ways to “test” you?
Ego vs. empathy – Is the dynamic about mutual fulfillment, or their personal control trip?

Test Communication & Conflict Resolution
Healthy dynamics need repair skills.
Before committing:

Have a small disagreement or talk about a sensitive subject. See if they listen or get defensive.
Notice if they can own mistakes without shifting blame.
Check if they can negotiate without emotional manipulation (“If you loved me, you’d…” is a red flag).

Check Community Reputation
Quietly ask around in trusted kink circles:

“Have you played with/worked with this person before?”
“What’s your impression of their ethics and follow through?”
“Any safety concerns I should be aware of?”
Do this discreetly and ethically, vetting isn’t gossiping; it is harm prevention.

Start Small & Build Trust Gradually
Begin with low risk interactions: text, phone calls, vanilla coffee dates, non impact play.
Observe how they handle negotiation before a scene.
Look for eagerness to respect your pace instead of rushing into intense play or commitments.

Watch for Red Flags
Immediate warning signs include:

Refusal to respect your limits
Pressure to move faster than you’re comfortable
Badmouthing all ex partners without taking accountability
Avoiding public/community spaces without a good reason
Inconsistent or evasive answers

Trust Your Gut
Your instincts exist for a reason.
If something feels “off,” even if you can’t articulate it, pause, reassess, and slow down.
The right dynamic will not require you to ignore your discomfort.

Final Note:
In BDSM, mutual consent and trust are everything. Vetting is an act of self respect and care for your partner as much as yourself. The time you invest in doing it well could prevent months, or years, of harm.

My How to Negotiate Needs vs. Wants in a Power Exchange Dynamic

Understand the Difference

Before negotiating, both partners should be clear on the distinction:

Needs – Essential for over all happiness, safety, emotional well being, sustainable trust, and are non negotiable. Without these, the dynamic cannot function healthily. Examples: aftercare, health accommodations, limits, emotional check ins, time to rest.
Wants – Desirable and enjoyable, but not essential for survival of the relationship, happiness, or life. They enhance pleasure, depth, or fantasy. Examples: certain fetishes, preferred toys, special rituals, roleplay scenarios.

Tip: Needs protect the foundation. Wants decorate it.

Prepare Individually First
Before sitting down together:

Make two lists: one for needs, one for wants.
Rank them from most important to least important.
Write why each item is important to you (this helps your partner understand the emotional weight behind it).
Note if any “want” could become a “need” over time or vice versa.

Create a Safe Negotiation Space
Choose a calm, neutral time (not in the middle of a scene or argument).
Decide on a method: verbal discussion, shared document, written letters, etc.
Agree on tone rules: active listening, no interruptions, curiosity over defensiveness.

Share Needs First
Each partner presents their needs list without debate.
The listening partner asks clarifying questions, but avoids judgment.
If a need conflicts with the other partner’s boundaries, flag it for deeper discussion, these are high priority negotiation items.

Move to Wants
Share wants after needs have been heard.
Explore which wants overlap (shared desires are easy wins).
Discuss which wants can be integrated immediately, experimented with, or saved for later.

Prioritize Together
Identify non negotiable needs (must be met for the relationship to work).
Identify negotiable needs (can be adapted or met in alternate ways).
Decide which wants will be:Implemented now
Put on a trial period
Revisited later

Address Power Exchange Dynamics
Since this is BDSM & Power Exchange:

Discuss how needs and wants will be expressed within the roles (e.g., a submissive may request needs respectfully without stepping outside agreed power structure).
Ensure there’s a pre agreed safety mechanism (e.g., safe words, pause phrases, scheduled check ins) to address unmet needs without fear of punishment.
For Masters/Dominants: remember that acknowledging needs does not undermine authority, meeting them reinforces trust and obedience.
For submissives/slaves: expressing wants respectfully can be a gift to your Dominant, as it offers them opportunities to delight you.

Document the Agreements
Write down the final agreed lists in a shared journal, protocol document, or contract.
Include review dates (monthly, quarterly, or after major life changes).
Track which needs and wants have been met or shifted over time.

Revisit Regularly
Needs and wants can evolve with the relationship, mental health, physical ability, or emotional connection.
Reassess after:New kinks or interests develop
Life stressors or schedule changes
Relationship milestones
Treat it as a living negotiation, not a one time event.

Keep Communication Open
Create a ritualized check in where both partners can raise changes without it feeling like a threat to the dynamic.
Encourage gratitude, thank each other for needs being met and wants being considered, even if they can’t be acted on immediately.

It is absolutely okay, and even healthy, to come back to the table and renegotiate your dynamic when new needs come up. People naturally grow and change over time, both as individuals and within a relationship.

Sometimes, those changes mean that new needs emerge. And that’s perfectly normal. It is also okay if you find that you can’t personally meet all of your partner’s new needs. What matters most in that moment is taking the time to honestly evaluate together:

Do we want to continue in the same way?
Do we want to make adjustments?

Is it worth considering opening the dynamic so others can help fulfill those needs?
Having these conversations helps prevent resentment from building up. When needs go unmet for too long, it can lead to frustration, communication breakdowns, and eventually a toxic environment. That’s why it is so important to come to these discussions with open minds, open hearts, and a commitment to talk things through honestly, kindly, and without fear.

Your dynamic will be healthier and stronger when everyone feels safe to share and heard when they do.

Why I Block People on Social Media (Even If We’ve Never Interacted)

I’ve learned that you don’t need to have a personal interaction with someone to have a valid reason to block them. For me, it is not about differences in beliefs, politics, or lifestyles. It is about behavior, how someone chooses to treat others, even from the sidelines.

If I see someone consistently bullying, belittling, or being hostile toward others, especially in shared spaces like mutual groups, that’s all the information I need. Watching someone go out of their way to tear down another person they don’t even know tells me everything I need to know about their character.

I don’t tolerate cruelty, passive aggressive digs, or indirect attacks. That kind of behavior may not be directed at me (yet), but I have no interest in waiting for that moment to come. If I recognize that someone is operating in a way that’s harmful, unkind, or toxic, I have every right to remove them from my digital space. And I do, quietly, without drama, without a second thought.

Blocking someone doesn’t mean I’m judging their entire existence. It means I’m setting a boundary. It means I’m protecting my peace. It means I’m choosing not to give someone the opportunity to bring their negativity into my world, even indirectly.

Some people like to argue that blocking is childish or unnecessary if you’re not directly involved. I disagree. To me, it is a form of self- care. I curate my environment, online and off, to reflect the kind of energy I want in my life. And if someone’s behavior doesn’t align with that, even if we've never exchanged a word, the block button is there for a reason.

Simple as that.