A submissives recollection
05/17/2022
i haven't known Sir that long but i am being taught and learning things that will help me know Him. What i do know is that Sir has this intensified look when He means business which is far different from His whimsical one when i am being playful with Him. me being new to this Sir/dynamic and being a “wild fire” i do need to test waters to see how far i can go with Sir before it is not acceptable. i like fun, my personality dictates it so as long as He is okay with that side of me and i don't disrespect Him, i will continue to just find my way with Him. i am just His muse...His blank canvas for all the beautifully placed marks of Sir that i will bear and be thankful for. These marks are a sign of my devotion to Him, my gift of submission to Him and His need/want for that blank canvas to fill his inner demon.
The silence overcomes the room. my nerves exercise their right to take liberties on my feelings and thoughts. These nerves determine the multiple trips to the bathroom, my fears, my excitement, and my body's response to being nothing but a pile of mush. i attempt to hide this well to no avail. my body deceives me and i cannot hide even if i tried.
Your alter ego appears in a quiet demeanor as You walk past me. i have not a clue what to do, what to expect, or even what is happening. i watch closely and curiously but not without fear and awakening of the unknown. my legs tremble, i feel alive yet subdued all at once. He is the boss and you never forget who is in control. i want to be compliant, to be perfect. i am far from it. i have this uncanny ability to say things before i have the chance to think about the consequences of the words that randomly expel from my mouth when i am nervous. i did warn Sir about this but it is never an excuse to speak when not spoken to …. or to use some of those words when spoken to for that matter. They are not what i consider to be disrespectful words. Instead it is the kind of playful words that as Sir says “you're digging a hole”. It's a flaw but when Sir is in a playful mood, i think He likes it.
The moment comes when He speaks “come here” or “kneel”. i do my best to move my feet from the cement they are in and obey His commands. When He asks me to kneel, there is this feeling, this need that runs through my veins and that is characterized by my deepest sincerity and fears of the unknown. It's where i always want to be...kneeling in front of You. i hear your voice, and i freeze. i cannot bear to look at You for fear of bursting out in a nervous laugh...my second worst flaw which i hope in time fades away. i look down at the floor, my hands, my knee... anything to avoid that “Dom glare”. i know that this is when i need to let all my guards down, to let my inhibitions go and to trust that my Sir will always know what is best for me (how, when and to what degree). This is so very hard to do at times only because of the unknown, uncertainties and me not knowing Sir very well yet. Do i trust Him?.... yes there is a part of me with my whole heart, soul and being only because He reassures me constantly.
He gently commands me to look at Him as He lifts my chin with His hand with some apprehensive resistance from me. i remember quickly who is in control as i look at Him. i am His submissive. my mind races with the seven words He has given me. Reciting them in my mind puts me in my place. i try to be obedient and not so distracted by my coping skills that Sir recognizes or that my service to Sir is affected. (i guess after reading this, He will ultimately learn things that i have never shared but He will now know the thoughts that unravel in my mind while His eyes torment me so). W/e “have no secrets” but a submissive can't learn to process things on her own if she doesn't keeps some things to herself for awhile especially when trying to build that trust with another. i need know that i can trust Him fully with the most private of thoughts and that He can trust me to share those thoughts with Him as i am able. To be brutally honest, it is a scary thought knowing that Sir will know what i am thinking all the time or my fear of those thoughts being used against me in some sadist kind of way or in a worse way (yes, this submissive has trust issues among others but don't we all?) This is a lot of power to hand over to another so freely.
i look into your eyes. Amongst the fears and my insecurities, i want this. No, i NEED this. i need the consistency that only You can provide and i believe you know and understand that too. You constantly and with gentle reminders say, “Be true to yourself” as if you can read my uncertainties yet you can see and feel my desire to submit and serve. i try not to question any of it as i start to trust and build that relationship with You and see that You will take Your time and not rush into anything that i am not ready for or You will advance as You feel i am ready. That is so reassuring that i am able to relax just enough to give in. Still, my insecurities surface, curiosity enables itself and my senses freeze in a state of panic from the adrenaline rush. i can't, nor do i want to disappoint. i need to be perfection, what if He doesn't like what He sees? God, i am a hot, disheveled mess and i can only hope He doesn't see it. i have so many questions in my mind. My mind is telling me not to speak...it's not the time. If Sir wishes to ask me something then and only then my mouth should be open. my mouth combusts open. i will find out shortly what such transgressions bring to the table.
“Excuse me?” You say as that devious grin on Your face comes to surface and You slap me across the face. Fuck, you stupid girl, i think. But to be honest, i liked the sting. i didn't like the fact that i said something i shouldn't so let me be clear about that. It was not the time to be playful but i tried to make that happen to avoid Your disapproval. You smile and i ask for another...You obliged without a second thought. It didn't hurt in a pain sense but in a refreshing wanton need (as i will refer to this type of “pain” from herein). This is what i needed to be grounded. i can't remember if i thanked You for the sting or burn but know i wanted to if i didn't Sir. my body reacts with moisture between my legs that eventually You will find out about. my body slowly opens up to You and there is not one damn thing that You don't notice that i try to hide... Damn it's embarrassing yet uncanny.... Your ability to notice the smallest movements. (Even the slightest opening of my legs Sir....SNS 😄 ) Limits are being pushed and apparent. My temperature rises and inhibitions are released. I fall from pride and grace to serve You.
i am nonsensical by this time and my mouth goes into playful overdrive. i WANT more....i NEED more but You already know that and Your sadistic side i believe needs that too. Such painful pleasures burn into the flesh, stings all senses and enlightens the soul. It makes me feel alive, it drives me to a deep wanton need/ lust that i can't control and the need for more....to have control taken out of my hands. To serve You, to please You. Giving up that control is a sexual arousal and wanton need all in itself. my thoughts dissipates for a mere moment and i go to a happy place where ecstasy and pain meet... the place where erotic begins and ends on Sirs terms. i found out quickly that He will snap you out of that.
Your hands wander, its becoming harder and harder to think straight or speak. You demand i look at You. i want to obey, but i am having difficulties pulling myself out of this space... You bring me back gently reminding me that You own me and You own my orgasms.... Again, fuck...those damn eyes that when they stare at you, you can do nothing but to look deep into them. i am not use to this kind of sexual, wicked mind fuckery. For as much as i hate it, i love it if that makes sense. Something that makes me have to come out of my comfort zone will hopefully progress to where it needs to be with the help of Sir. (Especially when i sense that He enjoys that submission very much...).
i love it when You use those two words....”Good girl”. It means i am doing something right.
The beautiful marks my Sir leaves behind are a beautiful reminder and a symbol of my devotion and compliance to him and of Your love and control. i wear them with pride whether visible in shades of purple and blue, makes of hand or paddle, or the sudden discomfort from His wicked pleasure. My Sir's marks are stepping stones of my achievements and willingness to do what it takes to please Him. They make me proud of who i am. They are a sign of belonging and ownership. A feeling that only a true submissive knows when they truly give up themselves to another.
When He is done with you, there are no fears as they disappear with His touch, His comfort and His support. my body quivers for a moment while i take in the new experience. No words need to be spoken as a soothing peace seems to say “you did it, Sir is happy, you crossed another hurdle and you never gave up”. He gives you the opportunity to discuss things without judgment and Sir is very patient and understanding with me (i am forever grateful for this because i know i can be a handful and perhaps not easy at times. Which i am sorry for? lol). New territory, new bridges, new experiences. He is constantly trying to reassure me and for that i am also grateful. i cannot hide anymore as You learn more about me and my reactions. i know that eventually You will know me better than i do myself... yes, i am scared but 110% accepting that You are in control. There is this strange thing happening to me. i can feel Your presence when Your not around like You are watching....always watching me. You continue to keep me in line and in control. i can feel You and i find tremendous inner peace.
It will take me awhile to see myself as He sees me. He makes me feel worthy and important to Him. i have nothing but respect and appreciation for Him. i can only hope i am living up to His expectations and standards because in just a short time, i feel like this is where i belong....on my knees to His left.
Thank You Sir for making me whole again and giving me a purpose. i will say this again... i don't plan on disappointing You.