I recently read a post about self-play and submission while unpartnered (link). It was thoughtful and honest, and it made me reflect on how I deal with navigating my world alone. Not about play specifically, but about structure more generally. About what dominance looks like when there is no one there to receive it.
One thing that stood out was the idea that being unpartnered might not feel the same on both sides of a D/s dynamic. That there may be an imbalance in how dominance and submission are experienced when you are alone.
For me, dominance does not live primarily in "scenes" or mechanics like rules and ceremonies. It lives in direction, in discipline, and in the way I orient my life and move forward.
In a sense I dom myself already. I try to set standards, regulate my impulses and emotions with help from professionals. I make decisions with long-term consequences in mind. I try to every day choose stability over short-term satisfaction. I wasn't always like this, and it has taken heart-ache, disappointments and daily hard work to grow as a man and it will continue to take effort for the rest of my life.
Striving for self-contained control is empowering, though. It works on its own, without a partner. In a functional sense it is complete, though. Yet it lacks polarity. It isn't that I need the submissive part... what I need as a man is the feminine part, and within that I want to feel worthy of the submission earned through consistency and trust.
But I want to delve deeper into what drives me as a Dom and a leader.
At work, what satisfies me most is not authority for its own sake obviously. It is the feeling of a team moving as one system. Clear direction. Shared momentum. Everyone knowing their role and trusting the structure. When that happens, my responsibility and empowerment feels at its peak. Every decision feels impactful because others are affected by it.
With partners, I need something similar... but much deeper, obviously. I want to feel responsible for us as a whole. I want to experience her deep trust, earned, as though she is an extension of my body and mind. It doesn't mean that her presence is not felt, though... her presence changes how I make decisions and how we move through the world as a team. It sharpens me and generally raises the stakes.
That part, though, isn't something I can replicate alone.
My self-control and discipline can resemble dominance from the outside, but it is not the same as someone choosing to gift their submission to me. The fulfillment for me is not in control itself. It is the accountability. It is knowing that my steadiness creates safety for someone else. That my leadership allows another person to soften and let go.