One size doesn’t fit all

It has been a while since I posted. Been working on myself and my healing journey. Closure is never easy, but necessary. I walked into the closing of a chapter of my life like the Badass that I am. My armor. Reminding myself that I am a strong, beautiful, intelligent woman. Stiletto heels and a tight black and white dress, my signature scent mild but erotic.  Hair styled, red nails and red lipstick. I walked into the room like I owned the place. And when I left, it was with my shoulders back, my head held high, the slight sway in my hips. No tears, no dimming my light, the slight smile on my face, not broken…but a woman finally coming into herself.

A 192 mile a day commute, trying to pack up my house, trying to eat right and stay fit. Working a new job where they expect you to hit the ground running. How do you stay motivated when the exhaustion, self-doubt and loneliness hit? 
By the time I stumble up my front steps at night I am physically, mentally and emotionally drained. I try to keep a positive attitude, but sometimes it’s hard. I hate when I turn the key, open the door and walk into silence. How do you stay motivated to cook for just one person? How do you paste on a smile when all you want to do is cry? Knowing you’re facing another weekend alone. Knowing you have to force yourself out of bed everyday and adult, when you really just want to curl up and shut down. 

ADHD makes me say yes to things before thinking it through. My anxiety has me rehearsing conversations and scenarios in my head that never happen and the combination has turned me into a people-pleaser with a serious guilt complex. 
I understand I am a bit much to handle. Or people think I am playing games. 
I’m not I just have a serious sense of inadequacy from being torn down and being told I am not enough. From years of being treated like an option, an afterthought, that I am being tolerated.

I need to remind myself daily that I am not an option, I am worthy of being chosen.

Leaving is always the hardest part. When you are here. I am solely focused on you. Meeting your needs, basking in your control. Enjoying your presence. Breathing in your scent. Just so I have the moments to sustain me until I see you again. 
My body still tingles from your touch. Marks from you reminding me who owns me. I don’t want to sleep, to fall into a bed all alone again. But lying on the couch is no better, the scent of us still lingers. So, I sit here in silence, alone once again. Drinking wine, hoping it will make me tired. Hoping it will drown the loneliness that overtakes me everytime you walk out the door. But yet I smile as I remember lying next to you. The rhythm of your heartbeat bringing me peace. Until I see you again. I will take comfort in the memories. 

In submission I find myself. My brain calms, the rapid firing of my chaotic thoughts come into focus. I listen more. I force my brain to listen to his voice and drown out everything else. 

My mind doesn’t overwhelm me with a million conversations and I don’t fidget, I don’t open my mouth halfway through a through a conversation that was in my head. 

In this I am forever thankful to my Dominant. His patience with me. His guidance and his bringing me back from my self deprecation and self sabotage. Sometimes it is a gentle reminder, sometimes it’s a stern and direct call out. But always to teach, always with my best interest at heart.
My journey to understand who I am as a submissive has been riddled with missteps, misunderstandings and heartbreak. But mostly I cherish the joy, growth, love, acceptance, learning and awakening. 
I am ever evolving, ever improving. Learning to love myself and in that learning to trust my Dominant to enable my total submission to his control.

The moment you stop apologizing for existing, your decisions change.

Your energy changes.

The real fix is internal. 

I healed.

I built my confidence.

I became comfortable with myself.

I am beginning to understand my worth.

Now it is time to manifest, shift and evolve into the intelligent, beautiful, confident, sexy woman that I hid away for so many years.

No longer will I shrink myself to accommodate a weak individual who projects their own insecurities on others.

No longer will I use food and self deprecation to self sabotage.

Shifting to a positive, more appreciative mindset. And finally turning my light on.

Respect and trust go hand in hand with submission. Without them there is no true submission. 

You must trust him with not only your body, but with your mental wellbeing as well. 

You must respect him as your dominant in order to hand over control.

Otherwise, true submission is lost. That trust and respect come through a willingness to be open and vulnerable. And a whole lot of communication.

It is trial and error. Mistakes will be made as you learn what submission to your Dom looks like to him.

Is it worth it? Absolutely, when you find the man that makes you tremble in anticipation with just his presence. His voice has you flustered. His scent calms you and his touch has you begging for so much more. Then you know, it is worth everything.

Don’t just ravish her…

- Penetrate her soul with your deep presence.

Don’t just ravish her…

- Transport her to another dimension.

Don’t just ravish her…

- Take her to other realms of existence.

Don’t just ravish her…

- Help her heart feel penetrated by the entire cosmos.

Don’t just ravish her…

- Help her ascend beyond the constructs of her mind.

Don’t just ravish her…

- Help her feel deeper connection to the Divine.

Don’t just ravish her…

- Awaken the next level of her consciousness.

Don’t just ravish her…

- Activate the next level of her dormant gifts.

Don’t just ravish her…

- Help her feel unconditional love that penetrates her entire being.

Don’t just ravish her…

- Help her dissolve her deepest fears with every conscious thrust.

Don’t just ravish her…

- Blow her open into the realms of infinite possibility.

Don’t just ravish her…

- Help her experience true oneness.

Don’t just ravish her…

- Take her places her soul has never journeyed to before.

This is where she submits & surrenders every fibre of her being, to you.

By Linda LuvDoktar

When I first started this journey. I was enamored by the poses and their purpose.

I am ex-military and a military brat. Attention, parade rest, a salute. They were in-grained and second nature.

My favorite? Nadu. I feel the most vulnerable and open in this pose. It is a pose of complete submission and trust. 
This position is calming and arousing all at once. My eyes cast downward, shoulders back, breasts thrust forward and my core open for his viewing pleasure and inspection. 
This pose to me is the epitome of submission. And it will always be my favorite.