One size doesn’t fit all

When you realize after trying to go back and date vanilla and you feel an absolute void. You realize that you can never go back. It will never be enough. So you stand on the precipice lost and unsure of your direction. The sad thing is no matter who you meet in the lifestyle or in vanilla land, you find you are comparing them to the one person that caused your heart to race. The one person that made you feel alive. Then you realize he’s gone and the sadness becomes overwhelming.
Then my mind wanders to my friend and confidante. The person who understood all too well the chasm left behind when someone you have given your all to walks away. The difference, she did nothing wrong. Me, I did everything wrong. I now understand why the person that opened my eyes to this lifestyle chose the unthinkable. The emptiness and the hollowness eats away at you and you realize there will never be someone to replace that. 
I am thankful for my grown children, without them I am sure I would be contemplating her same fate.  
But knowing the utter pain that would cause those who care about me, ensures that is never a path I want to take. 

Occasionally I come on here to read the blogs and touch base with others, but I have no desire to have another Dom. I will just remain lost in a world that I cannot be a part of.

When I started my journey, I had no understanding of my sexuality, how to be alluring, sexy or tantalizing. Let alone know how to give a proper blowjob. Especially since I have such a small mouth.

I would hide or be embarrassed of my assets. I am large chested and I would hide them and my curvaceous peach under ill-fitting clothing. Even after losing over 50lbs I would hide. 

Not quite two years in and my wardrobe has drastically changed. I take time with my hair, nails, the unique scent that clings to my body.

No, I don’t dress tacky or look like a cheap whore, but I wear clothing that highlights the mounds of my breasts, the curve of my hips. Heels are a staple for me now. My walk has changed as well. I feel the sway of my hips as I walk. I don’t scurry after someone anymore. I walk with presence and confidence.

Now, I play a game. I imagine myself as the little tease. I watch, I hold eye contact with men. I see them either turn away uncomfortable and flustered or they maintain eye contact. In that one action, you get a feeling as to where their mindset may be. Alas, the moment is fleeting. I turn away even as I feel eyes upon me. I turn back and give them a smile, but I never stop. The tease is in the sway of my hips, the small smile, the look of assessment and finally, the lick of the lips as I walk away.

 I miss the man that helped me get where I am today. I am forever grateful for his guidance. But in the same breath, it has left such a terrible void where he once was my whole universe. Everyday I wish things were different, but they aren’t. I will survive, I will heal, but I will never be the same. And that is okay. Because I have grown so much, learned that I am a beautiful, vibrant, sexy woman with so much to give. And someday maybe we will reconnect. Until then, I will continue to grow, continue to be, continue on my journey and cherish the memories.

So much has happened in the last 6 months. Some good, some not so good, some downright painful. But what I have taken from those experiences are immeasurable.

1. Never take things for granted.

2. Never stop learning.

3. No one defines who you are, but you.

4. Love deeply, even if it hurts.

5. Never give up, learn and keep moving forward.

6. Forgive yourself and then learn to love yourself.

It has been a while since I posted. Been working on myself and my healing journey. Closure is never easy, but necessary. I walked into the closing of a chapter of my life like the Badass that I am. My armor. Reminding myself that I am a strong, beautiful, intelligent woman. Stiletto heels and a tight black and white dress, my signature scent mild but erotic.  Hair styled, red nails and red lipstick. I walked into the room like I owned the place. And when I left, it was with my shoulders back, my head held high, the slight sway in my hips. No tears, no dimming my light, the slight smile on my face, not broken…but a woman finally coming into herself.

A 192 mile a day commute, trying to pack up my house, trying to eat right and stay fit. Working a new job where they expect you to hit the ground running. How do you stay motivated when the exhaustion, self-doubt and loneliness hit? 
By the time I stumble up my front steps at night I am physically, mentally and emotionally drained. I try to keep a positive attitude, but sometimes it’s hard. I hate when I turn the key, open the door and walk into silence. How do you stay motivated to cook for just one person? How do you paste on a smile when all you want to do is cry? Knowing you’re facing another weekend alone. Knowing you have to force yourself out of bed everyday and adult, when you really just want to curl up and shut down. 

ADHD makes me say yes to things before thinking it through. My anxiety has me rehearsing conversations and scenarios in my head that never happen and the combination has turned me into a people-pleaser with a serious guilt complex. 
I understand I am a bit much to handle. Or people think I am playing games. 
I’m not I just have a serious sense of inadequacy from being torn down and being told I am not enough. From years of being treated like an option, an afterthought, that I am being tolerated.

I need to remind myself daily that I am not an option, I am worthy of being chosen.

Leaving is always the hardest part. When you are here. I am solely focused on you. Meeting your needs, basking in your control. Enjoying your presence. Breathing in your scent. Just so I have the moments to sustain me until I see you again. 
My body still tingles from your touch. Marks from you reminding me who owns me. I don’t want to sleep, to fall into a bed all alone again. But lying on the couch is no better, the scent of us still lingers. So, I sit here in silence, alone once again. Drinking wine, hoping it will make me tired. Hoping it will drown the loneliness that overtakes me everytime you walk out the door. But yet I smile as I remember lying next to you. The rhythm of your heartbeat bringing me peace. Until I see you again. I will take comfort in the memories. 

In submission I find myself. My brain calms, the rapid firing of my chaotic thoughts come into focus. I listen more. I force my brain to listen to his voice and drown out everything else. 

My mind doesn’t overwhelm me with a million conversations and I don’t fidget, I don’t open my mouth halfway through a through a conversation that was in my head. 

In this I am forever thankful to my Dominant. His patience with me. His guidance and his bringing me back from my self deprecation and self sabotage. Sometimes it is a gentle reminder, sometimes it’s a stern and direct call out. But always to teach, always with my best interest at heart.
My journey to understand who I am as a submissive has been riddled with missteps, misunderstandings and heartbreak. But mostly I cherish the joy, growth, love, acceptance, learning and awakening. 
I am ever evolving, ever improving. Learning to love myself and in that learning to trust my Dominant to enable my total submission to his control.