When I started my journey, I had no understanding of my sexuality, how to be alluring, sexy or tantalizing. Let alone know how to give a proper blowjob. Especially since I have such a small mouth.
I would hide or be embarrassed of my assets. I am large chested and I would hide them and my curvaceous peach under ill-fitting clothing. Even after losing over 50lbs I would hide.
Not quite two years in and my wardrobe has drastically changed. I take time with my hair, nails, the unique scent that clings to my body.
No, I don’t dress tacky or look like a cheap whore, but I wear clothing that highlights the mounds of my breasts, the curve of my hips. Heels are a staple for me now. My walk has changed as well. I feel the sway of my hips as I walk. I don’t scurry after someone anymore. I walk with presence and confidence.
Now, I play a game. I imagine myself as the little tease. I watch, I hold eye contact with men. I see them either turn away uncomfortable and flustered or they maintain eye contact. In that one action, you get a feeling as to where their mindset may be. Alas, the moment is fleeting. I turn away even as I feel eyes upon me. I turn back and give them a smile, but I never stop. The tease is in the sway of my hips, the small smile, the look of assessment and finally, the lick of the lips as I walk away.
I miss the man that helped me get where I am today. I am forever grateful for his guidance. But in the same breath, it has left such a terrible void where he once was my whole universe. Everyday I wish things were different, but they aren’t. I will survive, I will heal, but I will never be the same. And that is okay. Because I have grown so much, learned that I am a beautiful, vibrant, sexy woman with so much to give. And someday maybe we will reconnect. Until then, I will continue to grow, continue to be, continue on my journey and cherish the memories.