One size doesn’t fit all

I am broken. I am tired of acting like everything is okay. When every single day I lose another piece of myself. My mind becoming more numb. I wake up every morning forcing myself to face another day alone. Telling myself things will get better. I am tired, lost, but hide everything I feel. Staying strong for everyone else, but no one is strong for me. No one is there when the flashbacks and the nightmares have me screaming into the darkness and huddling in a corner begging the memories to leave me alone. People only see the mask. The calm, the smiling, the pretending everything is okay. No one sees the war going on inside me. The panic and anxiety, from a night of being in terror. Holding myself as I rock myself to exhaustion, only to get up a couple hours later to work. I still show up like nothing is wrong. Because no one else will. I gave everything to people who never really cared. And now I trust so few people. It is hard to give, when you are desensitized. I learned over and over again that caring too much fractures you in ways than aren’t repairable. I am broken, but I still move forward. Why? What else am I going to do? If I give up, if I stop, then what was the point of my life? Because deep inside I still hope, I still dream that someday, someone will choose me, love me, cherish the gifts I have to offer. 

I long for his control, his dominance. My body hums remembering his touch and the taste of his cum. 
Sitting at home alone on a Friday night horny as hell. I need to masturbate so badly. But that is one thing I will absolutely not do without his permission. I asked, I didn’t get a response, but I will never “assume” that he is okay with touching his pussy without his permission. I had a fantasy where he took me to a dungeon and paraded me around in nothing but his button down shirt a garter belt with black thigh high fishnet stockings and black heels with a collar on and an anal plug vibrating in my ass. Having been ordered to keep my eyes down and not speak unless he asked me a question. He led me to a bench and had me kneel. He placed a blindfold over my eyes. And I waited, anxious and excited all at the same time. Suddenly, I felt my hair being pulled and I hear his command to open. I open my mouth not knowing what to expect. I can feel him close and he whispers in my ear. “Are you my whore?” I respond, “Yes Sir, I am your whore Sir.”  
“Is my whore, going to be a good girl and follow instructions?” he calmly asks. My mouth is still open and I respond “Yes, Sir.” Once again returning to an open mouth.  
Suddenly, I feel the nudge of a cock against my mouth. I do not respond. I haven’t been given permission to take it within my mouth. I hear him say, “take it in your mouth and suck it.” I take it in my mouth as my hand makes contact with my clit. I remain focused. Knowing that if there is a cock in my mouth, my hand is touching my pussy. He hums and says “good girl”. I am thankful for the blindfold, it helps me focus solely on him and not be distracted by what is around me or who is watching. “Get me nice and wet” he directs me and I can tell when he takes in a quick sharp breath that he is not unaffected by my mouth. He suddenly pulls his cock out of my mouth and I can sense him circling behind me. My fingers are still massaging my clit. I feel him behind me his hands massaging my hips. “Spread your legs wider” he commands and I immediately obey. He fingers me making me whimper. “Who do these holes belong to?” He asks. “all my holes belong to you, Sir” I pant trying to keep myself from losing control. I can come only on his command and I would never embarrass and disappoint him by disobeying him in public. He leans over me, and whispers in my ear “I am going to take all three of them tonight and show everyone what a good little slut you are”.  My pussy clenches around his finger and he chuckles. “You are a little whore aren’t you? Maybe I will let others use toys on you. But my cock is the only cock that will take any of your holes. And why is that?” “Because I am your slut Sir. You own all of me Sir”, I answer clearly and without hesitation. I feel it deep down. That he is who I have chosen to submit to. All of me is his to control. “Good Girl” he growls and he enters my pussy in one stroke, burying himself deep inside me. He begins to relentlessly pound into me, as my moans escape between my lips. I whimper as I feel myself begin to edge toward release. I beg to be allowed to cum. With a smack on my ass he tells me “No”. I pull myself back from the brink. Feeling every stroke of his cock inside me. He then begins to move the anal plug in and out in rhythm with his strokes and again I find myself on the brink whimpering desperately trying to hold off my orgasm. He pulls the plug from my ass and lays it beside me on the bench. I feel the lube against my backside right before he slams into my ass. I scream at the pain mixed with the pleasure of my Master pumping into my tight hole. My senses and nerves are triggered. My legs begin to shake. I feel his cock swelling and I am barely holding on. “Cum for me” he breathes into my ear and I detonate. My pussy and ass simultaneously clenching, my legs shaking uncontrollably and I try to catch my breath as the tremors overtake my body. A euphoric feeling engulfs my body as I sense darkness enveloping me and my body getting heavy. 
I jolt awake disoriented, not knowing where I am. Reaching out for my Master. He was there holding me close, stroking my hair. “That was magnificent”, he complimented me. “What happened?” I asked somewhat embarrassed. He smiled at me, “Your total submission”.

My Dom said he wanted to take me somewhere tonight. He handed me his white button down shirt, black heels, black fishnet thigh highs and a black and red lace garter belt and a red and black silk and lace mask.
He walks me to the car and places the mask over my eyes. We drive for a while and then come to a stop. I wait patiently and nervously when I hear his door open and a few minutes later mine opens. He takes my hand and assists me out of the vehicle. He comes close to my ear and says. “You will do exactly what I say and you will not speak unless it is your safe word. Do you understand?” I whisper yes sir as all my nerve endings seem to come alive. “Good girl”, he growls. I tentatively walk with him leading me. I know we have gotten into an elevator and we are heading downward. As we exit the elevator I can hear erotic deep base music playing. Suddenly, I hear another male voice. “What have we here?” My Dom says, “I brought my sub to play.” The man says to my Dom.
“Divine, enjoy yourselves.”  
My Sir leads me to a quieter area. I am a bit disoriented with the music, and not being able to see. Suddenly we stop and he turns me. “Do you remember your safe word my little Plaything?” I shake my head yes. Mindful that I am not to speak. Suddenly, he grabs me by the back
of my head and kisses me passionately. He says, “You are my fuck toy and I plan to share you tonight. Do you understand me?” I stiffen. Frightened but wanting to submit to my Sir’s request. I shake my head affirmatively. “You will not cum unless I tell you to.”
Again I nod. He begins to unbutton the shirt that I have on. Exposing my breasts and my bare pussy. He takes my shirt off and he grabs my hair and commands me to my knees. I am on my knees, legs spread and my palms on my knees. Chest out and eyes cast down.
I hear a belt buckle loosen and a zipper. Suddenly, I feel something slap my face and realize it is a cock.
“Open” he commands. As I open my mouth I feel his member enter my mouth. He goes deep to the back of my throat and I try not to gag as he pounds in and out. He pulls out and I feel him rubbing his balls against my lips. “Lick”, he says gruffly. I lick his balls, his shaft and the tip. I taste his pre-cum and I moan. “You’re my little cum slut.” He grabs my hair and pulls me to my feet. He back me up until my legs hit a piece of furniture. He tells me to sit.  He lifts my legs and swings them up on what appears to be a table. He lays me flat and pulls both my arms over my head where he cuffs them with padded Velcro straps. He then takes each ankle and attaches similar straps. I am startled when suddenly the bottom of the table spreads my legs apart exposing my most private area. I hear him growl. “Beautiful”.
 
I feel his hands running across my body. Over my breasts. Pinching them. I whimper as I feel myself get wet. Then it stops. I hear him walk away leaving me alone. I become anxious and my breathing begins to become rapid. I hear him walk back toward me and feel a slap across my pussy that makes me jump. A crop. Then I feel two sets of hands caressing my breasts, pinching them and then two separate mouths attach themselves to each nipple. I become tense and my heart rate increases. And suddenly everything stops. “Relax. I am right here.”, he says. And I become calm hearing his voice. The mouths return to my breasts and I moan as the sensation makes me tingle and ache. Once again I feel the crop smack across my pussy and I yelp.
I feel his presence between my legs as he runs his fingertips from my ankles to my inner thighs. My whole body shivers at his caress. Slowly he makes his way up my thighs, lightly skimming over might outer lips, I feel his breath against me as he parts them. Running his tongue from my entrance to my clit. I buck at the sensation. He just chuckles. “Hmmm, my little whore enjoys that”. And he clamps his mouth over my clit sucking and tugging it. I squeal and moan as I feel my clit spasm. He uses his hand to run up and down my inner lips. Before he uses two fingers to enter me, curling them upward as he nibbles on my clit. I can barely catch my breath. The stimulation on my nipples and what he is doing to my pussy is sending me in to overdrive. I thrash my head back and forth whimpering and trying not to cum. My begging moans and whimpers. One of the persons at my breasts, notes how beautifully flushed my body is. Stating he wants to see me cum undone. I am on the edge desperately trying not to disappoint my Dom. He stops his ministrations and suddenly I feel his cock at my entrance. He slams into me hard. I scream as he hits my cervix. He pumps faster and harder and I am desperate not to cum. I feel him lean over and in my ear moans for me to cum for him. I immediately detonate. My legs shaking violently as my pussy clenches around him.
He pumps two more times as he groans out his release. “Good girl”, he praises me. I sigh as I drift back down from my intense orgasm. 

The collar means a lot of things to different people. What it meant to me goes so much deeper than ownership. To me it was so much more than offering my submission:

It was the giving of my loyalty. Knowing I would never cross a line and dishonor the bond of the collar.

It was trust in my Dominant that he had my best interest at heart in all his decisions when related to our dynamic.

It was devotion and the giving of my heart, fragile as it may be, entrusting him not to shatter it. 

It was the giving of control in so many aspects of my life, with the trust and expectation that he would never hurt me or destroy the gift that I gave freely.

In all this I cherished the bond of the collar and what I thought it meant.
Never take the collar lightly. For some it has so much meaning and emotion behind its significance.

“If anyone will not welcome you or listen to your words, leave that home or town and shake the dust off your feet.”

I know there was a time that I spiraled out of control…I hit rock bottom very painfully. I’ve been the girl who had a “defining moment.”

But I’ll tell you what I know for sure: What matters most is not what’s been DONE. What matters most is what you DO NEXT.

I am owning my mess. I have humbled myself. I am picking up the broken pieces and making it my mission to remember I am a child of God. I am learning to love myself and learning to be a better mother, daughter and friend. To be the light. To be more supportive. And I have seen what friendship truly is… Because anybody can walk beside you in the sunshine… But a friend willing to climb down into the pit and help you fight your way back up? Those are rare. Those are sacred.

For those who stood by me, thank you.

For those that didn’t and wanted to just stir the pot, and to throw gasoline on my dumpster fire…
I will pray for you….

For those of you that continue to twist the knife you embedded in my back…..

Block.
Phone. Facebook. Access denied.

Because listen…

I am and always will be a meet you on the battlefield kind of friend.

I’m a hold my wine, while I get my baseball bat and we ride at dawn kind of friend.

I’m a stand in the chaos with you until you’re safe kind of friend.

But I am NOT a kick-somebody-while-they’re-down friend.

Those kind of “friends” are not friends. They’re vipers, lurking in the grass ready to strike.
Your joy and happiness starts to die the moment you give those kind of “friends” access.

Shake the dust off your feet when people refuse truth, refuse peace, and refuse transformation.

Not everyone deserves a front-row seat to your life. Remember you decide who stays…
and who gets dusted off.

Sometimes I sit and think what if….

How different would my life be if….

If I hadn’t been abused as a child…

If I hadn’t been assaulted….

If I had actually been able to LIVE my life, not just survive it. 

Instead of constantly healing from things I never asked for or deserved. 

Would I have entered this lifestyle sooner, or not at all?

I wonder what I would have become if I wasn’t always recovering from situations that weren’t my fault, from being the physical, sexual or verbal punching bag for others who hoisted their own insecurities on me, expecting me to be responsible for carrying the burden. 
My heart hurts from realizing I spent so much time and energy just enduring instead of living a full and happy life. 
What hurts the most? Everything I missed out on, because I went into protection mode, while I coped with the trauma and the scars left behind. 

I deserved better. I deserved to be chosen, to be loved, to be cherished. But life is funny, it waits for no one. While I tried to pick up the pieces, heal, makes sense of why things happened, it just kept going, leaving me behind to lick the wounds that I didn’t cause. 
And yet I still wonder, what if…. And is it too late?

I am human. Sometimes I fail, sometimes I can be selfish. I spent my whole life thinking and doing for others. Being alone now, I just want to do things for me. But, I need to remember, it isn’t about me and know that I can let my giving and caring side out and not be trampled and made to feel weak. I tried to forget that side of me.
I like to do little things for those I care about. Things to make their lives easier. Things they wouldn’t do for themselves. It’s instinctive for me to want to lighten someone’s burden. I find it hard to ask for anything for myself. I squashed my desires, my needs, my wants for years. I sacrificed so much for others. Sometimes I feel guilty when I pamper myself when I get my nails done, or get a wax, or a facial. Things I was always told were frivolous and unnecessary. These little things I do now for myself make me feel happy and good about myself.

That is growth for me. Reminding myself I can still do for others while still caring for myself as well. A balance in a way. I still stumble, I am still unsure of myself sometimes. But I am learning.

I originally completed the BDSM test and I showed as a Switch. I think a lot of that had to do with my career and how I am perceived in the workplace. Through different experiences I found I was less inclined to be dominant in the bedroom and outside of work. It was like I was able to shed that dominant persona I needed to survive my work environment. Don’t get me wrong. There were many miss steps in my journey and even now I am still learning, growing, evolving with the help of my very patient Dominant. You would think the term submissive and confidence or empowering would not mesh well. But my journey has been empowering in the sense of owning my sexuality and desires. My confidence in my femininity and womanhood has blossomed. Unlearning the belief that sexual needs and desires are something to be ashamed of. I feel confident in displaying my body more so than I have ever felt. It is freeing when with my Dom’s guidance I am becoming who I was meant to be.

When my dominant gives me a task or hints at one to come and I know he enjoys the play, it always has me on edge. I am excited but at the same time a bit anxious. I never know what he is going to tell me to do. He pushes my limits, broadens my experiences which are quite limited. I am thankful for his guidance, for his insight. He tests me daily, corrects me immediately. Doesn’t allow me to make excuses and for that I truly respect his authority. I have learned so much and pushed myself to experience things I had never even dreamed of. I am learning to be what I always knew I was capable of. My first thought in the morning and the last at night are of my Dom. I feel truly blessed.

Trauma takes many forms and how we react to that trauma at the time or years later impacts everyone differently. With me. both childhood sexual trauma and military sexual trauma have left deep psychological scars. Flashbacks, anxiety/panic attacks, self harm.
For years I was able to push things down, bury it. But then about 18 months ago the floodgates opened and everything came rushing back. I became isolated, afraid and would wake up screaming in the middle of the night. I would get up and turn all the lights on and just sit in a corner, my back to a wall facing the door and just rock myself, or curl myself in a ball until exhausted I would fall asleep.

My career was unstable, my marriage a farce, I was obese and I was miserable. 
I looked at myself in the mirror and despised what I saw looking back at me. I swore to get my life back. I found a counselor, I started working out. I started the process of separation and divorce from a man I no longer had anything in common with.

Bit by painful bit I dragged myself out of the pit of misery that had been my life for so very long. Every day is a new day, a better day. Some days I am on a high, some days on a low. But everyday I move forward. Trying harder, learning something new. I fight every day to heal and become the person I know myself to be. Each night before I sleep I reflect on the things I did right, the things I didn’t and how I can do better the next day.