So… I’m not exactly sure how to start this, so I’m just gonna keep writing until a topic emerges from my thoughts. I guess I’m here to talk about me… my life- my experiences so far. And apparently, I’m going to be doing it all with terrible grammar, punctuation, and spelling. If it looks even halfway decent, be sure to thank Grammarly for it because I assure you… It’s working overtime to correct my thoughtless mistakes.
I guess I oughta’ start with an introduction.
Hi,
I’m Nevaeh. I’m 19 and a freshman in college. I’m a Psychology BS Major who is pursuing Neuroscience. Specifically, Behavioral Neurology. Because of this, a lot of people will assume I’m “smart.” Hell… they might even say it to my face… I don’t think I am, though. I think I’m smart enough, sure… but I don’t find myself aligning with some sort of ideal of “higher intellectuality.” I am simple. More often than not, un-extraordinary. Unremarkable. I don’t say this to be demeaning. I believe I am very capable. I believe that in time, I may be deserving of the title of brilliant. I believe that one day my work may be considered “Groundbreaking,” but for now, I leave those extreme titles to those who have put in the work. I am very young compared to a lot of people here, and I acknowledge that. I guess that’s a part of my story… what I struggle with.
I believe that I’ve always felt like something was wrong with me. Even without the external berating of my Christian mother and her hypocritical rhetoric. I cannot blame her for everything... Nor can I truly blame my father. I made my fair share of incredibly ridiculous and ill-advised decisions within my own realm of responsibility. I cannot always place the blame on others. I guess I liked to believe that I knew what I wanted. And while that may be true… when it comes to balancing those things with the reality of being a child, I must admit I failed. I suppose it’s only natural to want to be mature… to want to be respected… to make your own choices. But I guess I only acknowledged the negatives far too late. It’s like I chased my own trauma in a way. Two steps ahead, before anyone could even think to pull me back in. Though I was aware… so was he… and sure…. He’s more at fault than I am… but still… at fault we both are.
Maybe that’s the reason I still carry so much guilt. Perhaps I still fear being too naive. To impressionable. To willing. But for me… that’s the whole point of what I want. I want to trust someone. I don’t want to think so much… I want to be eager and ready and waiting and pleading… I want to be loved just as much as I want to be violated. I want to worship and be worshipped. I want to have control without being in control.
I know what I want… but when will I get it?