Hello...
I've not written in a while... if there is anyone who has been keeping up with me even in the most brief and slightly disinterested way, it is you whom I want to apologize to. Not that I believe I would owe anyone an apology either way... but I just feel like I should say... something... anything. Anyway, time to dive right into the topic at hand:
I am sad.
I think I've been trying to avoid this fact for a while now. I hoped that if I pretended I didn't care long enough, I just... wouldn't. I always try to be emotionally intelligent. With others, it seems so easy... I give people grace but eventually had to learn to allow myself that same room to err. I guess my refusal to acknowledge the feeling is something I need to give myself grace for. I remember saying once that I was tired of pretending the feelings I had didn't exist or weren't worth acknowledging.... Somehow I managed to view burying the sadness as a setback, though I know it isn't... not really. "I'm fallible. I'm human. Give Grace..." I tell myself.
I just think I've yet to find the balance between happiness and sadness. Maybe that's why I've been such a harsh critic. The concept of contentment, the middle ground between the two extremes, is something I don't think I give enough thought to. I know the textbook definition. I could tell you verbatim what it means to be content based on the wise words written in the common Oxford Dictionary. I could regurgitate the sentences, but it would be just about as detached as the blurb of text given in any dusted-up leather-backed book of words. Factual, yet not internalized... a substantial lack of personalization.
Why?
Well, I guess I find contentment to be such a foreign thing. It's not that I don't feel it, but instead, I fail to be comforted by it. Contentment for me has often felt like a ticking time bomb... I feel the same with happiness, but the textbook difference between the two is that one is naturally fleeting regardless. For most of my life, I've felt an overwhelming sense of sadness. Some days have been unbearable while others are just... passing by. I became accustomed to living with depression and dullness, with the occasional spike of happiness from one small event to the next. I've only recently realized that for this past year I'd been experiencing true contentment... and I think that may be the reason I was so hesitant to admit how sad I've been.
I guess it's human nature to only fully realize something after the time has passed. The common saying, "You don't know what you've got till it's gone." I realize now that, for once, I wasn't scared of the sadness that follows because it hadn't occurred to me that it could be what follows. I suppose that could be because I hadn't known I was content, like I said. It's easy not to categorize every detail of your life and label every tiny detail when you're just... at peace.
Anyway...
I know that someday I'll learn how to balance these different emotions. With time, anything and everything is possible. For now, I guess I'll just acknowledge how I feel... at least this time I can finally say I know it will pass. It has before... it will again. People always like to tell those experiencing depression that "It gets better." Naturally, I've been told the same thing. I always knew their intentions were good, but it's not something that really makes sense until it happens... until suddenly you don't feel so detached from everything... until one day you can laugh without being aware of the temporary nature of the moment... until it is just... better. Now that I've experienced it, I can see that it's possible... It's hard to be hopeful when you don't know what you're hoping for.
I'm hopeful... and to quote one of my favorite Irish priests in the media ("hot priest" from the show Fleabag):
"It'll pass..."