Therapy

My worth feels conditional on me performing life correctly, and any imperfection means I am not lovable.

I learned that love and safety depend on being “good enough,” and my mind is constantly trying to verify if I am. 

Who determines our value? How do we truly know if we are a good person? Does a good person sacrifice everything? Giving the shirt off your back so to speak? Putting the oxygen mask on others before yourself? Obviously that's not right, because you must save yourself first. How do you do that? How do you know you are doing enough? Especially when in retrospect after the day is done your mind grinds up your thoughts and memories and feelings thru the meat grinder of disgusting truth. Well it feels like that anyway. It's just this void of negativity that has seemed to soak into every aspect of yourself. 

How do you learn to love yourself when the loudest voice in the room is critical as hell. When kindness to yourself feels like abandoning yourself. If you aren't going to judge yourself who is going to? If I can only handle the extremes in life how can I enjoy the middle? 

At the end of the day nothing feels like enough. There is nothing in this world that will fill the void created inside of me. 

I'm curious, working with my therapist we have found alot of anxious avoidant/disorganized attachment styles in my life, stretching all the way back to childhood of course. 

What do you believe is the best way to fix them? How do you struggle in your life with them? I'm seeing habitual patterns in all social and personal relationships for me personally.

I get attached or like them

I love bomb and give it all away anything to secure their time, attention, the feel goods

They don't reciprocate in the depth I need, or something shows up that makes me pause and question everything 

I devalue and push them away, fearful, angry I let myself have feelings, etc. 

Loneliness and guilt set in, they aren't bad it's just me, I want them around or they reach out and it triggers the feel goods again and so I sink right back into it. 

I guess I'm looking for any advice or anything to help fix it. Therapy is leaning towards inner healing and learning to love myself so I'm not chasing it in others because from the cycle described I don't love myself? I don't believe I'm loveable I guess. I don't know it's therapist words not mine. 

Anyway thank you for reading all of this. Have a wonderful night. 

Can someone be too much yet feel completely not enough?

Is it too much? Do people not need this deep intimate connection?